Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Rock Star - July 19 Moist Rub

The voting was massive. The voting was huge. Brooke needs to get it. Riding on a luge. It’s the new hit single from Suave PornDoin’ It On A Luge. Let’s get down to the serious business of finding out who sucks. Everybody on the show? OK, thanks for watching, see you next year. That’s not being serious. Stop it.

Let’s recap. Josh got greedy. Jill followed suit. Patrice came out fighting with Beatles fruit. Jill’s a contender. Zayra roared back. Dilana brought it together with a quack. Phil was surprised. Ryan had a struggle. Dana tried to rock garbed with snuggle. Toby was strong, but his performance was lacking. Keep this up, you'll get no Suave Porn backing.

Back at the mansion, they all reeled from the lashes. Some of them knew the reason for the bashes. But Dana was confused, and couldn’t take the trauma. Until she got advice from her Storm Dilana Mama. Her Storm Dilana Mama. Her Storm Dilana Mama. They said to open your legs and wave it at the boys. It will turn your fluff into their kind of noise. Then Ryan took exception to Dana’s kind of flow. He thought she wasn’t right for a rockin’ type show. A rockin’ type show. A rockin’ type show. Little did he know, they’d reveal his denigration, right in front of Dana and all across the nation. Dave called him out for being too direct. Ryan felt himself on the stage to make himself erect. To make himself erect. To make himself erect. Dana pleaded and begged for him to shoot it in her face. Ryan said he tried, but she shot him with mace. Dana now sees the seedy underneath. She has vowed on this day to kick them in the teeth. Kick them in the teeth. Kick them in the teeth.

Dave asked Dilana, why’d you help the whore? Dilana is her friend and ain’t threatened no more. She’s giving and loving and honest to the hurt. Dana needs an edge and to play in some dirt. Gibly scolded Toby for floppin’ this week. Toby stepped to the challenge and mustered up his beak. Once you start rhyming about beaks on people who don’t have beaks, not even in the metaphorical sense, and refer to the mustering of said beak, it’s time to stop. Jason questioned Josh, why so adamant. Josh said I did Nirvana, not Adam Ant.

Magni was given the encore since the rockers with an actual chance to win that have already gotten encores will be around in later weeks to do it again, and Magni won’t. Magni chose to put on his magic goggles again for the encore. They worked as well as they did yesterday.

Brooke got down to business and revealed to the rockers which of them were in the EBT – Jenny, Dana and Ryan, who received a chuckle of irony from the audience due to his Dana criticism. That actually made him smile. Maybe the audience needs to laugh at him more often. Maybe he should be a clown. Isn’t it rich? Zayra and Josh were added to the list of lame-o’s. Brooke demanded they all stand and take what’s coming to them like big boys and girls. Dave was flabbergasted that Josh and Jenny had not changed to step it up. This insulted the other three, but they didn’t know why.

Jenny was the first victim of public scorn. Tlee hates when it goes soft. He wanted her to make it hard. I wonder what he is talking about. Right, the music. Jenny opted for Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots. Wearing her best Eddie Vedder shorts, Jenny began to prounce around on stage (prounce – melding of prance and pounce). For my taste, she sounds better when trying to belt it out than she does folkin’ around. STOP FOLKIN’ AROUND! Her voice let her down in the bridge and it sounded like she was out of breath. She’s more comfortable trying to be Jewel than she is trying to be Suave Porn. However, with some training, I think she could come closer to what Suave Porn is looking for than the other two that would be the rest of the bottom three.

On the way too commercial, Josh was exposed standing back up from his seated position, after Brooke made it dang nern clear that the suck asses should remain standing. He is not a good listener. When we returned from the break, Josh was smeared with pig blood and chained to one of the fake Mayan columns in the back of the den with the rest of the potential sacrificial rockers. Ryan stood next to him with toothpicks in his lips trying to maintain his smile. Don’t mess with Brooke’s demands, dude. I learned that well enough last year when she was in love with me.

Dana was the next chosen one. The camera flashed to Dilana Mama whose countenance fleshed maternal concern. Not a good look for her. Give me the evil. She is so complex. Dana and Gibly conversed small talk, while Tlee turned his back to the camera with is right arm jiggling unseen. Dana decided to attack them with Sass Jordan’s High Road Easy. Sid originally turned me onto Sass Jordan way back when. What’s more amazing is Sid also turned my brother, Dr. Jellyfinger, who was the only non-gay guy I knew in college with a Lionel Richie poster in his dorm room and who thinks Rick Springfield is heavy metal, onto Sass. It makes me reconsider if I actually like Sass Jordan or not. Dana employed her best good girl fake strut to navigate the stage while she tried to show Suave Porn that she could, indeed, rock. She couldn’t. But that doesn’t matter because Tlee hasn’t nailed her yet. She’s safe until that happens. I did enjoy her voice in this performance, but my head was shaking like Jason’s, “NO! NO! NO!” watching her trying to transform herself into the evil Sandra Dee on stage.

Brooke shocked the world when she announced that Josh was the third turd. Josh received a back pat of confidence from Ryan, who, peculiarly, was smiling like The Joker as he did it. Something tells me he wasn’t being sincere with that back pat. Seeing Josh in this predicament also shocked Jason, who is considered as being part of “the world” even though he was in Metallica. He asked Josh why this has happened since he’s such a talented singer. Josh asserted that he needed to bring something heavy and ugly to the stage. He then announced that Rush Limbaugh would be accompanying him on sousaphone tonight, instead of Jason on bass.

