Tuesday, April 08, 2008

How To Make Money And Influence Friends

I saw a story somewhere, here it is, about robots starting to take over jobs. But a frumpy robot like Rosie from the Jetsons isn’t going to fly in the business world, so judging from the picture accompanying the story we’re going to make them in the image of Real Dolls, and they will be able to afford better clothes than you and their hair will always be perfect. Not too far off from your current receptionist, except you won’t have to hear stories about her drunken weekend or her asshole boyfriend. But I digress. This presents the perfect opportunity to get rich.

So you’re probably figuring that I’m going to start a business making and selling robot workers. Then you don’t know me that well. That’s far too much work and I already got kicked out of engineering school so I doubt my chances of building a robot receptionist are any better than my chances of nailing one.

But I’m guessing that a good robot receptionist will be built to last you a good 12 to 15 years with proper lubrication, some software updates, and a virus protection system. That’s about 11-1/2 to 14-1/2 more years than your average receptionist, and her virus protection probably isn’t nearly as effective. But the important thing here is that your robot receptionist will require wardrobe and hair style updates or else your organization will lose all credibility and be made fun of by all the places with the latest in robot receptionists. And you can’t have that.

So you’re probably figuring that I’m going to start a business dressing and styling robot receptionists. Then you don’t know me that well. I can barely match my left shoe to my right shoe, and after years of trying to get my hair to look like Donny Osmond’s I finally gave up and just run the #2 clippers over my head every few weeks.

But I’m sure there are a bunch of people that would think such a job is glamorous and low-stress. I'm talking about dressing and styling robot receptionists, not giving me haircuts. Those can be very stressful since I can't sit still for more than five minutes without the aid of narcotics and barbers just don't give that stuff out like they used to. But back to the robots. Or more precisely, how to profit from the robot receptionist trend that will be taking over the world.

First I get Yahoo to do one of those infomercial headline articles at the top of their homepage about Jobs Of The Future – Preparing For Career Stability In The 21st Century. Click on the link and number one on the list is Robot Hairdresser, with text plagiarized from the aforementioned article along with an air of excitement selling this career as glamorous, low-stress and in demand. And just think, if you do 25 robot hair styles a day at $50 per robot head that’s about $250,000 a year! Great! But how do I get started????

Click the link at the bottom of the story, silly. It’s for Sid’s School of Robot Hair Design. I think the Mrs. has some old training materials she used when she taught that I can PDF into a nice correspondence course. Stick some of those Barbie Totally Hair Styling Heads in the mail to supplement the materials, and then sit back and collect the tuition.

Of course, you’ll want to sign up for my ongoing support for a small, recurring fee, which will get you update manuals featuring all the latest hairstyles that you will want to use on your robot heads to keep your clients happy. I figure I can cut those out of People or US Magazine or one of those rags that the chicks on the train are always reading.

After the Yahoo launch, I might have to branch into some late night infomercials filmed on a faux talk show set with my own hot and hip looking robot co-host. It’s going to be huge.

You’re probably wishing you could be a part of it. Well… I suppose… just send me a large check and I’ll cut you in on the deal. I might even let you be in the informercial. How cool would that be! You could invite all your friends over for a 2:30 a.m. infomercial viewing party with White Castles and RC Colas. Not only that – after seeing the informercial, they’ll probably want to enroll in the program! Win – win!

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by! Act now!

1 comment:

Gina said...

What about the robot fingernails? Can you teach me how to do those, too?