Rock Star: Suave Porn Regurge

Rock Star The Porn Suave Saga was not a memorable experience for most of us. Sometimes, I am a part of most of us. Most of the time I am not part of most of us, but in this case, I am. I had to re-read my blogs about the last season of Rock Star to re-horrify myself in order to write this piece. The question is: Is this the LAST season for Rock Star? I haven’t read anything about its future. In fact I haven’t read anything at all since the season ended. I spend my days ignoring words. It’s not as easy as you would think especially if you read to the blind, like I do. “Mr. Rub, I don’t like this book, all the words are in gibberish.” “Yes, dear blind person, Stephen King’s later works aren’t as good as his earlier ones. You should have chosen The Shining for me to read to you instead of Bliimvlidly Fon Goffnofbilshly.”

Are they planning a third season of Rock Star? If so, what will it be, RockStar: Elvis? RockStar: Dexey’s Midnight Runners? RockStar: ABBA? RockStar: HeeHaw? RockStar: Sonny and Cher? That’s it! Cher needs a new Sonny. She’s been full of herself ever since The Sonny and Cher show ended. She needs a shorter, less talented and politically aware patsy by her side to bring equilibrium back into her life. That poor woman. Mark Burnett has saved the lives of the Farriss brothers and Tommy Lee, it’s high time he worked his magic to save the tragedy that is Cher Bono Allman Simmons Geffen Stoltz Kilmer Sambora and possibly Clapton. Out of all of those wonderful men she has befriended over the years, she has never found another Sonny. Neither has Mary Whitaker. I’m calling Mark Burnett right now!




OK, I’m back. Mark said he’d think about it, but he doesn’t know who Mary Whitaker is. He thinks he’s heard of Cher. If he makes it happen and if it is successful, he said he would send me a free The Apprentice: Martha Stewart smock.

Since the future of the RockStar:Whatever curiosity is murky (note: if you do happen to know what is going on with the show, please do not tell me. I want it to be a surprise when Mark Burnett calls me back about Cher. And, he will call me back.) all we have is the brain damage that the first two seasons inflicted upon us, the second more so than the first. The Marty Season, as I like to call the first season, did not cause so much brain damage as it caused JDidiots to crawl out from underneath their discarded toilet brush shelters to bore the rest of us with their inane claims of JD worthiness. The INXS fell for it. The rest of us fell for Marty, right kids? Let’s hear it for MARTY!!! Woooooooo! You know, when he sings, he thinks about me.

My brain damage happens to be wondering what the RockStar: Suave Porn contestants are doing with themselves these days. Golly, it’s been almost five months since the show ended. Certainly, they have put their lives back together by now. Through the miracle that is the Internet and an outmoded tool some refer to as imagination, I conducted extensive research to unearth the goings on of our second favorite group of Rock Star contestants. Below are the findings of my findings. Read carefully. These findings may surprise you. They may also make perfect sense. Or somewhere in between. Rest assured they are, indeed, findings. That should provide you some solace. Before I found them, they were lostings, or maybe misplacedings, or possibly who-caresings. It doesn’t matter what they were, they are now findings. Stop wallowing in the past. We don’t care how you got to the party, as long as you brought some muffins.

Storm Large – Storm was a little more upset about being cut from the show than she let on. She began eating constantly and ballooned to well over four hundred pounds. At some point her clothes did not fit her anymore, and she was too depressed to buy new ones. She became a nudist. One day she was having a web teleconference with her grandma and a delivery guy (nitrous oxide tanks) at her grandma’s house happened to get a look at the nude, fat Storm and became fetishly aroused. He pursued Storm, but she would have none of him. He persisted. She resisted. His will was stronger than hers. He did not want any physical contact, only the pleasure of watching her from his pc. So, she loaded up the truck and started The Fat Nude Storm web cam site. Not only does she attract people with large women fetishes, she also gets the occasional weather enthusiast. She has never been happier, especially when she drips chocolate sauce on herself.

Ryan Star – Ryan attempted to ignite his career by exploiting the fizzle that was the response to his original song, Back Seat Doinking Before Death or whatever it was called. He used the concept to brand himself. Unfortunately, George W. Bush has created such a safe global environment for US citizens to live in that the idea of somebody pelting us with atom bombs seems unfathomable, so nobody bought into the concept of making love as a beautiful curtain call to the cheers of nuclear devastation. I’m kidding, of course. We’ll all be dead soon, thanks to Bush. The fact is, the song sucked and so did Ryan. But, he stuck with his brand. Never compromise the integrity of the brand! Lately, he’s been selling himself to bachelor parties for live sex shows in the back seat of cars. He has a giant piece of cardboard with a mushroom cloud on it drawn in crayon that he uses as a back drop. It looks more real than you might imagine. Sometimes he climbs things and can’t figure out how to get down if they pitch in and extra fifty dollars.

Toby Rand – Being a consummate opportunist, Toby is trying to take advantage of the death of Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, to become America's next Australian Sweetheart. First, it was The Naked Vicar, then Crocodile Dundee, and then, mistakenly, Russell Crowe until he admitted being from New Zealand, and he is too much of a dick to be considered a “sweetheart", and then Steve Irwin. Since the crocodile motif seems to have been the most beloved by Americans, Toby has invented the persona “Crocodile EVS”. Whenever he comes into contact with a crocodile or the subject comes up in conversation, he simply replies “EVS” (meaning “whatever”), which ties in the popular catch phrase he introduced to the world on the Rock Star show. Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee) has agreed to help Toby since he has nothing better to do. However, people close to Toby feel that Paul Hogan is using Toby as a puppet sweetheart and intends to overthrow any success Toby achieves by the time the next Crocodile Dundee movie (Planet of the Crocodiles) comes out in 2011.

Patrice Pike – Patrice tried exploiting the contacts she made in Hollywood during the show to procure a personal assistant position with Ellen DeGeneres. She did get an interview with Ellen’s manager, but was not asked back for a second interview when they found out she was bi-sexual. They claimed it was potentially characteristic of Patrice’s inability to commit herself to a project. So she painted “Mystery Machine” on her VW van and is now driving around the United States solving supernatural mysteries with her dog, Labia Dooby-Doo. Sometimes she receives help from the Harlem Globetrotters or Phyllis Diller. This is actually a ploy to get close to Sarah Mclachlan. Patrice heard Sarah’s house may be haunted. She figured if she could solve the mystery behind the haunting, Sarah would consider redeploying the Lilith Fair festival and giving her the morning spot on the main stage, since Patrice has written several brunch appropriate songs. Unfortunately for Patrice, Sarah is expected to award the house cleaning bid to that freaky stumpy woman from Poltergeist.

Magni – Magni decided to go back to Iceland to make up some lost time with his family. Not only did he miss his son’s first steps, he also missed his son’s first electrical outlet encounter, his first pots and pans concert on the kitchen floor and his first standing broad jump (1 foot, 3 inches). Magni’s cab driver mistook Greenland for Iceland and dropped him off there instead. Magni argued they were on the wrong island, but since he could not convince the cab driver that just because there was so much ice it didn’t mean they were on Iceland, he was stuck there. The cabbie replied in a Cornish accent with a repetitive “What do you want, Bermuda?” until Magni paid him, without a tip. It was there that Magni discovered first hand affects of global warming, when his pumpkin garden was continuously washed out from the run off of melting glaciers. Magni took action and formed a coalition of concerned citizens who are fighting global warming by keeping their refrigerator doors open.

Zayra Alvarez – Zayra is attempting to recreate herself as Eva Peron as depicted by Madonna in Evita. However, instead of Argentina, she is trying to take over the state government of Montana. She faces a couple of obstacles in her quest. First, she is unable to find any Montana colonels to seduce so she has set her sights on Montana’s Lieutenant Governor, John Bohlinger, since a lieutenant is kind of like a colonel. Although Mr. Bohlinger has seriously considered her offers, he politely declined, and he outright shut down the idea of changing his last name to Peron, fearing he would lose his identity with the voters. Second, she is scaring the people of Montana by singing at them “Don't cry for me Montana, The truth is I never lived here, All through Rock Star days, My crazy costumes, I kept my weird stage moves, Don't keep your distance”. Frankly, they think she’s a little nutty.


Jenny Galt – Jenny became a prolific writer whose fiction explores three geographies and their cultures: the Yukon, California, and the South Pacific. She experiments with many literary forms, from conventional love stories and dystopias to science fantasy. Her noted journalism includes war correspondence, boxing stories, and the life of Molokai lepers. A committed socialist, she insists against editorial pressures to write political essays and inserts social criticism in her fiction. Jenny’s great passion is agriculture, and she was well on the way of creating a new model for ranching through her Beauty Ranch when she died of kidney disease at age 40. Well, she hasn’t died yet, but that is how she’ll go. I’m certain of it.

Josh Logan – Josh woke up this morning one minute before he was supposed to start work. He put on a pair of sweats, hawked a loogie into the sink and sat down to his computer, which was left on from last night. He logged into his company’s network exactly at his start time and then lied down on his couch. He had set his computer speakers at the highest level so he could hear alerts when email and instant messages floated in. It wasn’t loud enough. Josh woke up at lunch time. He opened the refrigerator and grabbed the butter dish. When he removed the cover, the three-quarters stick of butter fell to the floor where it collected numerous dog hairs. Josh spent a half hour de-hairing the butter until he decided not to have macaroni and cheese for lunch. Instead, he got a loaf of bread and a jar of jelly and treated himself to bread slice jelly dip jubilee. With jelly on his face, Josh returned to his computer and began addressing work related issues sent to him via email. Soon this practice transformed into chatting on his favorite message board. The afternoon passed quickly. The work day ended. Josh logged off the network and returned to the couch to watch a rerun of The Simpsons.

OK, this was actually a description of what my day was like today. I have no idea what Josh is doing lately, but I think he repairs lightening rods.

Matt Hoffer – Matt did not join a Duran Duran cover band, as everyone expected he would do after the show. In fact, he was duped into singing that Duran Duran song by one of Mark Burnett’s hookers and has been trying to live it down ever since. A word to the wise – do not sing songs hookers in Hollywood ask you to sing on TV. Killing the hooker did him no good, but it did provide an opportunity for an Iowa-born starlet who had stepped off the bus that same day. He moved back to Chicago and has been spotted hanging with the Lovehammers. Like Snoopy playing the vulture in A Charlie Brown Christmas, he waits for something bad to happen to Billy Sawilchik so he can become their new guitarist. Little does he know that Billy wears the Reverse Amulet of Peril. For those of you who don’t know about this sort of thing, the Reverse Amulet of Peril is actually the Amulet of Peril (which brings peril and destruction and other kinds of fatal dangerousness to the bearer. For the life of me, I don’t know why anybody would wear one, but to each his own.), but he wears it in a special way, around the waist and hanging backwards down his butt crack (don’t worry, it is made out of an emulsified polybicarbonate material that is actually pretty comfy down there. Not that I would know, but I heard good things about it.) so that the normal, unfavorable effects of the amulet are reversed, thereby protecting the bearer from the ill will of loitering Snoopy vulture type people. Matt has his work cut out for him.

