Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rock Star: Performance Show July 11 - Sid

Brooke reintroduced us to the best unsigned rockers on the planet – Planet Earth, that is. I seriously doubt it after week one, but she’s looking too refined to fight with this week.

Dave, in his Dr. Suess armwarmers, listened on as Gilby warned the rockers that the panel was too easy on them last week, despite Dave complaining on his www.6767.com blog about dipshit bloggers that say they’re too easy on the rockers. Don’t look at me – I’m just using this blog as an excuse to promote the great Crystal Bernard.

Magni – My Generation: My notes say “suicidal tendencies”. I’m not sure if that is how I felt while listening to him or if something about his performance reminded me of a Suicidal Tendencies song. It’s like he tries real hard and takes his time but it just doesn’t work out the way he wants it to. I say just give the boy a Pepsi and send him back to Iceland before he gets hit by a car.

Jenny - Tainted Love: I think she’s “almost” at everything she does in life. She said she almost made it big in Canada. She’s almost as skinny as Chris Robinson. She almost got voted prom queen and almost made the dean’s list. She almost got married a few years ago. She almost moved to another state to open a coffee shop. She almost has a good performance each week. Dave said she looked like she was starving and told her to go get a sandwich, but I wouldn’t worry – she’ll be almost anorexic but will never cross the line.

Jill – Violet: Last week I said I wasn’t very cool because I didn’t know who Switchfoot was. This week I feel cool again because I shared Dave’s uncomfortable feeling watching a Courtney Love impersonation. I was just waiting for her to finish up by flashing the crowd and getting arrested after a hypodermic needle falls out of her cleavage. Instead of a stick of dynamite, she reminded me of one of those dud fireworks that just ends up spinning out of control on the ground and sending everybody running. But it was all well worth it just to see the look on her face after they ripped her. It was the look that every guy will recognize as the same one your wife or girlfriend has when you really screw up. Bad. They can’t choose her now or it’s going to be a long, cold ride on that tour bus….

Zayra – You Really Got Me: Marty had the scary conductor, but she counters with the crazy homeless woman conductor. I love this nut. I want to write a spy movie starring me as the lead and cast her as the seductive double agent in her little catwoman suit. Unfortunately, the band finds her as clueless as Kramer during his brief tenure at Brandt Leland Investments, as she unabashedly admits that she has no use for a Motley Crue record in her life. It sounds like show suicide, but I don’t think the boys will get rid of her this week. It would be like hitting a girl – you can’t do it even if they hit you first.

Chris – Take Me Out: Remember when you had that awesome beanie baby collection and people were going apeshit over the orange dolphin and you could have sold it on eBay for like $75, but you held onto it and now you’re stuck with a damn orange dolphin that isn’t so cute anymore and isn’t worth the beans it’s filled with? Chris was never that cute or worth $75 on eBay, but my point is that they should have gotten rid of him when they had the chance last week. He tried the pathetic “I can change, baby, so just tell me what I need to do” bit, but it’s not working. I’m leaving him tonight and checking into the Battered Ears Shelter.

Dilana – Ring of Fire: Vampires are cool. Even cooler than ninjas. I confess I’m not very well read on them and the only vampire I really know is Santanico Pandemonium, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. But the coolest part of the performance was the wink she gave. A well-timed wink executed with ease exudes more omniscience and confidence than far greater gestures ever could. She knows she’s a rock star and the wink told us so. Note – Jill is still fuming on the sidelines.

Josh – With Arms Wide Open: I think if they pick him the Josh Bobblehead promotion would be a big hit with the fans.
Mrs. F’er: “It’s not American Idol, man.”

Phil – If You Could Only See: I watched for a bit while Phil was losing his battle with gravity before I dozed off. When I came to, I heard Jason saying, “Plant your feet and crush it,” and at first was horrified that he might be giving one of his goons instructions on what to do with Phil’s windpipe. But then I realized that Tommy would never let that happen to his boy. Phil is screwed here. It’s like when your best friend hates your girlfriend. You know it ain’t gonna work.

Storm Large – Surrender: I confess, Live at Budokan was one of my first albums and Cheap Trick is still a guilty pleasure of mine. But Storm’s arrangement and delivery seemed to suck the fun out of this song like a turd in a swimming pool. But not everyone can be Robin Zander, so I’ll give her a stay of execution this week.

