Tonight’s show hit us with three blatant fashion statements. Brooke, wearing her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder dress, declaring, “These are my breasts, you likey?" Jason, with his new Lyle Lovett haircut telling us he’s still in love with Julia Roberts. And Tlee wearing the purposely constructed crooked looking hat trying to fool us into believing his head is constantly bowed in deep thought. About sex.
If you can take your eyes off her breasts, for a moment, Brooke would like us to check this out. For a change of pace, they gave us a recap of what happened at the mansion this week. Gibly had just received the Lady Byng trophy because he actually cherishes his daughter. All the women go, “Awwwwwwwww”. The guys all go, “I hope I only have boys.” All we can do after that is to go listen to some tunes – Suave Porn tunes. Lukas was excited, in here. Right in here. Point at your chest and say “in here”. He’s not excited in his feet, else he’d be doing the happy feet dance. He’s not excited in his trousers, else he’d be doing the Tlee dance. He’s not excited in his shoulders, else he’d be doing the shruggin’ to the music dance like that one kid in A Charlie Brown Christmas. He’s excited in here. And that’s where it counts. All of the rockers were excited in a variety of body parts. Dana summed it up best with her ugly wrinkle face after she said something really deep and ass-licking about the music.
“Let’s crank this up, bitch” – Tlee. Luckily, Brooke didn’t realize Tlee was referring to her with his comment. I guess she didn’t agree to being videotaped last night, and that made him quite irate.
Lukas – Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve. What’s the difference between The Verve and Verve Pipe? In my world, nothing. I’m sorry I brought it up. Lukas’s eyebrows were so arched in this performance, I thought they were going to connect, transforming him into Bert from Sesame Street causing him to start singing the Lumps In My Oatmeal song. His hair reached a new level of outrage tonight. I think his hair is acting as a psycho exposure meter. The more we learn about how disturbed he actually his, the crazier his hair will be. In a few weeks, when we find out he spends his time tying worms to his pubes and pretending to be THE PORN MEDUSA, he'll be donning The Donald highlighted by tiny flashlights embedded in his scalp. Yeah, he brought it, again, like Dave said. A little too intense for me. Jason scolded him for not opening his throat. Insert blow job reference here. Lukas gave Jason the “you just made the list” look. Jason will be dead soon, and Suave Porn will have to call in Billy Sheehan from his job at the gas station.
Zayra – Call Me by Blondie. Many of the lady rockers wanted this song. I guess they all wanted to be told they’re not fricken huge for Suave Porn. This is not a Suave Porn song. Shall I say, duh? Duh. Zayra lost by winning that battle, civilized as it was. She tried to distract the band by wearing her Catwoman meets Sgt. Pepper meets Flesh Gordon outfit. It almost worked as we watched Jason’s jaw plow the floor of the perch. She was a little sloppy with her micmanship. Tlee will have none of that. I was into her act, but Suave Porn wasn’t. I agree with Dave that she should go solo. I think she knows that too, but is trying to get as much exposure as she can (as evidenced by her outfit tonight). Gibly apologized for being lost. Tlee made an S&M comment. It’s good to see Tlee expanding his thoughts.
Dana – About a Girl by Nirvana. I didn’t want to like it. But I did. I missed the first few seconds of the song. During commercials I was watching an episode of Nova on PBS: The Elegant Universe. The show discussed String Theory and M Theory and other heady subject matter and anti subject matter (that’s a joke for all you geeks out there). You can imagine the brain cramp I got when I switched back and saw Dana’s yokel face filling my TV screen. Egad. Not to go Dave Barry on ya, but Egad would be a good name for a band. Rock Star:Egad. Dana served up some good grit in her tone. Even the slight Liza Minelli voice trails in the verse didn’t bother me too much. This Dirty Dana did not seem as contrived as the stripper prom queen routine she’s been cramming down our throats in weeks recent. I think it helped that she was sitting down so we didn’t have to see her labored body rockin’. Dana attributed her new “rocker” self to pounding a beer before she took the stage. Tlee – have another beer, Dana, and another one, and another one…I forgot to look – were her legs open? Suave Porn approved.
Patrice – Remedy by The Black Crowes. I like Patrice. I say that because I think she would be the only one of the chick rockers that would bother to talk to me in real life. Maybe Storm would, but it would be because she felt sorry for me. I don’t mind. That is why most women talk to me. Patrice is this year’s Suzie, except less refined and less geeky. She should have come out hoppin’ from the get go on this song. Instead, she stood on stage offering an uninspired, non-emotional and obligatory recital. She tried to shift it into overdrive midway through, but went back to stand by the band because she was looking for a nickel she dropped. Dave was bored and ornery, especially after Patrice questioned his own style on stage. To which he reminded her that he already has a job. Patrice has a job, too. She drives a VW van for aging hippies. Gibley wants her to be crazy, man. So do I. I thought she had it in her. Speaking of having things in her, Tlee didn’t have a comment.
