Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 30 - Sid

You know the routine – the rockers are singing for their lives, nobody can wait to see Suave Porn hit the road, there were more votes than ever and Brooke is still knocked up. All the rockers killed it last night, and in case you don’t believe her – check this out – convenient clips from last night’s show.

Back at the mansion, they toasted each other for rocking the crap out of the Mayan Theater until Lukas pointed out that now that there are only six rockers left, after you convert the Canadian, Australian, Iceman and South African to US that leaves just 3.5 rockers, thus putting 85% of them in the bottom three. Ryan points out the cost of living in New York is significantly higher than the rest of the US, so they vote and decide to multiply everything by pi. Finally, Magni notices the cue card guy holding up a sign that says 50% and resolves the issue without further delay. Ryan says that he is not ready to go home, and Lukas says he’ll take it like a man. I don’t think they were talking to each other. At least I hope not.

They made their way back to the Mayan Theater, although Lukas was walking a little bit funny. Storm advised that she wanted to kick the snot out of something, and if it wasn’t going to be a song it might have to be that dude in the dockers in the audience every week who felt her up during her stage dive back in Week A While Back. Dilana advised they were like a family. Maybe a hybrid of the Addam’s Family and the Munsters. Dilana as Lily (or Grandmama if you aren’t a fan), and you have Magni as Uncle Fester. Storm as Marilyn (or Lurch if you aren’t a fan of hers). Lukas as Eddie. Ryan as the angst-ridden Wednesday. Speaking of which, whatever happened to Christina Ricci? I know I left Toby out, but I got bored and distracted by Christina Ricci. But Dilana’s point was that losing somebody during the elimination show was like losing a limb. Right. Sending Ryan home from the mansion would be just like having to hop around on your left foot for the rest of your life, Dilana. Magni and Dave shared some award show presenter type banter, then it was time for another new Suave Porn song.

I’m guessing the camera crew got the day off since we were not allowed into Pulse Studios this week to see the rehearsals/tryouts. We’re apparently on a need to know basis, and all we need to know is that Lukas is this week’s Suave Porn Featured Dancer.

Suave Porn/Lukas – It’s On: I can’t see them filling arenas with this guy at the helm. In fact, I’m not sure they’d make enough money to fill the tank in their tour bus.

TLee then wanted to thank all the maniacs in internet land that have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer and make webpages about a goddam reality show. Bunch of losers. Umm, wait a minute. Nevermind. Strike that.

Toby gets the encore and starts roaming the Mayan Theater, shaking hands, kissing babies, helping audience member search for lost contact lenses in the dark, making his way to the back of the Mayan and then… wait a minute! That’s not the Mayan Theater! I’ve been duped! It’s all been a lie – this is just a soundstage dressed up as the Mayan. What’s next – I suppose you’ll be telling me that professional wrestling is fake.

Everybody but Magni was in the bottom three at some point during last night’s voting. Pickled ram testicles for everyone!

Ryan – Baba O’Reilly: First our boy popped some champagne like he won the World Series, got stuck in his coat like a bush league Houdini, swung the microphone like a drunken Roger Daltry, climbed the Marshall stacks like a three year old’s first visit to the playground, stumbling kidney stone danced, and all I wanted to tell him was, “Stop actin’ the fool, boy.”

Storm – Helter Skelter: I liked her hat. I also liked the way she bossed the crowd around. I could definitely spend some time in her dungeon. Did I say that out loud?

Dilana – Psycho Killer: Jason looked confused from the beginning. More so than usual. When she started speaking in tongues, even TLee freaked out a bit. And he’s seen some crazy shit. All I know is that it made me miss Zayra. I would turn off this heinous show and play some Lydia Lunch non-stop until Suave Porn clears out of the Mayan and hits the road.

But before I turned off the TV, as they were coming out of break I couldn’t help but notice Storm standing in front of the audience with the microphone sticking out of her pants like something that might stick out of her pants if she were male and really excited to be on stage. It gave me hope again and I decided to leave the TV on. Then the Suave Porn kicked Ryan off the show. My excitement grew and I stuck a microphone in my own pants. Two more weeks…..

Rock Star - Aug 30 Moist Rub

Brooke displayed the Final Six neatly organized in a linear arrangement on the stage. They looked proud, yet perplexed, and slightly abscessed, to be there, these Final Six. The NCAA has contacted the creators of the show warning them to not even think about getting close to using the term Final Four, should it come to that. Don’t even try to use Final Five, which is too close, or they’ll retract any fake credits Tlee earned on his going-to-college reality show. Tlee needs those college credits on his resume in order to get tenure. The producers have decided to go with Final Cubed Root of Three Hundred Forty-Three minus Three when only four rockers remain. The NCAA, since it is more concerned with sports and marketing than education, is incapable of doing the math, so Tlee is safe.

Already dressed for her video shoot with Twisted Sister for their re-remake of Leader of the Pack after this taping, Brooke informed us that they received the most votes ever. I voted once for Storm, which was the first vote I cast this season, so I can only presume I put us over the top. You’re welcome, Mark Burnett. Dilana looked delighted to hear the news, although I’m pretty sure they edited in her response to hearing there was free throat scrapings back stage after the show.

Next, we quietly celebrated with the rockers back at the mansion. All we learned here was that nobody was afraid of the big bad wolf that is the bottom three. Instead of quietly wasting our time, they could have showed us the Bugs Bunny episode where he pretends to be Little Red Riding Hood and torments the big bad wolf. We would have gotten the same idea, and we would have been much more entertained.

Dave declared this week’s performance episode the best in Rock Star history. Jason confirmed this by refering his scrapbook, but noted that last year’s episode where Andrew Farriss broke the Twinkie eating world record while Brandon sang Sweet Home Alabama was a close second. Dave asked Storm, who looked kinda sexy wearing her dad’s hat, why she seems so enthusiastic about possibly being in the bottom three. Storm explained that she is a master thespian and is merely…ACTING! When Dave badgered Dilana, she said she feels like part of the Addams family, being a cross between Lurch and Cousin It, and will cry if Uncle Fester gets voted off the show. Magni then took Dave out back and beat him like a race horse’s hindquarters for him mocking Magni’s super model style. Apparently, Magni is a little sensitive about the way his charisma translates to the still shot.

Enough of that, let’s rock, Jason. This week’s Suave Porn hit of the week is entitled, It’s On, which is a song about serving soup to enlisted personnel. Suave Porn chooses you, Lukas. As the Lukas lead Suave Porn geared up, Storm fluffed the audience with her best cheerleader antics. She actually formed a five-tier pyramid all by herself! Go Team SUAVE PORN! Lukas was more aware of the audience tonight and I know why. He is too shy to look at Suave Porn while he sings. They were behind him on stage, so he dared not look back. His options were to sing to the audience or put a bag on his head. I was rooting for the bag, but he opted for the audience. I don’t know if this song is any good. I was too distracted by Lukas’s slathering of the lyrics. It’s not that I need to understand the lyrics to like a song. His lingual expressionism interferes with my neural entertainment receptors sometimes. Does Gibly know how to crank out a monster solo, or is that too eighties for their cutting edge sound?

Breaking News: Some weird shut-in guy from Seattle won the Windows Space Live page sweepstakes. He will attend the final taping of Rock Star:Suave Porn if they can lure him out of the house with free Star Trek toys, put him in a cage and ship him to LA.

Since Gibly has written so many hits in his career, he told those rockers who would live to see Rock Star tomorrow that he would be helping them write hits for Suave Porn as part of the next clinic. Probably the other way around.

Highlights from Toby’s encore: He ran up to sing to the cheap seats, which irritated the camera operators because there is no lighting up there for camera shots and they’ll probably get blamed for being crummy camera operators. Then Toby drowned in a quagmire of hired whores on his way back to the stage. He didn’t seem to mind.

There is a shortage of pickled herring in Iceland because they are all partying, according to Tlee, over the fact that Magni was the only rocker not to beach themselves on Danger Island. Dave joked that Brooke must have instructed everyone with hair to stand up, as Magni is the only bald rocker and was the only one left sitting when Brooke announced the voting trends that were the result of global vote pouring, which is a by-product of global warming where people are too hot to go outside so they stay by their computers and vote on line. Magni took off his shirt and showed the world his sweater-like matted back hair. Dave took back what he said and apologized.

Why don’t you go first, Ryan? He chose to blow our minds with Baba O’Riley by The Who. To train for this performance, Ryan bought Jill’s vocal instructional tape, Screaming Your Way Off A Show. He was so over the top on this song, I mistook him for a truck driving Sylvester Stallone challenging everyone in the audience to arm wrestle in order to impress his estranged son. To help his chances for survival, he tried to get the audience drunk by squirting them with champagne. This plan was foiled when the other rockers absconded the bottle and proceeded to party like muppets being operated by spastic chimps in the Al Roker den. The look on Suave Porn’s faces at this point was one of “I don’t think these people are taking this contest seriously.” His next ploy was to demand that everybody jump. He seemed adamant about it, so I, too, began to jump at home, which caused me to trip on the dog and crash my head into my glass coffee table. I felt so Magni-fied. Although he was redlining the entire song, providing nothing more dynamic than full throttle, he kept pushing the limit of the realm of ridiculous. With the dexterity of an old lady climbing a folding chair in order to swat a moth, Ryan mounted the speaker cabinets behind Sasha. There he stood anticipating the roar of the throng, as they would ravish their rock and roll crusader with unending adulation. That never happened, so he hopped down, nearly spraining a knee. To finish us off, thank Xe, Ryan wooed a “Woooooo!” reminiscent of Wil Ferrel encouraging all to streak. So, I did that, too, and tripped over my other dog.

Luckily for Storm, she got to follow Ryan’s debacle as she popped her bottom three cherry with Helter Skelter by The Beatles. According to Storm, this was the first ever punk song. I can’t argue with her since she would probably beat me up. Knowing that Ryan set the over singing bar at Everest heights, Storm felt she could afford to push the limits a little herself. She over sang, too. If Ryan’s excessiveness was on top of the Empire State Building, Storm was sitting comfortably on the thirtieth floor, in the lobby of that one company that sells industrial insulation. You know the office – the one with two rows of Zagnut bars in their vending machine. Who needs two rows of Zagnut bars? Also like Ryan, she commanded the audience to jump. I wasn’t falling for that this time (what pun?). Once she got everybody preoccupied with jumping, she snuck around, unnoticed, to the Suave Porn Perch to give them a complimentary lap dance, since they had a coupon. She was quickly scared off by Tlee’s immediate and monstrous rigid response to her comeliness. As a shout out of approval to the recent retro movement, Storm Nestea-plunged herself onto the audience, who was polite enough not to splash on her.