Patrice – Heart Shaped Box: It wasn’t bad, but I don’t think it was as good as everyone else thought. I’m almost afraid to say that – like when everyone is raving about the clam dip but it’s obvious that it’s a little too heavy on the garlic. After all, you don’t want to piss off the vampires. But I digress. If you take away the house band she could have been singing that in the corner of Border’s Books and nobody would notice. Tommy even yelled at her for holding her electric guitar like an acoustic. He didn’t exactly say that, but it’s what he meant.

Lukas – Don’t Panic: I don’t get it. I agree with Jason that he growls too much. Reminds me of Teen Wolf when Michael J. Fox, as Teen Wolf, is in the liquor store and says in his demonic Teen Wolf voice, “Give me a keg of beer.”

Ryan – Jumpin’ Jack Flash: I can’t decide if he looks like he has a constant bout of appendicitis or maybe a kidney stone. Why don’t you just come back after you pass it, buddy?
Just when I’m ready to stab myself in the temple with Dilana’s hazardous ring, the show delivers the bangin’ dialogue that makes it all worthwhile:

Tommy: Show me some boat, bitch.
Ryan: I’m going to show you some boat.

I can’t wait to see how that pans out.

Dana – Born To Be Wild: I hope I don’t get accused of plagiarism here because I’m going to go with the obvious comparison to the naughty Sandra Dee at the end of Grease. But instead of landing Danny Zuko, Tommy stays in character and laughs in her face instead of donning a letterman’s sweater for our dear belle. And if I had a graphic design shop at my disposal I would immediately be pressing t-shirts with her likeness and new catchphrase, “I like clay.” Paypal $20 to leperpop@yahoo.com and you’ll be the first to get one if we ever get around to it. (Caveat Emptor: We won’t.)

Toby – Somebody Told Me: Back in 2001, the Ravens had an awesome defense. So much so that each week the game plan for their extremely spare quarterback was to just not do anything incredibly stupid and not single handedly lose the game. He pretty much followed that plan and they won Super Bowl XXXV (35 for you non-Romans). I might have underestimated Toby. He seems to sense the weakness in his fellow rockers and is employing the “don’t do anything stupid if you don’t have to” strategy. Well done, mate.

Early bottom three: Jill, Chris and Zayra
Sid’s Personal Bottom Three: Jill, Chris and Ryan with Chris packing.
Sid’s Prediction: Jill, Chris, Phil with Chris packing.

19 comments:

Jen said...

Good lord - thank god everybody isn't Robin Zander. I would have to eat a bullet.

and Sid - haven't you read the Snarkopedia? Those were arm dickies that Dave was wearing.

del said...

So, tell us how you really feel about this group of hamsters.

Oh, and I think you've pegged Ryan. He doesn't need a band, he needs a doctor, stat!

AMAI said...

Sid, your take on Toby is probably right, but I think he just connected with the song because his girlfriend was with a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend (and turned out his girlfriend really is bi-sexual and he only just found last week, hence the ease with which he sang that song.)

Are you familiar with INXS' video for The Devil Inside? Toby looks like one of the surfie extras. He'll screw up, eventually, but not until he's pushed.

Thanks for the blog!

keysunset said...

Love your in depth analysis of Rockstar:TrainWreck!

Nobody on this show is connecting with me yet, and if it weren't for the online commentary, and the House Band, I think I would have already told SuperNoooo!va they weren't "roit" and reclaimed my time on Tuesday and Wednesday nights for something more worthy.

"Suicidal Tendencies" - that's it! That's what Magni reminds me of - that "I'll Hate You Better" video. Just the visuals, I still don't care for this guy for this band.

I find it interesting that so many of us are putting Chris in the "you're toast" pal category. We'll see tonight!

Sid F'er said...

What's with all the Cheap Trick haters around here? I never said they were the Stones - just a good time band with some catchy tunes. Wang Gyrll ripped me earlier this year for mentioning them.

I limit my time at Snarkgirls because I don't have the Snarkopedia memorized and don't want to be made fun of. I'm very sensitive.

I'm enjoying this year's rockers - they seem to have provided a nice diverse group to make fun of.

I'm guessing a "surfie extra" is not a compliment?

