Have you ever noticed during the intro there’s a shot of Jason walking down the street wearing one those skinny 80’s ties? I never had one of those, but I did have a couple of those knit ones. And nothing says fashion better than a squared off knit tie. It was just off the hook when I used to wear them. I’m glad Brooke reminded me of that new expression I committed to using and then forgot about. Regardless, Brooke introduced the recap of last night’s off the hook performance show. Unlike the producers of this damn show, I’ll spare you the details.
During the weekly Al Roker Den Post-Game Report, Dave wanted to know why people weren’t fighting to perform with Tommy. Ryan said something, but I really wasn’t listening, Patrice said something about wanting eyes on the back of her head so that she could wear two pairs of sunglasses at the same time. Tommy asked Magni how he’s going to like life on the road if he’s being such a wuss-bag about spending a few weeks in Hollywood away from his family. Magni offered to move the band to Iceland, so I did some research. There are only 98,239 women between the ages of 15 and 64 in that country, and the predominant religion is Luthern. It just doesn’t sound like a fruitful place for Suave Porn, thus eliminating Magni from the competition.
They woke up Ryan for the encore, and then forced him to play on one of those toy pianos that Schroeder always used to jam on. That’s what I would have made him do. The ADD medication I stole from one of my interns today made me especially observant tonight and I was getting grossed out by the amount of spit Ryan generated tonight. Apparently, this is not uncommon since I had a friend of a friend who was a Shure microphone rep and told me stories of nasty ass mikes she had to pick up as part of her job. Not the best dinner conversation, but she got me into the Pantera show that night so I excused her. After Ryan was done, we had a moment of silence for Dimebag Darrell before announcing the bottom five. They were, in no particular order of course, Toby, Jill, Dana, Zayra, Patrice, and Will Ferrell. Nobody is really sure how Will Ferrell got in, but he just wanted to tell anyone who hasn’t already heard about his new movie Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
First up, Jill. Jill didn’t want to talk about last night with Suave Porn and turned her back to walk away when Gibly shouted, “Don’t you walk away from us, young lady! You turn around, get back here, and tell us what you’re going to sing.” Gibly has experience talking like that because he has a daughter. She plays guitar y’know. Yeah, it’s a trip.
Jill – Alone: I told Mrs. F’er (who despise Jill more than I) that she would save herself. It was a great vocal, except for a couple minor, minor screeches leftover from the previous night and a lame, lame kick of the mike stand. Unfortunately, she would live to sing another day. Sorry.
Dana – House of the Rising Sun: Dana confessed that she missed band practice because she was at the spa. Jason thought that was so rock n’ roll he wanted to give her the job tonight. That must be how James Hetfield spent his days off. Later, we would learn that Dana got her first tattoo that day as well. I’m having a little trouble reconciling those two events. It’s like going to the free lunch buffet at the titty bar right after leaving Sunday mass. But I digress. I never liked this song and Dana did nothing to change my mind (but I bet Zayra could). My heisted ‘scripts kicked in again and I noted the rugby shirt that Jim in the house band was wearing. This is good, because I have three rugby shirts and was wondering if it was still cool to wear them (while I’m not playing rugby). I have them because the mall I worked at before I moved had an Old Navy, so I used walk through the clearance section on a weekly basis and buy all the stuff that nobody else would wear. A couple years ago it was rugby shirts and I scored 3 for $3.99 a piece.
Zayra was spared from the bottom three, but I still found her remarkably irresistible in her black skirt, titty wrap, PIMP belt buckle and green eyeshadow. Brooke who?
Patrice – Eternal Life: Patrice looked so sad after having let Tlee down I wanted to cry for her. It reminded me of little league one year when I got stuck on a losing team. After getting our asses kicked all summer, I was so defeated that the last thing I wanted to do was put on my uniform and do it all over again. I think that’s how Patrice feels right now. But like a little trooper she turned it up on a Jeff Buckley tune for a bunch of little Abercrombie and Fitch models in the crowd who had no clue who Jeff Buckley was.
Gibly’s Pre-Hatchet Recap:
Jill, you’re a complete idiot, but your voice is decent so you and your fake titties have a seat.
Dana, you were a mess, but now you’re not quite as big a mess.
Patrice, you’re a good singer, but nobody likes you. Even your boyfriend voted for Zayra.
Tommy announced his new witticism – the “Tommyhawk” – but Dana did not look amused. So it was off with her head and she was the next to go.
Jason had forgotten that already he already hired Dana after her rebellious trip to the spa, and re-hired her to lead the band based on her maturity. To me, it just looked like she really didn’t care that much. But there are no losers with Suave Porn and she left the fake Mayan Theater with a deli platter after saying goodbye to her more talented friends in the Al Roker Den.
Gibly mentioned the remaining rockers would each be getting a Suave Porn track, to which they would have to apply their own lyric and melody. Except Zayra, who will be performing an interpretive dance.