Rock Star - Aug 9 - Sid

Good look for Burke tonight. Two thumbs up. She started the show by showing us the envelope that the contestants fear most. She had taken a black sharpie and drawn a real scary monster face on the back. Whenever the cameras weren’t on her, Brooke would flip the envelope around and flash the scary monster face at them, striking fear into the rocker den. But while the camera was on her, she simply explained the massive amount of votes that the envelope held. So many that I’m surprised she could hold it up in her condition.

Last night’s performance show was so off the hook, that they decided to recap some of the performances for us this week.

At the post-show rocker picnic, Jill “Bump n’ Grind” Gioia called her mansion mates “nuts” for being afraid to play with Gilby. The thought of planting Jill’s ass in the mansion lawn crossed Storm’s mind, but instead she explained that she has nothing to prove and will pick whatever damn song she likes. Jill accused them all of playing it safe, instead of making poor creative choices like she has. Zayra explained that as an artist is more important to connect with a song and then rode off on her Gibson guitar. Toby and Lukas hid in the bushes hoping that clothes would get ripped off, and soon found themselves naked and exploring homoerotic fantasies. OK, I made that last part up – that’s really just my homoerotic fantasy.

When Suave Porn, or maybe it was Dave, challenged Storm’s statement that Gibly knows she can rock, she simply said she wouldn’t hump him, but would break his friggin’ back. That got my mind off the aforementioned gayness in the bushes and I searched rockstar.msn.com for the link to win a chance to have my back broken by Storm. That’s off the hook.

Gibly then explained it’s all about chemistry this year. Which explains the vendetta against Phil, a chemistry dropout. Perhaps Marty’s brother Stiv_OO should have been in the rocker den this year since he didn’t drop out and could probably help Gibly with the molecular geometry and bonding theories he’s been developing. But I digress.

Tommy advised the gang that whoever didn’t get Tommyhawked at the end of tonight’s show would accompany Suave Porn to Las Vegas. Poor Jill was shown clapping excitedly, and you just kind of knew it wasn’t going to happen for her. I actually felt bad for her for a minute. Then I laughed at her.

Lukas did the encore and added another lace glove to taunt me. I can respect that.

Brooke reminded us to get working on our Window LiveSpaces so that we could win a trip to the finale and drink some milkshakes on the Strip.

Magni got the other encore, but they didn’t allow him his acoustic guitar and looked forward to the “Magni-fied” performance. OK, lay down your money – how long before we hear:

That performance was Magni Cum Laude!

Bottom Three Candidates: Jill, Josh, Zayra, Ryan, Patrice

Jill – Respect: During the performance, Mrs. F’er is inspired to make a Microsoft LiveSpace page dedicated to bringing this bitch down. I was a little bit frightened. I think there were some serious threats from Storm behind the scenes this week, because Jill decided to “save” herself by going back to the screaming and oversinging that Suave Porn oh so enjoys from her, all while she was waving a white flag in surrender. The other nominated rockers looked on with glee, and started packing their carry-ons for the trip to Vegas.


Josh – Shooting Star:

TLee: Put the guitar down and bring the funk and soul, boyfriend!
Josh: You’re scaring me, Tommy. I’m keeping the guitar right here.

Josh never liked Vegas much anyway. Besides, if the doesn’t take advantage of the opportunity to bail this week, he’ll risk missing the start of Burning Man on August 28.

Ryan – Enjoy The Silence: Instead of getting stuck in a pod ala Spinal Tap, Ryan got stuck in his sweatshirt while ripping it off in Ryangst. Then he tripped over it. But those minor miscues weren’t even close to what it would take to miss out on Vegas.

Gibly’s Pre-Hatchet Recap:
Jill, you’ve been in the bottom three for each of the last three weeks, and it’s not because you can’t sing. You mother says she loves you, but she could be jivin’, too.
Josh, you’re a good singer, but you couldn’t rock your way out of a wet paper bag.
Ryan, you’re annoying as hell to watch, but you’re not nearly as big a mess as these other two ass clowns. Go sit down.

The Tommyhawk falls twice this week and sends both our defeated rockers home. Jill even annoys everyone with her suck up, generic goodbye speech thanking them for the chance and all she learned, including all she apparently learned from the fake Mayan studio audience. Josh responds with a simple “that’s crazy, dude” and then repeats his favorite Sesame Street lesson that one of these things is not like the others and he’s cool with that. Suave Porn didn’t seem too upset that either one was leaving, and Tommy withheld the “no losers” speech and didn’t even offer up the free deli platter. That’s harsh.

Toby and Tommy then started pantomiming all the activities they would be doing in Vegas that night – playing craps, drinking some Foster’s Oil Cans, and getting trapped in an invisible box. I have a feeling that Zayra is just going to find a job in Vegas and never be seen again. I’m going to miss her.