Monday, July 17, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show July 17 - Sid

Recap, song selection, blah, blah, blah, song selection, Courtney Love, blah, diapers, blah, blah, Chris, you’re the second one to go.

At the mansion, blah, blah, blah, yeah, Chris was the man, sip, gurgle, chug, I miss Chris, Chris was cool, man, he was just starting to learn how not suck, blah, blah, sip, toast, I loved Chris.

Lukas: I would have picked someone else.

Horrors! Everybody freeze! Did he really say that??? I think he did!

Murmur, murmur, Lukas, you suck, man, sip, chug, yeah, murmur, murmur, why are you such a dick, bro, sip, sip, yeah, now you’re going to have to tell the band who you would have sent home and why at the performance show, dude. Sip.

Jill looks pissed, even though they all know that Zayra is the one that should have been sent home. Everyone but Zayra. Sip. Toast to Chris.

Dilana then laments that she will never love again after the boys in Supernova broke her heart by following through on Brooke’s directive that someone will be going home each week. Good grief. Grow up, girlfriend – just because I pop the button on my Levi’s every time I eat a Brownie Earthquake from Dairy Queen doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it again. In fact, I’ll be right back…..

After getting their asses handed to them last week, Supernova sends vocal coach Lis Lewis to the mansion for the first clinic. Lis became a vocal coach because she was supposed to be named Liz, but both parents had speech impediments and the chick at the hospital wrote Lis on the birth certificate. Dilana is up first and in the spirit of William Hung proudly announces that she has no professional training whatsoever and breaks into a slow, dark version of She-Bang. Actually, Lis tells her that lower registers do not generate excitement or energy or some other “e” word that I can’t read in my notes. Dilana is forced to explore her higher registers in the same manner that Marty explored his softer side in Season One. She, also, is a willing student and will try to impress the band with her eagerness to explore her range until she comes in second place and gets back to what makes her and her fans happy.

Josh got yelled at for singing with his jaw and Lis threatened to break it if he didn’t wipe that silly grin off his face. Magni mesmerized Lis with his hypnotic Icelandic melodies and was sent to the Middle East to broker a peace agreement using only his voice. Patrice was runner up and would assume Magni’s role in the event he is unable to fulfill his duties. Lukas got yelled at again for trashing his voice and disappointing future crowds that would fill Wembley Stadium to see Supernova with him at the wheel. He didn’t appear too interested in song lady and wandered off muttering that he was not yet ready to reveal his other sides. Apparently the sides that aren’t such a dick.

Song selection time and the rockers turn this into a cage match. Next week I say they throw them into the Thunderdome and let them fight it out with some chain saws. Thirteen rockers enter, one rocker leaves. Last season’s crew looked like the mock UN at the local grade school compared to this gang. Josh decided he needed to rock this week and could only do it with a soulful Nirvana tune, so he grabbed Come As You Are as the others looked on as if he had just stolen some candy from a baby. I’ve never stolen candy from a baby because it’s usually already covered in drool and no candy is worth that. Lukas was too cool and too good to argue and would take whatever was left, apparently as long as it wasn’t that stupid Stones song that goes ba ba da da ba ba ba da da, because he’s too cool to sing ba ba da da ba ba ba da da. In the meantime, Patrice wants to do Helter Skelter and only Helter Skelter because it was a song that U2 stole from Charles Manson and she’s stealing it back, but Jill threatens to SharonTate her ass if she doesn’t allow anyone else to at least look at the song before she leaves. Patrice stands her ground amazingly well for a hippie chick, Jill fumes, and Zayra stands around looking confused, but not too concerned since she can spaz out to any song on the board. Or maybe not based on the faces of the house band during rehearsal. INXS might have kicked her ass for disrespecting an REM tune, but SN could be amused. I know I will be. Finally, Lukas drops into rehearsal and impresses the band with Let’s Spend the Night Together, but then remembers that he is immensely more talented than Jagger and Richards and shows the band how the play the song more better. The house band is afraid that Gibly will kick their asses on this one, but decide to give Lukas enough rope to hang from the rafters far from them.

Tune in to find out which lucky rocker picked the song on which Suave Porn themselves will be the house band. I know I can’t wait.

35 comments:

Wang Gyrrll said...

"I’ve never stolen candy from a baby because it’s usually already covered in drool and no candy is worth that."

I hear ya brother!

F'ing hilarious Sid F'er! Can't wait to see the sound bites on tomorrows show. Thanks for saving me 30 minutes or so of my life, dude!!

Wang G. said...

First!!! Woot!

AMAI said...

Sip chug bro.

LOLLERSKATES! I'm only one-twentieth of the way thru. I wanted to be first but I'll take third.

AMAI said...

Okay. Magni brokering a peace deal using only his voice? BWAHAHA.

I haven't got up to the Jill portion yet, but I suddenly had a flashforward: Alexis went for surgery and Dr. Will from Big Brother was in charge of making a new person out of Alexis and Courtney Love. Jill doesn't realize it but she is that devil spawn.

I'm diving back in, but I'll be back. Maybe I'll just skip recapping this portion of the show and put a link to here right up front next week. This is awesome, Sid.

AMAI said...

Only one member of Suave Porn is to play with the person who picked the special song.

I think Zayra was hoping she'd picked the special song on which a Supernova bandmember would be playing. Why else the elaborate orchestral preparations? Who besides me was waiting for her to ask which of Supernova plays the saxophone?

Anonymous said...

Slit!

Sid, say it ain't so.....

Anonymous said...

I meant "Split!," however Slit is also somewhat appropriate, I suppose.

del said...