Josh chose Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box with which to tempt fate. He accentuated his grunginess with a monster devil horn hand gesture, dude, as he began to croon. Yeah, that was authentic. It turns out, Josh, who I thought was merely trying to fill the show’s smile quota to make up for Ryan’s scowl, doesn’t actually smile when he sings. He suffers from Hoof and Mouth Disease and his jaw is wired shut, which is why he constantly sings through his teeth instead of opening his mouth like every other singer on Earth. I would like to apologize to all offended parties for making fun of a cripple. It was not my intent. I’ll let you know when I mean to make fun of cripples, so I won’t have to make another apology.

The Hatchet Man wears pink. Very intimidating. While Tlee was wiping off his hands, Gibly summed up the brutality we witnessed tonight. Jenny brought the edge back, but he doesn’t know if her vocals are strong enough. Dana can sing, has a good attitude, Tlee wants to do her, but Gibly isn’t sure if she gets it, man. Josh is a talented singer but why did it take so long for his vocal lava to solidify. Tlee announced that this is difficult for him since all of the performances were “OK”, and since they’re looking for an “OK” singer to front the band they were all tied. He axed Jenny, because he did her on the pool table two nights ago.

Among these three, I thought Jenny was the only one with potential to approach the Suave Porn realm, musically. With some more training, she could get there, at least closer that the other two. Josh is boy band (sorry you missed the boat on that one, dude – at least I hope that boat is gone), and Dana is a church/community theatre singer. They’re not bad, but they’re not fricken huge for Suave Porn. A butterfly can flitter around and pollinate flowers and weave chrysalises with wondrous aplomb, but you can’t ask it to charge like a rhino. Well, you can ask it to, but I don’t think butterflies understand human languages. You may have to use pheromones, visual cues and strictly choreographed flight patterns to get your message across. Or you can smash them with a tennis racket in mid flight. That’s always fun.


Sid F'er said...

I thought I'd come over and read the recap since it was already spoiled on that lame ass Leper Pop message board. Serves me right for missing the show.

LepLov said...

I missed most of the show but I'm kind of glad I did. Your re-cap was much better than I'm sure the show was!

"prounce – melding of prance and pounce."

Please add to the lepsicon, dear Moistus Rubicus. (That's your gladiator name btw).

Now excuse me while I prounce happily on out a here giggling all the way whilst remembering your brilliant words...


AMAI said...

The rhyming was fricken huge.

"[Josh] suffers from Hoof and Mouth Disease and his jaw is wired shut, which is why he constantly sings through his teeth instead of opening his mouth like every other singer on Earth."

Oh, LOL!

If Jenny is the only one with potential, then you must have been disappointed they weren't all three eliminated. I know she's wrong, but it's fun watching Dana try to become a woman right there on the stage. She'll be rubbing her crotch given a couple more weeks.

Great recap, Moist.

Uh oh.
I just read Sid's comment. Sorry, Sid. I figured you'd be working on your recap. It's my fault for posting over-exuberantly.

del said...

Let’s get down to the serious business of finding out who sucks.
That's half the fun this year, Dr. Seuss Rub, maybe all the fun.

AMAI, don't feel bad about letting the cat out of the bag in your post. I changed the title of the thread and also gave away who lost.

Khajiit said...

When we returned from the break, Josh was smeared with pig blood and chained to one of the fake Mayan columns in the back of the den with the rest of the potential sacrificial rockers.

Can we leave him there? For the rest of the season and for all potential future seasons, too?

Leper Hopeful said...

I second the motion.

Kristy said...

I third that motion.

keysunset said...

Moist! This post is freakin' genius!

I laughed, til I cried, it moved me, Rub.

BTW, you're not hardcore enough MR. Butterflies? Pshaw, we did that tennis racket trick with bumblebees! Oooh, Oooh, do I get the gig?! Huh?! Huh?!

Sid F'er said...

I'm calling PETA.

del said...

You just want to see Pam Anderson up close and personal.

Janonymous said...

I count on you to make me smile, to fill the aching void. With you and the other F’er around, I find I’m less annoyed. No rock, no roll, no suave, no porn, it really is lackluster. If this show were a Bond girl, I’d name her Vatta Cluster. I’d name her Vatta Cluster. I’d name her Vatta Cluster.

Last year, you drew me in with words like micturition, and now you try to hypnotize with cunning repetition. ‘My Storm Dilana Mama’ is a phrase I wont forget soon. It’s all good fun ‘til I laugh so hard, I hurt my kriegverletzung. I hurt my kriegverletzung. I hurt my kriegverletzung.

Now as I halfheartedly watch the trials and tribulations, I’ll be thinking in rhymes for 'dude' and 'crotch' – congratufreakin’lations. Congratufreakin’lations. Congratufreakin’lations…


AMAI said...

Rhymes for dude:


Rhymes for crotch:
bedpost notch


Poetry Coroner said...

I believe that's IN rhymes, not OF rhymes.

"I'll be thinking in rhymes...congratufreakin'lations"

This is an homage to the person to whom this missive is directed.

'Dude' and 'crotch' were presumably chosen because the two are frequently used on the show

(perhaps, coincidentally, in a humorously repetitive and obvious manner)