Toby didn’t fall for Brooke’s joke. Dilana tried not to fall for it, as she paused when Brooke said her name, but it was no joke. Get your miniature South African ass on the stage and take what’s coming to you. What was coming to us was a strange and disturbing version of Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads. Dilana declared that this song would be her redemption (for all the bad press she created), and she dedicated the song to herself, because she didn’t want to insult any more people. She began with an a cappella intro because the band thought they were still at the commercial break. Once they kicked in, Dilana strapped on a Tigger tail and bounced about the stage. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing (this is fine literature here, folks) boing boing boing boing boing. After the first two elimination performances tonight, I thought Dilana’s would be a steak in the maniacal land of tofu. Nope. Just more tofu, and weirder tofu, at that. She sounded like a castrated Rockwell (I hate myself for having this reference in my brain) during the verses. Suave Porn looked confused, as they should have been. Dilana spent much of the time, ala Lukas, singing to the house band. It was so bad, I was almost hoping Sylvester Stallone would come back on stage for some more arm wrestling. I think she was up to something. Here’s my conspiracy theory. She’s already got the Suave Porn gig, but she doesn’t like the way she was dragged through the fishes when they portrayed her as a backstabbing, vindictive scrag. So, she discharged this deranged pageant of “what the f*ck” to throw a fork into their garbage disposal. This was the redemption of which she spoke. After her performance, Dilana collapsed to the stage. Storm picked her up and carried her to the front of the stage, just like Gerrit Graham’s character, Jeff, carried his dog in the movie Used Cars when the dog faked dead to trick the prospective car buyer into believing he had killed the dog so he would feel shame and buy the car (I like that this reference is in my brain, but it probably doesn’t fit too well in this paragraph, but I don’t feel like erasing it and coming up with something less obscure and more relevant).

Gibly tells us that Ryan has been on quite an adventure and has come so far and was great tonight (WHAT???), but questions if he is right for Suave Porn. Storm has been solid, but has not shown much growth (she didn’t need much growth, she’s seven feet tall, dude), but he liked the way she had the mic sticking out of her pants. Dilana’s performance was out of left field (from a baseball field on Saturn) and she seem lost (since she was coming from Saturn), but she has built up enough credit with the band, so far. Without further adieu, bring out the Tommyhawk.

Tlee saved us from slowly peeling the bottom three to expose the worst one, who happened to be Ryan, so good riddance to him. Suave Porn was proud of him for coming the farthest out of all the rockers, but I don’t think he has. He changed things up from week to week, for sure. It wasn’t a matter of him opening new doors within himself and showing his diverse talent. He was merely throwing sausages at the window to see what slipped to the floor for the rats to eat. It was as if he was at the haberdashery trying on hats for Suave Porn asking, “How’s this one look? How about this one? Do you think this one has too many feathers? How about this bonnet – too frilly? What if I wore it backward and tilted to the side?” Ultimately, he ended up where Jill was, screaming to feign intensity. And she was Tleehawked about three years ago. Ryan vowed to see Suave Porn on the record charts as a solo artist. That’s plain silly – Suave Porn won’t be on the charts, Ryan.

Good news. They plan to bring back one of the loser rockers, as voted upon by we the people, in order to form a more perfect Suave Porn, establish rockers, insure domestic mansioninity, provide for the vocal performance, promote the general applause, and secure the blessings of Dave to ourselves and our rockability, do ordain and establish this Suave Porn for the United States of the World, to perform an encore on the last show. This is a set up for my other conspiracy theory (are you listening, Mr. Navarro), where, in a surprise twist, Suave Porn will choose none of the remaining rockers, and will declare Matt the winner, who coincidentally would have won the return to the show vote, and they will deem themselves The New Duran Duran. But John Entwistle will return from the grave to tell them that their plan will go over like a bag of assholes, which will inspire them to change the name of the band to A Bag of Assholes. They will take over the world of rock.

Rock Star - Aug 29 - Sid

It was a crazy week in the mansion. Check this out. It’s all covered in our previous posts down below. We just don’t subject you to the same crap over and over just to sell more advertising. In fact, I was just talking to Moist Rub on our VCast phones about this. I directed him to my MSN livespace account where I previewed my blog for him, and he agreed that we shouldn’t be corporate whores like Suave Porn. He was so adamant about this that he wrote a protest song on his Gibson guitar. So I took a ride over to his house in my Honda Passport to hear it. It kind of sucked – he should stick to power ballads. The dude is a master. But I digress.

So speaking of gigundus breasts, either that dress that Brooke was wearing creates an optical illusion of enormous proportions and will soon become a best seller or else I’m guessing she’s at least 8 weeks.

Lukas – Lithium: Now that we’re down to six, we get to spend a little time getting to know our rockers. We learn that our little rocker likes basketball, probably because he dominates the under 12 league that he sneaks into each year. He also likes video games, so I hope he has a PSP for those hard times living in his car. I can’t see an Xbox 360 fitting too well on the dashboard of his Volkswagen Rabbit. He also admitted to working at Hooter’s, and I was picturing him in tight orange shorts and a hot little tank top until he clarified that he was the one frying the wings. But I think he still wore the orange shorts and hot little tank top. Damn, I wish I had Photoshop. I’m not sure why I’m ripping on him – he’s not turning out quite as obnoxious as I originally thought. However, he still hasn’t sold me on the whole rock star thing. First, there’s no crying in baseball, and there’s no piano in Nirvana. His performance reminded me Paul Anka’s cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit, which is cool if you’re Paul Anka but not if you’re trying to hang with Suave Porn. So I thought. They seem to love the little bastard, which proves that you should never listen to anything I say. Ever.


Magni – I Alone: Magni, feeling the pressure of being in the bottom three, decided to use his time to campaign as our Icelandic hero feels like a victim of nationalism. He accused Toby of banging kangaroos, Lukas of having herring breath, and Ryan of being a dirty American, and promised pickled ram testicles and foot rubs to anyone that would vote for him. Except for Dilana – she has dirty feet. This week his fans voted for him to sing a Live tune, since it’s obviously written for bald dudes to sing. Fortunately for him, his fans’ flawed reasoning turned out OK and he turned in another Magni-like performance. Last year JD tossed cash around during Money and ended up winning. Since this song is off of Throwing Copper, Magni should have thrown pennies at the crowd. That’s just the kind of cheesy creativity Suave Porn is looking for.

Ryan – Clocks: First, he Billy Joel-ed the ivories, then he threw his bench like a deranged homeless dude, slipped a token in the piano for a quick game of Dance Dance Revolution atop his steed, Van Halen-ed back down to the stage, stumbling kidney stoned around, Roger Daltry-ed the mike, Starsky and Hutched back over the piano, plinked around like Schroeder, Army Rangered back on top, and finally leapt back down like a girl on a trampoline. Suave Porn loved it. Except for Jason, but he doesn’t count.

Storm – Bring Me To Life: Wow. I just realized I didn’t have any notes from this performance. That doesn’t mean it was bad. This kind of stuff happens all the time on conference calls and meetings at work. Everybody drones on (not that Storm droned on – I kind of liked the performance) and it doesn’t seem important to write anything down and then like three months later some little detail suddenly becomes relevant and I have a legal pad filled with sketches of Jessica Rabbit. So then I have to try to divert people’s attention by pulling coins out of their ears and singing college fight songs. However, I do remember that Suave Porn did hire Toby on the spot as backup singer for their upcoming world tour.

Toby – Rebel Yell: Toby tried to sell himself as the fun lovin’ frat guy. I’m sure Jason would love nothing more than to have Toby smash him in the face with cake and then chase Gibly around backstage wearing nothing but a cock ring and a smile. I don’t think this song is much of a challenge and Toby was able to do a nice job and still have time to pull half a dozen trollops on stage to bounce around with him. This display, along with Toby’s penchant for nudity, earned him God’s blessings from TLee.

Dilana – Mother Mother: I noticed Gibly checking his watch before Dilana started. I assume that he wanted to get home to start making the punch for the Emmy party he was throwing that night. My invite got lost in the mail. But I digress. Dilana started out playing guitar and I was worried she might be an overkicker. I saw Heart in concert once and Nancy Wilson is an overkicker. For some reason chicks feel the need to get all Kung Fu whenever they try to rock out on guitar. But Dilana finally reeled her leg back in and started head banging, which was very reminiscent of the old bass player from White Zombie, and thus earned my approval. However, when she was done with the guitar, she stopped down the performance to put it back where she found it as if she were doing some light housekeeping. Then standing atop an amp, she put her leg over Sasha’s shoulder like an old pal might do more traditionally with xe’s arm. Sasha smiled politely and slowly backed away, not unlike I do when offered pickled ram testicles. Dave, in a classic knee-jerk reaction, declared it the best performance in the last two seasons. The Suave Porn was afraid to disagree for fear of looking stupid after such a glowing endorsement.

Early Bottom Three: Storm, Ryan, Lukas
My Prediction: Storm, Ryan, Magni

I think Toby should go home next, but his fans will save him. Unfortunately, that means Storm might have to leave. And that makes me sad. But she probably misses her Balls, so it’s not all bad.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 29 - Moist Rubson

I was busy being a parent tonight. I attended parent orientation at my son's high school, where I visited each of his classes according to his schedule. Luckily, each class session was only twelve minutes long, so I was able to stay awake for about two thirds of each, on average.

Here is a rundown of what I learned. His Music Theory teacher is laid back. He reminds me of a the music major that used to live in Leper House with us, Jud the Pud. Although, you can tell he's a little more partial to the "band kids", probably due to familiarity, than he is to the "garage band kids" in the class. My son would fall in the latter category. His Gym teacher is Vin Deisel from The Pacifier. He told us it's always his way - no highway option. Then a duck bit him in the ear. His Algebra teacher was sick so I hung out in the bathroom and smoked during that session. I thought about going to visit my son's guidance counselor during that time, but since I never met mine in high school, I'm not sure what they look like. The World History teacher had a hot body. You can tell she works out. I think she is a lesbian, because when I asked her out, she said, "I'm a lesbian." Next was his lunch period. Since all of the booster club cookies were gone, I spent those twelve minutes looking for books about Chester Arthur in the Media Center. I found some and smuggled them out in my pants. That's how Chester used to carry his books to school. His English teacher looks like Harpo Marx. I told my son that, to which he replied, "Who?" I said, "Your English teacher." Looks like I'm going to have to read Romeo and Juliet this year so I can help the son. There is no way in hell he's gonna understand it. Time to teach him about the wonderment of Cliff's Notes. Finally, I met his Physical Science teacher. She's a young one, and an alumna of the school, although she said she was an "alumni". I asked her if she had a mouse in her pocket. I told her I was also an alumnus, and she suggested that I was there way before she was. I thought that was rude. So I dragged her down the hall by her ear and showed her my name on the 1983 National Honor Society plaque in the hallway, and said, "don't mess with me, this proves that they thought I was smart." However, since she is kinda good looking, I asked her out, too. Also a lesbian. Imagine that.

