Rock Star - August 8 - Sid

After the standard introductions, Brooke showed us some of her home movies from the mansion this week.

Magni got to see his family. If that's the best that a top ten rock star can land in Iceland, then I would venture to say that it's more than just geography that makes the place largely uninhabitable. I'm sorry. I'm sure they're very happy.

The ongoing “Who Wants Me?” controversy continued with all the rockers diverting their eyes as if Suave Porn had just asked them to come up to the blackboard and solve for the density of Brooke's breasts. As such, they all got bitch slapped by Dave who wanted to hire Dilanna and end the show so he could get on promoting the new Panic Channel. Instead, Suave Porn put gold stars and giant smiley faces on their notes next to Dilanna's name, but I'm pretty sure the other rockers are going to beat her ass at recess. (Except for Josh and Toby, who admitted to being little girly men in the presence of Suave Porn.)

Dilanna then demonstrated how she learned to rock so hard by showing us her Verizon VCast phone, with little Gilby shouting inspiring messages from the palm of her hand. Anyone can be a Rock Star with Verizon! (I know I just changed carriers, but I might come back if the price is right in case any of my buddies at Verizon are listening.)

Dilanna - Won't Get Fooled Again: The guitar cam gave me that feeling like I was right there at the fake Mayan Theater perched on the head of Gilby's guitar like a cigarette. Dilanna didn't do the signature scream at the beginning. What's next, Twinkies without the delightful cream filling? Twinkies - tantalizing taste buds and filling lunch boxes since 1930. Hey, Interstate Bakeries, how 'bout sending some Hostess love my way? I'm just stalling because I don't want to say this, but despite Suave Porn's assessment I thought this performance was lame and the only redeeming feature of it was the low rise leather pants.

Jill - Mother, Mother: Between the Britney Spears' Dance Party moves and panting like an out of shape aerobics instructor, by the time she jumped into the crowd I was hoping that somebody would just step on her and put her out like a cigarette.

Ryan - Paint It Black: Spinal Tappish is the best way I can describe this. In ancient times, long before the dawn of Suave Porn, a tortured artist from New York… Ryan Star. No one knows who he was or what he was doing.

TLee had a theory that the insanity was due to him getting laid. I'll take it a step further and say it was Zayra and some of her crazy DNA rubbed off on the poor boy. Next week I expect to see him in a catsuit.

Storm - We Are The Champions: Well done. Ain't gonna get her a Grammy, but she'll stick around another week. My favorite part was when Dave told her she did a “great job” and she just had a look on her face that said, “Yeah, I know.” My second favorite part wasn't when she promised to just spank TLee, but to spank the crap out of him, for sure. My third favorite part was that her shirt said “balls” on it. My fourth favorite part was that crease part of the front hip area that you can see when she wears the low risers.

Zayra - All The Young Dudes: I was cracking up on this one because she wore the exact same outfit as the escort that showed up at my hotel room tonight. What are the odds of that happening? Unfortunately, for the first time, I was kind of bored. With Zayra, not the escort. She needs to get some of her crazy back from Ryan.

Josh - Interstate Love Song: Just as Josh was getting ready to plug in, TLee announced “I want to rock with you.” Josh misinterpreted this and launched into a soulful rendition of Michael Jackson's “Rock With You” backed by Tommy's STP drum track. Magic filled the air, Josh successfully bridged the gap between soul and Suave Porn, and they lived happily ever after. I made all that up because I'm still disturbed by TLee's remarks on how he likes to watch Josh move.

Magni - WhenThe Dolphins Cry: I really don't want to like this guy. I thought I would make a mini Peter Garrett joke or the obvious joke about his own kid wearing noise canceling headphones, but I have to admit I thought he rocked tonight. Magni said his family saved his life this week, but I must have missed the clip of him choking on some pickled ram testicles while his wife applied the Heimlich maneuver. Now I feel bad for making fun of him, so I'll give him my endorsement for the encore so I can feel better about myself.

Patrice - Instant Kharma: Her hair rocked more than she did. I liked the messed up pigtailish thing she was throwing down, but the song was more fit for a bunch of hippies from Austin than for the fake Mayan Theater.

Lukas - Creep: Is that a lace glove? Mrs. F'er still maintains that he nailed this one, but I don't like the guy so I'll focus on the lace glove. And the Zayra inspired dance moves in the middle of the song. The Dilanna inspired wink at the camera. And that goddam lace glove. He's also got some paternal thing going on with Jason, and I swore Lukas was going to cry after he finally received the recognition and acceptance he was so desperately seeking. Oh, and nice lace glove.

Toby - Burning Down The House: Toby stepped right off the cover of the Pretenders' self-titled LP tonight, but my favorite part of the performance was watching Storm play air drums in the rocker den. I then decided he was unworthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as the Pretenders, and instead decided that he looked like a guy that just got fired from his job and was on day three of a bender to drown his sorrows. The megaphone, delivered by Zayra, also made it clear that Zayra is slowly talking everybody into believing that “crazy” is the best way to stay on the show, knowing full well that she can kick all their collective asses in a "crazy" competition.

The early bottom three: Jill, Zayra, Patrice
My prediction: No change. Jill, Zayra, Patrice - with Jill finally going home
My wish list: Jill, Dilanna, Lukas - with Tommy Lee going home