Dilana – The day after she was booted from the show, Dilana filed a multi-billion dollar law suit against Phillip Morris claiming that their cigarettes did not effectively erode her vocal cords to the refined quality to entice Suave Porn. She insists she religiously followed their “Two and a Half Packs a Day to Stardom” program (which has since been removed from their web site). She argues that her voice has turned into more of a Lucille Ball on acid than a smoky seductive Roctress. Phillip Morris provided no official statement regarding the law suit, although I did get one of their reps to admit in a bar that he did her.

Dana Andrews – Dana received a special gift from the Rock Star show – Tommy Lee’s demon seed. She went back to Georgia to have the baby and raise it on her own. She enjoyed being a mother so much that she now has five children from seven different fathers. Tommy Lee sends her a check for a hundred bucks each month to support his child. To make ends meet, Dana works the overnight shift at WalMart and sells heroin on the side. The heroin dealing is more of a hobby than an occupation. It’s a habit she picked up during her Rock Star days in Hollywood. She has also added to her other keepsake from the show – her tattoo. Her body is now ninety percent covered in tattoos, depicting her entire Rock Star experience – from the time she first entered the mansion on her little toe, to the pool table scene when she received Tommy Lee that is drawn on the left side of her neck. She has a special homage to Ryan Star on her anus, but she wouldn’t let me see it.

Phil Ritchie – After being brutally tossed off the show when Suave Porn found out he was only there to get exposure for his lame band, Phil tried bolstering his rebel, devil-may-care, rock star attitude by getting moose antlers surgically implanted to each of his scapula. He claimed it would make him look like a fallen angel and people would be enchanted by him. Eventually, he got tired of people hanging their coats, hats and purses on his “angel wing skeleton” during his band's shows. He ended up cracking them off in a revolving door, leaving two hideous, giant nipple-looking things in his back. He can deal with only two people hanging their coats on him while he rocks out, so they continued their bar tour across the central eastern seaboard.

Jill Goia – Jill’s body has become possessed by the spirit of Sam Kinison. He had been lurking in the ethereal world for quite some time waiting for the perfect screeching voice to seize so he could carry on his comical message. It didn’t matter to him whether the voice belonged to a man or a woman. Sam actually likes being inside of a woman’s body, if you can believe that. However, during the metaphysical transfiguration, Sam’s spirit began to accidentally rotate around its horizontal access, which caused some discombobulation in Jill’s brain. Consequently, Sam’s prior experience as a preacher melded with his latter experience as a comedian to form Jill’s new persona. She now travels the world trying to help people with Sam’s comedic routines. For example, she has just established a mission in the northern plains of Mali to tell those suffering from hunger to move to where the food is. That’s the only help she provides to them. She has also set up shelters for people with social anxiety where she conducts sessions of incessant screaming. Her most controversial cause concerns the training of lesbians to learn to lick the alphabet, with the hopes of them become self-assured enough to come out of the closet.

Chris Pierson – Chris continues to try to convince anyone who will listen (mostly convicts and people in confessional booths) that he is one of the best singers in the world, as he deduced from that fact that he was chosen to be on the Rock Star show. He was not making much progress so he penned a letter to Andy Summers when he heard The Police were planning to tour again. He included a tape of his rendition of Roxanne and assured Andy he would be available should Sting choose to “go Big Shot on their asses again and rip their rock and roll feedbags from their faces” before the tour was over. He also asked Andy Summers if he was related to Donna Summer, Suzanne Somers or Edgar Winter. Chris lives in a tent outside of his post office box in anticipation of Andy’s response.

Lukas Rossi – Lukas joined Suave Porn and was never heard of again.

Rock Star - Our Constipation Has Finally Dissipated by Moist Rub

Tonight was the night. Brooke declared it, so it has to be true. The rockers all seemed excited, especially Dilana as exemplified by her Mary Catherine Gallagher “Superstar!” pose she threw at the audience. Then she fell into some chairs and exposed her grandma panties.

Brooke, dolled up in the finest Pocahontas maternity wear, demanded we all give Suave Porn a final “Hell Yeah”. I don’t like that kind of coarse language, so instead, I shouted out, “Fuckin-A, Yes!” Brooke admitted she couldn’t have done any of this without the help of Dave Navarro. Any of what? Any of standing there looking pretty and reading the teleprompter? Is he both her plastic surgeon AND her optometrist? That dude is multi-faceted, for sure. As we learned, last night’s final performance show could only be described as “epic”, so don’t even think about calling it amazing. Dave had his best summer ever in this calendar year, not counting the six-week binge and hookerfest he had in Brazil last (northern hemisphere) winter, which technically was summer there. He settled Suave Porn’s worries by telling them they could not lose with any of these remaining rockers (except for three of them).

On to Danger Island where Brooke revealed that Magni, Toby and Lukas all spent some time in the bottom three of the voting. Two of these three gentlemen would have to sing to the death with their favorite song of the year. Dilana was safe for the moment, but she continued to smell her fingers after having held them in her armpits. They smelled like partially dried dishrags. Brooke informed us that the voting volume broke records last night, although she did not say which records. My guess is that they broke the record for the most leprosy patients treated, which was held prior to this by the Avadhoot Bhagwan Ram Kushta Seva Ashram Hospital at Parao, India that has treated 99,045 patients with full leprosy since 1961. Incidentally, this amount is a dual record also held by Navjot Gavaskar, an admissions clerk at the hospital since 1961, for counting the most lepers.

Magni was deemed the first unsafe rocker on Danger Island. His favorite song this summer is Fire by Jimi Hendrix. Tlee hates Magni, by the way. You can tell by the look on his face every time Magni’s name is brought up. It’s the same kind of look Katie Couric used to give Matt Lauer. Tlee also hates Iceland because he doesn’t know where it is or that people actually “come from there.” The back of the stage looked like it was actually on fire during Magni’s performance. I feared for Nate’s life until I realized it was just one of those fireplace videos people in mobile homes put in their vcr’s during Christmas. Finally, something eventful happened during one of Magni’s performances. My dog threw up on my carpet. I shouldn’t let her eat leftover burritos sitting on my counter from the weekend.

The second rocker hanging in the balance was Toby. He felt like pretending he was Billy Idol with White Wedding. He sounded like Billy for the first part of the song. But it was merely a ploy to show how much he’s changed since the show started, as he Tobyfied the rest of the song to the delight of young hopping girls across the globe. He almost made it to the end of the song without leaving the stage. He couldn’t take it anymore, since he’s deathly afraid of heights. So he jumped down into a clearing in the crowd, but returned to the stage with a rocker roll, timing the tangent of his coccyx to floor perfectly with the last beat of the song. Angus Young can’t even do that.

Toby and Magni stood on stage, with their hands folded at their respective crotches as if they were waiting for their prom dates to finally descend the staircase so they could escape the suspicious leer of their dates’ father. Unfortunately, only Toby’s date came down because Magni’s date was upstairs puking from pregnancy sickness that he caused a few weeks earlier after the acoustic show. Toby was allowed to dance his heart out at the prom, while Suave Porn father beat the snot out of Magni and sent him back to his fiery cave in Iceland. Although, they did mention they liked his ride. Ultimately, Suave Porn thought Magni was more suited to be in a band than to front a band. I agree. As we’ll learn later, apparently, the Suave Porn guys like to stand around and do nothing on stage while the lead singer does all the work. But, that is a story for another few minutes. Jason declared Magni the King of Iceland and sent him on his way. Iceland doesn’t have a king, as it is run by their prime minister. Although, they do have a president who acts as more of a ceremonial leader, so maybe that’s what Jason meant. He was in Metallica so we’re not sure what he ever means. But, he was in Metallica, so it’s ok.

Before we could move on to the good stuff (hopefully there would be good stuff), we endured the plights of the three remaining rockers, in video form, enhanced by a live comment by each rocker. Lukas admires Suave Porn for being good guys, even though they are rich, and being rich gives people the sacred right of being a prick, but Suave Porn is not a prick. He would be honored to lead them, as long as they stay away from any tall grass, in which case Suave Porn wouldn’t be able to find him. Dilana proclaims to be the One Ring to rule them all, to find them, to bring them all and in the darkness bind them because she is dedicated 1000% and is not limited by the rules of math. Tlee’s ears perk up when he hears the talk of binding them. Toby punctuates his growth as a performer, licks Suave Porn’s ass for showing him the way and mocks the other two rockers for being munchkins. Tlee declares them all amazing, not to be confused with epic, and decrees that they should all sing once again.

During the next commercial break, we are tormented with clips of Lukas singing Headspin in a Survivor promo. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win? But, I’ll go through the rest of this crap, anyway, but with less heart than I normally do.

Lukas – Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. He was competing with the band for room in the soundosphere, and was losing except for where the orchestration was brought down for dramatic effect. Slathering, contortioning, pointing. Nothing new here. And why would there be?

Dilana – Zombie by The Cranberries. Dilana came at us with the determined look of a preschooler trying to write a cursive capital Q. It looks like her severed calf has healed, thank goodness. Either that or Paula Abdul gave her some helpers after the taping of last night’s show. Other than seeming to produce some vocal tones on her inhales, ala Ronnie Woo Woo of Cubs fan fame, nothing new to report here, either.

Toby – Somebody Told Me by The Killers. Why bother, Lukas already won. I’m watching Storm’s pre-Rock Star Great Day on You Tube right now. Beauty. And I just got done watching some Scott Weiland/STP videos to see if there was any similarity between his style and Lukas’, as my newest conspiracy theory claims that Suave Porn is trying to form a “super” group to compete with Velvet Revolver. There wasn’t much similarity. Maybe back in Scott’s younger days – a little. He’s better than Lukas. Still, I believe my theory still holds true. Now I’m eating Chips Ahoy cookies. They’re not as good as they used to be. I’m getting crumbs in the keyboard. So, that was Toby’s last performance on the show. Good on ya, mate.

Ooo, look, Tlee’s drums magically appeared on stage. Brooke must have missed the stagehands (they’re not called roadies on a tv show) setting them up during the commercial break because she was busy trying to find out what my new phone number is. Nobody knows why Tlee’s drums are on stage. I’ll play along. Jason booted Toby from the show because he has great vocal range, has the best voice for cutting through the guitars and has notched himself up through the ranks all season long. I guess he ran out of notches. I’m not even sure where you would buy notches. What the hell is a notch, anyway? It sounds like something I don’t want to have growing in my sigmoid colon, that’s for sure. So, the notch ridden Toby is no more. He thanked the Suave Porn and also told them to eat it.