Since I spent the evening campaiging for yet another Father of the Year award, I was unable to watch tonight's performance show. To cover for me, I instructed my son to blow off his homework, watch the show and blog like the wind. He is a good boy and did as daddy instructed. Below are his thoughts.

___________________________________________________________

I wish I had Tommy Lee’s hat. It’s a good a rock n roll style hat. Dilana was not a very nice person this week. If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all. She said things that are wrong about everybody and thinking she is the best, and there is nothing wrong with her. She also should watch where she breaks things. She could have gotten Magni in the eye. Dilana doesn’t have to flip the camera off, either. That was very disrespectful to the fans. Everybody should get away from the drama and just sing, which is what they are supposed to do.

I am surprised Lukas didn’t bump into to anything with his eyes closed all the time. He did well except I would work on his yells and make them heavier. I thought Magni did great with I Alone. The way his yells went great with the song. Whenever he would scream his vein on his head looked like it would pop. Rafael, the guitar player, is awesome. When Tommy Lee said he wanted to see Magni go in the back of the crowd and Magni said he was going to but he didn’t, I’m pretty sure he was lying.

Ryan said that he could feel that he is going to win it. I feel that his feeling is wrong. I liked how Ryan made that slide on top of the piano. I am also going to agree with Gilby when he said to Ryan that he is changing all the time.

Storm say’d that she is much different from Zayra and Jill when singing Bring Me to Life. Of course she is because she is way better than both of them. There is not much to say but she was good.


It was cool how Toby brought the fans up on stage. It is good to get in touch with people. He did an outstanding performance. Dilana is very popular to a lot of people, but for some reason she is not a favorite of mine. She is still pretty good, though. I like her hair. I think it’s cool looking. At the end when she said that was a good song to get the anger out of her, I think that’s crap. You don’t need a song to let anger out. Just beat on something until you get tired. Or, just move on with life.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Rock Star Mansion Show - Sid

So a bunch of stuff happened last week. Check it out. I wonder if Brooke talks that way in real life.

“Hi, honey, I made dinner tonight. Check it out.”

“Hey, the pregnancy test is ready. Check it out.”

“Last week I found some naked pictures of David Hasselhoff on the internet. Check it out.”


Guess what happened next? Right, the weekly square dance. But since we’re down to six rockers it was a triangle dance. I wonder if they have those in really, really small towns. But I digress. They all celebrated the greatness of Patrice by munching on the mansion carpet. Then they moved on to the lickable wallpaper to get the taste out of their mouths. “Lovely stuff, lickable wallpaper!” cried Lukas, rushing past, while Storm exclaimed, “And when you lick a snozberry, it tastes exactly like a snozberry!”

Speaking of snozberries, Dilana refused to join in the toast Storm proposed in honor of Dilana’s first spanking, explaining that everything she says is taken the wrong way. Just like the other day when I called Moist Rub a dillhole. What I meant to say was, “Jolly nice day, old sport. How about joining me for some polo?” Storm pretended to be all caring and stuff not unlike when some snot nosed kid tries to show you his table salt collection.

So Dilana runs away crying so that nobody will know that she’s running away crying and sits morosely by the pool. Lukas was probably out there reminding her, “Dude, you fucked up, man…” when poor Magni comes by just in time to see Dilana’s meltdown, which involves the very uncool act of breaking her glass poolside. She’s going to lose her pool privileges for the rest of the summer if she keeps that up and will have to watch sadly from her window when it’s time for the big chicken fight tournament, which we all know how much she loves. The gravitational pull of Magni’s bald head also attracted several shards of the glass, one of which lodged in the speech center of his brain causing him to begin speaking exactly like Pee Wee Herman. We’ve yet to learn if this also affects his singing voice. Dr. Ryan Star tended to our fallen hero, waiting valiantly outside the bathroom door in case Magni passed out from blood loss so he could steal his bangin’ shades. With all this blood flying around, I’d hate to be Magni’s dry cleaner. They page Toby, who has been relegated to the position of mansion custodian, to sweep up around the pool and around Magni’s head. Meanwhile, Storm comforts the sobbing Dilana by holding her tightly and singing apartheid anthems, reminding her that she can always return to her homeland and be the Celine Dion of Sun City. Dilana calms down and sits on the ledge of her window, hoping to get crapped on by a pigeon.

Next is the photo shoot clinic. Dilana is afraid that she’s going to mess up this clinic as well by spitting at the photographer, because she’s just too honest to know better. Storm is up first and starts out with the titillating line, “Where would you like me – up on the table, I imagine?” She then proceeds to climb on the table and hump the candlesticks, but only like a brother. She claims to have done some modeling in the past, but as a respected journalist I had to verify this for myself and can report that she has in fact done some nude modeling.

They make Toby jump up and down on the couch, just because they know he won’t win and they want to mess with him. Lukas declares, “I ain’t no model, man” but works with the dude to get that totally “goth glam dirty rock shot” that has been his sole purpose since 9th grade. The other rockers played a trick on Ryan and, instead of telling him the photographer was from In Touch magazine, they crossed it out on Ryan’s invite and wrote in Angst Magazine. Magni tells everyone that he’s a singer, and not Harrison Ford, as if the photo studio were the Temple of Doom. He’s obviously uncomfortable, but I blame the roll of guaze wrapped around his head from the unfortunate wine glass incident. Finally, Dilana broods and wonders why anyone would want to take a picture of someone who’s as ugly on the inside as she is. And then she remembers it doesn’t matter because everyone else is her bitch and smokes the rest of the photo shoot.

Song selection time, so the producers text message the rockers on their Verizon VCast phones and tell them to drop what they’re doing immediately, hop in their Hondas, and get back to the mansion stat, because the friggin’ MSN servers are actually working and not timing out and they need to find out what the fans chose for them to sing. Storm was impressed with the “gigundus” flat screen monitor that would reveal the following:

Lukas gets Lithium so that he can have the opportunity to crush his arch nemesis Dilana. It doesn’t sound like he’ll be borrowing her hoodie, although it would probably fit.

Toby gets Rebel Yell and everyone is all like, EVS.

Magni, I believe, gets I Alone, but I’m not sure because I was distracted by the steel halo he was wearing while his head wound healed.

Storm gets Bring Me To Life by that band whose name I can’t spell. She declares it a tough one to sing, but I think she also meant to say it was a tough one to spell.

Ryan gets Clocks and plays up his role as a corporate shill by explaining that because of the feedback from his fans on MSN and VCast he knows how to sing the song. If Suave Porn had any integrity left they should kick him off the show just for being such a whore. But then they are executive producers of this mess…

Finally, Dilana gets Mother, Mother, and I’m so tired of her that I don’t even want to spend any time thinking of something clever to say.

Rehearsals, and we get to see Lukas trying to arrange Lithium in the folk flamenco style of Antonio Chacon. This gets Paul pissed off, because he’s Paul and has to listen to these little creeps tell him what to do. Don’t they realize he was in mother fuckin’ Nelson?

Finally, the epilogue – the group photo and they’re all dressed up like they’re going to a wedding and their parents won’t let them wear their black finger nail polish. Finally the photog suggests a nude photo. Ryan begins stripping immediately while Lukas has a panicked look on his face, suggesting, you know, that, well, maybe, I just guessing here, but he might regret that Tinkerbell tattoo on his ass. I know I regret mine.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

My First Lovehammers Concert by Keysunset

Editor's note: We here at Leper Pop don't make a habit of offering space to guest writers. Our primary reason for this is we do not wish to besmudge anybody's good reputation by being seen here. But the event described below was such a special one to most of us in the Leper House community we thought we'd risk ruining Keysunset's good name and post her Lovehammers encounter here. Please do not think badly of her for stooping to our blog level. She is actually quite a wonderful person, and has taken pity on us.

I have been patiently waiting, ok maybe not so patient but waiting nonetheless, for the Lovehammers to plan a tour stop in my backyard. Apparently they were not going for the offer of free lodging (air mattresses and futon in my family room) or free food (How about oven broiled pork chops, boiled corn, fresh sliced tomatoes, and sweet tea? I could even make ‘em a banana puddin’ for dessert!) But I was being denied.

SO, since I do not drive long distances, nor at night, it was the result of some very fancy footwork done by my husband, my niece, and myself, to manage to work out being able to travel to Columbus, OH, to see the Lovehammers Get Live at The Basement under Fat Eddie's Bar last Thursday, August 17.

I had connected with some martycasey.org gals before I arrived in Columbus. My niece, her best friend from high school, and I met the group at the Red Star Tavern in downtown Columbus. Downtown Columbus is going through a revitalization so, contrary to what the name of the establishment might suggest it was a very nice, full service restaurant as well as bar. Besides the .org gals, there were also posters from the Sisterhood of Marty Casey. I don’t post at the SMC but several sisters post at .org. One of the sisters who knows me from .org was at the Red Door. What a hoot! She squealed with excitement when she found out that I was “keysunset” and I squealed in return when I found out who she was! Some of the “girls” had been there long enough to eat and were getting ready to go get in line at The Basement. My trio took up some of the now vacant seats and perused the menu. For you foodies – I had the Chicken Pesto Panini. It came with fries, which I didn’t eat. I drank water. The sandwich was good, light, not very pesto in flavor, but that was ok. I was so excited that I was afraid if I ate anything very heavy I’d end up being sick and that would be sad.

After my group ate, we walked over to the venue and stood in line for the doors to open. I really really really wanted to be near the stage for the concert. I really need not have worried too much. As it turns out, and as I had heard, Lovehammers fans are some of the best people in the world. As the word spread that this would be my “first,” I was assured that come time for the Lovehammers to perform, I would be in the front row. I smiled and said thanks, but in my heart of hearts didn’t really believe it would be so.

