Mars Day 2008

Well, I've been sitting out here for a few hours in Death Valley licking rocks, trying to raise awareness of the frailty of the environment on Mars. As I've previously stated, we humans have already begun littering that planet with robots. We need a Mars Day and today is the day. I'm here all by myself. Nobody else has shown up. A couple of chuckwallas stopped by and licked some rocks with me, but I have a feeling they were going to do that anyway. Power to the CHUCKWALLAS!

Am I the only one who cares? Where are we supposed to live after we destroy this planet? Certainly not Venus. That planet is a stinky ass pit. Mars is our only hope. But it won't be around if we continue to destroy its environment. The madness must be stopped!!!

Thanks a lot everybody. THANKS A FRICKEN' LOT!

This is the last time I try to throw a planet saving movement. Every human for xeself from now on. That's what I say. Screw all y'all. Good riddance when this planet starts pissing on itself. I'm gonna start building a rocket and collecting canned meat.

And I'm not going to Earth Day anymore, either!

Earth Day Hangover

I’m not feeling very good today. I think I overdid it yesterday for Earth Day. It was all worth it - anything to save the planet. I must have eaten at least twenty-six pounds of soy-based food-shaped consumables. The air is much cleaner due to my homemade filters constructed out of vodka soaked paper towels stretched across fly swatters arranged in pinwheels. My throat is a little sore from having individual discussions with thirty-seven polluting industrialists. I don’t think it’ll make them change their ways, but, I promise you, I took them down a few notches on the self-esteem pole. The next time one of them dumps tons of ethylprocalinebicarbulousness into one of our rivers, he’s not going to be very happy with himself. This should be our last Earth Day because I think we got everything covered with yesterday’s effort.

But, it may be too late for Mars. We’ve already begun polluting that world with cute little information gathering robot ATV’s. What will be next – more robots? Most people don’t know this, but the first recorded offense of pollution here on Earth was back in 12,398 BC when Grobak, aka the Einstein caveman, invented a fleet of robots out of flint, tree sap and a crashed flying saucer. One of the robots ended up killing him. Since none of the other cavepeople had the intellectual capacity to operate the robots or to power them, they threw them out their windows to the side of the road, after banging them on their sides with their clubs a few times in an effort to try to get them to work. This made one of the Native American cavemen cry. Before you knew it you couldn’t walk down a street in Los Angeles without coughing up a lung. Luckily, nobody walks in LA. But, it can happen THAT quickly. Mars does not have the luxury of time. There are no environmentalists up there to slow its death. We must act now.

Please join me on July 23rd for the inaugural Mars Day Celebration to begin spreading awareness about Mars’ impending doom. We will meet in Death Valley at high noon and begin licking rocks to simulate the unnatural erosion of the Mars environment by the hand of our technology. I think one of those roving robots has already left an oil stain on a Martian driveway. Where will it end? In an arid wasteland, if you do not help us.

Leper Pop Earth Day Special Report

This is Bob Polar Bear reporting from somewhere in the Arctic. I can’t tell you exactly where because I’m a polar bear, and frankly, we’re not too good with maps. While many concerned citizens are attending rallies and other events to raise awareness of Earth’s fragile environment, I stand before you all too aware. Do you know why I’m aware? Because my home is melting into the ocean and doesn’t seem to be coming back, that’s why. That’s not the sort of thing you miss because you were distracted by Dr. McDreamy on the television. See that stretch of ocean out there? No, not there, over there, about a mile out underneath that cloud that looks like an injured seal (they all look like injured seals to me). THAT used to be my living room.

Now, I can’t prove anything, but I’m pretty sure you humans had something to do with it, which is part of the reason all y’all are having these Earth Day festivities. Sure, the sentiment of Earth Day is nice and I appreciate it, but I don’t know how long I can wait for something to be done. A bunch of hippies sitting around feeling bad does not seem to help with the…shit, there goes my KITCHEN! Right into the ocean. How would you like it if I came over to your house and ripped out your breakfast nook? And then the next year I tore out your gun room? Huh? How’d you like that?