They eliminated the march of shame for the ousted rockers for this year’s version of Rock Star. I was looking forward to seeing the fallen rockers again, especially Chris, one of the best singers in the world, so I’ve heard. Instead, Gibly asked for more time to keep us in suspense for an extra couple of minutes. I took this opportunity to scratch my back on the corner of the wall.

We came back from commercial to watch two sweating people on stage. I usually go to Wal-Mart to look at sweating people. Someone on the show said this has been an incredible summer of rock and roll. As far as television shows go, I agree. This show has rocked pretty good at times. It’s no Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, but it’s probably all we can expect from network TV nowadays.

The final Suave Porn assessment of Lukas: He’s got the look, the energy and they love the way he moves and can't wait to see if he ever explodes.

The final Suave Porn assessment of Dilana: She’s yeah, enchanting and unbelievable, but mostly yeah.

Lukas, you’re our boy. Welcome. (note: now I’m listening to Patrice’s original Suave Porn clinic song – Hopscotch Butterscotch, or whatever it was called and then I'll watch her performance of My Iron Lung - one of my faves from the show, like Suzy's Get Back from last year.)

Dilana was pissed but was cordial and said all the right things. Although, she did do the Animal House coughing “Blow Job” and “Eat Me” thing. Dave asked her to come rock with them on tour, since they’ll need somebody to smack around after Lukas gets too bloody. Gibly promised to help her write and produce her album when he has nothing better to do. Dilana said that would kick ahss, and encouraged Lukas to kick some serious ahss, too. So Lukas kicked Paul in the face. They were having so much fun kicking Dilana off the show, Sauve Porn forgot to unveil themselves with Lukas, until Brooke reminded them because that is what the teleprompter told her to say.

After a few minutes of Suave Porn hug fest on stage, they tried to crank it up with Be Yourself, which is that one song that sounds like a Louis XIV song. It is at this point I figured out the primary reason they chose Lukas. They don’t want anybody understanding their insipid lyrics and making fun of them. They have succeeded in that quest. Eventually, they made their way to It’s All Love, a non-descript anthem. As I alluded to before, another reason they chose Lukas is because of his energy. Jason and Gibly act like they are performing in a wax museum on stage. Tlee looks like he’s operating a lathe and doesn’t want to mess up his wood. They’re not very dynamic performers at all, especially compared to all the bragging they’ve been doing all summer. You know, Jason used to be in Flotsam and Jetsam. Magni accompanied them on It’s All Love, and he was the most animated musician in the band. What does that tell you? It tells me, they should hire acrobatic robots to perform for them. Or at least let Shields and Yarnell join the band as back up mimes.

One good thing has come out of all of this. After diligently watching every Tuesday and Wednesday night for the entire summer and seeing the same commercials being played over and over and over in my face. I’m really excited about that new show The Class. It doesn't look similar to Friends at all.

Having said all of this, I do intend to see Suave Porn live – as soon as they open for The Lovehammers.

(By the time I was finished writing this amazing epic, I was watching videos of Marty from last year's show. If you don't like this blog, blame him. It's his fault we started this whole mess. The Lovehammers are awesome - Brooke says to check them out.)

Rock Star - We're Almost Done, Thank Xe by Moist Rub

Tonight, Brooke wore a menacing dark suit with a blood red power tie. As she sat behind a desk with her hands folded, she announced that the safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle on the stage of Rock Star. If Suave Porn chooses the wrong rocker, the terrorists win. Wait, maybe that was President Bush last night in his pull-the-wool address that interrupted our football, and it was the battle in the streets of Baghdad, instead of on the stage of Rock Star. Either way, it was one of the stupidest lines I’ve ever heard. That crazy President Bush and his presidential addresses – he’s the original reality show darling, appearing on one of the scariest reality shows I’ve ever seen. Even worse than Enemas With B-List Celebrities You Recognize But Can't Recall Their Names.

There was a lot of hand made signs displayed in the audience tonight, each praising the bearer’s favorite rocker. I saw one for Tlee that said “My Dad Love’s Tommy Lee”. On the back of it was written, “In the Worst and Most Painful Way.” That sign was held by Gibly’s daughter. When Tlee saw it, he moved his chair closer to Gibly’s and did the yawn/put-your-arm-around move. Another sign said, “I’m Paula Abdul and I have no idea where I am.”

Brooke was feeling a little tired from being gravid, so she turned over the announcing reigns to Dilana to announce the winner of the Rock Star loser vote. Yes, the winner was Ryan Star. Yes, when I said “loser” in the prior sentence, I was referring to the people who voted for Ryan. But I don’t think the votes mattered, so no offense to you losers out there. Apparently, Ryan has an album called Dark Horse already on sale on line. Mark Burnett owns eighty percent of it, so the “voters voted” for Ryan to come back and sing to us about his only chance of getting laid – global thermal nuclear war. Hey, it worked for Matthew Broderick in The Producers. Ryan’s song is called Back of Your Car, but is also known as Armageddon to Get Some. His desperation to get his pee-pee dipped is pretty evident in that he’s asking his partner to take off her clothes in the first line. What, no romance? Not even a “your eyes look so beautiful when reflecting the atomic blast in the distance”? If you have to ask your partner to take off xe’s clothes, you’re trying too hard. I know this to be true because Dr. Phil told me so in a dream. And then I braided his back hair. To get Ryan to come back to his stage of shame, they bribed him with a repossessed Honda CRV, complete with a chocolate phone that he immediately used to make wireless s’mores.

Next we took a recap ride on each amazing rockers’ amazing roller coaster amazing journey through their amazing rock star experience. It was nothing short of amazing.

Toby began the rocking, performing to a sea of EVS signs, with Karma Police by Radiohead. He wore his best cop sunglasses to reinforce the law enforcement motif of the song. Toby had just come back from working out and still wore his weight lifting gloves. This was his personal statement about police brutality. None of us know which side of the issue he is on, however. More importantly, he wore the gloves because he can’t afford to get calluses due to his masturbatory sensitivity issues. This also explains the numerous bottles of aloe in his bedroom. And the oven mitts. And the silly putty. Toby gave us an expected Tobylly awesome version of this song. The only twist he tossed us was that he stayed on the stage for the entire song. I didn’t see that coming. To crank out his original, Throw Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh It All Away, Toby demanded the presence of the man from Iceland on the stage. Since Halldór Ásgrímsson was not in attendance, Magni took his spot and played guitar. This allowed Toby to add a dimension of frivolity to his show. At one point, he appeared to be examining Magni’s scalp for sebaceous cysts, but he was actually writing “EVS” on the back of his skull with a permanent marker. Permanent marker, not one of those Crayola washable ones. They are now considered to be married in some parts of the Australian outback. There is nothing more rock and roll than aboriginal same sex marriages. And what about the pig-footed bandicoot? What, indeed. Magni tried to get back at Toby for marrying him without asking his wife by attempting to bludgeon Toby with his guitar. But it was all in fun, so they had figurative make up sex on stage by playing tandem guitar. Toby was the driver, in case you were wondering. Dave and Suave Porn all loved the Toby show, except that Gibly bitched about something, but nobody listened to him because we were all distracted by Tlee’s tongue in his ear.

Lukas used the Liza Minnelli comb over to groom himself for tonight’s show. It was fabulous. I think he may have used some of her make-up application techniques, too. He probably has the entire Liza self-help DVD collection at home. Lukas likes to shower himself with more dramatic lighting than the other rockers. It exemplifies his histrionic, Jan Brady-like outpouring as he works through his personal demons on the stage. Little does he know that the audience has decided to start charging him $150 per hour for these sessions. Lukas’ cover song tonight was Fix You by Coldplay. I’d like to tell you how he did, but, honestly, I don’t remember it much. It wasn’t much different than all of his other efforts. I do remember he was pointing at everybody a lot. I felt so accused. After a moment or six of dramatic dead air, Lukas let us know that he would be taking Head Spin down a little bit. He took it way down. He chose to solo acoustic at it. His guitar was open tuned in case his hands cramped up from the emotional pain he would experience and he would then be able to play the rest of the song with his feet. Unfortunately, his hands remained pliable. The feet playing would have spiced up the act immensely. This taken down performance enabled us to actually understand some of the lyrics. Once the pain in my temple from trying to make sense of them goes away, I’ll let you know what I think. Dave announced that Paula Abdul was in the audience because she wanted to hear some real singers perform. She was holding another sign: “Will critique nicely for pills”. Dave and Suave Porn proceeded to bathe Lukas in tongue sauce.

Dilana chose to sing Roxanne by The Bacon Patrol because a departed rocker had already performed it, and she wanted to show the world how it should be done. That is quite a challenge Dilana gave herself – singing the same song that another rocker did that was arguably considered the worst performance of the entire season. Way to set the bar high, Dilana. To her credit, she did a fabulous job. I enjoy the tender Dilana more than the braying hellhound Dilana. She pippified the male rockers to sing back up for her. They sounded great, too. Then she ruined everything by singing Soup Or Soul, her original song that dares the listener to choose between eternal existence and an unbelievably delicious crock of lobster bisque. I took the bisque, and I hate seafood. She announced the song by declaring, “This song is not a rebel song, this song is Super Bloody Soulday.” I think she may have borrowed that introduction from somebody else. She went on to say that this song was about letting the bad things go, like this song. So we let it go, as she wandered around the studio, singing to all that would listen, and eventually serenading Suave Porn, with face touching and everything. She even sang a bit to the anesthetized Paula Abdul. I found it interesting that when Dilana did that, she happened to sing, “No way you can hurt me anymore.” Paula must have been stealing Dilana’s face jewelry, mistaking them for Librium pills. Again, Dave and Suave Porn declared their goat fetishes about Dilana.

Magni closed the show by singing Hush by Deep Purple and then his original When the Time Comes. It was a typical Magni performance. Solid, yet uneventful. I like Magni, and I hope he wins, but he won’t. First of all, I never get what I want, so boo hoo for me and for him. Remember when I wanted that new sled for Christmas in the third grade? Remember what I got instead? That’s right, airplane glue. Looking back, I enjoyed the airplane glue more than I would have enjoyed the sled, but that’s not the point. Second of all, Tlee roasted him. He claimed to remember the other three rockers’ songs, but that there was nothing memorable about Magni’s original. I happen to think Magni’s original is pretty good and is definitely closest in style to what I’ve heard of the Suave Porn stuff. Magni retorted, “I don’t hear anybody walking down the street humming any of your crap you guys made us sing over the past few weeks either, scarecrow.” Which is true. Tlee does remind me of a scarecrow. I can’t recall a single melody of any of their songs. And, if I can’t recall one, nobody else can either. That’s a rule I just made up. So, Magni is pretty much out. Unless Tlee is messing with us. But, I doubt it, and I don’t care, because Storm is gone.