The Basement is a long rectangle. You enter through doors near one end of the rectangle. The whole room is open, broken up only by support columns, the bar, “conversation areas” made by sofas and stuffed chairs at tables across from the bar, the stage at one end, and a small alcove with a door leading outside at the other. As you enter you see the stage, beyond a metal railing. You have to turn right to go down to the other end of the railing, turn left to walk down a few steps, and there you are! No seats there, just a human energy pit awaiting the bands. My niece noticed the signage and had to break it to me that there would be no crowd surfing. Oh well. I planted myself as near as I could get to the stage, while my niece and her friend moved back a bit where they could sit at the base of one of the support columns near the railing.

About seven, the warm up acts (yes acts, there were three!) began. They were great! The first one was Curtis Peoples along with another guitarist named “Slim” (Jason "Slim" Gambill). Curtis mentioned that he had met Marty in LA and that Marty had become a good friend. I enjoyed Curtis’ performance. I bought one of his cds (Whisper To A Scream)after the show. A funny – at one point during the show Curtis said that Slim had the coolest hair cut in the business. Slim, who has very long blond hair, had his hair in two braids. In retort, Slim said, “Yeah, beside your David Hasselhoff.” This was indeed, especially from my viewpoint with a spotlight behind his head, what Curtis’ hair looked like.

The next act, Tony Lucca, was extraordinary! He accompanied himself on the guitar and on the keyboard and he had a great voice! The final, and the listed warm-up act, was Joe Firstman and friends. Slim, who had played with the first act, and Tony also played with Joe Firstman. There was also someone who played upright bass and an incredible drummer! Joe played guitar and keyboard and during one of the songs also played drums alongside the drummer! They, too, were really great! The crowd was SO ready to ROCK by the time the Lovehammers came out!

By the time the opening acts were done, I was about three rows back from the stage. However, true to their word, when the stage was set and it was getting close to time for the Lovehammers to come out, one of the Sisters put her hand in the middle of my back and PUSHED me to the front, while others parted to give me a way through. It was surreal. Suddenly I was standing at the railing, maybe two feet from the front edge of the stage! There was another first-timer, a Sister complete with her decorated garter, there and they pushed her up beside me as well. The set list was distributed about the stage and one of the sisters got a photo of it on her cell phone:

This Town
Call of Distress
Ultrasound - Full Song
Tunnel
Sky is Falling
ClinicSleeper
Wish you Were Here
Hold On
Give It Up
Eyes Can't See
Riddle
Rockin' in the Free World
Trees
Straight as an Arrow

Finally, although the opening acts had been so good it didn’t really feel that long, the Lovehammers appeared. Marty came out with a jacket on over his white shirt and (at least to me at the time appeared to be) a black tank top. He had on a pair of blue pants. Not the stripey ones, but he is so pretty I’ll forgive him that. However, it was so HOT inside The Basement that very soon into the concert Marty went offstage and put the jacket away.

Then the concert begins to lose correct chronology for me. Several times they played a song then played right into the next one, so that I can’t remember what things happened exactly when. I had decided in advance that I didn’t want to experience the concert through a camera lens, not this time, though I did hope that I’d see concert photos posted online. Photos were allowed during the concert. I also didn’t want to be trying to take “notes” during the concert. So I totally let the Lovehammers pick me up and take me along for the ride.

That said, here are some of the things that happened to me:

All in all (and not counting standing out on the sidewalk to get inside the venue) I stood (thank goodness for my black princess-style Reeboks!) for over five hours – most of that time screaming or singing.

Marty is a beautiful man, MANIC on stage and I love the way he moves around. Although I did manage to tear my eyes away once in a while to look at Dino, Bobby, or Billy, I spent the vast majority of my concert time staring at Marty.

At some early point of the show Marty said, "Well, we're here in the Basement" at which the crowd yelled even louder than we already had been. Then Marty said, "You're going to have to keep it down. My mother's upstairs!"

Also at the early part of the show, Marty jumped really high straight up in the air (how DOES he do that!) and I swear he hit the top of his head on the ceiling! The ceiling was very low in this venue. He carried on with his performance so I hope all was OK. Later before he jumped he put one hand on a lower part of the ceiling and put his other hand where the ceiling went up slightly and positioned himself to jump where he had more space!

Marty would walk right up to the edge of the stage and put his foot on the padding on top of the rail at the front of the crowd. Since I was at the front, and near the spot where he would walk up, just to my left seemed to be the favored spot for him to put his foot. Then he would bend his knee and lean forward onto his thigh to sing out into the crowd. I cannot begin to count the number of times during the concert that this would happen and I would be inches away from his foot and leg.

Twice during the concert I received the “baptism of Marty” – being hit by dripping sweat as he spun his way through some part of a song or waved his arm out over the crowd. The first time it happened it was just a drop and I actually looked up at the ceiling for a moment in confusion before I realized what it was. The second time it happened was more of a spray of droplets. It still surprised me, but I knew what it was then.

Somewhere in the concert after Marty shed the white shirt, and leaned forward on his thigh to sing, he put his arms straight outward to the sides. When I looked up at him, and that armpit just within reach, I really did think how tempting it would be to tickle him. But I restrained myself.

There are those who say that “Bobby is hot.” I’m still a Marty girl, but Bobby was SMOKIN’ hot on the drums! Fantastic! I really enjoyed Billy’s performance as well – his “Rockin in the Free World” was really cool.

And Dino! So cute. At some point during "The Riddle," I think when they sang "... there has to be something more to the middle ..." I had managed to drag my eyes off Marty (I hadn't had MY eye-f**k yet, so I was pretty much staring at him constantly .... ) and looked at Dino. During that phrase Dino, very cutely, did a whole body shrug -- up on his feet a bit, shoulders up, eyebrows up, elbows out a bit. Sort of Charlie Chaplin-esque. It made me smile!

During “Trees,” Marty came over and was staring at the first-timer beside me. I was staring at Marty’s face. When he got to “combination for DISASTER” he looked at ME for “disaster” with that wide blue eye (my vision is such that I tend to look at one eye or the other, not both at once) and in that pause just after “disaster” lifted his eyebrow to open that eye just slightly larger. The whole time, I realize afterward, I have been slowly breathing IN and slowly leaning farther and farther backward, so that if it had not been for the Sister behind me when Marty moved on to the next face in the crowd, I might have fallen over backward. Yet, even though I was leaning backward, I felt like I was falling into a blue pool of lovely delight! When Marty did move on, both the first-time Sister beside me and myself looked at each other like “was that what I think it was” and the Sister behind us said “You girls have been truly eye-f**ked!”

Then, since Marty had in effect made the first moves – singing to me, sharing sweat, doing that eye-thing – the next time he put his foot on the rail I did finally touch his leg, just the ankle and a little above, but the thought that passed through my mind was “this material is sort of coarse” and “his leg is very skinny, he needs to eat.”

I did wait for the Meet and Greet, which since I was at the front of the crowd for the concert meant I was at the back of the line for the M&G. By the time I was getting close to the band, we were being rushed a bit. In addition, they were NOT allowing any photos in the M&G. So my plans of having niece just take a casual photo of Marty and I was thwarted.

After I got past the merchandise table, you turned a slight left into the alcove at the back of the venue. The Lovehammers were sitting on bar stools behind a tall table, which effectively meant I was practically standing on tiptoe to be able to be seen. Maybe not quite that bad, but close.

My niece and her friend took my MC&LH and MOMM cd liners through the line for me, ahead of me.

Dino was first at the table. As I walked up, I said, “I know you hear it all the time, but you guys were fantastic.” He said, “I never hear it enough.” So I said, “Well you were fantastic, wonderful …” “More,” he said, “tell me more.” “I had heard how great you guys were live and this is my first concert. It was true,” I said. I mentioned someone from the .org board and he made a compliment and a sweet smile at her name. Someone barked “Move it along” so I made an apologetic smile at Dino and then it was Marty.

My mind went to mush. I think we shook hands. He asked me my name. Then I said, “I have something for you.” I gave him the photo of my child with the signed poster received as the prize for the "Rain on the Brain" video. Marty gave a big smile at that. Then I said, "I know you guys didn't write this song, but I hear that you sing it sometimes, so I was hoping you'd sign a copy of the lyrics for me" and passed him the copy of Alan I printed from Leper House. I wish y'all could have seen his expression. Priceless! :-D He did sign it, though he asked me if that was his copy and why didn't I bring him a copy. I did feel bad about that. :-( I didn't think of that! He said, "I want the Lovehammers to cover Alan"! And then he started singing while drumming on the table with his fingers, "Alan, whatever happened to Alan." I've not heard StivOO sing it, so I can't compare, but it sounded pretty fine coming from Marty!

Then I had to move along. We were being really rushed by then, and my head was all a-buzz, so I’m afraid I shorted Bobby and Billy with my comments and compliments. I’m sure they understand. One of the comments I did hear that Billy made to someone who went through the line ahead of me was, “Small venue. Good crowd.”

We went on outside. A group of us loitered a bit hoping the band would come out before we had to move on. I had decided to go ahead and give Marty the lyrics he had wanted, but it was not to be.

Finally, really feeling dead on my feet and floating on a cloud at the same time, I told niece and her friend I was ready to go.

Back at the in-laws, my niece said it was a great concert and "won't it be DA BOMB when they come to our town!" as we were collapsing onto the sofa bed.

Except for a little of Rockstar:INXS, which niece didn’t watch regularly as I did, this was her first exposure to Marty and definitely to the Lovehammers as a whole band. Her friend had never heard of them at all before. So, when niece and her friend went out together on Saturday, I sent along my Marty Casey & Lovehammers and my Murder On My Mind cds. They were able to listen to Marty Casey & Lovehammers and niece’s friend said she likes Trees and The Riddle very much. (Which, besides Marty singing on Rockstar:INXS, are the two songs that initially hooked me!) Since her criteria for buying a cd is if she likes at least two of the songs, she’ll buy the cd, she is planning a trip to Borders to use a gift card to purchase it. I hope she does.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten things, put some things out of order, probably gotten some things just plain WRONG. I enjoyed myself immensely, though I have some regrets about things I couldn’t do or didn’t do. Overall, I was very satisfied with my Lovehammers concert experience, and I can hardly wait to do it again!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 23 - Sid

The show started out with the rockers in police lineup fashion. It didn't make sense that Patrice would be there. I mean, these guys were hard-core rockers, but there she was. She wasn't scared. She knew she hadn't done anything to embarrass herself. Besides, it was fun. She got to make like she was notorious.