Apparently the sides that aren’t such a dick.
How do you know the side he hasn't shown isn't more of a dick?
Next week I say they throw them into the Thunderdome and let them fight it out with some chain saws.
Do that mean we'd get to see a shirtless Toby? No. Then I'm not interested. Also, it would shorten the season and then we wouldn't have your and Moist's blogs to look forward to!

BTW, isn't that boy going to blog the reality show, because I'm looking at his contract, and I could swear we were promised 3 blogs a week from each of you during the show.

Sid F'er said...

The contract is obviously a forgery. We would never sign anything that would bind us to that amount of work. Even if we did, we have two solid defenses:

We're not competent.
We're not receiving any consideration.

But thank you for your support.

HR said...

What is that new picture, Sid? It looks like a cross between Crystal Bernard's dad and Rick Springfield...

Sid F'er said...

Since the beard is gone I didn't want to misrepresent myself. The new picture is Moist Rub's watercolor interpretation of what I supposedly looked like in the early 90's. Obviously a cross between Rick and Mr. Bernard on prom night.

del said...

We're not receiving any consideration.
I'd say you were receiving quite a lot of consideration as we consider what to comment on in the blog.

Unless you mean the monetary kind. In which case, that's not in OUR contracts.

Sid F'er said...

Right.

And lack of consideration is a valid defense against non-performance.

Defense rests.

keysunset said...

just because I pop the button on my Levi’s every time I eat a Brownie Earthquake from Dairy Queen doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it again. I hope they're not the button front kind or you'll eventually be in big trouble, darlin'

Thanks for the recap of the show, Sid. I don't think I can make myself watch .... but the blog is well worth reading.

I guess I'll be tuned in tonight for the performances though ...

Tooks said...

Tune in to find out which lucky rocker picked the song on which Suave Porn themselves will be the house band.

What are the odds that "lucky" rocker's gonna get molested by one of the Suave Porn guys? -- My guess is: pretty high!

Moist Rub said...

For the record, I did take notes on this week's mansion show. That's more than I did last week. So, maybe next week I'll write a rough draft (which is basically the finished product, since there isn't much time for revisions).

I like reading Sid's crap better than mine, anyway. I mean "crap" in the good way.

del said...

So, maybe next week I'll write a rough draft
Won't that put you a week behind and be very confusing to your readers, if you blog on this week's show, next week?

Kristy said...

Did anyone else notice Josh's naughty comment to the vocal coach, when she said lot's of people get me wet ?! *snicker*. I like him already...presents a nice smilie front but has the devil inside.

speaking of which, Sid has anyone told you that you look like JD outta drag with a little Johnny Cash thrown in ? : )


p.s. Moist , you should have a contest....put your notes on the board and let others write your review for you, with the best going on Leper Pop.

Sid F'er said...

Yes, people tell me all the time that I look like that guy from the INXS show w/ a touch of Johnny Cash. Almost daily. It's getting annoying.

Is JD w/Johnny Cash better than Rick Springfield w/Crystal Bernards' dad?

Kristy said...

Anyway you cut it you're still off the hook ; )

Moist Rub said...

Moist , you should have a contest....put your notes on the board and let others write your review for you, with the best going on Leper Pop

Right, and put me out of a job when y'all find out any bloke off the street can write this shit?

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

del said...

Hey, don't make us hunt you down and chain you to the computer during Rockstar Season. Or to one of us. Whatever it takes to make sure the blog continues.

AMAI said...

Kristy, I noticed! Unfortunately, my EpicCap isn't published until Sundays at Leper House (the message board.)

Sid, there's a lot of consideration going on where you're concerned. I'm considering the advisability of sending you these coupons for Free Brownie Earthquakes that some clown dropped in our mailbox.

Kristy said...

I'm not suggesting anyone or thing can replace a nice Moist Rub, just thought a guest writer might give you a needed break.....







.......lazy ass ; )


p.s. in all seriousness, we know this blog is a demand on your time and we appreciate the effort you guys put forth to entertain us!

Moist Rub said...

In all seriousness, kristy, you hit the nail on the head with the lazy ass comment.

keysunset said...

It's summertime and hot and people deserve to be lazy.

We love your blogs, Sid & Moist, but I don't want it to be a chore for either of you.

Anyhow, we'll see what the trainwreck offers up tonight, huh?!

Kristy said...

Lazy asses unite.....





....someday! : )

del said...

My ass has been far too lazy for too long. It's back to the gym for it and me!

Seriously, I love both you guys blogs. But I'd hate for it to become a chore for you. So blog when you can, and just ignore our whining.

Sid F'er said...

Cool - glad you understand. I'm going to the pizza parlor with Geraldo Cajones. Look forward to reading the updates when I get back.

Moist Rub said...

It's not a chore for me. It's the only outlet I have to keep me from going sane.

Sid F'er said...

I think I see a little Randy Travis in my new picture, too. It's starting to creep me out.

Moist Rub said...

That was only my second attempt at watercolor. That effin paint moves all over the place.

keysunset said...

gracious, Sid, now that you mention it, I see the Randy Travis resemblance too.

And hope you and GC enjoyed your night out!

And don't worry, like you said once, we'll be here when you get back.

Leper Hopeful said...

Moist , you should have a contest....put your notes on the board and let others write your review for you, with the best going on Leper Pop

Right, and put me out of a job when y'all find out any bloke off the street can write this shit?


It's a win win situation. If someone(s) do(es) a great job of it, cool, if not, then you can feel smug Moist.

AMAI said...

Sid, actually, I'm seeing a cross between Simon Cowell and Elvis Presley in your photo/pic.