The Bird Ass Beans were Magni, Lukas and Toby, with Dilana leading the pack. I’m not sure how it will end up tomorrow. I still can’t figure out how Ryan got to be the resurrected rocker. The human animal confuses me. That is why I spend most of my time with pig-footed bandicoots. I’m not even sure what the plan is for tomorrow’s show. Do they oust the low man on the voting pole from the get-go, and have a dance off between the remaining ones? Or, do they do us a favor and give the gig to the highest vote getter and end the show after two and a half minutes. Again, I don’t care, because Storm is gone. And so is Patrice. And Brooke is knocked up. This season has been very rough on my frail little psyche. I think I need to write a song about Lukas’ mother.

Rock Star Sucks - How Could They Do That To Dear Sweet Innocent Little Storm by Moist Rub

Oh, where should I start? How about the end? They launched Storm. I officially blog under protest from here on out.

Not that any of the rest of this crap matters, since they got rid of Storm tonight, but here is what happened. Dave congratulated Brooke for getting knocked up. Brooke told us she is having another girl. Dave appreciates the possibility of having another little Brooke Burke in the world. We are all very happy for her. How does that help Storm? It doesn’t. We move on.

How could they get rid of Storm? Obviously, she was the best and most unique performer. She had the most to offer Suave Porn and what did that get her? A swift kick in the ass. That’s what. She intimidates them. That’s what it is. Fine. Good luck to you, dumb ass Suave Porn. Here is your future should you choose any one of the remaining “rockers”.

Magni – they’ll get one short-lived quasi-hit out of him. He’ll trick them into signing him to a lifetime contract. After the quasi-hit dies out in a matter of weeks and Pauly Shore won’t even return their phone calls, they’ll move to Iceland, move into a volcano, sell Magni’s wife for bier money and vow to raise Magni’s son together. An Icelandic television producer will hear about their living situation and create a reality sit com show called Minn Fjórir Viðmótsþýður Klám Faðir. The volcano will erupt in the third season encasing them all in Pompeii-like tombs. Then we’ll mock them in museums throughout the world.

Lukas – after spending months upon months in the studio and only being able to record one verse and the chorus of each song, Tlee downs a giant bag of lysergic acid diethylamide, finds a magic furry frog and teaches it to sing. He fools the rest of Suave Porn into thinking the frog is Lukas by painting a white stripe down its fur and by applying gobs of disoriented eye make-up to its face. Lukas is out roaming the halls of the studio checking out what Men Without Hats are doing with their comeback album when Suave Porn finishes recording. Suave Porn, led by the magic furry frog, heads out on tour, which, along with the album, is fabulously successful. They reach the ultimate heights of rock super stardom when PETA finally catches up with them and douses them with carbolic acid for Lukasifying a perfectly innocent magic furry frog. Suave Porn corrodes into withered skeletons (which would have happened naturally in about seven years, anyway), while Lukas tries to remember which reality show he won. The magic furry frog goes on to become the spokesamphibian for Mentos.

Dilana – before they can even begin rehearsals, Dilana complains to the press that Tlee doesn’t eat all of his vegetables, Gibly sleeps with his shoes on and Jason likes to spit into the air and catch it back in his mouth. She refuses to sing the lyrics written by the band because they have nothing to do with her. Without informing Dilana, Suave Porn decides to record an instrumental album and lets Dilana sing her egocentric lyrics into an unplugged microphone. On the way to their first gig in Vegas, they shove her out of the limo window into a canyon. The Suave Porn boys all return to their old bands where they belong. Dilana tears her other calf muscle on the fall down the canyon. The cacti she lands on think she’s a hero for enduring such pain and asks her to join their band. She agrees and they do a few shows at garage sales in Encino.

Toby – Toby’s presence in the band attracts a lot of young hot chicks. They have a successful album and tour and make a lot of money.

OK, maybe Toby will work out.

Maybe.

I’m still disenchanted with this show, however.

They gave Magni the opportunity to front the Suave Porn. To tame his fierce stage show, they hid him behind a large, cumbersome acoustic guitar. The name of Suave Porn’s new hit single is It’s All Love, which is an homage to Courney Love’s basketball career. Or, maybe that was Bob Love. Magni spent most of the time singing to the stage floor since the stage floor demographic buys most of the albums in Iceland. When he rid himself of the guitar to crank it up a notch (effectively using the roadie slave labor, I might add), he tried to stumble walk over to interact with Gibly and Jason. They ignored him like a stomping horse at an abacus convention. They were busy concentrating on the notes. Note concentration is often overlooked in rock and roll. These boys should be commended, but they won’t be by me because they hurt poor Storm.

Good news. At least I thought it was good news until I learned that Storm would no longer be on the show. Now, I couldn’t give a pig flying coital feat. Suave Porn added Dave and his channel of panic to the tour bill. Yip-fricken-pee.

Toby was awarded the encore for his Oh Oh Oh song. He also won a tricked out Honda Element. By tricked out, they mean it’s got enough gas in it to make it to the nearest gas station to fill up. Toby dedicated the song to the master of the stingray, Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter. His death is tragic, especially when you consider he left a young daughter behind and was beloved by many people, but at least he didn’t have to live to see the day when Storm WOULD BE OUSTED BY SUAVE PORN! Toby’s encore was no different than his regular core last night. Brooke gave Toby the keys to the Element after his performance. He ate them because he thought they were barbecued dingo teeth (a delicacy in Australia).

Everybody made it to Danger Island this week. Storm should have never been there. What kinds of communists are voting out there? Juggling communists? Fire breathing communists?

It pained Brooke to announce Storm’s name as the first contestant in the bottom three. There was magic in the full lipped, and a little bit of tongue, kiss they shared on yesterday’s show. Magic not unlike that a magic furry frog may wield. Storm chose from Marty’s arsenal to defend herself as she fought the bottom three dragon with Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. She was fabulous. One would think she could never be asked to leave the show after such an immaculate performance. It makes me question my most deeply held beliefs, such as my belief that truck tires grow from telephone poles. She made everybody cry. She made Lukas’s make up run, by golly! That was for you, Mom of Storm. I guess Suave Porn hates Storm’s mom. Nice. Real nice.

Next up, Delino Deshields. His career batting average was .268 and he hit 80 home runs. I can see why he got a sex change and changed his name to Dilana. She propelled herself onto the stage using her newly bought Chia crutches. What a trooper. Nobody in the history of the universe has ever dealt with such pain and has been able to perform with such dorky hoppability. Had this tragedy happened to Storm, she would have bit Tlee’s leg off and stapled it to her hip in order to provide a crutchless, whineyless, self-pityless performance for the masses. But I guess that kind of courage makes no difference to Suave Porn. Dilana wanted to sing a punk song. When I think punk song, I invariably think of the poppy, yet a little cheesy, but well likable, I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick. Who doesn’t? If she wanted to sing a Cheap Trick punk song, she should have at least opted for He’s a Whore. But, what do I know; I’m just a blogger with two perfectly healthy calves. I’ve got no talking points. She tried to punk up the song and make it dastardly, but it didn’t work. Sure, she fooled the audience and the Suave Porn, who gave her a standing ovation, but she didn’t fool me. I did give a standing ovation to her good calf, however.

Magni fell for it. Toby didn’t.

Lukas the doofus (as coined by my son) was the third bottom tonight, because Brooke needed him on stage to ask him for some eye shadow application tips. Lukas and Dilana have very similar voices, only Dilana’s is tinged with more testosterone. Come to think of it, they have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them are Storm and they are both still on the show, and I’m bored with both of their acts. Lukas felt the need for more catharsis tonight, so he tortured us with his bi-polar Headspin, once again. As usual, his performance consisted of disc-slipping, rib-breaking body contortions and his coughing-up-a-lung singing style. Dean Martin used to do the same kind of thing until he saw Jerry Lewis doing it and realized how stupid it looked.

Gibly mailed in his wrap up. He cursed the two women for recurring themselves in the bottom three and set the doofus back to the rocker den since it was only his first offense. Tlee forgot to take his viagra and was not able to perform his Tleehawk duties. He granted those duties to Jason, who was not interested in sleeping with Storm, as Tlee was, so he had no problem giving her the big bus ticket. He even told her to sleep in her own bed, when he knows damn well that she’s been sleeping in Magni’s bed all this time.

Storm thanked the fans in the audience, the fans at home (me, in particular) and her freak family of rockers. They must have omitted her thanking Suave Porn. Or did she? We may never know. We may never care. Dave gave Storm the around the world tongue bath of her life. I like Dave. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. In fact, I may buy an extremely overpriced ticket to their tour stop in Chicago, watch the House Band featuring the crappy rockers and enjoy Dave and his band, and then go home, just to piss off Suave Porn. And they’ll know that I left, I guarantee it. I will leave them an acerbic note on the windshield of their jet. And, I’ll buy one of their t-shirts from the parking lot guy instead of one of their authorized vendors. That’ll show them.

Who cares? Storm is gone and I hate everybody.

Rock Star - Sept 5 Moist Rub

I know we are all worried about Ryan since he was so rudely catapulted from the show last week. We all fear that he will not have an appropriate outlet for his angst and will end up brooding at librarians in the street. Do not fret, as he has found an activity that will help him channel his angst in socially acceptable ways. He has been busy, very busy, downloading his own performances from MSN. He has been so prolific at this task that he now holds the top three spots for the most downloaded artist, including his original song of throes. He has had to replace his keyboard and mouse thirty-seven times, however.

We endured the recap of the mansion show. The only noteworthy segment, other than the mischief merriment described by Sid, yesterday, was Paul’s comment about Dilana’s attempt to transmogrify Behind Blue Eyes having never heard the entire song. He declared it her changing from a position of ignorance. From his cagey tone and the way he kept hand grooming his hair away from his face (ever heard of a bobby pin, mister?), I got the feeling that he thought this was the wrong thing to do. Speaking as a man who has changed from a position of ignorance when my son was born, and eventually I got pretty good at swapping out those dirty diapers even though I had never done it before, I beg to claim bull poppy. Sometimes a position of ignorance breeds novel and exciting directions, like the time I thought it would be a good idea to place a week’s worth of diapers on the boy each Monday, and merely peel the outer one away each time he soiled. I still can’t figure out why that didn’t seem to work. It looked good on paper.