After the formalities, Brooke took us to the mansion so we could see what the rockers have been up to. Check it out.

This is where I’m going to pretend that my broadcast was interrupted by some sort of severe weather alert, because, honestly, the whole Dilana thing is giving me tired head. I’m too old for his crap. This is how bad it is – I’m starting to like Ryan just because he can’t be bothered with this crap, either. In fact, he just kind of wandered off to play some solitaire on the computer when the rest of the house followed him over there so they could show him their awesome myspace sites. But the Rock Star producers intercepted them and made them look at livespace instead. Just like when your mom makes you a baseball mitt out of banana peels and some dental floss because it’s just as good as those mitts you can buy at the store. No wonder I never made the team. But I digress. Dave explained to the rockers, who have already had myspace sites set up since the late 80’s, how important it is to pay attention to fans that stalk you online. And then everybody yelled at Dilana a lot.

The rockers then took a field trip to Pulse Studios to audition for the next Suave Porn tune. Patrice thought these studio sessions were interesting because everybody is bringing a different flavor to Suave Porn. For some reason I think Patrice is bringing chicken. It got me thinking, so I dropped some acid and thought about what each rocker’s music would taste like. Patrice’s music, we already know, tastes like grilled chicken. Ryan’s music tastes like black licorice. Magni, Sno-Caps. Lukas, slightly burnt pizza crust. Toby, catfish. Dilana, fried rice. And finally, Storm, a bag of assorted Tootsie Pops. The original chocolate ones are still the best.

This week Suave Porn had a taste for catfish, and thus invited Toby to sing Be Yourself with them. I kind of liked the music – it reminded me of 999. But then Toby started singing and it didn’t remind me of 999 anymore, but more like that really good cover band that plays down at the marina in the summer and tries to slip in an original song every now and then to try and make up for having to play Mustang Sally for the five hundred and forty second time.

Next up – Media Day Recap. In case you didn’t see the mansion show or were drinking and blacked out, Dilana threw her housemates under the bus. All in an effort to be a mother dove to Lukas. Lukas didn’t want no stinkin’ dove, but if you wrap it in bacon and grill it up it’s not that bad. I learned that in Texas. You see, when it dove season you get up early and grab some beer and your gun and position yourself between the dove trees and a body of water. The doves wake up and need to get to the lake for a drink, and you try to shoot them before they get there. Then you drink beer all day, and wait for them to go back to their tree and try to shoot them again while laughing at how drunk your hunting buddy is. Then you get in your truck and drive home to feed any friends that don’t have a problem grilling and eating the symbol of peace and love. Good times. Oh, and Dilana got yelled at again.

On to the bottom three… we know the early birds – Patrice, Storm and Toby. They were also joined by Magni.

Magni – Fire: This is one of the first performances of Magni’s that I didn’t mind. Probably because Jimi is one of the coolest people ever and Magni didn’t fuck it up by trying to do the Devo version of it.

Patrice – Middle of the Road: Wow. Another cool tune, and I’m thinking she just might be able to pull this one off. Suave Porn asked, “Are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?” Patrice apparently chose the latter and left me unimpressed again. Magni offered up his sleeve to help wipe up the bloody mess on her face and it led me to my next question – if the shirt goes up on eBay, does it fetch more or less with Patrice blood on it? – and it also disproves the maxim that there is no such thing as a dumb question.

Toby – Plush: I thought his voice fit the song well, but I wouldn’t be looking for any Camp Freddy invites if I were him.

Gibley’s Pre-Hatchet Recap: According to Jason’s journal, Patrice has been in the bottom three for four weeks and Magni for two weeks. Jason seems to have lost Toby’s records during the Vegas trip, so he gets to sit down by default.

Tommy tried to create some drama even though my grandma could tell you that Patrice was going home this week. Tommy tried to let her down easy with the old “it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s our goddam fans that won’t buy a ticket to see your coffee shop ass” speech. She put a finger on his lips and stopped him mid-speech to let him know it wasn’t necessary, kissed him gently on the forehead, slung her Gibson over her shoulder, and hitched a ride back to Austin. And… scene.

Rock Star - Aug 23 Moist Rub

Brooke instructed the remaining seven rockers to line up against the wall with their hands by their sides. Mr. Cluck, can you identify the person who abducted your doggie, Chomper? His name is Chopper, Brooke. What’s the difference, Dilana killed him because she’s honest.

Tlee let us know that they would be treating us to another kick ass Suave Porn song. Another kick ass one? I must have missed the first one. One of the maniacs would be singing with them. But he would not disclose which maniac. The suspense builds.

Tonight’s themes was “How much of a bitch is Dilana?” A pretty big one, I gather. As Marty said last year (as did I, before he said it, but nobody gives a crap about me, because what I do for a living isn’t very entertaining, even though some people like to stare at me while I sit at my desk pretending to type stuff, and sometimes I shake things up by answering the phone, but usually I’ll let it go to voice mail unless I’m sure it’s a personal call), the drama on this show should be kept to the stage. Tonight, it wasn’t. So, we had to sit through Dilana baggin’ on all of her housemates, via the confessional camera and ill-advised remarks she made to the press, who were obviously there for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble, but she was too obtuse to realize that. Although, she did not assault Storm, who, wearing a modernized Wonder Woman outfit tonight, would crush her into Dilana dust in a second. This dribble was merely a marketing ploy to make their imbedded advertisement for live.window.voyeur.spaces seem interesting. And it worked. I started a page for Gibly’s dog, Muncher. I used all of Sid’s posts from this blog for content. I think I’m gonna win the contest. Dave reminded us that the Internet is a major part of music today because it allows you to establish instant relationships with the fans and it also allows you to instantly get the fans’ money. Dilana, who came to the show directly from the Who-ville beauty parlor, apologized for being a back stabbing shrew. The other rockers diplomatically accepted the apology, but we all still think she’s a bitch. Jason warned everybody to become pachyderms.

We watched as the seven deadly rockers took a crack at the new Suave Porn song, Be Yourself and Five Other Clich├ęs, down at the old Pulse studio. This week’s montage was not as streamlined as last week’s, so they decided to disband Suave Porn for Africa. Patrice told us that they all have different approaches, and that she likes to approach both men and women, and sometimes plants. According to Ryan, you’re either in or you’re not roit. Mind boggling insight. Magni determined there was no room for error in singing the Suave Porn song. One false move and it could suck. Or it could suck if sung perfectly, too. You just never know, so they gave the song to Toby.

The song is a mix between Queens of the Stone Age and Louis XIV (specifically Pledge of Allegiance). I have no idea if that is a good thing or not. I just don’t know. But I do know this. Toby sounds better when he sticks to the lower end of the scale. When he climbs too high, his voice enters the Alvin and the Chipmunkosphere. I found myself tediously enduring the verses to get the chorus during this performance, and then wondering why I was waiting for the chorus when I got there. Similar to waiting for a bus that is not heading in the direction you expect to go. Again, they “videoed up” the performance. These unsigned rockers have to show their worth in front of the naked camera each week, why can’t Suave Porn? What are they trying to hide? Are they not good enough? Do they need these production crutches because they don't trust the quality of their art? I’m guessing it was lip synched again, but I couldn’t tell as much as with the Dilana lead.

So, sha-la-la-la-la-la my lady, in the sun with your dress undone. Now, ev'ry mile away and ev'ry day cuts a little deeper. I'll remember the nights in the cool sand making love out on Danger Island. Except these folks weren’t making love. Some of them were making poopy pants fearing to be marooned on Danger Island. Magni was the only rocker relegated there other than the Bird Ass Beans, Patrice, Storm and Toby. Now listen everybody, this is very important. Brooke tells us that the voting was incredibly close, and only a handful of votes made the difference. You all know what that means, don’t you? That means that your votes DO make a difference, so vote, vote, vote and vote some more. It makes a difference to certain sponsors who have their advertising rate, at least partially, determined by the amount of voting activity each week. I cannot stress enough the ardent gravity of this situation. These rich people that are counting on making more money off your votes need to be richer. Do not let them down.

Magni was the first thrown into the fire. To taunt his detractors, he chose to burn Fire by Jimi Hendrix. He whined to Brooke that he doesn’t like going first, and Brooke told him to shut the hell up, baldy ass. I guess the hormones are flaring a little. Magni didn’t look comfortable up there. His performance was choppy and he never found the groove. He and Rafael danced a couple of solos together, but I’m not sure if Magni’s guitar was plugged in. Maybe I should have had the sound up on my television. I turned it down so I could hear the White Sox game on the radio. The biggest question of the night was left unanswered, or it was answered but I didn’t see what happened. Would Magni destroy his guitar? Did he choose a Jimi song to entice him to set his guitar on fire? At the end of the song, Magni sacrificially raised his guitar to the audience, and it looked like he was going to perform some act of defilation, but the next thing I saw was him walking on stage without the guitar. What happened to the guitar? Was what he did so vile they had to censor it? Yes, it was. Apparently he took the guitar, coated it with margarine, started spinning it on his finger like a basketball and then ***** *** ******** ***** ********* * ***** ***** without falling down and then ** ******* ****** *** ** ****** **** *** ******** until it erupted and she smeared ***** ********* ** **** between ******* ***** *** ** ** ** ******** ** before Dave even knew whose sock he was wearing on his elbow. Evidently, Magni’s actions were too vile for this blog, too. The audience and Suave Porn seemed to like the Magni Experience, but I thought it lacked substance. Tlee thinks I’m ridiculous.

Patrice, time for you to go. On to the stage, I mean. Patrice told Gibly that she arranged Middle of the Road by The Pretenders especially for him. Or maybe she meant all of them. It sounded like she made a valiant attempt to dirty the song up. In doing so, she lost the edge of a maturing punk transitioning to the more mellow and realistic and aware realm, yet maintaining a derisive and scandalous attitude, so effectively portrayed by Chrissie Hynde. It was not enough to save her. To make matters worse, Patrice’s herpes was acting up as evidenced by the canker unearthing itself through her lipstick. Tlee must have gotten to her, which is the death knell in these here mansion parts. Nobody survives after the Tlee pool table treatment. Magni was nice enough to point out the blemish to her when she was done, “Oh, I meant to tell you earlier, Patrice, but you have a giant volcano growing on your upper lip.”