Toby – White Wedding by Billy Idol. Billy Idol must need some cash. This is the second one of his songs so far this year. I wonder who will get to do Flesh for Fantasy. I hope Tlee plays drums on it. Toby was banging around inside this song trying to find the groove. He never found it. His hollerin’ on “Start agaaaaaain” hinted of helium-laced air traversing his vocal chords. Although, Gibly thought that’s when he got it into gear. Jason thought it was Toby’s best performance yet. I didn't, but I couldn't tell you which one is.
Magni (The Iceman) – Heros by David Bowie. Magni, The Iceman, because he’s from Iceland. Toby is the Ausman. Lukas is the Canman. The Canman can because he takes a little screechin’ and makes the world taste good. I don’t know where the other guys are from. Let’s call them all The Earthman, just to be safe. Magni, The Iceman, because he’s from Iceland, chose to perform with guitar in hand. I’m becoming a fan – an Icefan, because I put ice in front of my fan because my air conditioner is broken. This song doesn’t call for too much stage gallivanting. Magni, the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, expressed all the emotion needed through is voice and let the audience interpret the rest. This was one of my favorite performances tonight, but I don’t want to be too nice to him, so I’m gonna call him chrome dome. Chrome Dome. Tlee questioned the presence of Magni’s guitar. Magni the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, told him he had it so he could play along with the band. Tlee was enlightened and next questioned the purpose of the strings on the guitar (attr. Steven Wright). Magni, the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, also ripped Zayra by explaining he didn’t think wearing blue spandex was appropriate for this song, or any song, for that matter. Appropriate or not, Gibly stated Magni, the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, presented the song the wrong way. Since Gibly didn’t provide a proposed alternative, I figure he’s full of shit. Way to go, baldy.
Ryan – I Alone by Live. I figured it out. Ryan can’t hold a smile very long because his bottom jaw juts forward. This places exaggerated pressure on his zygomatic major muscle in the face which then spasms and doesn’t allow the orbicularis oculi to contract to reiterate the smile in his eyes, which causes any smile he can muster to look fake. This spasm also makes it difficult for him to maintain the lifeless smile that he can barely achieve in the first place. The poor guy. Poor him, what about us? We’re the ones that have to look at him. Ryan chose to enhance his performance by using the “I’ve been shot” dance. Look, I’m singing, but I’ve been shot, so I’m slightly buckled over. I’ll run over here, look I’ve been shot. Anybody got a band-aid? Help me, I’ve been shot. Ooh, I’ll climb up the drums. Yeah, that feels better. Damn, I’ve been shot again. It knocked me off the drums. Oh, I’m hit again. Ouch. Ooh, I’m buckled over with pain.
Jill – Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones, with Gibly Cluck on geetar. I knew Gibly wasn't enjoying the grinding she was doing. I just knew it! You could see the look in his eyes – “dumb chick”. You don’t have to put on the red light, Jill. Don’t you remember Chris singing that song to you in the first week? That horrible performance was for you, Jill. Don’t you remember? Gibly has a daughter. You should have remembered that. Once a guy has a daughter, he thinks differently about women and their place in society. Fathers of daughters don’t appreciate that sex object view of women any more. You don’t have to sell sex, Jill. Sell yourself as a pregnant homemaker. That’s what Gibly wants. Can’t you tell that by the way he was holding his guitar? You don’t know men at all, do you? Are you a nun? This song was good enough to entertain me in a bar. And, really, that’s all I’m asking out of life. I did enjoy Jill’s premeditated mic stand throw down and flawless transition directly into the stripper walk. I gave her a 9.6 on that move. Gibly whined about the grinding Jill did on him and the impure thoughts he had of nuns it spurred. Dave hired her as a Panic Channel back up singer because of the grinding. Different strokes, Mr. Drummond.