Poor Dilana. She ripped a calf muscle trying to tap dance her way out the derisive comments she made about her fellow rockers. This should be a lesson to you young rockers out there – Tap dancing and rockin’ don’t mix. Always go with the Farandole, unless the beat demands the Lindy Hop. Luckily for Dilana, Michael Clarke Duncan was hanging out back stage and was able to carry her to a stool on the stage for her performance. Then he said, “Just took it back, is all. Awful tired now, boss. Dog tired.”

Dilana began her set with the aforementioned Behind Blue Eyes by The Who. She began in tender fashion, reminiscent of Shirley Temple’s Polly Wolly Doodle. Eventually, she tore down the temple and launched the new rad fad of Stool Jammin’, not to be confused with Michelle Pfieffer’s A-frame ladder jammin’ in Grease 2. Being cripple, she resorted to pointing around the stage so the audience would know where she wanted to romp. She also made the House Band come to her to rock and to bring her soup and hot oil gauze pads. The camera zoomed in on her own blues at the end of the song so we could see what was behind them. No surprise here, it was only a couple of optic nerves, just like most other people. To keep the set hot, Dilana described her life as the house amoeba and denounced the importance of her becoming the singer of Suave Porn because she is a Super Soul and that is all she needs. Or maybe she meant Super Sole, and she plans to open a chain of footwear stores if she doesn’t win. Like the other glimpses we’ve had at her lyric writing, this song is all about her in the here and now, as if she has no past experiences, no forethought on the conditions of others, no dreams or no overtures of getting in a girl’s pants. Her lyrics describe her current situation at all times, “Ohhhhhhh, I’m at the butcher shop, and I like the ribeye, but ooooooooo, that hot pork chop, is making me cry. Ohhhhhhhhh, I’ll need some peas, to serve on the side, but oooooooooooo, help me please, it’s a crazy ride!” Gibly called her out on the literalness of her songs. Dave didn’t like her original. Nor did I. Tlee threatened to put Dave in a box, because he enjoyed Dilana’s Super Sole and asked what she had available in size twelve. Jason commended her on her strong will and effort, which, of course, is what we say to all the crappy players on the little league team.

We were all delighted to hear that Suave Porn would be playing an additional show at The Joint on New Year’s Day, since the original gig is sold out. What a relief! Now I won’t have to kill my neighbor to get his tickets to the New Year’s Eve show. Also, we learned that the House Band will be opening with the ghosts of Rock Star past. Darn tootin’, I’d be willing to pay double for that kind of show, which is good because they’re already charging double, from what I’ve seen.

Magni took the stage next. He began his set with Back In The USSR by The Beatles. Do not fear, dear audience, there is no danger of Magni falling off the stage, as Suave Porn would like him to do. He follows the same path, up and down the runway (I think he’s on a trolley track), subtly eliciting emotion only by his careful man handling of the mic stand and performing his signature two-handed mic grab. Magni strolled over to Rafael to watch his guitar solo. He looked like a politician being forced to watch the Ladies Auxiliary Kazoo Jamboree as part as his campaigning, especially when he peeked to the audience with his, “would ya get a load of this” facial expression. Magni transitioned to his original with the clichéd “Are We Having Fun?” to the crowd. He explained that he had freshly translated the lyrics from Icelandic into English, and we should ignore the references to fish spleen ascensions, because there is no English word that translates literally to it. Magni’s original song is called When the Time Comes, and it rocks, especially after hearing Dilana’s bio-song about pushing back her cuticles. Magni has the voice to support Suave Porn, but he does not have the attitude and stage presence. That will be his bane, unless Suave Porn thinks they can keep him permanently drunk. Dave dug the riff and Magni’s aggressive vocals. Tlee questioned Magni’s duplicated approach to both songs. Magni claimed that the he performed both the songs, and all songs sound the same in Iceland. Gibly wanted him to bring it a little more and fall off the stage.

As Brooke announced Storm to the stage, Dave, surprised to hear that Storm would be singing Suffragette City by David Bowie, interrupted Brooke to ask Storm if he could rock with her. She said, “Sure Dave, sit your ass down behind the glockenspiel and rock your heart out.” Storm was dressed in a black French spy outfit which was in stark contrast to Dave’s white guitar and glowing aura, coupled with the blatant difference in the height of Storm compared to Dave, and confounded by the traditional leadership roles between men and women being recalibrated by their interaction, created a dichotomic dynamic which was not actually reflected in their performance, so I shouldn’t have even brought it up. Storm used this song as a helicopter launching pad to eventually reveal a truer version of the real Storm in her original. Although, her plan was almost foiled because Dave was playing in the wrong key. It wasn’t his fault. This was his first time manning the glockenspiel. To keep things rolling between songs, Storm chose to pray to the good lord almighty (Mark Burnett) and strip down to her under shirt. Her song was called, Ladylike, but it was actually called What the F*ck is Ladylike, but actually sung as What the What is Ladylike. So, if you were confused about what exactly is ladylike before hearing this song, there is no way in hell you know what it is now. I know I don’t. This was as close to seeing the real Storm Large as I’ve seen on this show, based on the videos of what I’ve seen of her solo work. Storm gave Suave Porn a good dose of what they’d be getting if they hired her. I don’t think Suave Porn could handle it. She would take over, relegating them to and the Heartbreakers status. Dave gave Storm the utmost compliment of being on the same level as Perry Ferrell. He also claimed it was his favorite original ever performed in the decade spanning history of Rock Star. Tlee boasted that her track was vvvvvvvhhhhhvhvhhvhvh. Gibly busted his balls and said the same gibberish. Nice one, Gibly. They cut whatever philosophical blather Jason offered. On the way to commercial, Storm kissed Brooke full on the lips and said, “See, if you stuck to this kind of stuff, you wouldn’t have to be wearing that horrible vertically striped top to disguise your growing motherly paunch.”

Lukas, wearing an outfit from the Beetlejuice collection from Sears, revised the crap out of Livin’ On a Prayer by Bon Jovi. I mean that literally. He took the crap right out of that song, turning it into something audibly bearable. However, I was not sure what song he was singing until he got to the chorus, because of his garbled groaning in the first verse. He instilled a mood diametrically opposed to the cheerful optimism Jon Bon Jovi used to try to trick girls into sleeping with him. Like his cherubic good looks and fantastically teased hair was not enough. As for Lukas, he is trying to trick girls into thinking he’s got a giant bag of heroin in the back seat of his car. Maybe he does. Whatever it takes, right ladies? No matter, he improved a hackneyed song. Speaking of hackneyed, Lukas asked the audience how everybody was doing out there as part of his transition to his original song. I heard one guy yell, “pretty good, how about you.” Lukas created the best flow of the night from his cover song to his original. Headspin, Lukas’s original, which is a song of hate about his mother, began in a similar tempo as his harnessed Livin’ On a Prayer, and built slowly from there until he was writhing on a couch in the fetal position sucking on his thumb while Jason took notes asking him how does that make you feel. Lukas must have found the bag of angst Ryan forgot to pack before he left the mansion. I can’t say that I liked this song. Well, I could say it, but I would be lying, and the last thing I want to do is make stuff up. I did enjoy the dainty background singing by the House Band. Also, it was fun watching Sasha spit hot soup all over Nate. Dave dug the emotion. Tlee wasn’t sure how he felt so he asked the audience if they liked it. The applause sign eventually went on, so the audience liked it accordingly. Gibly finds inspiration in Lukas’ hate for his mother. Jason must have bombasticated some more philosophical hoo-hah, since his thoughts were stricken from the record.

Toby closed out the show with his set that began with Mr. Brightside by The Killers. Short glimpse: better than The Killers, not as good as Marty’s from last year. Magni should pay attention to Toby on the stage. He is chock full of energy and emits it all over the place, without sacrificing his vocal strength. I could do without the pseudo-rap romping, but I guess that is what’s in now, and I’m a fogey. At one point, Toby flashed my old gang’s symbol, so I went out to the corner and shot an old guy that would not admit being in a rival gang. Toby prefaced his original by asking if anyone ever feels like they’re not in their own skin, especially after a weekend of heavy drinking. The bad guy from Silence of the Lambs raised his hand. Toby looked at him and said, “Well, this one’s for you and for your pit in the basement, weirdo V-boy.” Toby performed Throw It Away as a message to all young people that you will not be held responsible for all the stupid things you do when you’re drunk as long as you throw it away, where “it” is any dead bodies, used prophylactics, evidence of any wrong-doing or general memories of acting like a dope that were the result of your intoxication. I will use this song to train my children as then enter pre-adulthood. As usual, Toby was all over the room during his performance. He works the crowd well and demands the folks have a good time. I could even see Brooke’s fetus tapping its yolk sac though her tummy. On his jaunt, Toby spent much time on the Suave Porn perch. Tlee couldn’t handle seeing Toby’s tight little Australian ass wiggling in front of him for too long. Eventually, Tlee tried to grab Toby’s tush. Toby directed Nigel to perform a drum solo while he went to Human Resources to file a sexual harassment complaint. He soon returned and finished the song by molesting all of the rockers in the Al Roker den. Toby rendered his song an anthem with his repeated rhythmic “Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh’s”. The crowd loved to sing along at home, and Suave Porn took notice. Dave declared it instantaneously memorable. What is? The song. What song? I don’t remember. Tlee thought it was bad bleepin’ “S”. You thought it was bad. No, good. But you said bad. I meant bad meaning good. Oh, good. No, bad. What? Gibly likes the way he puts the fun in rock and roll. Until now, rock and roll has been all about doldrums. Jason enjoyed the way Toby embraces people, but stay away from his daughter. Toby is the love child of the recently departed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin and Billy Idol, in case you were wondering.

In and effort to squash my marketing of the Bird Ass Beans term to represent the early bottom three in the voting, the producers decided to give a full rundown of the early voting ranks of all rockers. Those bastards! The prompt voters put the rockers in the following order: Toby, Lukas, Magni, Storm and Dilana. This would indicate that the Bird Ass Beans (so there!), derived from this list, are Magni, Storm and Dilana. Personally, I would take Storm out (to a local dive bar and then maybe hit Wendy’s on the way home because they’re open late, but if it’s too late, we’d go to either White Castles or Burritoland), and put in Magni. Storm is my new favorite. I think Dilana’s reign of terror will soon be over.

Rock Star - Aug 30 Moist Rub

Brooke displayed the Final Six neatly organized in a linear arrangement on the stage. They looked proud, yet perplexed, and slightly abscessed, to be there, these Final Six. The NCAA has contacted the creators of the show warning them to not even think about getting close to using the term Final Four, should it come to that. Don’t even try to use Final Five, which is too close, or they’ll retract any fake credits Tlee earned on his going-to-college reality show. Tlee needs those college credits on his resume in order to get tenure. The producers have decided to go with Final Cubed Root of Three Hundred Forty-Three minus Three when only four rockers remain. The NCAA, since it is more concerned with sports and marketing than education, is incapable of doing the math, so Tlee is safe.

