It is hard to believe that, with exception of those born in the last few hours or so, everyone on Earth has been living most of our lives without the Rock Star show. If you didn’t have a reason to live before tonight, you do now. Our calling is to abandon everything and help Tommy Lee find a singer for his band, Supernova. Or is that SuperNova? Or Super Nova? Or maybe Su Pernova (which means “your pernova” in Spanish – Zayra knows that). Incidentally, an anagram of Supernova (and for Su Pernova, for that matter) is Suave Porn, which is something Tommy Lee is looking to achieve to make up for that raunchy video he made with Pamela Anderson. His plan is divulged in the subplot of The DaVinci Code. You have to really pay attention to see it. Although, maybe Tommy wanted to call the band Suave Porn and merely spelled it wrong.
Brooke Burke welcomed us wearing a dress made out of polished hewn beer cans. She used the cans of Busch Light she drank in her trailer during the off-season to make the dress. She also appeared to have lost a fight with a curling iron wielding maniac. Besides that, she looked good.
In an effort to make the new contestants look good, like Brooke, they showed us some clips of JD, the homeless rock star from last year, as he bamboozled the INXS into thinking worldwide JDidiots could support them in a world tour and their comeback album. After that torment, Tommy Lee, who looks like the drunk uncle he we all have, who always seemed cool until we grew up, found out why he was always at home and realized we better make different choices in life, was asked to torment us with his vision for Supernova. He proclaimed that Supernova is a “clash of stars”. I am not Bill Nye the Science Guy (although I would like to be), but I’m pretty sure a supernova involves one star blowing up, kind of like Gilbey Clarke’s ex-frontjagoff, and not multiple stars stumbling over one another on a tv show. Because of this, I refuse to refer to the band by that name. Instead I dub thee Suave Porn, its given and unmisspelled name. Speaking of Gilbey, is that L’Oreal or Miss Clairol? Gilbey? Gibley? Never thought that would pass as a rock and roll name. But, it does. Nice work. And then there is Jason Newstead, one of the coolest bassists, ever. Metallica didn’t miss a beat with him after the bus fell on Cliff. You gotta respect that (not the falling of the bus, the not missing a beat). Also, he was the only one in Metallica that could do a lay up without looking like a dork burn-out. So, there is the band. Oh, yeah, there is also the producer guy on the critique panel with the band. Do you know why there is a sound proof glass between the musicians and the producer? It’s so we, the listening public, don’t have to listen the producer. I expect the same on this show. So, I will ignore him until he gives me a reason not to. Although, if I’m ignoring him, how will I know if he says anything worthwhile. Gee, sounds like a bit of a conundrum I’ve made for myself. Stay tuned to see what happens there.
Next, Brooke and Dave Navarro had verbal sex, which flummoxed Brooke into mistakenly thinking she needed to ask Tommy Lee another question. What’s at stake here, oh wise one of the skins? His response – “Fricken huge”. I need to remember that the next time a V.P. at work asks me if I know what’s at stake if a given project is not competed on time. I’ll answer, “fricken huge”, and be promptly promoted. And then, getting back to his drunk uncle persona, Tommy added, “y’all better buckle up.” That’s the first thing they teach you in Rock School – you gotta buckle up. After you conquered the buckling up, start working on the hunkering down. Brooke, trying to gain some sanity, directed the next question to Jason, the seemingly most lucid of the bunch. She asked him what the band was going to sound like, to which he stammered, “Rock and Roll.” So much for lucidity. It was then I turned off the TV and began scraping my head on the patio.
As blood dripped down my face, the rockers emerged on stage.
Storm Large – Pinball Wizard by The Who. She stated people have criticized her for selling sexuality instead of talent. So what? Who doesn’t? People don’t sell talent. You are supposed to share talent. At least in my commune, you do. I’m guessing most people are put off a bit with her name. Sure, it’s your real name, they’ll say. Again, I say, so what? Does it matter that Pat Boone’s name was really Patrick Boone? No, we love him regardless, and we should give Storm (who’s real name is Squall) the same respect. Whether it’s real or fabricated, the bottom line is that her name is dumb. Dumb people shouldn’t be allowed to give people names. I’m included in that group, as I was not allowed to name my children. Left to my druthers, they would be named Fire Bad and Jello Squishy. I like Storm. She did well and she can rock. And, as her post-performance interview indicated, she doesn’t like sloppy-second mic’s, so wash yourselves, fellas.
