The Most Interesting Dick

I’ll admit it. I’m a pretty boring person. I’ve never freed a bear from a bear trap. I’ve never bench pressed East Asian hookers dressed as nurses sitting on chairs. I’ve never arm wrestled anybody in a demonstration of my might to negotiate international peace treaties. I spend my time doing regular things like going to the store, sleeping in parks and arguing with insurance agents. And I’ve never been to Monaco.

I suppose I could be more interesting, but I didn’t know how.

Which is why I was excited to see the Dos Equis television commercials featuring the most interesting man in the world. That dude is FABULOUS! As it turns out, he HAS freed a bear from a bear trap. He HAS bench pressed East Asian hookers dressed as nurses sitting on chairs. He HAS arm wrestled somebody in demonstration of his might to negotiate international peace treaties. And I think he owns a time share in Monaco. He’s done everything I’ve never done and always wanted to do. I decided that I needed to become him.

My first step, obviously, was to start drinking Dos Equis immediately. He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Dos Equis. I could do that. That’s EASY! I was about to pen a letter to Dos Equis management to find out if the most interesting man in the world had a Most Interesting Man in the World Mentoring Program. But then, at the end of the commercial, the most interesting man in the world told us to “Stay thirsty, my friends.”

What the hell does that mean? It destroyed my entire plan. The keystone of my strategy was to start drinking Dos Equis. How was I supposed to do that if I’m also supposed to stay thirsty? I can’t do both. Did he want me to poke a hole in my throat so I could drink Dos Equis AND remain thirsty? The most interesting man in the world doesn’t have a hole in his throat. How does he do it? Why was the most interesting man in the world being contradictory? Are contradictory people interesting? My future crashed down all around me. So, I walked to the park and took a nap.

I’m beginning to think that the most interesting man in the world is just a dick. I guess that is interesting if you like dicks.