As I said, something has to be done. Luckily, I have an idea. Did you know humans add eighty-five trillion tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere just by breathing? It’s true. Look it up. You could easily cut that in half – just breathe less. Hold it in every other breath. Pretend you’re smoking pot. You’re the ones with the gigantic brains. Figure out a way to genetically engineer yourselves to breathe less. I’d do it but I didn’t get a big brain. You know what I got? Big paws and a big snout. And, unlike you, I use my gifts. I whap things and smell stuff all the time. Although, there is not much to smell out here on an ice sheet. Most of the stuff I smell is far away, and by the time I get there, whatever it was, what I planned on eating, salivating all the way, has fallen into the ocean because the ice sheet melted, and the Orcas ate it. Those damn Orcas. They’re loving every bit of this global warming stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were in on it with you. They’re pretty smart, too. They’re lucky they never come up out of the water onto the ice sheet. I’d whap their ass with my big paws. I could take an Orca.

Mrs. Bob Polar Bear: Oh no you couldn’t, Bob.

Shut up, Gladys, I’m trying to give a Special Report. I could TOO take an Orca.

Gladys: No, you couldn’t. Quit being an ass.

Well, maybe not, but I can whip a narwhal. When one of them sticks his big nose out of the water, I’d grab it, pull him up on the ice and go all Bam-Bam on his ass. Bam-BAM! Bam-BAM! Bam-BAM! That’s one thing I have to hand it to you humans for. I sure love those Flintstones cartoons. Good old Fred and Barney. Never understood the Great Gazoo thing, though. Where’d that come from? You know what else I like that you humans did? I like those big blue plastic air tight drums. My cousin Lester sent me one from the zoo. I had it in the water and was wrestlin’ with it, jumping on it, whappin’ it with my big paws (showin’ the Orca what he’d get if he ever comes up on shore). I was having the time of my life with that thing until that damn walrus poked a hole in it with his big ole walrus tooth. I should eat that walrus. The damn thing filled up with water and sank to the bottom of the ocean. If there are any humans reading this, please send me another one of those things. I’ll trade you a half a mangled seal for it.

OK, where was I? That’s right, you humans gotta start breathing less. You are adding too much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

Gladys: You know your breath puts carbon dioxide into the atmosphere,
too.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP, GLADYS! I am trying to make a point here. WE are not the problem. The humans have admitted it. Why else would they have an Earth Day? You don’t see us having an Earth Day, do you? They are destroying our home.

Gladys: How do you know that this global warning…

That’s global WARMING!

Gladys: Right, global warMing. How do you know it’s not due to the
Earth’s normal long term weather cycle?

Who would have thought that Las Vegas was a sick enough town to actually allow two polar bears to get married at a road side chapel and that it was LEGALLY binding? I’m never going there again. It has ruined my life. I tell you, I am ruing the day.

Gladys: It’s been no picnic for me either, Bob. All of my friends get to
have other males fight over them ending up with the best fit one each mating
season. You know, you’ve gotten a little pudgy since you stopped having to
fight for me. And I don’t mind saying it’s affected your performance in
the snow bank.

THAT’S ENOUGH, GLADYS!!! You know I’ve been worried about this global warming thing destroying our chances for survival.

Gladys: Why don’t you join the humans and go get a job in an office like
your brother Murray did?

Gladys, you know Murray has unusually elongated phalanges with little to no webbing on his front paws. He’s a dynamo on the computer keyboard. I could never survive in that environment and you know it! I think it makes you happy to see me fail.

Gladys: In case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t too happy about your failure
in the snow bank last night, Bob.

Sigh. I’m gonna go whap some baby seals.


For Leper Pop News, I’m Bob Polar Bear. Back to you, Sid and Moist.