Toby, it’s you. Storm SHOCKED! Film at eleven. Suave Porn was shocked, too. They would have never asked him to sing their new romp if they had known the voters hate him. They proceeded to hire a new marketing director. Toby declared that he will never again take off his top. It’s gonna get pretty stinky, Toby. You may want to reconsider that vow. Toby went with Plush by Stone Temple Pilots because we haven’t heard enough of this song on this show yet. He sang it very well. He needs some help in the stage presence department. All he has to offer is some pogo mixed with the neo-rapper schlep. Toby added a drum interlude into the arrangement. Either that or the rest of the House Band forgot that part of the song. I think Toby will eventually break some of his fingers with the way he tangles the mic in his hand. I hope Suave Porn has a good medical insurance plan. Dilana's going to need it.

Gibly, please tell us how they all did. He was happy that Patrice was able to showcase her original song yesterday because it’s going to be the last time anybody ever hears it. However, he’s worried that she keeps volunteering for the bottom three. Magni’s presence in the bottom three for two weeks in a row troubles Gibly. He won’t be able to sleep this week. Gibly feels comforted by Magni’s killer version of Fire, and he hopes to weave a blanket out of it to help him sleep. Toby is insane, so he gets to sit down and think about what he’s done.

Bring out the Tommyhawk. BAM! There goes Patrice. Tlee couldn’t even look her in the eye when he did it. They must have gotten into some freaky stuff on that pool table. Of course, Patrice was grateful to Suave Porn for the opportunity they afforded her. Most people are surprised she lasted as long as she did. Not me, because I love her. But, I am giving her up. It’s not because she is bi-sexual and that I mind sharing her with a woman. Actually, that seems like something I could get into, and it would take some of the stress off of me trying to maintain the relationship. But, I’m guessing they would eventually team up against me and I would lose every house vote. I would end up having to clean the bathroom all of the time and I would never get the end piece of the meatloaf.

Rock Star - Aug 22 Moist Rub

My love life is in shambles. First, Brooke has some enormothrogs beat the crap out of me last year so she can feel free to get impregnated by weird guys in the street. Now, Patrice feigns being a lesbian in an effort to get rid of me. Well, it’s not going to work Patrice. It didn’t work for Ellen Degeneris and it’s not going to work for you, either. As Storm so crungingly sang last week, “I will survive.”

Brooke opened this week’s performance episode by sharing some time with the fabulous men of Suave Porn. She had just come back from her bowling night, as she forgot to remove her bowling wrist guard. Her average is finally over two hundred. Good for you, Brooke. Who could tell what she and the others had to say about tonight’s show? We were all distracted by their good looks and star power. Who really cares what the show is about, anyway? We Americans are content to look at beautiful people on the television, no matter how bombastic they behave. It’s same reason I go to my local Wal-Mart.

Speaking of behaving bombastically, let’s take a look at how our gentle rockers reacted to the happenings of the past week. There was some faux fighting in that durned mansion. Seems as if most of the rockers wanted to do their own original songs. Pray, there are only two to be had. Storm threatened to kick everybody’s ass. All cowered to her Amazonness, but not enough to give her an original. In addition to being part Amazon, Storm is also a little French, so she gave in. You know, Amazon’s would cut off one breast so it would not interfere with their archery efforts. Interesting. Magni declared, since he is king of Iceland (as far as the other rockers know), that Patrice has earned the right to go original, since she’s been in the bottom three so much, Suave Porn already thinks she’s off the show. Everyone all-in-favored-said-aye. Then, by some similar reasoning, of which only rock stars hopped up on narcissism could understand, they gave the other original to Ryan. I think it was because of the hood that he had surgically implanted onto his head, so they all thought he was the evil emperor from Star Wars and they didn’t want to feel his force rubbing on them.

Back at the CBS studios, where Bob Barker was peeking inside to see what all the commotion was about, only to find that Gibly had brought his dog, Chopper, to the show, which caused Bob Barker to report him to human resources because bringing pets to work is a violation of Code 47, section A, part 5 in the CBS employee handbook, and if Bob can’t have his red Swingline stapler, Gibly shouldn’t be able to bring his dog to work, and the ratio of people to cake is too big. I heard there was a run on sentences at the language store. Bob caused quite a disturbance with his whining. Eventually, they gave him a desk in the basement behind some boxes and took him off the payroll. By then, there was no time to interview the rockers about the song selection, so they jumped right into the performances.

PatriceBeautiful Thing by Patrice Pike. I want a black Gibson SG, too. Patrice did her best Nina Gordon impression to fricassee her original recipe for Suave Porn. She added some Jodie Foster lisp as a garnish. The song was perky, and peppy and bursting with happy. Tlee found that to be disconcerting, but assured her that Suave Porn could make it work (if she were to make it past tomorrow). (Which, she won’t.) I can’t believe she made up that stuff about her diggin’ chicks just to get rid of me. Am I that horrible? Yes, I guess I am. Still, I thought she looked cute tonight. Maybe she could teach me to play guitar someday. You know, sometimes I imagine that she and I are walking in the park, and a squirrel runs up and nibbles the toe of my shoe, and I get a quizzical look on my face, and Patrice looks me in the eyes and says, “he must think you’re some kind of nut”, and then we laugh and we laugh, and in the background Herman’s Hermits music starts playing. Then she seizes my hand and bears down on me saying, “You know, I could teach you to be the man you never should be.” She finished by thanking Suave Porn for the chance to demonstrate her sound to a worldwide audience and then asked if they’ll mail her final check or can she pick it up at the front desk.

MagniSmells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Magni added the Fonz’s leather jacket to his Princess Leia knit cap ensemble. It was quite eclectic. He must be from Europe. Magni still doesn’t have much stage presence, other than what his voice affords him, which is substantial but not comprehensive. Other than the Hey-I’m-singing-to-you-right-there-in-the-audience lunge, he pretty much just stands there. Dave thought he was awesome, because he knows how to effectively dole out the angst (unlike Ryan who drops angst around like refuse falling off an uncovered garbage truck with blown shocks driving on pot-hole ridden road). Jason enjoyed Magni’s energy that radiated all the way back to the Suave Porn perch. So, that’s where it went. Tlee admonished him for not hiding behind his guitar, which he should have worn and then smashed. Magni promised to do that next time. We’ve all heard that before, right fellas? Dave wants to see something eventually get broken on stage, other than Brooke’s water, which is why they’re ending the show on September 13th this year.

RyanBack of Your Car by Ryan Star. He wrote this song about JD living in his car prior to last year’s Rock Star, hoping to channel his wizardry of deception. The intro to this song sounded vaguely familiar. It sounded like some other song by a real rock and roll band. Let me think about this. Oh yes, now I remember. Yes, it kind of sounded like Hold On by the much beloved Lovehammers. Don’t worry, Marty. I have my bloated attorney drawing up the lawsuit right now. Luckily for Ryan (legally speaking, not creatively), the rest of the song did not sound like the Lovehammers – it sounded like Bush. Not to worry, Ryan. Old Gavin has plenty of cash now that he married whatserface from No Doubt. Man, why can’t I find me a rich chick with very low standards? Taking the advice of Tlee, sort of, Ryan launched his new Les Paul, very gently, and horizontally, so as not to damage the neck, to the side of the stage into a pile of minced Nerf footballs that just happened to be there to cushion the landing. Anything for rock and roll, except destroying free stuff. I’ll admit that the song was not bad. But Ryan did have a red tongue from sucking on a cherry Popsicle right before going on. So there. Feeling that Ryan has transformed himself into something unexpected, Dave decided to call him Ryan the Dark Horse Nebula, which lies in the southern constellation Ophiuchus (The Serpent Bearer), whose rear is also know as the Pipe Nebula. Dave is quite an amateur astronomer.

StormCryin’ by Aerosmith. Storm, the singer capable of singing any song ever written, was not disproved tonight. After a benign beginning, as she seduced the microphone stand, Storm found the better level to be inside this song. Using deep knee bends and psycho eyes, she managed to stay there for most of the song. Dave admitted that this was a difficult song to sing, which, for him, they all are, which is why he plays guitar. Tlee thought the song was cool but requested Storm to wear less clothing. Big shocker. Gibly stated that she handles challenges well and suggested she try out for Fear Factor. However, when Storm re-introduced Brooke after her Suave Porn interrogation, we found out what the real future holds for Storm. She out Brooked Brooke and will host next year’s Rock Star: Buster Poindexter. Honestly, I think she would host this show better than the incomparable Brooke Burke. Storm is much more animated and thespianish.

DilanaEvery Breath You Take by The Pigs. Although the guitar effect made it sound a little Pretenders. Not a bad thing. Dilana instructed everyone in the audience to breathe as she started the song. This was not a problem for most people, but it ruined David Blain’s Rock Star: Drowned Alive stunt. He was rushed to the hospital with his lungs full of water. Before the show, Dilana was doing a little gardening and a couple of dragonflies got stuck to her eyelashes. Being the consummate professional that she is, she chose to accessorize herself around the dragonflies. Lovely. Until the dragonflies began mating halfway through her performance, which got a little disgusting. We were treated with some tender Dilana tonight, as she sang to her mother, who she has not spoken to in many years. Her mother disapproves of running by the pool, naked or not. Suave Porn didn’t seem to mind this, even though they crucified Magni for singing to only one person a few weeks ago. When confronted, Suave Porn admitted that they would have said something to her about it if she hadn’t already signed the contract to be their lead singer.

TobyLayla by Derek and the Dominos. What’s with all the hoods? No more hoods and I mean it. Anybody want a peanut? Toby added a different kind of desperation to the beginning of this song. As the signature riff kicked in, he merged it with the classic desperation. I liked it. His manipulation suited him, and it successfully modernized the song with out blaspheming it. In a similar manner that Ryan took Tlee’s advice to Magni, Toby took Tlee’s advice to Storm and disrobed to expose his naked torso. Tlee was happy enough to see any kind of skin. Toby had written EVS on his chest, which, as we later learned, is an Australian saying short for whatever. As in, I don’t give a shit anymore about you dumbass Suave Porns. Naked as a half a jaybird, Toby rocked himself to the Al Roker den to be Pipped by the rest of the rockers. Then, he made his way back to the stage to pogo out the rest of the song. The pogo hasn’t contaminated this year’s show like it did last year, so Toby’s pogo was bearable. Dave declared Toby to be the Thunder from Down Under, which is an all male dance revue featuring sweaty Australian guys shaking their scantily clad bodies at drunk women in Vegas. Good call, Dave. Tlee, again with the “Elo, Mate”, spoke for the ladies when he said, “I have a rash”. Gibly didn’t care for Toby’s arrangement, but liked his performance. If you don’t have anything nice to say, Gibly, don’t say anything at all. Oh, I guess you did say something nice. Nevermind.