Wang Gyrll said...

"...one of those dud fireworks that just ends up spinning out of control on the ground and sending everybody running"

Perfect! You are so good with the visuals Sid!

"...people were going apeshit over the orange dolphin..."

I think "orange dolphin" should be in the Lepsicon meaning something like something that was once kinda cool but just isn't anymore. Something like that.

Oh, and I did rip you on Cheap Turd but listened to your precious band and decided it wasn't as puke worthy as I once thought. So There!

HR said...

Chris. Ass-clown in the Scott Stapp mold. Please, be right Sid. (Why does everyone seem to be willing to grovel this season? Forget the boat, Tommy, where are the balls?)

Almost-Jenny! You've distilled her perfectly.

Oh, and the Hoff called. He'd love to produce your spy movie with Zayra. He'd like you to consider his video, Secret Agent Man, for the opening song...

Sid F'er said...

Storm wanted to bring her Balls, but they made her leave them in Seattle. Or Portland. Or from wherever she hails from.

Sorry, Wang Gyrll, I already have a date for the Cheap Trick show, so your groveling is wasted. And not very becoming. But thanks for the compliment. Some people have ways with words and other people, you know, just don't have ways, I guess. I don't even know if there was an orange dolphin, but who really cares? It works for me.

Yes, of course, the Hoff video will be used. It's all coming together so nicely. It's going to be the next Austin Powers. And then I can quit my day job.

Anonymous said...

Magni – My Generation: It’s like he tries real hard and takes his time but it just doesn’t work out the way he wants it to.

Classic, lol!

I think I caught whatever overtook you last week, Sid...Jenny rocked it in my opinion. It's cause she stole and wore Marty's magic pants. Hence the sandwich comment from Dave. As much as we love Martypants, we used to say 'go eat a cookie or something' all the time! She had the ho and hum all rolled into one.

K

Anonymous said...

p.s. I forgot to add no one is going to take the song selection as frickin' huge now that they made them sing Soft Cell, Creed and Billy Idol. Do the producers of this show even have any of the records the dudes from Suave Porn have released or were they in diapers then ?! Makes me mad they cut Matt for Duran Duran...
K

AMAI said...

About "Surfie Extra." First off, Toby really looks like the guy, so maybe his dad is fabulously wealthy and had his son cryogenically frozen until music could come around to reheating 80s Metal.

The particular dude was really mean-looking, so Toby WOULD have been "roit" for the SuperNs if they were planning to be a heavy metal outfit. Since they're instead going for retro-70s, it looks like Tobes will do better to finagle his way onto Janice Dickenson's Modelling Agency. I bet she'd swoon to touch his butt.

So, in conclusion, it's a fresh, new, retro compliment but I still don't find Toby all that good-looking.

Khajiit said...

Jen's Cheap Trick hate is well-documented over at SnarkGirls. It's so well-documented in fact that this past Friday I was forced at gunpoint to go listen to Cheap Trick at Milwaukee Summerfest, and then forced (again at gunpoint) to call Jen and make her listen to part of "I Want You to Want Me."

I'm no huge CT fan either, but I was pretty amazed at how well Zander's voice has held up. He sounded exactly the same.

Sid F'er said...

OK, another true confession. Last time I saw Cheap Trick was at Billy Bob's in Fort Worth, Texas. Sorry I didn't have Jen's number, otherwise I would have called.

Anonymous said...

Teen Wolf: The gift that keeps on giving

-gina

Anonymous said...

It's obvious that anyone who knows what the hell an arm dickie is cannot be looked to for a credible rock critique. Robin Zander spits upon you.

AMAI said...

Well, people who anonymously diss others for knowing about arm dickies while critiquing rock probably own Backstreet Boys albums.

Anonymous said...

Wrong. If I owned Backstreet Boys albums I would've known what an arm dickie was. Gee, you chicks sure can dish out the snark but evidently can't take it.

Sid F'er said...

Cool - an arm dickie/Cheap Trick debate. I'm extremely and sincerely proud to have inspired such an absurd discussion. The world would be a better place if we just argued about that kind of crap instead of politics and religion.

All Men Are Peninsulas said...

I'm extremely and sincerely proud to have inspired such an absurd discussion.

What other kind of discussion could you inspire? jk


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