Knute Rockne, I Am Not

It’s finals week here in the Rub abode. At least for my son it is. And he’s actually been studying! Once I determined he was not an alien replacement organism, I patted him on the head, gave him a cookie and said, “good boy”. Not knowing how to respond to my behavior, he took the dog’s lead and licked himself. I’m all about positive reinforcement – canine and human alike.

This morning he seemed a little groggy. So, I gave him a two liter bottle of Jolt Cola and a bag of Skittles for breakfast. He still seemed punchy. What kind of a parent would I be if I sent him out to take two finals in such a tepid state of mind? I had to rile him up.

To get his mind cranking a little, I asked him about what he expected to be on his tests. He replied with a snotty, “Everything - they’re finals, you know.” No need to be a dick, asswipe. I devised another line of questioning specifically designed to entice the capillaries feeding his brain, to which he replied with a Gatling gun-like round of “I don’t know” responses.

Since brain tickling seemed like a lost cause, I decided to rev up his mind through psychosomatic irritation. I began punching his arm, daring him to get mad at me, to get mad at the tests. “Don’t take crap from those tests, dirtbag! You can take them! They’re just words on a page. Are you gonna let harmless little words get the better of you? You gotta show those words who’s boss! You gotta get mean! You gotta get ugly! You gotta smell bad! You gotta take a relaxed yet alert posteur and draw consistent and deliberate lines and curves with your yellow number two pencil! YOU GOTTA GRAB THOSE TESTS BY THE BALLS AND RIP THEM APART!”

“I’m going to miss the bus.” And he left.

Then I remembered he wasn’t very good at comprehending figurative language. Luckily, he never listens to me. I think he’d get a zero for a ripped up final. But if he did listen to me, literally, I would be interested where he grabbed the tests before he ripped them apart.

Republican Illegal Immigrant Round Up

I don’t belong to a political party, but I have been paying attention, somewhat, to the political environment lately. And by “somewhat” I mean it doesn’t put me to sleep as much as it used to. So, I’ve learned some things.

One of the things I’ve learned is that Republicans hate illegal immigrants because they tend to vote Democratic because Democrats want them to be in this country in order to get more votes. I have no clue how illegal immigrants obtained that right, but, apparently, they have it. I haven’t been able to stay awake for long enough to learn more about it, but I certainly didn’t vote for that rule. I’m sure there are other issues behind this hate for illegal immigrants than just their ability to vote Democratic. The reason for the hate does not matter in reference to this topic. Personally, I don’t know why I have to suffer the laws of this country while the illegal immigrants don’t. It doesn’t seem fair. Maybe President W. Bush is an illegal immigrant. There have been plenty of times I wanted to make a right hand turn on a red light but couldn’t because of some fascist sign telling me I can’t (maybe we need more signs at the borders). Have you any idea how many speed dating sessions I’ve been late to because of my law-abidingness? But, I’ll whine about that on my own time, in the bar while I’m getting drunk and hugging men I don’t know. I’d prefer to hug the women but I’m tired of getting slapped and yelled at.

Consequently, Republicans want to pass more stringent laws regarding illegal immigration. This sounds like a good plan, but it is not necessary, especially since the current laws, if enforced, should be enough to alleviate the alien plague. If the Republicans looked deep inside themselves and took an inventory of their beliefs and the relationships between those beliefs, they would realize they already possess a characteristic that complements their hate for illegal immigrants that would lead to a solution to their problem. Republicans LOVE guns.

I propose that Republicans take those guns they love so much and use them to round up those illegal immigrants they hate so much. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas, Dorothy. There’s no place like get the hell out of our country. But your ruby slippers aren’t acts of legislation. They are semi-automatic firearms and vigilante justice. What good is having the right to bear arms if you can’t use those born arms to protect yourself for any connotation of the word “protect” you deem applicable? Don’t hang a gun over the mantle if you don’t intend to use it by the end of the story. It’s the ultimate exemplification of foreshadowing.

Once they have rounded up the illegals, the Republicans can drive them to one of our borders (I suggest the Alaska/Canada border) and force them out using their guns as incentive. They could even dress up like pirates and construct a plank for the unwanted to walk on while they are de-Americanified. Unfortunately, the transportation of these people might be pretty expensive because of the record high energy costs of late. Maybe they can ask Exxon to share some of their record high profits to subsidize the illegal immigrant exodus.

There is one problem with this plan, other than it is against the law (although I think Republicans are allowed to follow the president’s precedent by choosing which laws to take seriously or not). Some of the illegal aliens may be bearing arms themselves. If they are not going to abide by our immigration laws or our “don’t vote if you aren’t legal” law, what’s to stop them from toting illegal weaponry? That’s a bed made by the Republicans in which they will have to figure out a comfortable way to sleep. I can’t solve all of their problems.

After the country is sufficiently exterminated of unlawful pests, the Republicans can use their rightful arms to patrol the borders, adopting a shoot on sight philosophy. That should keep those bastards out.

You see, the problem isn’t that foreign people take advantage of our ineffective legal system. The problem is that Republican people are not willing to act on their beliefs. They expect others to take care of problems for them. You have to do more than just vote in modern day America if you want something done. The effectiveness of your single vote is so watered down by our political process that it’s like trying to ward off a hurricane by tickling an ant’s belly. You must get involved, and kill immigrants, if necessary.

From reading this, you may think I am against Republicans. If so, you are wrong. I am not against them, not any more than I am against political parties in general. But, I am disappointed in them for not living up to their own expectations, and I want to help them. It is a lack of conviction that is their bane in this case. I suspect Democrats suffer a similar affliction in that regard, but I don’t know for sure. It’s not like one of them has confronted me in the street to physically take money out of my pocket to give to an illegal immigrant. Maybe they would if they had any balls. I haven’t been able to stay awake long enough to peg their bag yet. I trust I will eventually.