Rock Star - July 26 Moist Rub

Congratulations to all of you hard working voters out there. You’re up fifteen percent. While millions of people are starving all over the world, you found the time to vote just a little more. To put it in a different perspective, fifteen percent of zero is zero. To put it in yet another perspective, my long lost cousin in Budapest died of a hunger strike last night. That’s not your fault. You voters didn’t tell him to hunger strike. Not all of you, anyway.

Let’s bring out the biggest hatchet in Hollywood. I got it. We all know Tlee’s got a big wang. Never hurts to keep bringing it up. Notice, every time Brooke says the word “hatchet” they switch the camera to Tlee. She’s aware of this, too. When she sees him picking his nose, adjusting his crotch or raising one cheek to discharge fumage, she’ll utter “hatchet” so that the world can share the sophistication that is Tlee.

Tlee began the review of last night by hitting on Storm. He loves a girl that can stage dive and wondered if it was Storm’s first time. Storm admitted, no, but she’s willing to fake an orgasm for him. Dave reminded Patrice how much see tanked yesterday. She heard him loud and clear and proceeded to tongue-sterilize his behind. With a shiny clean ass, Dave decided to attack Zayra’s fashion sense by asking where she obtained the space suit. Zayra claimed she took it out of Dave’s closet. Dave broke down and cried because he remembered when Carmen Electra gave him that outfit for his nipple piercing celebration party. Gibly brought back the focus by raking Zayra for her pop over rock ideology. She told him she found it in his closet. While Gibly tried to figure out how ideology got in his closet, Jason made fun of Phil for being soft. Phil made a good point. Two thirds of the songs they are given are non-Suave Porn. Jason made a better point, then why did Dilana and Storm take two crap songs and make them shine, huh, smart pants? Then, my son made an even better point. Did you ever notice that Jason is the only one that ever wears regular clothes? That’s right, son. He’s rich enough to go on the television and look as shitty as we do.

It’s interesting that they chose to speak to only Patrice, Zayra and Phil. Hmmm. Reeks the stench of foreshadowing, it may.

Back on the farm, Ryan proposed to Jill that she should grind on him (ewww). She chose instead to grind her teeth about how much Gibly doesn’t know about putting on a rock ‘n roll show. Yeah, what does he know, Jill? You know more than he does. Be sure and tell him that when you get back to the Al Roker den. That’ll get you the job. Dana claims to be learning from everybody since she’s only just dun gradiated the sixth grade. And she’s fixin’ to have a swim in the see-ment pond.

Back at the Al Roker den, we were bestowed the pleasure of witnessing a lot of whining about, well, I turned the channel. No Nova on tonight, so I turned back to find Gibly lambasting Jill. Evidently she thought she could talk Gibly into believing performing rock ‘n roll with a woman is all about grinding and live sex shows, just like Aretha Franklin does. Little did she know that he had played guitar for Heart, and Ann Wilson never grinded on him. You are all probably expecting me to suggest some sort of fat Ann Wilson joke, but I love Ann Wilson, so I won’t do it. I love Mama Cass, too, so there. Carne Wilson, not so much. So much for the fat rock chicks. Gibly wanted her to show him something he’s never seen before. Lukas stood up and pulled an oscilloscope from his jacket, “Gibly have you ever seen one of these before? I don’t know, they’re kind of cool.” Then he flicked it with his tongue. Jill persisted, claiming everything in rock and roll has already been done. Not everything, Jill. They still have to kick you off this show. Then, that will be everything. Dana told everyone to shut up, but she meant Ryan only. Still, everyone’s feelings were hurt.

As predicted by Nostradamus in the mid 1500’s, Storm claimed the encore. She began her rerun with a tantalizing butt shake, interpreted by Tlee as a mating ritual. Tlee, once again, doused himself in urine. Storm performed well, yet I sensed that she was on the edge of screwing up something at any moment. This made me feel uncomfortable, as if the jeans I were wearing needed about fifteen more minutes in the dryer. She didn't screw up. I commend her for not repeating the stage dive.

But wait, everyone, Brooke announced the bird ass beans – Jill, Josh and Zayra. Joining them in the comfort of sorrow were Phil and Patrice. They were all punished by being asked to stand so all could look at them. And look at them. And look at them. And keep looking at them, until one of them couldn’t take it anymore and volunteered to be the first bottom three.

