Rock Star - Aug 15 Moist Rub

Suave Porn needs to judge the rockers on their acoustic ability. Anybody can hide behind a loud, screaming electric guitar. Billy Joel has been doing it for years. Wait a minute, that’s a piano. No, wait, Elton John hides behind a piano. Wait, I don’t know. Ever since they went on tour together, I can’t tell the difference between them. Which one was gay again? Is that why Christy Brinkley left him? Uptown girl, my ass. Not sure what that means. Though they have not yet announced it, Suave Porn plans to dedicate a portion of their highly anticipated tour to a Peter, Paul and Mary revival. Henceforth, thusly and so, we were forced to experience these young rockers while they edaciously vined the acoustic jungle of rock tonight. Their ability to effectively bring acoustic freedom rock to the Suave Porn world is paramount, making this week’s performance episode the most important one in Suave Porn history. Jason has duly noted this in the Suave Porn annals.

Brooke looked like she lost another battle with the hair rollers. Or, maybe that was due to the prenatal hormones racing to her brain and spilling into her do. It is good to see she has incorporated maternity wear into her show wardrobe, even though she is not yet showing. Her fashion statement is a “burning bra” for pregnant women all over the world. It is also good for the baby so that Brooke’s dermal hair follicles get used to the coarse maternity wear fabric that could cause a full body hair strike if she waited too long to allow her body to begin acclimating, which would cause her womb cilia to react maliciously toward the fetus. My brother is a doctor, so I know about this stuff.

We were privileged to gain an inside look at rock star life in Vegas. Who’d a thunk it was all about shots of Jagermeister and bowling? Apparently, I’ve been a rock star for years. Admittedly, I usually have only about half the amount of hot babes hanging on me than they did. Then again, I don’t have a record company sending hookers over to the bowling alley on my bowling nights, either.

Zayra – Lluvia De Mar by Zayra. I thought Zayra was going to be scarred for life when she got wasted at the Playboy mansion last year and made out with comedian, Bill Maher, because she thought he was Verne Troyer (Mini Me). She wrote this song about his uvula to help her heal from that heinous experience. If Suave Porn could understand Spanish, they could translate the lyrics and discover Zayra is telling them to rid the show of her. Zayra changed my fantastical image of her with this performance. It’s not a fantastical image like Jason has for her (she’s a little too skeletal for my tastes). She portrayed some sanity tonight. It was sanity on a much different plane than mine, but sanity nonetheless. I don’t want a sane Zayra. Neither does Suave Porn.

Magni – Starman by David Bowie. Magni intended to dress like Ziggy Stardust but, being from Iceland, which is barley even part of above water Earth, he mistakenly confused the Bowie 70’s pop alter ego with Ziggy of newspaper comic fame. Hence, the bald head and stubby, girthful limbs. And the singing in voice bubbles. Magni’s treatment of this song was nothing comical, however. I was not laughing. Nor do I laugh at Ziggy comics, so maybe it was comical. Magni dug up some deep tonight, and stuccoed it all over the stage, and the audience and the Suave Porn. But not Dave. He sprayed himself with Teflon. Magni seems to have more ability than the other male rockers to imbue emotion into his performances. Maybe it is due to him being the only parent in the group, so he understands what true feelings are. Maybe he’s faking it. He is faking it. (Note to all women: men don’t know how to have emotions or even understand them, let alone authentically convey them in a song. Whenever you sense a man is opening up his deepest feelings to you, he’s faking it to get into your pants. I have painted this commandment on my daughter’s bedroom wall, and I make her write it five hundred times a day. Only, in Magni’s case, he has extrapolated this strategy to get into Suave Porn’s pants, which isn’t to be taken literally – it’s a metaphor. I don’t need the Icelandic government coming down on me for calling one of their people gay. They have lava in their cannons, ya know.)

Patrice – Message In A Bottle by The Cops. Oh, Patrice, when you sing it elicits such deep guarded feelings of vulnerability in me. It makes me want to cuddle and smell flowers and feel safe in your arms. See what I mean? And I’m not even trying to get in her band. As much as I like Patrice, she frequently disappoints me. She holds back too much. Belt it out, baby. But, Moist, you may ask, aren’t you supposed to hold back a little in an acoustic performance? How would I know, I’m not a singer. But I do know this, Babs, your uvula needs to come out. She needs to belt it out. Not her uvula, the song. She needs to do this every time. She also transgressed the number one rule of Rock Star: don’t pick a song that is sung by a person with a unique or weird voice. There is no way you can compete with it, unless you mess with the song, which can leave you at risk of being spanked for messing with the song.

