Coffee Table Eviction Notice

I’ve been thinking about getting rid of the coffee table that is in my family room. It is too large for the area around my couch and comfy chair. It’s 38.62% too big. Yes, I did the math. I suppose I could move my couch back a little. But then how would I be able to change channels on the television with my feet? (I lost the remote control a few months ago.) Also, if I moved the couch back, I would have to turn the desk. If I turned the desk I would I have to move the poker table. If I moved the poker table, I’d have to move the bar. If I moved the bar, I’d run into it every time I came home drunk. Moving the bar would require construction. We’ll have none of that. Plus, if I moved the bar, I would have to put the trampoline on the ceiling. Trampolines aren’t as much fun when you jump up into them with your head and then crash to the ground. Maybe at first, but after a while, pain sets in, and then the bleeding. Once the trampoline is on the ceiling, it will get in the way of my archery lessons. I would have to find a new hobby. Rock tumbling, maybe? Naaaah.

It would be easier if I just got rid of the coffee table. I don’t put coffee on it. I don’t drink coffee. It tastes like dirt. My kids don’t drink coffee, either. To them, the table is a “I’m gonna put this crap here until Dad puts it away” table. Little do they know that to me, it’s a “After a few weeks of sitting there, I’m gonna throw that crap out” table. Dad, where are my Pokémon cards? (Are kids even still into Pokémon? I don’t even know. Even.) To the dogs, it’s a sanctuary hide out for when they indignify my carpet. They know my shin always hits the table before my foot can hit their ass when they're under there. I don’t allow people who drink coffee into my house. They are too sophisticated for me. Basically, the coffee table is a useless piece of luxury for me.

Yup, I’m going to toss it to the curb tonight. If anybody needs a coffee table, it’ll be out in front of my house. Better nab it before Barry comes around with his pick up truck. He usually gets here around 4 am on garbage days. I think I’ll replace the table with a garbage can. It’ll save me some time.