All of sudden, Zayra is a fucking genius in the mansion. They spend however many weeks this godforsaken show has been on ripping her and her spandex, but as soon as she’s dead they’re building a shrine.
Ryan: Too bad about Zayra, wasn't it?
Sid F’er: She got a lucky break. Yesterday she was just a nut in blue spandex. Today she’s the "Honored Dead".
Magni: You are a very cynical person, Sid, if you'll forgive me for saying so.
Sid F’er: [shortly] I forgive you.
Later that night….
Lukas: You despise me, don't you?
Sid F’er: If I gave you any thought I probably would.
Next, Dilana rubs everybody’s face in her nuts by telling them she was the first person to sing with Suave Porn. Actually, dear, unless they pick you as the winner, then it wasn’t technically Suave Porn. It was just a tryout that you can tell the bartender about between sets on your next world tour.
Storm thought Dilana sold the song, so now she wants to do it next. She even puts the pigtails in her hair to try and impress the boys. I’d let her do it, but I’m a sucker for that look.
Toby then continues his time-honored tradition of smashing cake in Ryan’s face every time he gets the encore. Ryan does not respond, taking great satisfaction knowing that Toby will be eaten by a shark some day.
CBS pays some journalists to come and pretend to care about our rockers and trick them into to saying stupid stuff. Here’s how it went down.
Lukas, when asked if he liked Suave Pornster music growing up, said that he first got laid to Unforgiven and the romantically melodic bass lines that Jason put down on that track. My first time was to Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson.
Toby said some stuff, but it was in Australian and I didn’t understand.
The bitch from Star 97 told Storm that she shakes hands like a man. She doesn’t know how close she came to getting pile driven into the pool patio.
Ryan said that Suave Porn is like totally unfair and they like Dilana better than everyone else and like it’s not right that her curfew isn’t as early as everyone else because, you know, she’s not better than everyone else even though she acts like it.
Dilana takes one for the mansion team and agrees to be this season’s weasel. She says: Toby isn’t in it to win and wants to get back to waxing his surfboard, if you know what she means. Magni isn’t in it to win because he’d rather be home changing stank ass diapers. Storm and Ryan hate Suave Porn. She offers to buy a bus ticket back to Austin for Patrice to start every day. And, finally, that she wants to strangle Lukas, or at minimum, punch him in the face.
Lukas is hurt when hearing of this second hand, gets further taunted by Miss Star 97, and in true rock and roll defiance exclaims “tough bananas!” in response to the failed interview.
Two originals and everybody pretends to want them because Dave told them they should. Storm offers to box Ryan for one of them, forcing Ryan to choose between looking like a pussy or getting his ass kicked by a girl. He chooses the pussy route, but I could tell he’s plotting his revenge for a time 17 years from now after everybody but him has forgotten about this humiliating internet moment. She eventually backs down and takes Cryin’ by Aerosmith just because she can. She celebrates by dry humping Magni poolside. Magni explains to her that they do have internets in Iceland and she should wait until the cameras are off before riding him like a mechanical bull. She claims she’s just dry humping him like a brother, and I instantly feel better about not having a brother. Toby pretends to want Dilana’s song so he can make her run naked around the pool. She’s into it since she claims to have “a hot body for a midget”, but someone else corrects her again by saying she looks like “a 12 year old boy with a wig.” Dilana fought for the song because it’s her mom’s favorite, and I’m sure she made mom real proud this week. I guess I don’t love my mom as much since there’s no way I’m getting nekkid for The Way We Were.
Dilana then discovers that Sting smokes about 4 less packs per day than her and can hit notes that she hasn’t hit since she started smoking in pre-school. Lukas classifies her attempts to hit those highs as canine like, while Toby offers up an extremely low blow by comparing her to the dearly departed Jill.
Toby takes Layla, and decides the song sucks and needs to be updated. Did he not learn anything from Jordis?
Storm decides to play dirty and apparently rolled around in bird flu before mounting Magni, as he is puking up internal organs and growing a beak while rehearsing Smells Like Teen Spirit with the house band.
Ryan shows up at rehearsal to teach the band his original song – a happy little ditty about the end of the world and whether one should go to church and pray or just start having sex with anything that moves. Despite all the Ryangst, it doesn’t sound half bad but Ryan isn’t happy with Jim’s guitar pick, Nate’s hair, and Paul’s underwear, which are all going to ruin his epic masterpiece.
Finally, additional clips from Media Day to take us out – the highlights:
Toby’s tells us that Lukas’ breath smells like ass, and Ryan admits that he likes reading Cosmo, Teen and Vogue rather than Maxxim. No wonder Patrice is trying to get the hell out.