Bob's Gotta Tinkle

The Most Interesting Dick

I’ll admit it. I’m a pretty boring person. I’ve never freed a bear from a bear trap. I’ve never bench pressed East Asian hookers dressed as nurses sitting on chairs. I’ve never arm wrestled anybody in a demonstration of my might to negotiate international peace treaties. I spend my time doing regular things like going to the store, sleeping in parks and arguing with insurance agents. And I’ve never been to Monaco.

I suppose I could be more interesting, but I didn’t know how.

Which is why I was excited to see the Dos Equis television commercials featuring the most interesting man in the world. That dude is FABULOUS! As it turns out, he HAS freed a bear from a bear trap. He HAS bench pressed East Asian hookers dressed as nurses sitting on chairs. He HAS arm wrestled somebody in demonstration of his might to negotiate international peace treaties. And I think he owns a time share in Monaco. He’s done everything I’ve never done and always wanted to do. I decided that I needed to become him.

My first step, obviously, was to start drinking Dos Equis immediately. He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Dos Equis. I could do that. That’s EASY! I was about to pen a letter to Dos Equis management to find out if the most interesting man in the world had a Most Interesting Man in the World Mentoring Program. But then, at the end of the commercial, the most interesting man in the world told us to “Stay thirsty, my friends.”

What the hell does that mean? It destroyed my entire plan. The keystone of my strategy was to start drinking Dos Equis. How was I supposed to do that if I’m also supposed to stay thirsty? I can’t do both. Did he want me to poke a hole in my throat so I could drink Dos Equis AND remain thirsty? The most interesting man in the world doesn’t have a hole in his throat. How does he do it? Why was the most interesting man in the world being contradictory? Are contradictory people interesting? My future crashed down all around me. So, I walked to the park and took a nap.

I’m beginning to think that the most interesting man in the world is just a dick. I guess that is interesting if you like dicks.

Book Excerpt

Below is an excerpt from The Moist Rub Guide To Effective Bachelor Living, my new book coming to a bookstore near you sometime later when I get around to writing it.

From Chapter 6: Take Off Your Socks and Stick Out Your Gut, We’re Going Into the Kitchen.



Fellas, make sure your kitchen timer does not sound like your smoke alarm. When the timer beeps to tell you your food is ready for mauging, you will think it’s the smoke alarm and ignore it like you always do when your smoke alarm goes off while you are cooking something in the oven because of the smoke that usually develops from your oven being so crusty and nasty (see Chapter 9: How To Buy New Appliances When the Old Ones Get Gross). By the time you figure out what's going on forty-five minutes later, your pizza rolls will be burnt.

Do not fret should this happen. The pizza rolls will still be edible, but should not be served as an entrée. Make yourself a sandwich and eat the sooty pizza roll chips on the side. Garnish with a hot dog, serve on a paper towel and wash it all down with about eight beers (see Chapter 13: Always Drink At Least Eight Beers for more information about drinking eight beers).