LukasAll These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers. Lukas used his non-gritty, soothing throat voice at the beginning of this song, which is good for my nerves because whenever he starts singing in the constricted throat voice I think, “Oh no, Jason’s going to yell at us again!!!” Lukas eventually got to the constriction, but it wasn’t overbearing, so Jason left him alone. He wore sunglasses for a while until he had a conniption causing his body to convulse, which knocked the glasses to the floor. This is the technique I use to remove my sunglasses while driving, because it is unsafe not to keep two hands on the wheel at all times. Lukas teased the audience again by directing half of his attention to the band. Gibly roasted him for this. Lukas explained that it leaves the audience wanting more. Dave thought Lukas was unbelievable. I’m not sure if he was talking about Lukas’ performance or that inane comment about leaving the audience wanting more. Tlee merely said, “Check, please”, which caused my son to call me asking what the hell he meant by that. If my son had understood Tlee, I would have sent him to Betty Ford immediately. Jason thought Lukas had good energy, and, like I said, he didn’t bitch about Lukas’ throat constricting. It’s getting a little old, Jason.

The Bird Ass Beans were Patrice, Toby and Storm. This game is no fun with so few contestants left. It will probably remain this way since these three seem to have the smallest fan bases, unless Magni fans fall asleep again. As much as I like Patrice, I can’t see her surviving another week. Ryan still bugs me. They should let you vote against people on this show, too. No fair.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 22 - Sid

Brooke promised that later in the show she would let us know how to be first to get tickets to the Totally Off The Hook Frickin’ Huge Massive Ass World Tour 2007. I’m definitely getting a t-shirt. Maybe I’ll even spring for the hoodie.

During the recap, an observant Mrs. F’er noticed that Storm was wearing Magni’s toque. I bet Mrs. Magni noticed, too, and he’ll have some ‘splaining to do when he gets back to Iceland.

At this point I noticed my writing getting very choppy. I was struggling. I couldn’t get my paragraphs to flow. I pounded my keyboard in frustration. Then I pulled out my Verizon VCast phone and downloaded Schoolhouse Rock’s Conjunction Junction video, and it really helped me work it out. Did you notice the use of the word “and” in that last sentence? That’s right – a conjunction.

Gilby was then asked to introduce us to his “little friend” and I quickly hit the mute button on my remote. It was obviously a panicked reaction that made little sense, but it turned out OK as we found out his “little friend” was none other than some mutt named Chopper. Very Paris Hilton, Gilby. Do you carry him around in your little Coach bag, too?

To the music:

Patrice – Beautiful Thing: As soon as I heard Peppermint Patti was doing an original, I knew she bought her bus ticket back to Austin. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. In fact, I think she would have totally won her high school talent show. But probably won’t cut it with Suave Porn. TLee thought it was too happy, but thought they could slow it down and make it work. Just like when Felix Unger wrote Happy and Peppy and Bursting With Love, but freaked out when Jaye P. Morgan broke it down and turned it into a smoky torch song. Yep, just like that.

Magni – Smells Like Teen Spirit: I see he got his toque back from Storm. Sure, the boy can sing, but I find myself going to alphabetize my CD collection while he’s performing. I’m not sure what I would alphabetize if I saw him live during the Totally Off The Hook Frickin’ Huge Massive Ass World Tour 2007. Dave told Magni that he wanted to see something broken on stage this season. I’m sure there will be a fight at the next song selection to see who gets to break something.

Ryan – It’s The End Of The World As We Know It: He totally re-arranged this REM tune, so much that I barely recognized it. I also think he missed a line – you know, the one that says, “That’s great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height, down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it’ll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.” Other than forgetting that line, it really wasn’t that bad. Dave liked it so much that he gave Ryan his Native American name – Dark Horse, although I would have opted for Stumbling Kidney Stone.

Storm – Cryin’: Forget Aerosmith, I want to hear her sing some Zebra. Remember Zebra? I checked it out and if I plan my next trip to New Orleans right, I can catch them at the St. Cletus Festival in Gretna, Louisiana. I’m kind of sad for them. Storm’s glittery eye shadow was nice. Reminded me of a dancer I knew named Kashmir. But I digress. Unfortunately, I thought Storm got buried under the music like a filet mignon smothered in ketchup. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t eat filet mignon again.

Dilana – Every Breath You Take: Nothing gets a stadium full of metalheads crazier than some deep breathing exercises before each song. Maybe next week we can stretch so that we don’t pull any muscles in the mosh pit. Without Jill around to feel her wrath, Mrs. F’er has decided to transfer all her venom to Dilana. Or as she likes to call her – Di-lame-a. I think I know what she’s getting at – you pretty much know what every song is going to sound like as soon as she gets it. The same consistency and predictability that made McDonald’s frickin’ huge. If that’s the case, then maybe she’s the Royale with Cheese that Suave McPorn is looking for. I read that Sting averages $2,000 per day in royalties just for this tune. I think he needs to return the money today. Regarding the outfit, let’s just say that I can’t wait to hear what my buddies over at Rock Star: A Fashion Disaster have to say.

Toby – Layla: So the story goes that Eric Clapton wrote this song as a tribute to George Harrison’s wife, Layla Harrison. But few people knew that Layla first fell in love with George’s brother, ex-president Benjamin Harrison. When the Beatles hit it big, Layla left Benjamin for George, and Benjamin dedicated himself to pursuing the presidency to impress her so that when that the Beatles got dropped by their label and went back to their jobs as maternity nurses at Liverpool General Hospital, Benjamin would swoop in and take Layla to the White House. Well, we all know how that turned out. Benjamin Harrison was unable to successfully manage the tariff issues of the day, George Harrison finally scored a hit with Got My Mind Set On You, and, well, Eric Clapton, nobody knows where he is today. Layla, however, is waiting tables at Bob’s Steak and Chop House in Dallas, Texas. I wrote all that while Toby was singing because I really wasn’t that interested, and the parts I heard pretty much blew.

Lukas – All These Things That I’ve Done: This motherfucker rocked the sunglasses right off his head. However, I think Lukas might have tried to bomb tonight. Just to get it out of his system and get some bottom three experience while Patrice is still around to take the fall. Wise move, grasshopper.

Early Bottom Three: Patrice, Storm, Toby

Sid’s Bottom Three: Patrice, Storm, Lukas, with Patrice finally going home.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show - Aug 21

All of sudden, Zayra is a fucking genius in the mansion. They spend however many weeks this godforsaken show has been on ripping her and her spandex, but as soon as she’s dead they’re building a shrine.

Ryan: Too bad about Zayra, wasn't it?
Sid F’er: She got a lucky break. Yesterday she was just a nut in blue spandex. Today she’s the "Honored Dead".
Magni: You are a very cynical person, Sid, if you'll forgive me for saying so.
Sid F’er: [shortly] I forgive you.

Later that night….
Lukas: You despise me, don't you?
Sid F’er: If I gave you any thought I probably would.

Next, Dilana rubs everybody’s face in her nuts by telling them she was the first person to sing with Suave Porn. Actually, dear, unless they pick you as the winner, then it wasn’t technically Suave Porn. It was just a tryout that you can tell the bartender about between sets on your next world tour.

Storm thought Dilana sold the song, so now she wants to do it next. She even puts the pigtails in her hair to try and impress the boys. I’d let her do it, but I’m a sucker for that look.

Toby then continues his time-honored tradition of smashing cake in Ryan’s face every time he gets the encore. Ryan does not respond, taking great satisfaction knowing that Toby will be eaten by a shark some day.

Media Day

CBS pays some journalists to come and pretend to care about our rockers and trick them into to saying stupid stuff. Here’s how it went down.

Lukas, when asked if he liked Suave Pornster music growing up, said that he first got laid to Unforgiven and the romantically melodic bass lines that Jason put down on that track. My first time was to Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson.

Toby said some stuff, but it was in Australian and I didn’t understand.

The bitch from Star 97 told Storm that she shakes hands like a man. She doesn’t know how close she came to getting pile driven into the pool patio.

Ryan said that Suave Porn is like totally unfair and they like Dilana better than everyone else and like it’s not right that her curfew isn’t as early as everyone else because, you know, she’s not better than everyone else even though she acts like it.

Dilana takes one for the mansion team and agrees to be this season’s weasel. She says: Toby isn’t in it to win and wants to get back to waxing his surfboard, if you know what she means. Magni isn’t in it to win because he’d rather be home changing stank ass diapers. Storm and Ryan hate Suave Porn. She offers to buy a bus ticket back to Austin for Patrice to start every day. And, finally, that she wants to strangle Lukas, or at minimum, punch him in the face.

Lukas is hurt when hearing of this second hand, gets further taunted by Miss Star 97, and in true rock and roll defiance exclaims “tough bananas!” in response to the failed interview.

Song Selection

Two originals and everybody pretends to want them because Dave told them they should. Storm offers to box Ryan for one of them, forcing Ryan to choose between looking like a pussy or getting his ass kicked by a girl. He chooses the pussy route, but I could tell he’s plotting his revenge for a time 17 years from now after everybody but him has forgotten about this humiliating internet moment. She eventually backs down and takes Cryin’ by Aerosmith just because she can. She celebrates by dry humping Magni poolside. Magni explains to her that they do have internets in Iceland and she should wait until the cameras are off before riding him like a mechanical bull. She claims she’s just dry humping him like a brother, and I instantly feel better about not having a brother. Toby pretends to want Dilana’s song so he can make her run naked around the pool. She’s into it since she claims to have “a hot body for a midget”, but someone else corrects her again by saying she looks like “a 12 year old boy with a wig.” Dilana fought for the song because it’s her mom’s favorite, and I’m sure she made mom real proud this week. I guess I don’t love my mom as much since there’s no way I’m getting nekkid for The Way We Were.

Dilana then discovers that Sting smokes about 4 less packs per day than her and can hit notes that she hasn’t hit since she started smoking in pre-school. Lukas classifies her attempts to hit those highs as canine like, while Toby offers up an extremely low blow by comparing her to the dearly departed Jill.

Toby takes Layla, and decides the song sucks and needs to be updated. Did he not learn anything from Jordis?

Storm decides to play dirty and apparently rolled around in bird flu before mounting Magni, as he is puking up internal organs and growing a beak while rehearsing Smells Like Teen Spirit with the house band.

