Rock Star - Mansion Show - July 31

For those that don’t watch the mansion show online, here’s how it works. You get a beer, open up your Mozilla browser and go over to suaveporn.com. Did you know that there’s like nekkid women on that internet thing? I was shocked. I quickly closed my browser, reopened it, went to leperpop.com and clicked the link to rockstar.msn.com. There’s a bunch of good links over there – check them out sometime when you’re bored. Then I realized that them Microsoft bastards rigged it up so it doesn’t work unless you use Internet Explorer. I’m sure it would if you flicked the right switch, but I couldn’t find it anywhere on my computer case. So I capitulated and opened up Internet Explorer and then found the right tattoo to click on to get to the reality show. It’s the tweety bird tattoo on Jason’s ass, by the way.

Then you’re forced to watch a commercial from one of their sponsors. I think it’s Bartyles and James Wine Coolers or Jordache jeans. I’m usually trying to open my beer with my teeth so that I don’t have to walk to the kitchen for the bottle opener. Then you’re forced to watch the same recap of last week that you’ve already seen 17 times – who rocked it and who sucked cowballs. Then you usually get the post game report from the mansion, where you watch them drink and mourn the loss of the latest dearly departed rocker, rip on the weak, and eat frosting right out the can. However, their server was jacked up because it kept looping back to the beginning. Either that or they were afraid to present the mansion show after they caught Lukas playing chess with Dana while Dilanna caught up on her scrapbooking of the Rock Star experience. So I jumped to Part II where Jason stopped in the mansion to make them watch their performances on a 64” screen Verizon Vcast phone set up in the living room. I guess that was considered a clinic. There we learned that Jill is defensive when presented with any form of criticism and will talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until you get tired head and just agree that she is Queen Princess Hellfire. We also learned that something really fucked up happened to Dilanna when she was a kid, since she started crying over her failure to connect with the audience just because one guy in Dockers up in the balcony who looked like her daddy wasn’t swinging his arms in unison with the rest of the lemmings in the well-coached studio audience. Patrice gets it. She realizes that even though her hometown hero Lance Armstrong is available again, doing her best Sheryl Crow imitation isn’t going to get her in Tommy’s pants.

Lukas discovers the songs this week, and, being the rebel that he is, he takes them from the song room without checking them out with proper ID and I’m pretty sure he even passed Go and collected $200 even though the note from Suave Porn told him not to. That’s how he rolls.

Song selection (Part III) was boring. Tommy’s turn to rock out this week on the skins with a lucky rocker on the song Higher Ground. Josh wants to do it, but he knows that Tlee is a big bully and won’t let him do the soulful Stevie Wonder version but will make him rock out on national television wearing only a tube sock. Patrice decides to take it and then flips out after imagining scenarios in which Tommy stops her midsong to ask her to make him some waffles. Ryan, who apparently has the ability to read minds, capitalizes on her fears by following her around the house chanting “Tommy Lee” in a barely audible, yet effectively annoying voice.

In rehearsal (Part IV), Zayra tries to explain to the band that they are failing to capture the punk rock spirit of Tommy Tutone. Storm tries to figure out how to do Bowie without being as boring as Magni. And some other stuff. You didn’t miss much.

Finally, after a hard day rehearsing, the boys hit the basketball court to show why they were picked last in gym class and decided to be rock stars instead. Too bad they suck at that, too.