Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Terminal Toothache

Dear Del Pharmaceuticals Inc,

RE: Orajel

My throat is numb. My cheeks are numb. My tongue is numb. My lips are numb. My face is numb. My hair is numb. Even the nape of my creamy, milky-white neck is numb. Do you know what is not numb? My toothache, that's what.

Luckily, my dentist gave me some vicodin. If she didn't, I would have been tempted to drink the other half of the bottle of Orajel I bought. You owe me five bucks. Consider this blog a legally binding agreement.

Benzocaine, my ass.

I will be dead soon,

Moist Rub

Note to you college kids out there: Sometimes it's fun to have a few beers and then douse your entire mouth with Orajel before you head out to a party or the bars. Talk about being a blathering idiot! Also, try using Orajel when you make out (do kids still make out these days, or do they go straight to the oral and anal sex?). It makes it feel like you're smashin' face with a dead person. Rad.


lim said...

Finally, someone with enough courage to speak out and expose Orajel for what it really is.

On behalf of all victims of Orajel and its false promises, I thank you.

HR said...

Lost the bottle opener again and have been prying beer bottles open with your teeth, eh?

ll said...

Yeah, right. Like you made out with someone.

gina said...

You forgot to mention that your brain is numb, too.