Lukas – Hero by Chad Kroeger. And Josey Scott of Saliva (that's like spit that is still in your mouth - they should have named their band Spit That Is Still In Your Mouth). Here’s the problem with Lukas doing acoustic: camera close-ups on his face. It makes me uncomfortable to see his countenance contortions that close. I’m not a big fan of this song, but I think Chad and Josey and the pussycats made a stronger statement with it than Lukas did. Maybe it was because his lava lamp face distracted me. He tried too hard to Lukasate the song. He hit it on some parts, but missed on others. He is such a tease. Suave Porn dug his act. They also liked the nun suit he was wearing.

Storm – I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. I’m not so sure you will, Storm. She needs to stop trying to be what she thinks Suave Porn is looking for and be herself. I don’t think wearing her hair in a bun was such a good idea. That’s something you do when you paint my house, not when you audition for Suave Porn. Her voice sounded good, as usual, but it seemed like she was searching for the last donut at the nude beach. Of course, the most popular guy had it, but she didn’t know who he was. She will survive this blow, but maybe we’ll get to see the real Storm in the bottom three.

Jill - Ballroom Blitz by Sweet. Yet another scream until you impress performance. Jill looked more weather worn tonight, as if she had been drinking for a week straight. The lighting was not as professional looking as usual. Maybe she was making a Ryangst statement. I couldn't even see the band. There was a lot of guys with NASCAR caps and beards in the audience. I didn't know they were into this show. It wasn't until after she finished the song that I realized I was watching her at karoake night at a truck stop on the outskirts of Schenectady instead of on Rock Star. The poor girl. I bought her a danish.

Toby – Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel. This is a very difficult song to perform because of its 7/4 time signature in a sprightly B major. I remember in music appreciation class in college, the teaching assistant asked me to clap on the 2nd and 5th beat of a piece of music. I couldn’t do it, so I ran out screaming and went to happy hour. And stayed there. I never went to that class again. I still got a C. Luckily, clapping was not on the final exam. Toby faired a little better tonight. They scared us in the webisode that he would not be able to “Boom boom boom” to Gibly’s delight. He did. Speaking of Gibly, what’s the big deal with performing with him on this song? You could have had Esteban back there and Toby wouldn’t have known the difference. It’s not like Solsbury Hill is a mega guitar hero song, like The Macarena.

Ryan – In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins. What’s with the Genesis graduates tonight? Next week, all rockers will do Mike and the Mechanics songs. And maybe some GTR. Ryan somnambulated his way to mediocrity tonight. He’s got a bit too much of not enough Dave Matthews in him. Just enough and not too little enough to bug me. It’s like when you’re eating lemon chicken and it tastes like the chef used a lime instead. You know it’s citrus, but you know it’s not lemon, but you eat it anyway so they don’t spit in your food next week. Although, I did think Dave Matthews was good in Because of Winn-Dixie. Can Ryan manage a pet store? Suave Porn and Dave thought he was good. What do they know?

Dilana – Cat’s In the Cradle by Harry Chapin. She rocked it. She has won. Although, we said that about Jordis last year. Well, somebody did. I think it was Dave. Dilana needs to pass the Dream On test, so we can be sure. I guess Lukas still has a shot, but nobody else does.

As you can see, the acoustisode was a waste of my time and the Pope’s. I guess we’ll have to wait an extra day before he declares priests can marry. There is no need to bore us with an entire acoustic set. I blame Marty for bringing out the hollow blue Gibson last year for Mr. Brightside. The INXS thought it was a good idea, so they made everybody do it. Since Suave Porn is limited on original thoughts, they chose to lemming themselves. Enough. If Rock Star: Buster Poindexter chooses the same course next year, I’m done with this show.

The Bird Ass Beans this week were Zayra, Patrice and Storm. My bet is on those crazy Zayra voters to throw her a life preserver. Hopefully, people come to their senses and throw Ryan to the sharks. Patrice is doomed to stay there, get Tommyhawked, move in with me and raise my kids half of the time, so I can be free to rid the world of unused couches.