Already dressed for her video shoot with Twisted Sister for their re-remake of Leader of the Pack after this taping, Brooke informed us that they received the most votes ever. I voted once for Storm, which was the first vote I cast this season, so I can only presume I put us over the top. You’re welcome, Mark Burnett. Dilana looked delighted to hear the news, although I’m pretty sure they edited in her response to hearing there was free throat scrapings back stage after the show.

Next, we quietly celebrated with the rockers back at the mansion. All we learned here was that nobody was afraid of the big bad wolf that is the bottom three. Instead of quietly wasting our time, they could have showed us the Bugs Bunny episode where he pretends to be Little Red Riding Hood and torments the big bad wolf. We would have gotten the same idea, and we would have been much more entertained.

Dave declared this week’s performance episode the best in Rock Star history. Jason confirmed this by refering his scrapbook, but noted that last year’s episode where Andrew Farriss broke the Twinkie eating world record while Brandon sang Sweet Home Alabama was a close second. Dave asked Storm, who looked kinda sexy wearing her dad’s hat, why she seems so enthusiastic about possibly being in the bottom three. Storm explained that she is a master thespian and is merely…ACTING! When Dave badgered Dilana, she said she feels like part of the Addams family, being a cross between Lurch and Cousin It, and will cry if Uncle Fester gets voted off the show. Magni then took Dave out back and beat him like a race horse’s hindquarters for him mocking Magni’s super model style. Apparently, Magni is a little sensitive about the way his charisma translates to the still shot.

Enough of that, let’s rock, Jason. This week’s Suave Porn hit of the week is entitled, It’s On, which is a song about serving soup to enlisted personnel. Suave Porn chooses you, Lukas. As the Lukas lead Suave Porn geared up, Storm fluffed the audience with her best cheerleader antics. She actually formed a five-tier pyramid all by herself! Go Team SUAVE PORN! Lukas was more aware of the audience tonight and I know why. He is too shy to look at Suave Porn while he sings. They were behind him on stage, so he dared not look back. His options were to sing to the audience or put a bag on his head. I was rooting for the bag, but he opted for the audience. I don’t know if this song is any good. I was too distracted by Lukas’s slathering of the lyrics. It’s not that I need to understand the lyrics to like a song. His lingual expressionism interferes with my neural entertainment receptors sometimes. Does Gibly know how to crank out a monster solo, or is that too eighties for their cutting edge sound?

Breaking News: Some weird shut-in guy from Seattle won the Windows Space Live page sweepstakes. He will attend the final taping of Rock Star:Suave Porn if they can lure him out of the house with free Star Trek toys, put him in a cage and ship him to LA.

Since Gibly has written so many hits in his career, he told those rockers who would live to see Rock Star tomorrow that he would be helping them write hits for Suave Porn as part of the next clinic. Probably the other way around.

Highlights from Toby’s encore: He ran up to sing to the cheap seats, which irritated the camera operators because there is no lighting up there for camera shots and they’ll probably get blamed for being crummy camera operators. Then Toby drowned in a quagmire of hired whores on his way back to the stage. He didn’t seem to mind.

There is a shortage of pickled herring in Iceland because they are all partying, according to Tlee, over the fact that Magni was the only rocker not to beach themselves on Danger Island. Dave joked that Brooke must have instructed everyone with hair to stand up, as Magni is the only bald rocker and was the only one left sitting when Brooke announced the voting trends that were the result of global vote pouring, which is a by-product of global warming where people are too hot to go outside so they stay by their computers and vote on line. Magni took off his shirt and showed the world his sweater-like matted back hair. Dave took back what he said and apologized.

Why don’t you go first, Ryan? He chose to blow our minds with Baba O’Riley by The Who. To train for this performance, Ryan bought Jill’s vocal instructional tape, Screaming Your Way Off A Show. He was so over the top on this song, I mistook him for a truck driving Sylvester Stallone challenging everyone in the audience to arm wrestle in order to impress his estranged son. To help his chances for survival, he tried to get the audience drunk by squirting them with champagne. This plan was foiled when the other rockers absconded the bottle and proceeded to party like muppets being operated by spastic chimps in the Al Roker den. The look on Suave Porn’s faces at this point was one of “I don’t think these people are taking this contest seriously.” His next ploy was to demand that everybody jump. He seemed adamant about it, so I, too, began to jump at home, which caused me to trip on the dog and crash my head into my glass coffee table. I felt so Magni-fied. Although he was redlining the entire song, providing nothing more dynamic than full throttle, he kept pushing the limit of the realm of ridiculous. With the dexterity of an old lady climbing a folding chair in order to swat a moth, Ryan mounted the speaker cabinets behind Sasha. There he stood anticipating the roar of the throng, as they would ravish their rock and roll crusader with unending adulation. That never happened, so he hopped down, nearly spraining a knee. To finish us off, thank Xe, Ryan wooed a “Woooooo!” reminiscent of Wil Ferrel encouraging all to streak. So, I did that, too, and tripped over my other dog.

Luckily for Storm, she got to follow Ryan’s debacle as she popped her bottom three cherry with Helter Skelter by The Beatles. According to Storm, this was the first ever punk song. I can’t argue with her since she would probably beat me up. Knowing that Ryan set the over singing bar at Everest heights, Storm felt she could afford to push the limits a little herself. She over sang, too. If Ryan’s excessiveness was on top of the Empire State Building, Storm was sitting comfortably on the thirtieth floor, in the lobby of that one company that sells industrial insulation. You know the office – the one with two rows of Zagnut bars in their vending machine. Who needs two rows of Zagnut bars? Also like Ryan, she commanded the audience to jump. I wasn’t falling for that this time (what pun?). Once she got everybody preoccupied with jumping, she snuck around, unnoticed, to the Suave Porn Perch to give them a complimentary lap dance, since they had a coupon. She was quickly scared off by Tlee’s immediate and monstrous rigid response to her comeliness. As a shout out of approval to the recent retro movement, Storm Nestea-plunged herself onto the audience, who was polite enough not to splash on her.

Toby didn’t fall for Brooke’s joke. Dilana tried not to fall for it, as she paused when Brooke said her name, but it was no joke. Get your miniature South African ass on the stage and take what’s coming to you. What was coming to us was a strange and disturbing version of Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads. Dilana declared that this song would be her redemption (for all the bad press she created), and she dedicated the song to herself, because she didn’t want to insult any more people. She began with an a cappella intro because the band thought they were still at the commercial break. Once they kicked in, Dilana strapped on a Tigger tail and bounced about the stage. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing (this is fine literature here, folks) boing boing boing boing boing. After the first two elimination performances tonight, I thought Dilana’s would be a steak in the maniacal land of tofu. Nope. Just more tofu, and weirder tofu, at that. She sounded like a castrated Rockwell (I hate myself for having this reference in my brain) during the verses. Suave Porn looked confused, as they should have been. Dilana spent much of the time, ala Lukas, singing to the house band. It was so bad, I was almost hoping Sylvester Stallone would come back on stage for some more arm wrestling. I think she was up to something. Here’s my conspiracy theory. She’s already got the Suave Porn gig, but she doesn’t like the way she was dragged through the fishes when they portrayed her as a backstabbing, vindictive scrag. So, she discharged this deranged pageant of “what the f*ck” to throw a fork into their garbage disposal. This was the redemption of which she spoke. After her performance, Dilana collapsed to the stage. Storm picked her up and carried her to the front of the stage, just like Gerrit Graham’s character, Jeff, carried his dog in the movie Used Cars when the dog faked dead to trick the prospective car buyer into believing he had killed the dog so he would feel shame and buy the car (I like that this reference is in my brain, but it probably doesn’t fit too well in this paragraph, but I don’t feel like erasing it and coming up with something less obscure and more relevant).

Gibly tells us that Ryan has been on quite an adventure and has come so far and was great tonight (WHAT???), but questions if he is right for Suave Porn. Storm has been solid, but has not shown much growth (she didn’t need much growth, she’s seven feet tall, dude), but he liked the way she had the mic sticking out of her pants. Dilana’s performance was out of left field (from a baseball field on Saturn) and she seem lost (since she was coming from Saturn), but she has built up enough credit with the band, so far. Without further adieu, bring out the Tommyhawk.

Tlee saved us from slowly peeling the bottom three to expose the worst one, who happened to be Ryan, so good riddance to him. Suave Porn was proud of him for coming the farthest out of all the rockers, but I don’t think he has. He changed things up from week to week, for sure. It wasn’t a matter of him opening new doors within himself and showing his diverse talent. He was merely throwing sausages at the window to see what slipped to the floor for the rats to eat. It was as if he was at the haberdashery trying on hats for Suave Porn asking, “How’s this one look? How about this one? Do you think this one has too many feathers? How about this bonnet – too frilly? What if I wore it backward and tilted to the side?” Ultimately, he ended up where Jill was, screaming to feign intensity. And she was Tleehawked about three years ago. Ryan vowed to see Suave Porn on the record charts as a solo artist. That’s plain silly – Suave Porn won’t be on the charts, Ryan.

Good news. They plan to bring back one of the loser rockers, as voted upon by we the people, in order to form a more perfect Suave Porn, establish rockers, insure domestic mansioninity, provide for the vocal performance, promote the general applause, and secure the blessings of Dave to ourselves and our rockability, do ordain and establish this Suave Porn for the United States of the World, to perform an encore on the last show. This is a set up for my other conspiracy theory (are you listening, Mr. Navarro), where, in a surprise twist, Suave Porn will choose none of the remaining rockers, and will declare Matt the winner, who coincidentally would have won the return to the show vote, and they will deem themselves The New Duran Duran. But John Entwistle will return from the grave to tell them that their plan will go over like a bag of assholes, which will inspire them to change the name of the band to A Bag of Assholes. They will take over the world of rock.

Rock Star - Aug 29 - Moist Rubson

I was busy being a parent tonight. I attended parent orientation at my son's high school, where I visited each of his classes according to his schedule. Luckily, each class session was only twelve minutes long, so I was able to stay awake for about two thirds of each, on average.