Ryan shows up at rehearsal to teach the band his original song – a happy little ditty about the end of the world and whether one should go to church and pray or just start having sex with anything that moves. Despite all the Ryangst, it doesn’t sound half bad but Ryan isn’t happy with Jim’s guitar pick, Nate’s hair, and Paul’s underwear, which are all going to ruin his epic masterpiece.

Finally, additional clips from Media Day to take us out – the highlights:

Toby’s tells us that Lukas’ breath smells like ass, and Ryan admits that he likes reading Cosmo, Teen and Vogue rather than Maxxim. No wonder Patrice is trying to get the hell out.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Rock Star - Aug 16 Moist Rub

There is nothing sexier in this entire world than a pregnant biker chick. And Brooke knows that, all too well. She just got in from a road rally. Do bikers do road rallies? I don’t even know. I drive a Pontiac. So she gets back from this biker road rally to tell us that the musical masterminds that are Suave Porn are in the house. Masterminds, huh? I guess that makes Beethoven the mayor of the musical universe.

Back at the mansion tape, Storm tells us she got smoshed by the Suave Porn. I looked up smosh in the dictionary. It wasn’t there. If it had been there, it would have been between smorgasbord and smote. Evidently, she made up the word. What kind of a person makes up words? Put somebody on the edge of rock stardom and xe thinks xe can treat the English language like a garage sale purchased end table. If that isn’t egoeurekanism at its deadliest, I don’t know what is. Despicable. They switched scenes to show the fellas talking about Storm. Ryan: “Can you believe she made up that word, smosh?” Lukas: “Dude, I think it’s a real word. It means lapidary, dude.” Ryan: “No it doesn’t, she made it up.” Toby: “In Australia it means a rural occurrence of lice death.”

Storm likes watching herself, which is why her bathtub is made out of a mirror. Luckily for her, the V-phone technology allowed her to watch herself destroy Gloria Gaynor. The screen and speaker on that thing must be so small that you can hardly see or hear anything, because she thought she did well.

Picking up back at the fake Mayan, Dave asked Storm to describe her feelings about her performance on such a controversial song. She stood by her man, because she gave it a thousand percent, and it’s somebody’s favorite song (Merle Haggard) and she did her best. Dave told her she should have had some Cake. She said she would but she doesn’t want to get fat again. Dave asked to see her stretch marks because he knows she can take the criticism.

Then everybody made fun of Toby for being naked. Although, in my book, it doesn’t count for seeing a guy naked unless you see his schlong. I’m sorry, I have high standards.

Jason, after documenting the first naked rocker in the Suave Porn scrapbook, announced there would be no encore at this time. Finish me off, Gibly, demands Jason. Gibly tells us it is an incredible season so far and that there is a lot of talent sitting over there in the Al Roker den. They can all sing, and Suave Porn is getting bed sores on their asses from sitting so much. Hey, everybody, let’s put on a show! Suave Porn will play for us so that we all understand what it is they have been trying to sell us these past six weeks. We dissolve into the Pulse studio, where Suave Porn has been recording sounds for their short awaited album. They present a sequential montage of all of the rockers singing the new Suave Porn ditty. It sounded so good, they decided to end the show, hire all the rockers and form Suave Porn Aid. Or maybe Suave Porn for Africa. One of those. I still don’t know what Bob Dylan was singing.

They chose one of the rockers to sing with them this night. Now, let me make this perfectly clear, Richard Nixon. I don’t think Suave Porn, Dave and Brooke emphasized this enough, so I will repeat it here. Just because they chose only one person with whom to share the stage, it doesn’t mean that the contest is over. They have not chosen a winner. I REPEAT, THEY HAVE NOT CHOSEN A WINNER. There was one rocker who showed them something special down there by the old Pulse studio. That doesn’t mean she has won the show. Not at all. Despite the fact that Suave Porn thinks she is better than everybody else, doesn’t mean the rest of them have lost. Do we all understand? Tonight’s showcase performance in no way intimates that Dilana has indeed become the lead singer for Suave Porn. Even though she has, and the next month of Tuesdays and Wednesdays are more of a formality than a bought election is to the republican party.

Dilana chose a Cyndi Lauper hair-do to wear to the Suave Porn inauguration ball. And like Cyndi Lauper’s videos, for this exalted unveiling of Suave Porn, THEY LIP-SYNCHED THE SHIT! Un-flippin’-believable. Not only that, they added a Cybil Shepard on Moonlighting camera lens filter to soften the blow. Obviously, they plan to sell the shit out of this video once the formality is over. I can’t believe how gullible I am. I actually had some hope to think that maybe, just maybe, Suave Porn would create something worthy of integrity. It’s a daggum REALITY SHOW, dumb ass! You know what? I should have studied more. Is this where my life has taken me? What a dumb ass! Between the lip-synching, the video styling, the dancing whore cracks, the generic rock song, the partnership with Mark Burnett, I’m beginning to think that Suave Porn is nothing but a marketing machine, and it’s not really about the music, Dewey Finn. And to top it all off, Tlee overdrums on that song.

Time for the formality encore. In order to ruin my viewing experience all the more, since I had not yet gouged out my left eye, they chose to give the encore to Ryan, who I am beginning to loathe. Remember that scene in Trading Places where Dan Akroyd was wearing the Santa Clause suit and was sitting on the bus, after having downed a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and he pulled out the salmon from his coat and was eating it with the Santa beard hair stuck to it and those ladies on the bus were aghast at him and he leered at them and groaned, “blaahhghghhghhghg!” That’s how Ryan’s angstcore made me feel tonight. (Note: my drunk friends and I have coined the term “eating the salmon” to describe an obliterated state of drunkenness, which was inspired by this movie scene. Feel free to use it with your friends.)

On to the bottom three, which promises to be a relative oasis in the desert of tonight’s show. Thanks to Brooke and her description of being in a dangerous position for those who will learn that they have visited the voting bottom three at some point, I have declared that this rocker predicament to be known as being on Danger Island. She always brought the best out of me. Too bad that other jerk had to go and knock her up. So shall it be blogged, so shall it be done. This week’s Danger Island inhabitants were Zayra, Patrice, Toby, Magni and Storm. Magni? Magni rocks, gentle voters. At least enough to not tempt the bottom three. It must be the JDidiots influence in the voting.

I’m sorry to report that the Vote for Zayra contingent failed this week, as she was the first placed into the cannibal kettle on Danger Island (is it setting in, yet?). She chose to enlighten the world to Blue October’s Razor Blade, a song she described as really intense. She also proclaimed to "give it the hell out of me." Don't ask me. I don't know either. From her description and her agog, I was expecting some hybrid of death metal and gospel, and was surprised to hear strains of Devo fill the studio. The song slowly eventually began to gurgle and distort until Zayra proceeded to wail and flail and on a sea of dementia set sail. And then it got freaky devolving into silliness. She lost me on this one. Not forever. Like Grace to the Starship, I’ll find my way back, although I don't remember if she had rejoined them when they released that song, so it could be a hapless analogy. Wouldn't be the first.

What’s the bottom three without Suzie? I mean Patrice. Dolling herself up with PTA mom-type make up, Patrice decided to change her mind, which is every PTA mother’s prerogative, regarding the song with which to beg for Suave Porn clemency. Originally, she planned to go ballad, but after this week’s snooze acoustic, she thought she’d better bring the rock. And that rock had a Hole in it. It was a donut rock in the shape of Celebrity Skin. Patrice was solid, if not almost there. She’s the queen of blue balls. She takes me just about there and then drops me to answer the phone. Sure, she’d love to hear about how you can save her money on new windows for the house. I’ll go soak my nuts in the toilet. I’ll admit, by the end of the song, she was rockin’ pretty good. During her plight, she strolled around the audience on her way to the Suave Porn perch. There, she postured her posterior to them to entice copulation, to which Tlee responded, of course, by dousing himself in urine. This ritualistic behavior was Patrice’s last-ditch effort to remain on the show for at least one more week, so that when Zayra is famous some day, Patrice can tell our grandkids that she beat her on Rock Star: Suave Porn.

Magni tried to hide underneath his fashionable hood, but Brooke found him and sequestered him to the stage to be formally lashed. Storm looked bewildered at this development. Wait, she always looks like that. To show Suave Porn he can do anything better than Lukas, even though the voting public is racist against herring lappers, Magni chose to perform Creep by Radiohead. He claimed that, on top of using this song to taunt Lukas’ ability as a human being, it is the anthem of his generation. Maybe in Iceland it is, but here in America, his generation’s anthem is I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. Sorry, Magni, I didn't vote for it. But, no need to apologize tonight, Magni. He doped it (whatever that means, but Dave and Tlee have been using that term, so it’s gotta be cool.) (I trust it can be used as a verb.) (If not, my apologies to Dave and Tlee, and to English teachers worldwide.) Did you voters hear him tonight? There is no way in hell he deserves to be in the bottom three until there are only four people left. You Ryangsters out there actually believe Ryan is better than this? No effin’ way. Too bad Magni wrecked his rock star life by having a kid. What an idiot. If I could sing, do you think I’d have kids? I only had them because I’ll need somebody to change my diapers in a few years. To bring this vibe back to the right side of zero, I did like Magni’s Princess Leia knit cap he wore tonight. Star Wars nostalgia is the new burnt sienna.

Gibly’s up chuck sum up went like this. Zayra likes to play Risk and always places all of her armies on Kamchatka. Suave Porn enjoys Patrice but she smells like the bottom three and needs a Suave Porn bath. Magni was great last night, was great tonight, is very far from Iceland, where he lives, which is why everybody calls him the Iceman, because he’s from Iceland. So, sit your ice-monkey ass down, Magni! (I like the way the "!" and the "i" in Magni's name visually interact at the end of that sentence. You don't see that much. There aren't many words that end in "i" that are used at the end of exciting sentences like that. OK, back to the show.)

And this week’s golden Tleehawk goes to…………..ZAYRA! Congratulations, Zayra! Dave, tell her what she didn’t win. Dave was sorry to see her go since she is a compelling performer (translation: I wanna do ya) and she has star power (translation: would you like to see the couch in my office so we can talk about your “career” after Rock Star?). Jason sensed Dave as a threat and diminished him with a being in Metallica reference. Zayra loves everybody and is grateful for the roller coaster ride Suave Porn has given to her. Jason declared himself president of the Zayra fan club and changed the name on the Suave Porn scrapbook to Zeyeria (he doesn’t know how to spell Zayra). At he very end, Zayra exited with the final statement, “Good-bye evil world.” (Well, that’s what it sounded like to me.) To this, Dilana shed a tear. Everything was so sad, great white buffalo.