Phil – One Headlight by The Wallflowers. Warning – Warning – Warning!!!! EHH – EHH – EHH – EHH. THIS IS NOT A SUAVE PORN SONG, DIPSHIT! EHH – EHH – EHH – EHH. One Headlight is one step above Duran Duran in the Suave Porn song rating chart. Phil, is this your first day on this show? Wait, I know a way you can transform this song into Suave Porn material and win the boys’ hearts. First, use a lot of jerky head motion. Then do that floppy armed, no backbone saunter you are so good at. Finally, kill them with the “corner of the eye” leer. Oooh, I can feel the ROCK! Dave became obsessed looking under the seat cushions for the intensity. Tlee started to weep at the thought of watching Phil on stage for an entire hour. Jason grew an ulcer worrying about the head wobble. Gibly bit off his tongue from the madness and was speechless. See what you did to Suave Porn and their trusted confidant, Phil? What kind of monster are you?
Dilana – Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper. If you told me yesterday the Dilana would sing a boring song, acoustic-like, wearing a goth Hansel and Gretel outfit and I would enjoy it, I would have told you to start rubbing my feet. You could have told me anything yesterday, and I would have told you to start rubbing my feet. My dogs, they were a-achin’ yesterday, yesiree. It’s been posed before, but why isn’t this chick already a rock star? I blame the weasel record companies. Dilana is very good at using her eyes and facial expressions to connect with the audience. Dave said it doesn’t matter what Dilana does, she always feels the love, which explains that strange walk she uses on stage. Jason gave props to Jimmy, the guitar player. Jason likes Jimmy, or owes him money.
Josh – No Rain by Blind Melon. Josh doesn’t know what he is doing on stage. Let me try walking over here. OK, now what’s over on that part of the stage? Hmm, ok, bend down, look at that girl. She’s pretty. OK, stand up, look around. What should I do next? OK, I’ll do a little skip to that section. Oh, I think they liked my skip, maybe I'll do it again. That got them going. And when his floorshow didn’t work, he chose to act out the song with his hand and face. Point at your head and half close one eyelid when you sing “but it’s not sane”. That’s crazy rock ‘n roll. Dave felt Josh regressed on this song, and blames his relationship with his mother. Tlee bitched about the soul. What’s with the soul? Josh suggested they open up themselves to become more soul. Good idea, Josh. Ya know, we originally hired Al Green to lead the band, but he was too busy preaching. So, we came on this show, Soul Star:Suave Porn to find a replacement. Gibly is lookin’ for the bridge in the crunge.
Storm – Anything Anything by Bananarama. Or Dramarama or Ram Jam Bam a lam, woah Black Betty, bam a lam, Black Betty had a child, bam a lam, the damn thing gone wild, bam a lam. I’m not as hip as Sid, so I don’t know what this song is. Storm has the skeletal structure to pervade the rock that would be blasting out behind her, should she win this thing. I could see her jammin’ with these guys. She needs a little work but her moves are authentic. At least they seemed so tonight, especially the mic discard. I don’t know if the stage dive was planned, or not, but it looked spontaneous. I hope the audience respected her and didn’t touch any of her woman parts. She’s got a good rock voice. Show’s over, she wins. I’m kidding, of course. She may have earned the encore. Dave said she demanded attention on the stage. I meant to say that, but I’m not as cool as Dave is. Tlee – hell yeah. I meant to say that, too, but I’m not as cool as Tlee is. Jason said she was turbo charged. Yeah, I wasn’t going to say that. I’m cooler than Jason, especially since he got that Lyle Lovett do.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for inflicting you with EBT last week. I think the acronyms that permeate society are annoying. I am ashamed of myself. Instead of referring to the Early Bottom Three as EBT, I propose a more creative and meaningful name. Let’s derive together, shall we?
Early. Early Bird. Early Times. Early of Sandwich. Let’s go with Bird. Bottom. That’s easy – Ass. Three. Three Wisemen. Three toed sloth. Knock Three Time on the ceiling if you want me. Three is a magic number. Three rhymes with pee. Three kinds of beans. That’s it, Beans. From now on, the Early Bottom Three will be known as Bird Ass Beans. So let it be typed, so let it be done. That Three was a tough one. But I think we got it right. Good work, people. Somebody tell Brooke’s cue card guy.
This week’s Bird Ass Beans were Josh, Jill and Zayra. Unlike last week, when I successfully predicted the Bird Ass Beans, I failed to do so this week. I was watching physics on PBS, excuse me, all right? Try to expand your mind and people hassle and get heavy on you. Grand. Just grand. As for the final bottom three (aka Nebulous Fern Yurts – we’ll go over that derivation next week), I predict it will be Josh, Jill and Patrice. Patrice will probably be there based on the band’s reaction to her. I would choose Josh, Phil and Ryan. Zayra’s not done exposing herself yet.
Also, it’s good literary form to tie your final paragraph back to your opening paragraph, so here it goes. Brooke’s breasts.