Rock Star - July 24 Mansion Show - Sid

Recaps, blah, blah, blah.

Dilana didn’t miss Jenny as much as the other evacuees and tried to rationalize it by drinking up and saying Jenny is going places. Like the local diner to pick up a job application. Dilanna left that last part out.

Then Ryan reminded Dana that she’s Celine Dion, which is OK with Dana as long as he says it to her face. Then Gibly woke everybody up with his best imitation of the dude at the guitar store who cranks the amp to 11 because he thinks he’s the next Stevie Ray Vaughan, but he’s really just the next Gibly Clarke. The rockers pretended to be interested until the Gibster put the guitar down and announced the next clinic - redecorating the mansion in the style of their favorite era from history. All he got was blank stares (except for Magni who was already online ordering items from Restoration Hardware’s Roaring Twenties Collection), so Gibly quickly decided to just make it a songwriting clinic. The three encore winners were team captains – Dilanna, Toby and Magni. Dilanna chooses Lukas to keep an eye on the little bastard and then fills out her roster with Ryan and Storm. Toby chooses his Jason’s new buddy Phil and adds Patrice and Zayra. Magni chooses Josh in hopes that he’ll share his stash, then takes on Jill. Nobody wanted Dana for fear of accidentally being mistaken for the Wiggles, but Magni finally agreed to let her join in his Icelandic reindeer games.

Team Dilanna: Lukas writes a lyric about touching a star, declares his work is done, leaves the details to the others and enjoys a relaxing day poolside with beers and smokes, occasionally poking his head in to make sure they aren’t screwing it up.

Team Toby: There seems to be mass confusion due to the language barriers of Australian matey mate talk, Texan, Zayran, and Phil’s mumbling.

Team Magni: Magni is impatiently controlling and, in a blow to the recent Leper Pop marketing campaign, declares that he doesn’t give a Rat’s Ass about what Jill wants to do. Which is to finish the damn song in ten minutes so that she can spend the rest of the afternoon applying toner to her breasts, while Magni wants to listen to it repeatedly until he really understands what was in the minds of Suave Porn when they wrote the tune. Sadly, he’ll be disappointed when he discovers they were just thinking about Cheese Whiz and that chick that was in the Back to the Future movies.

The next Suave Porn stops by the mansion to see the the results:

Team Dillana presents their tune and Tommy gets goosebumps. He thinks it’s the song, but I just think he needs a drink and a Percocet.

Team Toby presented a song that featured Zayra on megaphone and Phil on LSD. Tommy thought the song made him trip out, but I think it was just the bugs he thought were crawling on his forehead.

Team Magni did a barbershop quartet version, which was received surprisingly well. Who knew that Motley Crue started out in that genre?

It was definitely hard to tell from the 10 second clips who won, but I can say with confidence that none of them came even close the suck ass Stop Go debacle courtesy of Ty last season. As a result, the all got to have dinner with Suave Porn and listen to Gibly’s crazy rock and roll stories about his daughter’s guitar lessons. They suddenly realize that the last time these guys were cool really was when Zayra was in diapers. But having no choice at this point, they agreed to go ahead and listen to the tracks that the band had laid down.

I guess Dave had an appointment with the divorce attorney since he was absent. I missed him.

At song selection there weren’t any catfights or dastardly deeds, although Ryan tricked Dana into taking Nirvana so he could his favorite song of all time – I Alone. Jill offers up her wedding dress to anyone that wants to do White Wedding, but I believe Lukas is the only that it would fit and he’s already done Billy Idol. Storm is the only one cool enough to know Anything, Anything, which coincidentally was on my list of the Top 50 Songs the rockers should be bringing. I hope she takes it and rocks it. All the chicks want to do Call Me, since there’s nothing like some New Wave to show the guys how you can rock. Zayra seems to have the edge on this one and I’m intrigued by how she’ll interpret it. Jilly got Brown Sugar and the opportunity to rock with Gibly. Song selection is complete, Zayra is proud of everyone for being adults, Storm is proud of everyone for not being arrogant pricks, and Patrice is proud of herself for being the first to suggest it’s time to drink.

Rehearsals: Can Josh bring the rock? Can Dana bring the rock? Can Jill make it through rehearsal without letting Gibly realize what a bitch she is? I’m betting no on all three, but it’s been a half empty glass kind of week. In the meantime, I’m off to sunny SoCal for a few days. Maybe I’ll swing by the mansion and give my own clinic. I’m sure they’d all like to know how to start their own Crystal Bernard Fan Club chapter.