Here is a rundown of what I learned. His Music Theory teacher is laid back. He reminds me of a the music major that used to live in Leper House with us, Jud the Pud. Although, you can tell he's a little more partial to the "band kids", probably due to familiarity, than he is to the "garage band kids" in the class. My son would fall in the latter category. His Gym teacher is Vin Deisel from The Pacifier. He told us it's always his way - no highway option. Then a duck bit him in the ear. His Algebra teacher was sick so I hung out in the bathroom and smoked during that session. I thought about going to visit my son's guidance counselor during that time, but since I never met mine in high school, I'm not sure what they look like. The World History teacher had a hot body. You can tell she works out. I think she is a lesbian, because when I asked her out, she said, "I'm a lesbian." Next was his lunch period. Since all of the booster club cookies were gone, I spent those twelve minutes looking for books about Chester Arthur in the Media Center. I found some and smuggled them out in my pants. That's how Chester used to carry his books to school. His English teacher looks like Harpo Marx. I told my son that, to which he replied, "Who?" I said, "Your English teacher." Looks like I'm going to have to read Romeo and Juliet this year so I can help the son. There is no way in hell he's gonna understand it. Time to teach him about the wonderment of Cliff's Notes. Finally, I met his Physical Science teacher. She's a young one, and an alumna of the school, although she said she was an "alumni". I asked her if she had a mouse in her pocket. I told her I was also an alumnus, and she suggested that I was there way before she was. I thought that was rude. So I dragged her down the hall by her ear and showed her my name on the 1983 National Honor Society plaque in the hallway, and said, "don't mess with me, this proves that they thought I was smart." However, since she is kinda good looking, I asked her out, too. Also a lesbian. Imagine that.

Since I spent the evening campaiging for yet another Father of the Year award, I was unable to watch tonight's performance show. To cover for me, I instructed my son to blow off his homework, watch the show and blog like the wind. He is a good boy and did as daddy instructed. Below are his thoughts.

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I wish I had Tommy Lee’s hat. It’s a good a rock n roll style hat. Dilana was not a very nice person this week. If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all. She said things that are wrong about everybody and thinking she is the best, and there is nothing wrong with her. She also should watch where she breaks things. She could have gotten Magni in the eye. Dilana doesn’t have to flip the camera off, either. That was very disrespectful to the fans. Everybody should get away from the drama and just sing, which is what they are supposed to do.

I am surprised Lukas didn’t bump into to anything with his eyes closed all the time. He did well except I would work on his yells and make them heavier. I thought Magni did great with I Alone. The way his yells went great with the song. Whenever he would scream his vein on his head looked like it would pop. Rafael, the guitar player, is awesome. When Tommy Lee said he wanted to see Magni go in the back of the crowd and Magni said he was going to but he didn’t, I’m pretty sure he was lying.

Ryan said that he could feel that he is going to win it. I feel that his feeling is wrong. I liked how Ryan made that slide on top of the piano. I am also going to agree with Gilby when he said to Ryan that he is changing all the time.

Storm say’d that she is much different from Zayra and Jill when singing Bring Me to Life. Of course she is because she is way better than both of them. There is not much to say but she was good.

It was cool how Toby brought the fans up on stage. It is good to get in touch with people. He did an outstanding performance. Dilana is very popular to a lot of people, but for some reason she is not a favorite of mine. She is still pretty good, though. I like her hair. I think it’s cool looking. At the end when she said that was a good song to get the anger out of her, I think that’s crap. You don’t need a song to let anger out. Just beat on something until you get tired. Or, just move on with life.

Rock Star - Aug 23 Moist Rub

Brooke instructed the remaining seven rockers to line up against the wall with their hands by their sides. Mr. Cluck, can you identify the person who abducted your doggie, Chomper? His name is Chopper, Brooke. What’s the difference, Dilana killed him because she’s honest.

Tlee let us know that they would be treating us to another kick ass Suave Porn song. Another kick ass one? I must have missed the first one. One of the maniacs would be singing with them. But he would not disclose which maniac. The suspense builds.

Tonight’s themes was “How much of a bitch is Dilana?” A pretty big one, I gather. As Marty said last year (as did I, before he said it, but nobody gives a crap about me, because what I do for a living isn’t very entertaining, even though some people like to stare at me while I sit at my desk pretending to type stuff, and sometimes I shake things up by answering the phone, but usually I’ll let it go to voice mail unless I’m sure it’s a personal call), the drama on this show should be kept to the stage. Tonight, it wasn’t. So, we had to sit through Dilana baggin’ on all of her housemates, via the confessional camera and ill-advised remarks she made to the press, who were obviously there for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble, but she was too obtuse to realize that. Although, she did not assault Storm, who, wearing a modernized Wonder Woman outfit tonight, would crush her into Dilana dust in a second. This dribble was merely a marketing ploy to make their imbedded advertisement for live.window.voyeur.spaces seem interesting. And it worked. I started a page for Gibly’s dog, Muncher. I used all of Sid’s posts from this blog for content. I think I’m gonna win the contest. Dave reminded us that the Internet is a major part of music today because it allows you to establish instant relationships with the fans and it also allows you to instantly get the fans’ money. Dilana, who came to the show directly from the Who-ville beauty parlor, apologized for being a back stabbing shrew. The other rockers diplomatically accepted the apology, but we all still think she’s a bitch. Jason warned everybody to become pachyderms.

We watched as the seven deadly rockers took a crack at the new Suave Porn song, Be Yourself and Five Other Clichés, down at the old Pulse studio. This week’s montage was not as streamlined as last week’s, so they decided to disband Suave Porn for Africa. Patrice told us that they all have different approaches, and that she likes to approach both men and women, and sometimes plants. According to Ryan, you’re either in or you’re not roit. Mind boggling insight. Magni determined there was no room for error in singing the Suave Porn song. One false move and it could suck. Or it could suck if sung perfectly, too. You just never know, so they gave the song to Toby.

The song is a mix between Queens of the Stone Age and Louis XIV (specifically Pledge of Allegiance). I have no idea if that is a good thing or not. I just don’t know. But I do know this. Toby sounds better when he sticks to the lower end of the scale. When he climbs too high, his voice enters the Alvin and the Chipmunkosphere. I found myself tediously enduring the verses to get the chorus during this performance, and then wondering why I was waiting for the chorus when I got there. Similar to waiting for a bus that is not heading in the direction you expect to go. Again, they “videoed up” the performance. These unsigned rockers have to show their worth in front of the naked camera each week, why can’t Suave Porn? What are they trying to hide? Are they not good enough? Do they need these production crutches because they don't trust the quality of their art? I’m guessing it was lip synched again, but I couldn’t tell as much as with the Dilana lead.

So, sha-la-la-la-la-la my lady, in the sun with your dress undone. Now, ev'ry mile away and ev'ry day cuts a little deeper. I'll remember the nights in the cool sand making love out on Danger Island. Except these folks weren’t making love. Some of them were making poopy pants fearing to be marooned on Danger Island. Magni was the only rocker relegated there other than the Bird Ass Beans, Patrice, Storm and Toby. Now listen everybody, this is very important. Brooke tells us that the voting was incredibly close, and only a handful of votes made the difference. You all know what that means, don’t you? That means that your votes DO make a difference, so vote, vote, vote and vote some more. It makes a difference to certain sponsors who have their advertising rate, at least partially, determined by the amount of voting activity each week. I cannot stress enough the ardent gravity of this situation. These rich people that are counting on making more money off your votes need to be richer. Do not let them down.

Magni was the first thrown into the fire. To taunt his detractors, he chose to burn Fire by Jimi Hendrix. He whined to Brooke that he doesn’t like going first, and Brooke told him to shut the hell up, baldy ass. I guess the hormones are flaring a little. Magni didn’t look comfortable up there. His performance was choppy and he never found the groove. He and Rafael danced a couple of solos together, but I’m not sure if Magni’s guitar was plugged in. Maybe I should have had the sound up on my television. I turned it down so I could hear the White Sox game on the radio. The biggest question of the night was left unanswered, or it was answered but I didn’t see what happened. Would Magni destroy his guitar? Did he choose a Jimi song to entice him to set his guitar on fire? At the end of the song, Magni sacrificially raised his guitar to the audience, and it looked like he was going to perform some act of defilation, but the next thing I saw was him walking on stage without the guitar. What happened to the guitar? Was what he did so vile they had to censor it? Yes, it was. Apparently he took the guitar, coated it with margarine, started spinning it on his finger like a basketball and then ***** *** ******** ***** ********* * ***** ***** without falling down and then ** ******* ****** *** ** ****** **** *** ******** until it erupted and she smeared ***** ********* ** **** between ******* ***** *** ** ** ** ******** ** before Dave even knew whose sock he was wearing on his elbow. Evidently, Magni’s actions were too vile for this blog, too. The audience and Suave Porn seemed to like the Magni Experience, but I thought it lacked substance. Tlee thinks I’m ridiculous.

Patrice, time for you to go. On to the stage, I mean. Patrice told Gibly that she arranged Middle of the Road by The Pretenders especially for him. Or maybe she meant all of them. It sounded like she made a valiant attempt to dirty the song up. In doing so, she lost the edge of a maturing punk transitioning to the more mellow and realistic and aware realm, yet maintaining a derisive and scandalous attitude, so effectively portrayed by Chrissie Hynde. It was not enough to save her. To make matters worse, Patrice’s herpes was acting up as evidenced by the canker unearthing itself through her lipstick. Tlee must have gotten to her, which is the death knell in these here mansion parts. Nobody survives after the Tlee pool table treatment. Magni was nice enough to point out the blemish to her when she was done, “Oh, I meant to tell you earlier, Patrice, but you have a giant volcano growing on your upper lip.”

Toby, it’s you. Storm SHOCKED! Film at eleven. Suave Porn was shocked, too. They would have never asked him to sing their new romp if they had known the voters hate him. They proceeded to hire a new marketing director. Toby declared that he will never again take off his top. It’s gonna get pretty stinky, Toby. You may want to reconsider that vow. Toby went with Plush by Stone Temple Pilots because we haven’t heard enough of this song on this show yet. He sang it very well. He needs some help in the stage presence department. All he has to offer is some pogo mixed with the neo-rapper schlep. Toby added a drum interlude into the arrangement. Either that or the rest of the House Band forgot that part of the song. I think Toby will eventually break some of his fingers with the way he tangles the mic in his hand. I hope Suave Porn has a good medical insurance plan. Dilana's going to need it.

Gibly, please tell us how they all did. He was happy that Patrice was able to showcase her original song yesterday because it’s going to be the last time anybody ever hears it. However, he’s worried that she keeps volunteering for the bottom three. Magni’s presence in the bottom three for two weeks in a row troubles Gibly. He won’t be able to sleep this week. Gibly feels comforted by Magni’s killer version of Fire, and he hopes to weave a blanket out of it to help him sleep. Toby is insane, so he gets to sit down and think about what he’s done.