Patrice broke first. And then she broke out. Am I the only one that has a thing for Patrice? Yes? Good. I give up at the slightest hint of competition. Magni gave her a pair of his magic goggles to hide behind, but she eventually discarded them in a flick of angst during the song. She sang My Iron Lung by Radiohead. This reminded me of the time Sid and I, et al, were eating dinner at the Ponderosa, and there was a guy in an iron lung also dining there. Sid’s face was broken at the time, and it hurt him to laugh at the poor guy in the iron lung. That’s what you get for laughing at people in an iron lung – face pain. Patrice definitely turned on the rock and roll attitude smog machine tonight. She roamed the crowd and made her way to the Al Roker den, where she gave butterfly kisses to Lukas. He returned her advances by flicking his tongue at his oscilloscope, again. She should have slapped him and walked back to the stage. That would have won the Suave Porn hearts forever. Back on stage, Patrice performed a slightly awkward strip tease (more of a disrobing than a tease, really), but it didn’t hinder her smack. I hope Patrice learned her lesson tonight. Always take some clothes of when performing – it helped MiG last year. On top of that, she should always air it out like she did tonight. Speaking of airing it out, to support Patrice, her sister in rock, Storm, exposed her armpits to the crowd at the end of the song.

Zayra got the pre-axe lube next, and she had a plan. She stayed up all last night looking for a song that would tell Suave Porn to kick her ass back to Honduras, or wherever she is from. Her speaking voice reminds me of Fez, from That 70’s Show (this is my third reference to this show this year – I apologize. My son has gotten me watching the reruns. It’s a pretty funny show. I also apologize for using two Son references in the same article. I will spank him for that.). She found that song: Not An Addict by K’s Choice. K’s Choice is a band from Belgium and is one of the most compelling bands on the contemporary music scene, according to their web site, anyway. Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics Zayra chose to sing to Suave Porn on this edge of the knife kind of night.

If you don't have it you’re on the other side

It's over now, I'm cold, alone

I'm just a person on my own

Nothing means a thing to me

Free me, leave me

Watch me as I'm going down

What are you trying to say, Zayra? Tlee: “I think she really wants to be in our band, fellas. I think she wants me, too.” This was Zayra’s swan song. She voluntarily laid her head into the guillotine, freely accepting the Tlee blade. She was willing to do this since Dave had agreed to be her manager and get her a solo record deal.

Before Phil could ride up on his white horse and save Zayra from certain Rock Star death, for she knows not what she do, Brooke had to torment Jill and Josh by calling their names first, only to tell them to sit their asses down. Ha! That trick never gets old. Phil taunted Suave Porn with some mocking head bobs as he approached the death stage, on which he hung onto Brooke for dear life. He tried to look self-assured, but we all know what was running down his leg. That’s right, little, tiny army men. Jason asked Phil to make him a believer. Too bad for Phil, he is no Neil Diamond. Phil attempted to make Jason believe with Smoking Umbrellas by Failure. Yeah, OK, ominous band name. Not knowing this song and that Zayra song, it seems I should start hanging out somewhere besides the local VFW hall. Was this song purposely written out of tune, or was that just Phil? Was it meant to be performed disjointed, or was that just Phil? Has everyone been asked to leave the show tonight, or is that just Phil?

Gibly acts as the clergyman who counsels the death row inmates prior to walking the green mile. He told Patrice that her voice has kept her on the show so far, but tonight she brought it to a new level, keep it up, man. Go sit down, little rocker. He also told her that Moist Rub has a crush on her. Gilby, I told you not to say anything!!!! Did she say anything about me? His words for Zayra haven’t changed, as he can’t imagine her in their band. Why do you think she sang that fricken song, douchebag? For Phil, Gibly commended him for his best performance yet, but questioned his commitment to the band. I pledge allegiance to the band of Suave Porn, and will not fight them for creative control, and will differ to them on all issues related to the musical direction of the band. That’s all you needed to say, Phil. Tlee robed his noggin in a devil horn hood and declared, “Yeah, what he said.” Good-bye, Phil. Zayra couldn't believe it. She will have to make banners on bed sheets next week to inform Suave Porn she wants out. Maybe she can write it on sticky notes and place them on her nipples. Tlee will notice that.

Phil reflected, in his closing comments, that maybe he was having a mellow day, which would explain why Suave Porn perceived his lack of commitment. Phil, days don’t last four weeks. Even on Pluto, a day is only a week long. Maybe you need to live on Venus, where each day takes about thirty-five Earth weeks. The show would have been over by then and you may have had a chance. Phil retired back to the Al Roker den, where Patrice disturbingly gave him too much of an affectionate send off for my liking. I’m going to cry myself to sleep now.