Rock Star - Aug 22 Moist Rub

My love life is in shambles. First, Brooke has some enormothrogs beat the crap out of me last year so she can feel free to get impregnated by weird guys in the street. Now, Patrice feigns being a lesbian in an effort to get rid of me. Well, it’s not going to work Patrice. It didn’t work for Ellen Degeneris and it’s not going to work for you, either. As Storm so crungingly sang last week, “I will survive.”

Brooke opened this week’s performance episode by sharing some time with the fabulous men of Suave Porn. She had just come back from her bowling night, as she forgot to remove her bowling wrist guard. Her average is finally over two hundred. Good for you, Brooke. Who could tell what she and the others had to say about tonight’s show? We were all distracted by their good looks and star power. Who really cares what the show is about, anyway? We Americans are content to look at beautiful people on the television, no matter how bombastic they behave. It’s same reason I go to my local Wal-Mart.

Speaking of behaving bombastically, let’s take a look at how our gentle rockers reacted to the happenings of the past week. There was some faux fighting in that durned mansion. Seems as if most of the rockers wanted to do their own original songs. Pray, there are only two to be had. Storm threatened to kick everybody’s ass. All cowered to her Amazonness, but not enough to give her an original. In addition to being part Amazon, Storm is also a little French, so she gave in. You know, Amazon’s would cut off one breast so it would not interfere with their archery efforts. Interesting. Magni declared, since he is king of Iceland (as far as the other rockers know), that Patrice has earned the right to go original, since she’s been in the bottom three so much, Suave Porn already thinks she’s off the show. Everyone all-in-favored-said-aye. Then, by some similar reasoning, of which only rock stars hopped up on narcissism could understand, they gave the other original to Ryan. I think it was because of the hood that he had surgically implanted onto his head, so they all thought he was the evil emperor from Star Wars and they didn’t want to feel his force rubbing on them.

Back at the CBS studios, where Bob Barker was peeking inside to see what all the commotion was about, only to find that Gibly had brought his dog, Chopper, to the show, which caused Bob Barker to report him to human resources because bringing pets to work is a violation of Code 47, section A, part 5 in the CBS employee handbook, and if Bob can’t have his red Swingline stapler, Gibly shouldn’t be able to bring his dog to work, and the ratio of people to cake is too big. I heard there was a run on sentences at the language store. Bob caused quite a disturbance with his whining. Eventually, they gave him a desk in the basement behind some boxes and took him off the payroll. By then, there was no time to interview the rockers about the song selection, so they jumped right into the performances.

Patrice – Beautiful Thing by Patrice Pike. I want a black Gibson SG, too. Patrice did her best Nina Gordon impression to fricassee her original recipe for Suave Porn. She added some Jodie Foster lisp as a garnish. The song was perky, and peppy and bursting with happy. Tlee found that to be disconcerting, but assured her that Suave Porn could make it work (if she were to make it past tomorrow). (Which, she won’t.) I can’t believe she made up that stuff about her diggin’ chicks just to get rid of me. Am I that horrible? Yes, I guess I am. Still, I thought she looked cute tonight. Maybe she could teach me to play guitar someday. You know, sometimes I imagine that she and I are walking in the park, and a squirrel runs up and nibbles the toe of my shoe, and I get a quizzical look on my face, and Patrice looks me in the eyes and says, “he must think you’re some kind of nut”, and then we laugh and we laugh, and in the background Herman’s Hermits music starts playing. Then she seizes my hand and bears down on me saying, “You know, I could teach you to be the man you never should be.” She finished by thanking Suave Porn for the chance to demonstrate her sound to a worldwide audience and then asked if they’ll mail her final check or can she pick it up at the front desk.

Magni – Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Magni added the Fonz’s leather jacket to his Princess Leia knit cap ensemble. It was quite eclectic. He must be from Europe. Magni still doesn’t have much stage presence, other than what his voice affords him, which is substantial but not comprehensive. Other than the Hey-I’m-singing-to-you-right-there-in-the-audience lunge, he pretty much just stands there. Dave thought he was awesome, because he knows how to effectively dole out the angst (unlike Ryan who drops angst around like refuse falling off an uncovered garbage truck with blown shocks driving on pot-hole ridden road). Jason enjoyed Magni’s energy that radiated all the way back to the Suave Porn perch. So, that’s where it went. Tlee admonished him for not hiding behind his guitar, which he should have worn and then smashed. Magni promised to do that next time. We’ve all heard that before, right fellas? Dave wants to see something eventually get broken on stage, other than Brooke’s water, which is why they’re ending the show on September 13th this year.

