Rock Star - Aug 23 Moist Rub

Brooke instructed the remaining seven rockers to line up against the wall with their hands by their sides. Mr. Cluck, can you identify the person who abducted your doggie, Chomper? His name is Chopper, Brooke. What’s the difference, Dilana killed him because she’s honest.

Tlee let us know that they would be treating us to another kick ass Suave Porn song. Another kick ass one? I must have missed the first one. One of the maniacs would be singing with them. But he would not disclose which maniac. The suspense builds.

Tonight’s themes was “How much of a bitch is Dilana?” A pretty big one, I gather. As Marty said last year (as did I, before he said it, but nobody gives a crap about me, because what I do for a living isn’t very entertaining, even though some people like to stare at me while I sit at my desk pretending to type stuff, and sometimes I shake things up by answering the phone, but usually I’ll let it go to voice mail unless I’m sure it’s a personal call), the drama on this show should be kept to the stage. Tonight, it wasn’t. So, we had to sit through Dilana baggin’ on all of her housemates, via the confessional camera and ill-advised remarks she made to the press, who were obviously there for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble, but she was too obtuse to realize that. Although, she did not assault Storm, who, wearing a modernized Wonder Woman outfit tonight, would crush her into Dilana dust in a second. This dribble was merely a marketing ploy to make their imbedded advertisement for live.window.voyeur.spaces seem interesting. And it worked. I started a page for Gibly’s dog, Muncher. I used all of Sid’s posts from this blog for content. I think I’m gonna win the contest. Dave reminded us that the Internet is a major part of music today because it allows you to establish instant relationships with the fans and it also allows you to instantly get the fans’ money. Dilana, who came to the show directly from the Who-ville beauty parlor, apologized for being a back stabbing shrew. The other rockers diplomatically accepted the apology, but we all still think she’s a bitch. Jason warned everybody to become pachyderms.

We watched as the seven deadly rockers took a crack at the new Suave Porn song, Be Yourself and Five Other Clichés, down at the old Pulse studio. This week’s montage was not as streamlined as last week’s, so they decided to disband Suave Porn for Africa. Patrice told us that they all have different approaches, and that she likes to approach both men and women, and sometimes plants. According to Ryan, you’re either in or you’re not roit. Mind boggling insight. Magni determined there was no room for error in singing the Suave Porn song. One false move and it could suck. Or it could suck if sung perfectly, too. You just never know, so they gave the song to Toby.

The song is a mix between Queens of the Stone Age and Louis XIV (specifically Pledge of Allegiance). I have no idea if that is a good thing or not. I just don’t know. But I do know this. Toby sounds better when he sticks to the lower end of the scale. When he climbs too high, his voice enters the Alvin and the Chipmunkosphere. I found myself tediously enduring the verses to get the chorus during this performance, and then wondering why I was waiting for the chorus when I got there. Similar to waiting for a bus that is not heading in the direction you expect to go. Again, they “videoed up” the performance. These unsigned rockers have to show their worth in front of the naked camera each week, why can’t Suave Porn? What are they trying to hide? Are they not good enough? Do they need these production crutches because they don't trust the quality of their art? I’m guessing it was lip synched again, but I couldn’t tell as much as with the Dilana lead.

So, sha-la-la-la-la-la my lady, in the sun with your dress undone. Now, ev'ry mile away and ev'ry day cuts a little deeper. I'll remember the nights in the cool sand making love out on Danger Island. Except these folks weren’t making love. Some of them were making poopy pants fearing to be marooned on Danger Island. Magni was the only rocker relegated there other than the Bird Ass Beans, Patrice, Storm and Toby. Now listen everybody, this is very important. Brooke tells us that the voting was incredibly close, and only a handful of votes made the difference. You all know what that means, don’t you? That means that your votes DO make a difference, so vote, vote, vote and vote some more. It makes a difference to certain sponsors who have their advertising rate, at least partially, determined by the amount of voting activity each week. I cannot stress enough the ardent gravity of this situation. These rich people that are counting on making more money off your votes need to be richer. Do not let them down.

