Monday, July 31, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show - July 31

For those that don’t watch the mansion show online, here’s how it works. You get a beer, open up your Mozilla browser and go over to suaveporn.com. Did you know that there’s like nekkid women on that internet thing? I was shocked. I quickly closed my browser, reopened it, went to leperpop.com and clicked the link to rockstar.msn.com. There’s a bunch of good links over there – check them out sometime when you’re bored. Then I realized that them Microsoft bastards rigged it up so it doesn’t work unless you use Internet Explorer. I’m sure it would if you flicked the right switch, but I couldn’t find it anywhere on my computer case. So I capitulated and opened up Internet Explorer and then found the right tattoo to click on to get to the reality show. It’s the tweety bird tattoo on Jason’s ass, by the way.

Then you’re forced to watch a commercial from one of their sponsors. I think it’s Bartyles and James Wine Coolers or Jordache jeans. I’m usually trying to open my beer with my teeth so that I don’t have to walk to the kitchen for the bottle opener. Then you’re forced to watch the same recap of last week that you’ve already seen 17 times – who rocked it and who sucked cowballs. Then you usually get the post game report from the mansion, where you watch them drink and mourn the loss of the latest dearly departed rocker, rip on the weak, and eat frosting right out the can. However, their server was jacked up because it kept looping back to the beginning. Either that or they were afraid to present the mansion show after they caught Lukas playing chess with Dana while Dilanna caught up on her scrapbooking of the Rock Star experience. So I jumped to Part II where Jason stopped in the mansion to make them watch their performances on a 64” screen Verizon Vcast phone set up in the living room. I guess that was considered a clinic. There we learned that Jill is defensive when presented with any form of criticism and will talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until you get tired head and just agree that she is Queen Princess Hellfire. We also learned that something really fucked up happened to Dilanna when she was a kid, since she started crying over her failure to connect with the audience just because one guy in Dockers up in the balcony who looked like her daddy wasn’t swinging his arms in unison with the rest of the lemmings in the well-coached studio audience. Patrice gets it. She realizes that even though her hometown hero Lance Armstrong is available again, doing her best Sheryl Crow imitation isn’t going to get her in Tommy’s pants.

Lukas discovers the songs this week, and, being the rebel that he is, he takes them from the song room without checking them out with proper ID and I’m pretty sure he even passed Go and collected $200 even though the note from Suave Porn told him not to. That’s how he rolls.

Song selection (Part III) was boring. Tommy’s turn to rock out this week on the skins with a lucky rocker on the song Higher Ground. Josh wants to do it, but he knows that Tlee is a big bully and won’t let him do the soulful Stevie Wonder version but will make him rock out on national television wearing only a tube sock. Patrice decides to take it and then flips out after imagining scenarios in which Tommy stops her midsong to ask her to make him some waffles. Ryan, who apparently has the ability to read minds, capitalizes on her fears by following her around the house chanting “Tommy Lee” in a barely audible, yet effectively annoying voice.

In rehearsal (Part IV), Zayra tries to explain to the band that they are failing to capture the punk rock spirit of Tommy Tutone. Storm tries to figure out how to do Bowie without being as boring as Magni. And some other stuff. You didn’t miss much.

Finally, after a hard day rehearsing, the boys hit the basketball court to show why they were picked last in gym class and decided to be rock stars instead. Too bad they suck at that, too.

19 comments:

AMAI said...

I love you, Sid. You blog good.
How can I get my blog linked up here? I mean, once I start blogging.

LepLov said...

You are the master, my needy little friend.

I mean it.

You are a God!

Seriously.

I want to have your babies.

Well not really.

But.

Well, you know what I mean.

Anyway.

THANK YOU for the Sheryl Crow reference! It was bugging the H - E - double Toothpicks out of me about who that Sound of Music Maria-ish Patrice was reminding me of.

AMAI said...

It is a Mark Burnett show, however. Which is why a handful of viewers enjoy watching the editing and who gets spotlights and for what reasons to gain insight into which of the Hobbits are truly favored by The Three.

You could also get satellite and watch Monday nights 10pm Eastern Daylight Savings on Global out of Toronto. Then you can come here and read Sid's blog right after viewing it, since he puts himself through the rigours of watching the crappy downloads, which have the quality of not including everything shown on tv.

I love your description of the repetitivi-tea, which makes me puke and is a natural expectorant.

I do wish EPMB productions would get its fingers out of its asses and take pride in talking to other rational individuals who're capable of realizing that the footage shown is new but about the same set of events we saw last time. Spend more time on the editing. (Um, I'm assuming that EPMB has spies out here reading all the blogs and looking out with sharp eyes for diatribes and indeed the very letters EPMB, which in reality stand for E-Productions de Mark Burnett.

Thanks for the inspiration. That was 2 paragraphs' worth. Potent stuff, Sid.

L A Ray said...

there is still a mansion show?

AMAI said...

I'm with Zayra on her take. The way to get to hard rock with that song is via the punk route.