Ryan Star – Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. The first song I ever heard by the Goo Goo Dolls was Only One. They sounded promising at that point. Then they learned that not only does sex sell, so does cuddling, from which Iris was spawned. Blah. Ryan Star (yeah, that’s his real name, too, I suppose, Mr. Subliminal) claims to be honest and pretends to be humble, but he can’t play guitar and sing at the same time without looking like Adam Sandler singing The Thanksgiving Song. So, what good is being humble and honest? His hair looked like a faux-comb over. He does that so that when he does start thinning, we won’t notice (not that we’ll even remember who he is by then). His voice sounded good, but his approach was contrived. Dave fell for his psuedo-passion in the performance, but I didn’t. But I did fall for the comb over. Tommy Lee gave Ryan some inspired feedback: “real good”, he said as he slumped in his chair in an attempt to muffle a fart. Jason busted him for looking at the chords while he played guitar. The highlight of his performance was his innovation to the audience point. Instead of using a single finger in the prone position, he chose to use the inverted two-finger point. Nicely done.
Toby Rand – Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan. Heaven doesn’t have a door, it has a gate, so I have no idea what this song is talking about, nor do I know why this show keeps throwing it at us. Speaking of real names, Toby’s real name is Kunte Kinte Rand. He looks like a water retaining Brad Pitt. Probably ate too many Australian olives. I couldn’t hear him sing over my audible complaints to the dogs about having to hear this song again. He threw me off with his stage progression, going from standing to squatting to sitting to sitting Indian Style. I expected him to then lie down and pull out a blanket and take a nap, emulating death. That left my tongue hanging. I’m not sure what happened next, but my notes say, “Tommy is a dumb shit.”
Patrice Pike – Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane. Doesn’t anybody have a regular name? Patrice looks like the love child of Liz Phair and Mackenzie Phillips. She pretends to be a hippy by driving a VW van and not grooming herself “down there” (I’m speculating on the latter, but once she finds out who I am, I’m sure I’ll find out for myself, right guys?). Last year (they must have gotten two year licenses on these songs) Heather sang this song and I thought she whaled on it. Patrice did it better. I think she could successfully lead this band (based on this performance), but she won’t win. Her breasts are too small and she looks frumpy. Mind you, this is not me speaking, it’s those sexist pigs in Suave Porn. Dave told her she killed the song (so hopefully we won’t hear it again and can hear some other songs). Gibley can sense that she really wants it. Duh, dude.
Magni – Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones. There were a few strikes against this guy before he ever took the stage. First, he’s a one-named boy. One-named boys don’t work well in bands where the other musicians have an ego (Tommy Lee). One-named boys think they are more important than the band – Sting, Bono, Beck, Kajagoogoo. Second, he already has a successful job in a band. It’s not our fault none of the beautiful people live in Iceland. Third, he looks like a Hari Krishna Justin Timberlake. Thank you for playing. Then, he made the mistake of trying to let the audience sing in his first performance. The band isn’t looking for an audience to front them. There’s not enough room on the tour bus. His voice is ok, but nondescript. He’s not very good on stage, choosing to employ the potato-chip-up-the-ass saunter to navigate. On the bright side, he’ll be even more beloved by the volcano-ash ridden people of Iceland when he triumphantly returns (12th place is good for Icelanders) in a few weeks.
Zayra Alvarez – Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. Finally, a normal name. Brooke pronounced it as “zie-ee-rah”. If that is correct, Zayra should consider changing the pronunciation to “zae-rah” and become a warrior princess. She’ll be more successful in that profession. I’m not saying she can’t have some success as a singer. I know Sid would buy her album (and burn a copy for me), but I don’t think she’s got the vibe Suave Porn is looking for. I think it was a mistake to begin the song with a Spanish intro. Does she think she’s auditioning for Charo? Although the band seemed to like her, for sex more than singing (note: Jason's marriage proposal - there's no marriage in rock 'n roll - just sex). I’m guessing, they don’t intend to re-invent Bjork as a Mexican act.
Jenny Galt – How You Remind Me by Nickelback. Jenny Galt? Didn’t she used to be on Beverly Hills 90120? She used to be kind of cute – I guess the rockin’ out has worn on her. I didn’t like her voice for this song in the beginning. It was too folkish. Too Joan Baezish. Too Jewelish. Too Good Witch of the Northish. But, it grew on me. I liked her performance better than the Nickelback version, which isn’t saying much. Suave Porn isn’t looking for Good Witch of the Northish, even if she’s on drugs (which is why she was trapped in bed with spiders crawling on her during the mansion show).
Josh Logan – She Talks To Angels by The Black Crowes. His mom told him, “Josh, now when you are on the television, make sure you have clean underwear, use your manners and smile.” Smile so you don’t look like a grouch, not like you are an insane grub eater. The guy would not stop smiling. Isn’t this song about death, where the “she” is living some kind of drudgery spurned by the death of loved ones? How can you smile through that? He’s a psycho, I’m tellin’ ya. His voice wasn’t horrible, but I agree with Jason that he needs to prove that he can bring the heavy.
Matt Hoffer – Yellow by Coldplay. I picked this guy as the winner in my pre-season rankings, when I only had seen their pictures of the rockers. Do you know why I picked him? Because he’s got a little bit of Lonesome Dave Peverett from Foghat in his look and I thought maybe the spirit of Lonesome Dave was in him. Good glo-worm, was I wrong. It didn’t help that he chose to sing such a weenie song (even if Navarro does “love that song”). It doesn’t mean he can’t still rock out, but I’m having my doubts. So, he’s the one that bought Marty’s shoes on eBay. Like Josh, above, Matt needs to show he can bring the heavy.