Bring out the Tommyhawk. BAM! There goes Patrice. Tlee couldn’t even look her in the eye when he did it. They must have gotten into some freaky stuff on that pool table. Of course, Patrice was grateful to Suave Porn for the opportunity they afforded her. Most people are surprised she lasted as long as she did. Not me, because I love her. But, I am giving her up. It’s not because she is bi-sexual and that I mind sharing her with a woman. Actually, that seems like something I could get into, and it would take some of the stress off of me trying to maintain the relationship. But, I’m guessing they would eventually team up against me and I would lose every house vote. I would end up having to clean the bathroom all of the time and I would never get the end piece of the meatloaf.

Rock Star - Aug 22 Moist Rub

My love life is in shambles. First, Brooke has some enormothrogs beat the crap out of me last year so she can feel free to get impregnated by weird guys in the street. Now, Patrice feigns being a lesbian in an effort to get rid of me. Well, it’s not going to work Patrice. It didn’t work for Ellen Degeneris and it’s not going to work for you, either. As Storm so crungingly sang last week, “I will survive.”

Brooke opened this week’s performance episode by sharing some time with the fabulous men of Suave Porn. She had just come back from her bowling night, as she forgot to remove her bowling wrist guard. Her average is finally over two hundred. Good for you, Brooke. Who could tell what she and the others had to say about tonight’s show? We were all distracted by their good looks and star power. Who really cares what the show is about, anyway? We Americans are content to look at beautiful people on the television, no matter how bombastic they behave. It’s same reason I go to my local Wal-Mart.

Speaking of behaving bombastically, let’s take a look at how our gentle rockers reacted to the happenings of the past week. There was some faux fighting in that durned mansion. Seems as if most of the rockers wanted to do their own original songs. Pray, there are only two to be had. Storm threatened to kick everybody’s ass. All cowered to her Amazonness, but not enough to give her an original. In addition to being part Amazon, Storm is also a little French, so she gave in. You know, Amazon’s would cut off one breast so it would not interfere with their archery efforts. Interesting. Magni declared, since he is king of Iceland (as far as the other rockers know), that Patrice has earned the right to go original, since she’s been in the bottom three so much, Suave Porn already thinks she’s off the show. Everyone all-in-favored-said-aye. Then, by some similar reasoning, of which only rock stars hopped up on narcissism could understand, they gave the other original to Ryan. I think it was because of the hood that he had surgically implanted onto his head, so they all thought he was the evil emperor from Star Wars and they didn’t want to feel his force rubbing on them.

Back at the CBS studios, where Bob Barker was peeking inside to see what all the commotion was about, only to find that Gibly had brought his dog, Chopper, to the show, which caused Bob Barker to report him to human resources because bringing pets to work is a violation of Code 47, section A, part 5 in the CBS employee handbook, and if Bob can’t have his red Swingline stapler, Gibly shouldn’t be able to bring his dog to work, and the ratio of people to cake is too big. I heard there was a run on sentences at the language store. Bob caused quite a disturbance with his whining. Eventually, they gave him a desk in the basement behind some boxes and took him off the payroll. By then, there was no time to interview the rockers about the song selection, so they jumped right into the performances.

Patrice – Beautiful Thing by Patrice Pike. I want a black Gibson SG, too. Patrice did her best Nina Gordon impression to fricassee her original recipe for Suave Porn. She added some Jodie Foster lisp as a garnish. The song was perky, and peppy and bursting with happy. Tlee found that to be disconcerting, but assured her that Suave Porn could make it work (if she were to make it past tomorrow). (Which, she won’t.) I can’t believe she made up that stuff about her diggin’ chicks just to get rid of me. Am I that horrible? Yes, I guess I am. Still, I thought she looked cute tonight. Maybe she could teach me to play guitar someday. You know, sometimes I imagine that she and I are walking in the park, and a squirrel runs up and nibbles the toe of my shoe, and I get a quizzical look on my face, and Patrice looks me in the eyes and says, “he must think you’re some kind of nut”, and then we laugh and we laugh, and in the background Herman’s Hermits music starts playing. Then she seizes my hand and bears down on me saying, “You know, I could teach you to be the man you never should be.” She finished by thanking Suave Porn for the chance to demonstrate her sound to a worldwide audience and then asked if they’ll mail her final check or can she pick it up at the front desk.

Magni – Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Magni added the Fonz’s leather jacket to his Princess Leia knit cap ensemble. It was quite eclectic. He must be from Europe. Magni still doesn’t have much stage presence, other than what his voice affords him, which is substantial but not comprehensive. Other than the Hey-I’m-singing-to-you-right-there-in-the-audience lunge, he pretty much just stands there. Dave thought he was awesome, because he knows how to effectively dole out the angst (unlike Ryan who drops angst around like refuse falling off an uncovered garbage truck with blown shocks driving on pot-hole ridden road). Jason enjoyed Magni’s energy that radiated all the way back to the Suave Porn perch. So, that’s where it went. Tlee admonished him for not hiding behind his guitar, which he should have worn and then smashed. Magni promised to do that next time. We’ve all heard that before, right fellas? Dave wants to see something eventually get broken on stage, other than Brooke’s water, which is why they’re ending the show on September 13th this year.

Ryan – Back of Your Car by Ryan Star. He wrote this song about JD living in his car prior to last year’s Rock Star, hoping to channel his wizardry of deception. The intro to this song sounded vaguely familiar. It sounded like some other song by a real rock and roll band. Let me think about this. Oh yes, now I remember. Yes, it kind of sounded like Hold On by the much beloved Lovehammers. Don’t worry, Marty. I have my bloated attorney drawing up the lawsuit right now. Luckily for Ryan (legally speaking, not creatively), the rest of the song did not sound like the Lovehammers – it sounded like Bush. Not to worry, Ryan. Old Gavin has plenty of cash now that he married whatserface from No Doubt. Man, why can’t I find me a rich chick with very low standards? Taking the advice of Tlee, sort of, Ryan launched his new Les Paul, very gently, and horizontally, so as not to damage the neck, to the side of the stage into a pile of minced Nerf footballs that just happened to be there to cushion the landing. Anything for rock and roll, except destroying free stuff. I’ll admit that the song was not bad. But Ryan did have a red tongue from sucking on a cherry Popsicle right before going on. So there. Feeling that Ryan has transformed himself into something unexpected, Dave decided to call him Ryan the Dark Horse Nebula, which lies in the southern constellation Ophiuchus (The Serpent Bearer), whose rear is also know as the Pipe Nebula. Dave is quite an amateur astronomer.

Storm – Cryin’ by Aerosmith. Storm, the singer capable of singing any song ever written, was not disproved tonight. After a benign beginning, as she seduced the microphone stand, Storm found the better level to be inside this song. Using deep knee bends and psycho eyes, she managed to stay there for most of the song. Dave admitted that this was a difficult song to sing, which, for him, they all are, which is why he plays guitar. Tlee thought the song was cool but requested Storm to wear less clothing. Big shocker. Gibly stated that she handles challenges well and suggested she try out for Fear Factor. However, when Storm re-introduced Brooke after her Suave Porn interrogation, we found out what the real future holds for Storm. She out Brooked Brooke and will host next year’s Rock Star: Buster Poindexter. Honestly, I think she would host this show better than the incomparable Brooke Burke. Storm is much more animated and thespianish.

Dilana – Every Breath You Take by The Pigs. Although the guitar effect made it sound a little Pretenders. Not a bad thing. Dilana instructed everyone in the audience to breathe as she started the song. This was not a problem for most people, but it ruined David Blain’s Rock Star: Drowned Alive stunt. He was rushed to the hospital with his lungs full of water. Before the show, Dilana was doing a little gardening and a couple of dragonflies got stuck to her eyelashes. Being the consummate professional that she is, she chose to accessorize herself around the dragonflies. Lovely. Until the dragonflies began mating halfway through her performance, which got a little disgusting. We were treated with some tender Dilana tonight, as she sang to her mother, who she has not spoken to in many years. Her mother disapproves of running by the pool, naked or not. Suave Porn didn’t seem to mind this, even though they crucified Magni for singing to only one person a few weeks ago. When confronted, Suave Porn admitted that they would have said something to her about it if she hadn’t already signed the contract to be their lead singer.

Toby – Layla by Derek and the Dominos. What’s with all the hoods? No more hoods and I mean it. Anybody want a peanut? Toby added a different kind of desperation to the beginning of this song. As the signature riff kicked in, he merged it with the classic desperation. I liked it. His manipulation suited him, and it successfully modernized the song with out blaspheming it. In a similar manner that Ryan took Tlee’s advice to Magni, Toby took Tlee’s advice to Storm and disrobed to expose his naked torso. Tlee was happy enough to see any kind of skin. Toby had written EVS on his chest, which, as we later learned, is an Australian saying short for whatever. As in, I don’t give a shit anymore about you dumbass Suave Porns. Naked as a half a jaybird, Toby rocked himself to the Al Roker den to be Pipped by the rest of the rockers. Then, he made his way back to the stage to pogo out the rest of the song. The pogo hasn’t contaminated this year’s show like it did last year, so Toby’s pogo was bearable. Dave declared Toby to be the Thunder from Down Under, which is an all male dance revue featuring sweaty Australian guys shaking their scantily clad bodies at drunk women in Vegas. Good call, Dave. Tlee, again with the “Elo, Mate”, spoke for the ladies when he said, “I have a rash”. Gibly didn’t care for Toby’s arrangement, but liked his performance. If you don’t have anything nice to say, Gibly, don’t say anything at all. Oh, I guess you did say something nice. Nevermind.

Lukas – All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers. Lukas used his non-gritty, soothing throat voice at the beginning of this song, which is good for my nerves because whenever he starts singing in the constricted throat voice I think, “Oh no, Jason’s going to yell at us again!!!” Lukas eventually got to the constriction, but it wasn’t overbearing, so Jason left him alone. He wore sunglasses for a while until he had a conniption causing his body to convulse, which knocked the glasses to the floor. This is the technique I use to remove my sunglasses while driving, because it is unsafe not to keep two hands on the wheel at all times. Lukas teased the audience again by directing half of his attention to the band. Gibly roasted him for this. Lukas explained that it leaves the audience wanting more. Dave thought Lukas was unbelievable. I’m not sure if he was talking about Lukas’ performance or that inane comment about leaving the audience wanting more. Tlee merely said, “Check, please”, which caused my son to call me asking what the hell he meant by that. If my son had understood Tlee, I would have sent him to Betty Ford immediately. Jason thought Lukas had good energy, and, like I said, he didn’t bitch about Lukas’ throat constricting. It’s getting a little old, Jason.

The Bird Ass Beans were Patrice, Toby and Storm. This game is no fun with so few contestants left. It will probably remain this way since these three seem to have the smallest fan bases, unless Magni fans fall asleep again. As much as I like Patrice, I can’t see her surviving another week. Ryan still bugs me. They should let you vote against people on this show, too. No fair.