Friday, July 07, 2006

Rock Star - July 6th - Sid

Brooke said the performance show was off the hook. I need to work that into my vocabulary. It will be totally off the hook. Just like Brooke’s outfit tonight. She needs to put on a clinic and show all women how to make that gland canyon. Off the hook, man, just off the hook.

Lukas established himself as the resident cretin by asking the same question that every single person watching the show is asking – who will be in the bottom three? Apparently he doesn’t give a hoot about the Miss Congeniality portion of the competition and hopes to make up the points during the swimsuit competition.

Then Brooke did the “tease me, please me, no one needs to know, tease me, please me, before I have to go” portion of the show. That one’s for you, Moist. See, he used to be a Scorpions fan. I don’t know if he still is or not, but who doesn’t love a good Scorpions lyric once in a while. Apparently Rocker Matt, but we’ll get to that later.

Oh, I almost forgot – Dilana got the encore for Lithium and did that running in place drill again. It should guarantee her a spot in Redskins training camp in case this Rock Star thing doesn’t work out.

But to the bottom three. Chris, obviously. This time he chose a Doors tune – LA Woman – because it inspired him to rock out and be all that he could be and reminds him of tiny seahorses. He lost me somewhere about the time his lips started moving. I think I was distracted with his new perm and the cheesy beginner moustache similar to the one I had in high school. Bottom line is that nobody should sing Doors tunes except Jim Morrison and last I checked he’s still dead. Furthermore, you should never writhe around on the stage like a lost earthworm unless you’re too fucked up to stand up anymore. Sorry about the language, but that’s how it reads in the rock star handbook.

Next up is Phil, who stated, “I didn’t think I sucked,” which is problematic on two levels. First, he’s wrong… he did suck. Second, even if you do suck you need to deny it with a little more ‘tude. If Rolling Stone says your new record blows you don’t write a letter to the editor. You prove him wrong by banging his girlfriend when your tour swings through his town. He chose a song by Switchfoot, which only proved that I’m an old man and not as cool as Tommy Lee since I had no clue who Switchfoot was. Phil didn’t sell me on the band, either. He also looks like he needs some calcium supplements since it appears that his skeleton is having difficulty holding up his body correctly.

Finally, Brookie Brooke Brooke brought out Matt as the third victim of last night’s home viewers. Matt, in an effort to show that he could rock, chose to sing a Duran Duran tune. Now if you didn’t see the show and you’re just reading this blog to see what happened, you probably think that was a joke. If I was making a joke, I might very well have said Duran Duran. In fact, before he announced his choice I joked to Mrs. F’er that it was going to be a Carpenters tune. I suppose if you tune your guitar down to a D, then even the Carpenters would rock. So just to clarify, it wasn’t a joke. Which is good, since Dave and Supernova were not amused. Jason was pissed because he knew the other guys in Metallica were sitting home laughing at him for having to listen to real estate brokers singing 80’s pop tunes. Gilby was pissed because he’s short on oil futures and took a beating in the market today. Dave was sitting in his throne looking like he just found nude pictures of his wife on the internet. Wait, bad analogy. Regardless, Matt did his best Simon LeBon imitation in a most artful musical hari-kari. As if the song weren’t bad enough, he did some jumping jacks to insure that he left no chance of resuscitation. DNR, baby. Tommy complied, called it and signed the death certificate.

Hopefully the remaining rockers will get over their loss and bring it next week. It should be off the hook.

14 comments:

Moist Rub said...

"As if the song weren’t bad enough, he did some jumping jacks to insure that he left no chance of resuscitation."

Crackin' me up, Sam.

Sid F'er said...

Gee, I came in here thinking we had a fan and it was just you. Not that I don't appreciate the comment. I do. I want to hug you now.

Moist Rub said...

Get in line, pal.

Sid F'er said...

Don't you need more than one person to qualify as a "line"?

Scribbles79 said...

I'll help form the line! Guess I'd better make a comment to save you from talking to yourselves all night.

I was all bummed about that dufus Matt forgetting that Duran Duran isn't really what Tommy meant by bringing on the rock, but now you've given me a reason to watch this suckass show every week. I'd just about forgotten how much fun it was last season to get your weekly recaps. At least this will keep me entertained until September. God knows the show won't. These hamsters are pathetic.

You guys are brilliant - keep it up!

Wow - this comment is so unsnarky. I'll try to do better next time. I'm way too tired now.

What's a SnarkGirl gotta do to get her website included in your links? I can suck up more, if that's what it takes. www.lovehammersfanclub.com. In case you're wondering. [insert little whistling dude here]

del said...

I'm not big on standing in line.. but I'd be happy to stand in back and heckle.

musical hari-kari Perfect description of the idiocy of choosing Duran Duran

Now, if only Tommy Lee had the balls of Trump and had gotten rid of all of the bottom 3 (or better yet, the useless 6).

keysunset said...

you should never writhe around on the stage like a lost earthworm unless you'd given up an opportunity to eat pulled pork, watch live music, and have fun with friends, to stay home and watch this show instead.

Ha! I get to do my earthworm imitation next week prob'bly. :-D Too bad they didn't send all three home ...

HR said...

"If Rolling Stone says your new record blows you don’t write a letter to the editor. You prove him wrong by banging his girlfriend when your tour swings through his town."

Another bit of genius and something we can all apply to our lives!

Nobody really seems to have any moves this season. Whassup with that?

Moist Rub said...

Give 'em time, HR. At this point last year, everybody thought Marty was a screaming psychopath.

Open your soul to them. All they want is to entertain us and be loved and get free fish. They're liked trained seals.

scribbles79 said...

At long last - we've arrived! A link at Leper Pop? Why, I'm sure that's worth a least a .05% jump in traffic, sid! Don't sell yourselves short!

Thanks, guys! ;-)

Sid F'er said...

No problem - we like screaming psychopaths around here.

bibi said...

I've missed you guys and the Mrs. too ... Remember Phoebe last summer? We were so close ... And Marty ... Who is that bat chick now doing Lithium? Don't you move over ... da da da dum ...

Re the songs that make us sing ... gasp ... I dunno ... the songs suck ...

Hamsters unite and revolt ...

And Tommy Lee and his tumescence ...did I spell that right? Son of one of my best friends just lost his virginity at 15 down in Florida and so I gave him our (our family's) 1994 Playboy with Pamela Anderson on the cover and inside ... Told him, boy, this is a classic, bring it on back .... A year has gone by and I'm hoping I can post this without being turned in or scolded. Tommy Lee, what a bad bad boy you are ... I also gave the child some classic American literature to read ... you know, Hemingway, Fitzgerald etc. This used to be the way with boys ... bit of pleasure bit of lit ... now who knows?

Mehgs said...

I have loved all the entries on this blog so much over the past year that I actually forgot it all started with Rockstar. It's like a double treat for me now because I get to read some of my favorite bloggers writing about one of my favorite shows.

And I still want to see the Rat's Ass Onion Bloomer.

Please Stop, Ellie Mae said...

Ahh! Ahh! F*cking Chris and his Carrie from Sex and the City hairdo! Didn't the floor crawl get about as old as the Macarena last season?? There's nothing I hate more than people who don't know where their limitations are.

Lovely posts. Looking forward to the laughs this season!

CN