Dilana – Lithium by Nirvana. This chick scares the shit out of me. Yet, strangely, I have the urge to ask her to dominate me and tell me to choke on it. I couldn’t decide if she was barking some Eartha Kitt with dabs of Christina Amphlett (Divinyls), or if it was straight Tina Turner on PCP. My fear subsided when she chose to end her paralyzed posture and run around the stage like a four year old hopped up on syrup. I haven’t decided if I think she has a chance at this band yet. It depends on how freaky Suave Porn wants to get. She’s capable. Of what, I don’t want to know. As for her name, it’s ok for a one-named girl to work within a band dynamic, unless that one name is Cher. She needs to see a dentist about those filings leaking out of her chin.
Dana Andrews – I’m the Only One by Melissa Ethridge. “It was mah ferst plane rahd”. It was also her first gangbang on a pool table. What does it mean when the primary band member is more interested in looking into the camera instead of your performance on stage? She grew on me as I endured. She may be a little too sweet for these guys. I suggest whoring out for the next performance. However, the band better watch the tape again to pick up on this glaring warning message she projected. When discussing with the band her ability to fly in a plane with them and such, she made a suggestion that she would be what would keep them alive. Run away. Run away. Run away, fellas. She’s looking to “mom” on you guys, and she’ll try to take away all of your rock ‘n roll fun. I’m not kidding. Don’t fall for her cute, naïve trap. You hire her for Suave Porn and you’ll all be using the correct fork and saying “excuse me” whenever you puke on the roadies.
Phil Ritchie – Cult of Personality by Living Colour. Dude, he is so dejected. So, he chose to relinquish his six-figure chemistry salary for the life of a rocker. Passion don’t pay the bills, my friend. Nice choice. He looks like a cross between Keanu Reeves and Napoleon Dynamite’s dork brother. His voice is good enough to impress people on a bus, but that’s about it. He has no idea what he was doing on stage, although he does have the floppy arm move mastered. Basically, he’s a pussy.
Jill Gioia – Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin. She posed the question, “Can Suave Porn handle me?” Yes, my dear – in the back of the bus. She is an illegal midget (a legal midget is under 4’ 10”) since she’s 4’ 11”. Not that that matters. But, being that small does present some problems. Like, don’t stand next to the guitar player, it makes you look like a muppet singing with Paul Simon on The Muppet Show. I think she was trying too hard to be powerful. It came across as screaming. Jason couldn’t think of anything to say, so he used the dynamite comes in small packages cliché. It also blows things up, Jason. Don’t hire her.
Chris Pierson – Roxanne by The Police. This was the big tease. Could Chris pull off this song? Before I get to that, let’s address this Jock Lives to Rock image. Chris stated that in rock, you don’t have to be perfect. That may be true, but you probably have to be better than at least fifty percent. He probably didn’t think about that when he opted to give up baseball where a little over thirty percent will take you to the Hall of Fame. Then again, in rock you can be a one hit wonder and live the rest of your days in wealth and comfort. Can’t do that in baseball so much, where one hit might get you laid that night, but that’s about it. So, did he pull off Roxanne? I don’t know. I actually liked his approach. It wasn’t great, but it was a good attempt to replace the reggae with rock. I think that merits him another chance. Of course, Gibley said he sucked, so that’s probably not a ringing endorsement.
Lukas Rossi – Rebel Yell by Billy Idol. He’s been on the street since he’s been 15. The poor guy. Ok, the job is yours because we feel bad. Wah. Oh, and his “weirdo” act is no act. That’s not make up on his face, he actually does look like a cartoon character in real life. Which is a good thing if he makes the band and they decide to have a Saturday morning cartoon show of the band, like Josie and the Pussycats. They’ll save a ton of money on animators. Lukas can play himself. I couldn’t pin him down. He’s a mix between Scott Weiland, Angus Young and Clint Howard. I’m telling you, he’s a cartoon. Take a look at a scribble from my notes. I think he’s got a shot. He sounded pretty good.
Thus ends our first performance show. The early votes had Chris, Phil and Magni in the bottom three. You know what, I don’t even remember who those guys are, so it’s probably a pretty good assessment. Let me look over my notes a sec.
Wait, I’m giving Chris another shot. I’d say keep Phil and Magni in the bottom three, and replace Chris with Zae-Rah, the Bjork warrior princess. I know, she’s got a “thing” but she’s not fricken huge for our band, Suave Porn.
The rockers I see as a best fit for what I think this band wants to be are Storm Large, Toby Rand, and Lukas Rossi. Throw Dilana into the mix if they’re doing some good drugs and want to get silly.