Rock Star - July 6th - Sid

Brooke said the performance show was off the hook. I need to work that into my vocabulary. It will be totally off the hook. Just like Brooke’s outfit tonight. She needs to put on a clinic and show all women how to make that gland canyon. Off the hook, man, just off the hook.

Lukas established himself as the resident cretin by asking the same question that every single person watching the show is asking – who will be in the bottom three? Apparently he doesn’t give a hoot about the Miss Congeniality portion of the competition and hopes to make up the points during the swimsuit competition.

Then Brooke did the “tease me, please me, no one needs to know, tease me, please me, before I have to go” portion of the show. That one’s for you, Moist. See, he used to be a Scorpions fan. I don’t know if he still is or not, but who doesn’t love a good Scorpions lyric once in a while. Apparently Rocker Matt, but we’ll get to that later.

Oh, I almost forgot – Dilana got the encore for Lithium and did that running in place drill again. It should guarantee her a spot in Redskins training camp in case this Rock Star thing doesn’t work out.

But to the bottom three. Chris, obviously. This time he chose a Doors tune – LA Woman – because it inspired him to rock out and be all that he could be and reminds him of tiny seahorses. He lost me somewhere about the time his lips started moving. I think I was distracted with his new perm and the cheesy beginner moustache similar to the one I had in high school. Bottom line is that nobody should sing Doors tunes except Jim Morrison and last I checked he’s still dead. Furthermore, you should never writhe around on the stage like a lost earthworm unless you’re too fucked up to stand up anymore. Sorry about the language, but that’s how it reads in the rock star handbook.

Next up is Phil, who stated, “I didn’t think I sucked,” which is problematic on two levels. First, he’s wrong… he did suck. Second, even if you do suck you need to deny it with a little more ‘tude. If Rolling Stone says your new record blows you don’t write a letter to the editor. You prove him wrong by banging his girlfriend when your tour swings through his town. He chose a song by Switchfoot, which only proved that I’m an old man and not as cool as Tommy Lee since I had no clue who Switchfoot was. Phil didn’t sell me on the band, either. He also looks like he needs some calcium supplements since it appears that his skeleton is having difficulty holding up his body correctly.

Finally, Brookie Brooke Brooke brought out Matt as the third victim of last night’s home viewers. Matt, in an effort to show that he could rock, chose to sing a Duran Duran tune. Now if you didn’t see the show and you’re just reading this blog to see what happened, you probably think that was a joke. If I was making a joke, I might very well have said Duran Duran. In fact, before he announced his choice I joked to Mrs. F’er that it was going to be a Carpenters tune. I suppose if you tune your guitar down to a D, then even the Carpenters would rock. So just to clarify, it wasn’t a joke. Which is good, since Dave and Supernova were not amused. Jason was pissed because he knew the other guys in Metallica were sitting home laughing at him for having to listen to real estate brokers singing 80’s pop tunes. Gilby was pissed because he’s short on oil futures and took a beating in the market today. Dave was sitting in his throne looking like he just found nude pictures of his wife on the internet. Wait, bad analogy. Regardless, Matt did his best Simon LeBon imitation in a most artful musical hari-kari. As if the song weren’t bad enough, he did some jumping jacks to insure that he left no chance of resuscitation. DNR, baby. Tommy complied, called it and signed the death certificate.

Hopefully the remaining rockers will get over their loss and bring it next week. It should be off the hook.