Haiku

You've probably noted a huge lack of posts in 2010. Sorry, but the pay sucks and I'm a very busy man. You won't believe how many boxes of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls there are in the world and how much free porn you can find on the Internet.

But there's always time for music. I recently wrote a quick review of a concert in an email to friend. I was proud it only took forty words and suggested I should start a forty word concert review site. She pointed out somebody already has one for seventy-five words or less. And they don't count one and two-letter words. Pussies. So she challenged me to haiku concert reviews. I accepted. Following are January and February in haiku form:

Ruthie Foster

Exponential joy
Soul, gospel and front porch blues
Please come home with me

Leon Redbone

Your grandparents’ tunes
Without the scratchy records
Shine on harvest moon

John Hammond

Crazy guitar skills
No effects, just acoustic
White boy delta blues

Fitz and the Tantrums

Fitz, where’s the guitars?
Retro soul tunes don’t need ‘em
Keys and horns work fine

Cedric Watson and Bijou Creole

New Orleans got wet
But the culture cannot die
Zydeco! Let’s dance!

Robyn

Retro dance music
Platform boots and aerobics
Only straight guy there

Ladysmith Black Mambazo

Thanks to Paul Simon
Their voices travel the world
Mesmerizing sounds

Kodo

Japanese drumming
That would make John Bonham proud
Watch out for that tree!

Cowboy Mouth
Let it go they say
A lesson in crowd control
Come have fun or else!

Soul Man

This is what happens when Hertz is out of cars and I need to go elsewhere for my rental:

Sid: Hi, I have a reservation.
Alamo: Would you like a Soul or a Flex?
Sid: A Soloflex? Are you saying I'm out of shape?
Alamo: No, you're in fine shape. A Soul... or a Flex.
Sid: I don't know what either one of those is.
Alamo: The Flex is big SUV. I'd recommend the Soul.
Sid: Fine, give me the Soul.

I now have the ugliest car on the planet. A snot green Kia Soul.

Whatever happened to the days when your only choice was a boring Ford Taurus?

Grinderman

Dateline: Vancouver. Grouse Mountain and the infamous Grouse Grind. Wrecked me? It damn near killed me a couple years ago. But turns out that I’m going to get a second chance to make that mountain my bitch.

I previously blogged about my last climb up the Grouse Grind, which is a trail in North Vancouver that goes up the side of Grouse Mountain. According to the Internets, it gains 1,100 metres over a distance of approximately 2.9 kilometres. Hmm. Metric system. I’d say that’s about 17,000 feet and 5.8 miles, or to put it another way it’s like putting a really tall ladder about halfway up Mt. Everest. That doesn’t sound right. Let me set aside my cocktail and do a few calculations on the back of this napkin…

Okay, turns out it’s only 2,799 feet over 2.0 miles. They say the average hiker completes it in 90 minutes if they don’t die. Last time I did it in 80 minutes and nearly died.

So here’s the deal. I’ll be in Vancouver this spring for a week mostly on business, but plan on taking some additional time to do some exploring.

Now, I can struggle with motivation in my everyday life. Getting out of bed usually isn’t a problem since I usually get a paycheck and I’ve become quite accustomed to the food and shelter it provides. Beyond that, my natural state is on the couch with a bottle of Hershey’s syrup and my pan flute.

For example, I don’t know how to cook. But as long as that Chef Boyardee keeps making that delicious ravioli, where is the motivation?

So if I want to exercise, work out and stay in shape, I need a goal. When I was younger, trying to get laid sufficed. Now that I’m married, my wife tends to discourage me from using that as a goal. I lost about 30 pounds four years ago on a very effective chemo-radiation diet, but I’ve gained at least 20 of those pounds back. Although people tell me that the emaciated rock star look wasn’t working for me, I’d rather not go straight to the Chris Farley look. And that’s where Grouse Mountain comes in.

I am hereby announcing my intent to complete the Grouse Grind this spring in 60 minutes. Now if I fail to reach that goal I will have publicly humiliated my family and myself and in accordance with Japanese tradition must commit hara-kiri.

The only roadblock could be the weather. The trail closes in winter and re-opens late spring. I just checked the mountain report and it appears there is currently 377 cm of snow. I think that's like eight inches, so I don't foresee any problems. I mean, they didn't even have snow for the Olympics, so I don't expect any issues for my little hike.

