Rock Star - August 1 - Sid

You ever want something so bad and then you finally get it and you suddenly realize that maybe having a plexiglass window installed in your abdomen wasn’t the best idea that you’ve had? That’s how I felt when I sat down Sunday night and fired up the DVR to catch up on last week’s episodes. Everyone talked up Brooke’s Breasts so much, I think I was expecting to get my eye poked out. Sure, they were fine, but I was sorely disappointed. But it did inspire a tongue twister: How many branches could Brooke’s breasts break, if Brooke’s breasts could break branches? I’m not sure why she would be breaking branches with her breasts, unless she fell out of a tree or something, but I was having trouble working that into the sentence. But like Mrs. F’er says, “Enough already about Brooke’s breasts!” And like Tlee says, “Let’s crank it up, bitch!”

Patrice – Higher Ground: Despite a visit to Lukas’ hairdresser, Patrice is still cool. Patrice looks like the typical waitress at any of my favorite restaurants or bars. If you like going to Olive Garden, chances are I don’t care for you as a person. I haven’t mentioned her performance because I missed most of it after the incessant strobe lights on Tommy Lee threw me into an epileptic seizure. I did recover in time to hear Dave predict that 8 of the 11 rockers would disappear amidst the Suave Porn, and he seemed to imply that Patrice was neither suavish nor pornish enough.

Josh – Santaria: I felt like I was at some sort of corporate event where some suit hired the local Christmas party/wedding band to entertain the employees or clients and everyone ignores the band while fulfilling their obligation to make an appearance and have some appetizers, except for the woman in HR who tries to encourage everyone to dance. However, Suave Porn has not likely had to suffer through many of such events and seemed to enjoy it. Jason even delightedly sipped from Josh’s cup of musical-i-tea.

Dilanna – Can’t Get Enough: If was at a pool party with her, I would totally pick her when it was time for chicken fights. Maybe not so much for the water volleyball until I could test her vertical leap. The only other thing I noticed was that she has pretty good teeth for such a hardcore broad.

Toby – Pennyroyal Tea: I guess this wasn’t bad but I can’t stand this guy for several reasons. First, I can’t understand what the hell he’s saying. Second, I’ve always been jealous of foreigner guys when they come to America and get all the chicks just because they have a “cute” accent. There was a year that I got over my resentment long enough to befriend a little Irish guy that worked for me, and I made a pretty good living just off his table scraps. Finally, he does the split-fingered microphone hold. Which probably wouldn’t bother me if it was anyone else, but it just gives me one more reason to be annoyed.

Zayra – 867-5309: Can I get a “hell, yeah”! How can Jill live with Zayra and have the nerve to say everything in rock and roll has already been done? Like Dave, I spend every week laughing through her performances. But I’m not laughing at her. Or with her. I’m laughing in celebration of someone who has learned to just not give a fuck what anyone thinks before she turns seventy and goes to Wal-Mart with curlers in her hair and wearing a rainbow colored housecoat. I wish I were a little more like my superhero Zayra. Maybe I’ll start by wearing a cape to the office tomorrow.

Magni – Clocks: I’m not a Magni fan. I don’t find him as annoying as I thought I would; however, I think I do know what bugs me - he thinks he’s Bono. I’m kicking myself for not seeing the warning signs, such as using a single name, performing with the sunglasses, and meetings with the Pope. So apparently the Iceman has a new Ice-Infant back in Iceland and Suave Porn saw an opportunity to showcase their sensitive side by forcing his Ice-Mistress to fly half way around the world with the Ice-Infant. Hopefully they can find a refrigerated train car like they did for Frosty. I can’t be the only one thinking how funny it would be if they gave him the boot tomorrow….

Jill – Don’t You Forget About Me: Such potential. I was digging her outfit for the evening, and I was a Simple Minds fan back in the 80’s. But the awful racket that emanated from her this evening made Gibly’s assessment of “uncomfortable” downright generous. I want my cover charge back.

Ryan – Losing My Religion: Suave Porn gets it. I don’t. At least the piano seemed to take his mind off his kidney stone for a few minutes. TLee said the song would get Ryan laid and the camera flashed to Dana, but I swore I saw a come hither look in Toby’s eyes.

Lukas – Celebrity Skin: I spent part of the song trying to figure out why my knee is sore. It’s not like I was playing football last weekend. For some reason I thought of Jenny for the first time since she got booted. Then I checked online for a good salmon recipe. I think Lukas finished up as I was flossing. Dental hygiene is a priority in my life. Watching Lukas really isn’t.

Storm – Changes: Why don’t any of the girls I interview at work look like this? They’re usually all uptight and stuffy and wear white shirts under their jacket. I would hire her even if I needed to create a new position for her.

Dana – Baba O’Reilly: I’m guessing she chugged another beer this week since she forgot her shoes. Who hasn’t lost their shoes after a good night of drinking? I’ve been wondering if it’s too late for her and if the damage has already been done (pun intended), but look at Ministry. They weren’t exactly bad Sandra Dees until some of Al Jourgensen’s friends staged an intervention and played him some Killing Joke records. So maybe she will manage to stick around a little longer. I think it all depends on her tattoo selection. It’s has to rock harder than a rose on her ankle, but I hope Suave Porn can steer her away from the bad flash she probably thinks they’re looking for.

Even though the show was taped Sunday, Brooke just knew the response would be amazing. So to the bottom three:

My wish: Jill, Toby, Lukas
My prediction: Jill, Josh, Zayra
The early results: Toby, Zayra, Jill

My post would have been up earlier, but I had to replay Zayra’s performance about four times. And I’d love to stick around longer, but I’ve got get back to the screenplay I’m writing for us.