Speaking for myself, when I read the lyrics without trying to remember how it went, I realized that my earlier impression of the song was as an annoying piece of cutesie-pie about a boy who's got this girl's phone number and he hope she hasn't changed it.

It turns out to be he got the number from a bathroom stall, possibly a public facility, but possibly a school one. I don't know if the song can handle that issue. But it's a lot skankier than the original musical arrangement made it appear to be if you didn't look up the lyrics.

If she's seeing it as punk, at least she's coming at it from a new point of view.

Storm's most likely to win this thing, and then she'll make The Three into her hobbit bitches. LOL.

keysunset said...

eat frosting right out the can

THAT'S what all you great rockers do!

Thanks for taking it for the team and blogging this up for me. I think my head would explode if I actually had to watch this.

We shall see what we shall see tomorrow night when the "rockers" try to bring the frickin huge fresh rock.

That phrase is getting frickin hugely OLD isn't it. I thought so too ... ;-D

Seriously, thanks, Sid. Enjoyed your writing as usual. :-D

Kristy said...

stoopid rockers, don't they know the proper way to eat frosting is not out of a can but off an ass-cheek ?

del said...

Zayra tries to explain to the band that they are failing to capture the punk rock spirit of Tommy Tutone
Don't forget the band trying to explain to Zazoo that since she's changed around EVERY SINGLE SONG SHE'S PERFORMED, maybe she should suprise Supernova by singing a song they way it was written.

Naturally, she didn't understand Jim's point.

Join the campaign to save Zazoo! Vote Zayra and make Supernova have to listen to her every week!

Brooklyn Girl said...

Join the campaign to save Zazoo! Vote Zayra and make Supernova have to listen to her every week!

But then that means we have to listen to her every week, too! Ack! Although I could turn the sound down ... and the entertainment value would be priceless ...

ajsmith said...

I live in Portland, three blocks from Storm and The Balls' home club - where they played every Wednesday (for five bucks -- beat that) for years. To say that she's got a loyal following here is akin to saying that there were some folks in Guyana who kinda sorta grooved on the advice they were getting from Jim Jones.

A couple of quick observations:

1. Storm sings Bowie's Changes this week - the first clue you'll get to her pretty amazing versatility and her very amazing pipes.

2. Storm is the smartest and coolest person in the room - even in rooms way smarter and cooler than any already filled to capacity by the collective egos of Tommy Lee, Doby Gillis - er, I mean Gilby Dullest, I mean, oh, whater, and Jason whatshisface.

3. I read this week that in setting up the show, the band picked two contestants (Delilah and Lukas) and the producers filled in the other 13. Having a hard time believing that the aforementioned egos are evolved enough to go with anyone chosen by some punk-ass reality show producer.

4. If Storm gets the gig, she will not only turn the other three into her Hobbits, but also into three guys hoping like hell that by the second album they're still included in the CD's cover art.

5. I'm hoping that she wins the thing, and then tells Supernova "Thanks, but no thanks." Though I'm guessing that their lawyers have their asses covered in the fine print. Guess she might have to throw the finale if it comes to that.

Great job on the blog, by the way.

Sid F'er said...

Each week Storm continues to grow on me. Knows how to rock, has the voice, seems intelligent, and even looks good without make up. I think she's still saving something up. Hillmama posted a link to some video from SL Inc. that impressed us, too.

del said...

Guess she might have to throw the finale if it comes to that.
Even that may not save her from the Mark Burnett marketing machine. Apparently MiG's new CD is all covers. Not his idea, but he has no control, due to the contract he signed.

HR said...

If I were blind, I might like Storm. Because she really does have a good voice. I have tried to like Storm. But I do not like Storm. I keep watching clips that are sent around. Unfortunately the first one, Great Day (?), I watched and I didn't have the sound on. But I sat there mesmerized. In a bad way. I do not like Storm. It's the eye thing. I can't endure the eye thing. And the trying-real-hard theatrics. So I'm going to learn to be comfortable with the fact that her eye thing is the bobble head to my Jason Newstead and stop trying so hard to like Storm. Because I do not like her.

Sid F'er said...

OK, Sam-I-Am.

HR said...

Thanks. I feel better now.

Brooklyn Girl said...

I'm with HR on this one ... the bug-eye thing doesn't work for me, either. I like Storm's voice, but I don't enjoy watching her. She may come across better in person than she does on tv, though.

It's apparently hard to find the complete package. That's why last year's runner-up (I won't name him, but you all know who he is, and I'm going to see him and his band four times next week .. hallelujah!) is so great. He's got it all goin' on.

AMAI said...

Thanks for your post, AJSmith. It's nice to hear from a fan "who knew her when..."

Brooklyn Girl, come on! Dig deep. Zelvira (as Trixiego, a pal at Sucks) calls her, must be kept in for a couple more weeks. Plus, think of how it will annoy the Boy Hobbits!

I don't mind a little bug-eye, but I like it when she changes it up.

kc said...

I think Patrice looks and sounds like Sheryl Crow and Alanis Morrisette's love child

HR said...

There's something about Patrice that reminds me of the limpy lesbian doctor from ER. Fabulous!