Magni was the first thrown into the fire. To taunt his detractors, he chose to burn Fire by Jimi Hendrix. He whined to Brooke that he doesn’t like going first, and Brooke told him to shut the hell up, baldy ass. I guess the hormones are flaring a little. Magni didn’t look comfortable up there. His performance was choppy and he never found the groove. He and Rafael danced a couple of solos together, but I’m not sure if Magni’s guitar was plugged in. Maybe I should have had the sound up on my television. I turned it down so I could hear the White Sox game on the radio. The biggest question of the night was left unanswered, or it was answered but I didn’t see what happened. Would Magni destroy his guitar? Did he choose a Jimi song to entice him to set his guitar on fire? At the end of the song, Magni sacrificially raised his guitar to the audience, and it looked like he was going to perform some act of defilation, but the next thing I saw was him walking on stage without the guitar. What happened to the guitar? Was what he did so vile they had to censor it? Yes, it was. Apparently he took the guitar, coated it with margarine, started spinning it on his finger like a basketball and then ***** *** ******** ***** ********* * ***** ***** without falling down and then ** ******* ****** *** ** ****** **** *** ******** until it erupted and she smeared ***** ********* ** **** between ******* ***** *** ** ** ** ******** ** before Dave even knew whose sock he was wearing on his elbow. Evidently, Magni’s actions were too vile for this blog, too. The audience and Suave Porn seemed to like the Magni Experience, but I thought it lacked substance. Tlee thinks I’m ridiculous.

Patrice, time for you to go. On to the stage, I mean. Patrice told Gibly that she arranged Middle of the Road by The Pretenders especially for him. Or maybe she meant all of them. It sounded like she made a valiant attempt to dirty the song up. In doing so, she lost the edge of a maturing punk transitioning to the more mellow and realistic and aware realm, yet maintaining a derisive and scandalous attitude, so effectively portrayed by Chrissie Hynde. It was not enough to save her. To make matters worse, Patrice’s herpes was acting up as evidenced by the canker unearthing itself through her lipstick. Tlee must have gotten to her, which is the death knell in these here mansion parts. Nobody survives after the Tlee pool table treatment. Magni was nice enough to point out the blemish to her when she was done, “Oh, I meant to tell you earlier, Patrice, but you have a giant volcano growing on your upper lip.”

Toby, it’s you. Storm SHOCKED! Film at eleven. Suave Porn was shocked, too. They would have never asked him to sing their new romp if they had known the voters hate him. They proceeded to hire a new marketing director. Toby declared that he will never again take off his top. It’s gonna get pretty stinky, Toby. You may want to reconsider that vow. Toby went with Plush by Stone Temple Pilots because we haven’t heard enough of this song on this show yet. He sang it very well. He needs some help in the stage presence department. All he has to offer is some pogo mixed with the neo-rapper schlep. Toby added a drum interlude into the arrangement. Either that or the rest of the House Band forgot that part of the song. I think Toby will eventually break some of his fingers with the way he tangles the mic in his hand. I hope Suave Porn has a good medical insurance plan. Dilana's going to need it.

Gibly, please tell us how they all did. He was happy that Patrice was able to showcase her original song yesterday because it’s going to be the last time anybody ever hears it. However, he’s worried that she keeps volunteering for the bottom three. Magni’s presence in the bottom three for two weeks in a row troubles Gibly. He won’t be able to sleep this week. Gibly feels comforted by Magni’s killer version of Fire, and he hopes to weave a blanket out of it to help him sleep. Toby is insane, so he gets to sit down and think about what he’s done.

Bring out the Tommyhawk. BAM! There goes Patrice. Tlee couldn’t even look her in the eye when he did it. They must have gotten into some freaky stuff on that pool table. Of course, Patrice was grateful to Suave Porn for the opportunity they afforded her. Most people are surprised she lasted as long as she did. Not me, because I love her. But, I am giving her up. It’s not because she is bi-sexual and that I mind sharing her with a woman. Actually, that seems like something I could get into, and it would take some of the stress off of me trying to maintain the relationship. But, I’m guessing they would eventually team up against me and I would lose every house vote. I would end up having to clean the bathroom all of the time and I would never get the end piece of the meatloaf.