Monday, April 14, 2008

Coffee Table Eviction Notice

I’ve been thinking about getting rid of the coffee table that is in my family room. It is too large for the area around my couch and comfy chair. It’s 38.62% too big. Yes, I did the math. I suppose I could move my couch back a little. But then how would I be able to change channels on the television with my feet? (I lost the remote control a few months ago.) Also, if I moved the couch back, I would have to turn the desk. If I turned the desk I would I have to move the poker table. If I moved the poker table, I’d have to move the bar. If I moved the bar, I’d run into it every time I came home drunk. Moving the bar would require construction. We’ll have none of that. Plus, if I moved the bar, I would have to put the trampoline on the ceiling. Trampolines aren’t as much fun when you jump up into them with your head and then crash to the ground. Maybe at first, but after a while, pain sets in, and then the bleeding. Once the trampoline is on the ceiling, it will get in the way of my archery lessons. I would have to find a new hobby. Rock tumbling, maybe? Naaaah.

It would be easier if I just got rid of the coffee table. I don’t put coffee on it. I don’t drink coffee. It tastes like dirt. My kids don’t drink coffee, either. To them, the table is a “I’m gonna put this crap here until Dad puts it away” table. Little do they know that to me, it’s a “After a few weeks of sitting there, I’m gonna throw that crap out” table. Dad, where are my Pokémon cards? (Are kids even still into Pokémon? I don’t even know. Even.) To the dogs, it’s a sanctuary hide out for when they indignify my carpet. They know my shin always hits the table before my foot can hit their ass when they're under there. I don’t allow people who drink coffee into my house. They are too sophisticated for me. Basically, the coffee table is a useless piece of luxury for me.

Yup, I’m going to toss it to the curb tonight. If anybody needs a coffee table, it’ll be out in front of my house. Better nab it before Barry comes around with his pick up truck. He usually gets here around 4 am on garbage days. I think I’ll replace the table with a garbage can. It’ll save me some time.



8 comments:

kristy said...

If Marty has ever even come close to that table you could sell it on eBay for $$.

keysunset said...

LOL! Good point, kristy!

MR, Whose mug is on that mug in the picture of your coffee table with mug? And how do you read the slogan? Those two minor points aside, that might be just about enough coffee to wake me up at o'dark thirty.

The garbage can idea in place of the coffee table is great! Then when the children walk by and drop something on the coffee table, since they are so used to that habit, they will just drop it directly into the can! You are a genius!

lim said...

I can't help but feel sorry for the dogs.

Moist Rub said...

It is read: I Frewbud Coffee

As we all know, Frewbud is synonymous with drudgery. In English this statement can be translated loosely to "Coffee is drudgery to me", although the actual meaning cannot be described in English, or in any language, but can be compared the idea that drinking coffee is like the feeling of going through life while dragging your face on the ground hoping to meet kismet in the form of a truck tire attached to a truck moving at 8 miles an hour for a nice, slow squishing.

westcost ray said...

Not even a delicious decaf, sugar free hazelnut, skinny, latte? You're missing out!

How about a coffee table with a garbage can built it? A swiveling flap that you can drop the garbage into?

ll said...

I'll take the trampoline!

ll said...

Wait. Could the trampoline come with that portrait of Frewbud on it? That way I would be stomping out drudgery every time I bounced upon it.

Gina said...

By the time I got there, Barry had already gotten the coffee table. But I was able to steal a toilet seat from the back of his pick up truck.