Ryan – Back of Your Car by Ryan Star. He wrote this song about JD living in his car prior to last year’s Rock Star, hoping to channel his wizardry of deception. The intro to this song sounded vaguely familiar. It sounded like some other song by a real rock and roll band. Let me think about this. Oh yes, now I remember. Yes, it kind of sounded like Hold On by the much beloved Lovehammers. Don’t worry, Marty. I have my bloated attorney drawing up the lawsuit right now. Luckily for Ryan (legally speaking, not creatively), the rest of the song did not sound like the Lovehammers – it sounded like Bush. Not to worry, Ryan. Old Gavin has plenty of cash now that he married whatserface from No Doubt. Man, why can’t I find me a rich chick with very low standards? Taking the advice of Tlee, sort of, Ryan launched his new Les Paul, very gently, and horizontally, so as not to damage the neck, to the side of the stage into a pile of minced Nerf footballs that just happened to be there to cushion the landing. Anything for rock and roll, except destroying free stuff. I’ll admit that the song was not bad. But Ryan did have a red tongue from sucking on a cherry Popsicle right before going on. So there. Feeling that Ryan has transformed himself into something unexpected, Dave decided to call him Ryan the Dark Horse Nebula, which lies in the southern constellation Ophiuchus (The Serpent Bearer), whose rear is also know as the Pipe Nebula. Dave is quite an amateur astronomer.

Storm – Cryin’ by Aerosmith. Storm, the singer capable of singing any song ever written, was not disproved tonight. After a benign beginning, as she seduced the microphone stand, Storm found the better level to be inside this song. Using deep knee bends and psycho eyes, she managed to stay there for most of the song. Dave admitted that this was a difficult song to sing, which, for him, they all are, which is why he plays guitar. Tlee thought the song was cool but requested Storm to wear less clothing. Big shocker. Gibly stated that she handles challenges well and suggested she try out for Fear Factor. However, when Storm re-introduced Brooke after her Suave Porn interrogation, we found out what the real future holds for Storm. She out Brooked Brooke and will host next year’s Rock Star: Buster Poindexter. Honestly, I think she would host this show better than the incomparable Brooke Burke. Storm is much more animated and thespianish.

Dilana – Every Breath You Take by The Pigs. Although the guitar effect made it sound a little Pretenders. Not a bad thing. Dilana instructed everyone in the audience to breathe as she started the song. This was not a problem for most people, but it ruined David Blain’s Rock Star: Drowned Alive stunt. He was rushed to the hospital with his lungs full of water. Before the show, Dilana was doing a little gardening and a couple of dragonflies got stuck to her eyelashes. Being the consummate professional that she is, she chose to accessorize herself around the dragonflies. Lovely. Until the dragonflies began mating halfway through her performance, which got a little disgusting. We were treated with some tender Dilana tonight, as she sang to her mother, who she has not spoken to in many years. Her mother disapproves of running by the pool, naked or not. Suave Porn didn’t seem to mind this, even though they crucified Magni for singing to only one person a few weeks ago. When confronted, Suave Porn admitted that they would have said something to her about it if she hadn’t already signed the contract to be their lead singer.

Toby – Layla by Derek and the Dominos. What’s with all the hoods? No more hoods and I mean it. Anybody want a peanut? Toby added a different kind of desperation to the beginning of this song. As the signature riff kicked in, he merged it with the classic desperation. I liked it. His manipulation suited him, and it successfully modernized the song with out blaspheming it. In a similar manner that Ryan took Tlee’s advice to Magni, Toby took Tlee’s advice to Storm and disrobed to expose his naked torso. Tlee was happy enough to see any kind of skin. Toby had written EVS on his chest, which, as we later learned, is an Australian saying short for whatever. As in, I don’t give a shit anymore about you dumbass Suave Porns. Naked as a half a jaybird, Toby rocked himself to the Al Roker den to be Pipped by the rest of the rockers. Then, he made his way back to the stage to pogo out the rest of the song. The pogo hasn’t contaminated this year’s show like it did last year, so Toby’s pogo was bearable. Dave declared Toby to be the Thunder from Down Under, which is an all male dance revue featuring sweaty Australian guys shaking their scantily clad bodies at drunk women in Vegas. Good call, Dave. Tlee, again with the “Elo, Mate”, spoke for the ladies when he said, “I have a rash”. Gibly didn’t care for Toby’s arrangement, but liked his performance. If you don’t have anything nice to say, Gibly, don’t say anything at all. Oh, I guess you did say something nice. Nevermind.

Lukas – All These Things That I’ve Done by The Killers. Lukas used his non-gritty, soothing throat voice at the beginning of this song, which is good for my nerves because whenever he starts singing in the constricted throat voice I think, “Oh no, Jason’s going to yell at us again!!!” Lukas eventually got to the constriction, but it wasn’t overbearing, so Jason left him alone. He wore sunglasses for a while until he had a conniption causing his body to convulse, which knocked the glasses to the floor. This is the technique I use to remove my sunglasses while driving, because it is unsafe not to keep two hands on the wheel at all times. Lukas teased the audience again by directing half of his attention to the band. Gibly roasted him for this. Lukas explained that it leaves the audience wanting more. Dave thought Lukas was unbelievable. I’m not sure if he was talking about Lukas’ performance or that inane comment about leaving the audience wanting more. Tlee merely said, “Check, please”, which caused my son to call me asking what the hell he meant by that. If my son had understood Tlee, I would have sent him to Betty Ford immediately. Jason thought Lukas had good energy, and, like I said, he didn’t bitch about Lukas’ throat constricting. It’s getting a little old, Jason.

The Bird Ass Beans were Patrice, Toby and Storm. This game is no fun with so few contestants left. It will probably remain this way since these three seem to have the smallest fan bases, unless Magni fans fall asleep again. As much as I like Patrice, I can’t see her surviving another week. Ryan still bugs me. They should let you vote against people on this show, too. No fair.