From you, dear readers, I merely need you to hold me to my goal. And if anyone cares to witness this and meet me on the top of Grouse Mountain with a tanto sword, let me know.

Sayonara, bitches.

The Hertzies - Jan 2011 Edition

Cab driver would be a nightmare job for me. I don’t like people and like driving in traffic even less. However, I can be a highway junkie and appreciate a good road trip. I had to go to Dayton, Ohio so I filled my duffel bag with Andy Capp Hot Fries and Tab cola, grabbed my iPod and strolled to Hertz to get a car. The car had an iPod jack but unfortunately my iPod had as much energy as a three-toed sloth convention. Needless to say I got hear about three songs before being relegated to dial surfing the best of Indiana’s hot hits and syndicated nutjobs. I clearly made sure the iPod was fully charged for the return trip and after five hours in shuffle mode, I hereby present the latest edition The Hertzies.

Best Band Incorporating A Chain Saw Into Their Live Shows
The Plasmatics – Sex Junkie

Most Missed
Steve Ray Vaughan - Tighrope

Moist Rub All Time Recommendation Award
Concrete Blonde – Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man

Thanks For Reminding Me I Should Pick Up Tickets To Your Show Next Month Award
Rory Block – Crossroad Blues

Worst Cover By An Artist I Like
Keb mo – Imagine

Best Song To Give My Nissan Sentra Some Soul
Diana Ross – Love Hangover

Best Damn Song Of The Roadtrip
Joan Armatrading – Love and Affection

Best Use Of A Choir
Madonna – Like A Prayer

Best Legendary Band I Just Don’t Get
Velvet Underground – I’m Waiting On The Man

Should Have Left It Alone Award
Alicia Keys and Adam Levine – Wild Horses

I’m Ashamed Of Myself Award:
Black Eyed Peas – Let’s Get Retarded

Damn That’s A Good Voice
Concrete Blonde – Someday

The Why Is This on my Ipod Award
Kasey Chambers - I Still Pray

Song I Probably Embarrassed Myself Dancing To In the 80’s But Don’t Remember:
The Church – Reptile

Song To Appear On the Drive Out And The Drive Back
Counting Crows – Mr. Jones

Song I Probably Embarrasssed Myself Dancing To In The 90’s But Don’t Remember:
Jody Watley – Some Kind Of Lover

Song That Beavis And Butthead Would Appreciate If They Were In The Backseat:
Deep Purple – Smoke On The Water

This Song Sponsored By Moist Rub
999 – Chicane Destination

Best Guitar Intro:
Pearl Jam – Yellow Ledbetter

Good Stuff I Don’t Remember Downloading So That’s Why I Shuffle Award:
Noisettes – Don’t Give Up

Best Song For Cruising A Dark Rural Highway At Night
Bruce Springsteen – The Fever

Best Cover
Holmes Brothers – Bring Me Some Weather

Reminder That I Lived In Texas 14 Years And Never Learned to Two-Step
Confederate Railroad – Queen of Memphis

Other Nominees:
Elmore James – It Hurts Me Too
Police – Every Breath You Take
REM – Driver 8
George Michael – Freedom
Van Halen – Jump
Kevin Rudolph – Let It Rock
Marty Casey – Mr. Brightside
Violent Femmes – Kiss Off
Frank Sinatra – I Get A Kick Out Of You
John Michael Montgomery – Be My Baby Tonight
Beta Band – Dry The Rain
Vinyl Room – Still Smoking
Eric Clapton – Walkin’ Blues
Greyboy w/Sharon Jones – Got To Be A Love
CSNY – Teach Your Children
Replacements – When It Begain
Exies – Kickout
Dido – Thank You
John Mellencamp – I Need A Lover
Lovehammers – Summertime In The City
Billie Holiday – Come Rain Or Come Shine
Propellerheads – History Repeating
Depeche Mode – Everything Counts
Carpenters – Close To You
Eurythmics – Would I Lie To You
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – The Damage You’ve Done
Big Audio Dynamite – The Globe
Duane Eddy – Rebel Rouser
Triumph – Lay It On The Line
Dwight Twilley Band – I’m On Fire
Drive By Truckers – This Fucking Job

At which point I found myself in a freezing rain storm in NW Indiana and switched to traffic and weather on the 8’s on newsradio WBBM 780.

Now time to update the iPod for next time.