I’m not feeling very good today. I think I overdid it yesterday for Earth Day. It was all worth it - anything to save the planet. I must have eaten at least twenty-six pounds of soy-based food-shaped consumables. The air is much cleaner due to my homemade filters constructed out of vodka soaked paper towels stretched across fly swatters arranged in pinwheels. My throat is a little sore from having individual discussions with thirty-seven polluting industrialists. I don’t think it’ll make them change their ways, but, I promise you, I took them down a few notches on the self-esteem pole. The next time one of them dumps tons of ethylprocalinebicarbulousness into one of our rivers, he’s not going to be very happy with himself. This should be our last Earth Day because I think we got everything covered with yesterday’s effort.
But, it may be too late for Mars. We’ve already begun polluting that world with cute little information gathering robot ATV’s. What will be next – more robots? Most people don’t know this, but the first recorded offense of pollution here on Earth was back in 12,398 BC when Grobak, aka the Einstein caveman, invented a fleet of robots out of flint, tree sap and a crashed flying saucer. One of the robots ended up killing him. Since none of the other cavepeople had the intellectual capacity to operate the robots or to power them, they threw them out their windows to the side of the road, after banging them on their sides with their clubs a few times in an effort to try to get them to work. This made one of the Native American cavemen cry. Before you knew it you couldn’t walk down a street in Los Angeles without coughing up a lung. Luckily, nobody walks in LA. But, it can happen THAT quickly. Mars does not have the luxury of time. There are no environmentalists up there to slow its death. We must act now.
Please join me on July 23rd for the inaugural Mars Day Celebration to begin spreading awareness about Mars’ impending doom. We will meet in Death Valley at high noon and begin licking rocks to simulate the unnatural erosion of the Mars environment by the hand of our technology. I think one of those roving robots has already left an oil stain on a Martian driveway. Where will it end? In an arid wasteland, if you do not help us.