Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Rat's Ass

Do you love somebody? Do you kind of like somebody? Do you hate somebody’s guts? Is there somebody out there that you give a rat’s ass about? Is there somebody out there that you don’t give a rat’s ass about? Well, do it, then! Give them a rat’s ass. Or, get a rat’s ass and withhold giving it to them just to piss them off. That’s the beauty of The Rat’s Ass. It is the epitome of versatility.

I know you’re probably wondering what The Rat’s Ass is. It’s only the ultimate gift of love or hate one person could possibly give to another. It is a remarkable product that I have created centuries before its time.

Why waste your time giving flowers, candy or stuffed animals to your sweeties. Those gifts convey such ambiguity. I’m surprised they’re not at the root of more domestic violence cases. Think about it. When a man sends a woman flowers, what is she to think? Does he love her or is he hinting that she get off her ass and do some work in the garden? Or maybe he thinks she smells like a pile of manure and the flowers are his attempt to save the olfactory of her co-workers. Flowers tend to die. Is he implying that their love is short lived? Roses have thorns. It’s obvious that such a gift is a metaphor for conditional love and that there will be prices to be paid down the line. It’s just not worth it.

Let’s examine the tender act of bestowing a luscious box of candy, preferably chocolates. It seems harmless enough. The sweetness of the chocolates represents corresponding emotions between two people. You can believe that if you choose. Or, you can believe the truth. The truth is that the giver’s motive resembles that of the mean old witch in Hansel and Gretel, only this time she doesn’t want to eat Hansel, she wants to fatten him up so that he is unattractive to the other witches, so she won’t have to worry about losing him. That security coupled with Hansel’s diminishing self-esteem caused by the sudden weight gain allows the witch to treat Hansel like shit, inflicting endless emotional torment on him. And don’t think she won’t.

OK, maybe I’m being a little profuse in my assumptions. But, what about zits? Zits can be the side effect of the intake of too much chocolate. Where do you think the phrase, “Hey, pizza-face, get me another beer” came from? That’s right, from a box of chocolates (indirectly). If that sounds like love to you, stay away from my daughter.

There are countless other acts of charity in the name of nabbing a loved one - far too many for me to comprehend. Here is a list of some of them with their possible (probable) ulterior meanings:

Stuffed Animals – representation of artificial life implying artificial love. Your relationship is as fabricated as the polymorphic fibers that surround the stuffing.

Lingerie/Undergarments – “How about if you put out a little more often, huh?”

Balloons – Since most of a balloon’s volume consists of air or helium, which is invisible, so are the feelings of the gifter towards the giftee. Without the air, all that is left is a wrinkled sheath of rubber. I’ll leave the interpretation of this visual for the imaginative.

Jewelry – “Let he among you without sin cast the first stone” (or something like that). Most jewelry contains some sort of stone or stones. The act of giving jewelry is analogous with the act of pelting another with stones. The bottom line is the giver is declaring his or her superiority over the recipient, since only non-sinners pelt sinners.

Automobiles – “I think of you as a prostitute or man-whore.”

Cash – “I think of you as a prostitute or man-whore.”

Meat – There is nothing wrong with giving meat. Little conveys the meaning of love more than a box of frozen Porterhouses. Warning: if you ever decide to give your lover meat, you had better be prepared to say the words “I do”.

Obviously, the aforementioned gifts are capable of informing your sweetheart that your affection is genuine. But, as you have been shown, there is plenty of room for error and miscommunication. Can you afford to jeopardize your most heartfelt relationships by employing such precarious gift giving rituals? Don’t be an idiot.

With The Rat’s Ass, your feelings are literally spelled out for your honey, friend, enemy, boss, acquaintance, postman, or whomever else you want to give it to – or not give it to (explanation to come).

The Rat’s Ass can be construed as a form of a stuffed animal. What makes The Rat’s Ass different from the example of a stuffed animal gift defined prior is that, by cutting off most of the rat, I have, in turn, cut out most of the doubt inherent in the typical stuffed animal gift. The Rat’s Ass is fully equipped with a revolutionary feature I call the Torsonic Panel (see illustration). The Torsonic Panel covers the rat’s innards that would normally be exposed after The Rat’s Ass was detached from the rest of the rat. Just like the mess that is your emotional state, the rat’s entrails are barricaded by the Torsonic Panel as it acts as a message board to convey your true feelings to the beneficiary. Here lies the preeminent flexibility The Rat’s Ass provides. It can be a gift of love or a gift of hate or a gift of anywhere in between. Your message dictates the severity!

The Rat’s Ass is the perfect gesture of whatever emotion you want to throw at people. From Love to Like to Uncomfort to Itchiness to Uncontrolled Drooling to Hate to Indifference. It’s all covered.

Say you can’t stand a guy named Humus. You don’t care if this person lives or dies and he’s always bugging you. You’ve tried to be diplomatic, you’ve hinted that you want to be left alone and you’ve sent him a dozen rotten eggs. Nothing has worked. He just does not get the idea. Instead of having wasted years of your life tap dancing around the subject, all you needed to do was get yourself The Rat’s Ass with this appropriate message:

This Rat’s Ass was never and will never be given about Humus.

Whenever Humus bothers you, you simply taunt him with The Rat’s Ass that is not being given about him. He will be crushed and will eventually leave your life. But, remember that you can’t not give The Rat’s Ass if you don’t have The Rat’s Ass not to give. So you need to buy one from Leper Pop.

Consider this scenario. You’ve discovered that your longtime lover is secretly having an affair with a carnival worker. You want to end the relationship with definite closure, but you are worried that your partner will try to hang on because xe is very dependent. Simply send your soon to be ex The Rat’s Ass with this message:

You suck, this is the last rat’s ass I’ll ever give about you.

If xe doesn’t figure it out after that, you have a stalker on your hands, and you had better contact the authorities. Warning: The Rat’s Ass does not work on all stalkers!

Then there are the instances where you want to express your love. Do I really need to explain how to use The Rat’s Ass to accomplish this? Without getting too detailed, I will give you a number of sample messages you can use as references:

I give a rat’s ass about you. (obvious)

I love you. If I didn’t why would I risk declaring it on The Rat’s Ass?

You are the only one for me. The proof is in The Rat’s Ass.

I love you. What more do I need to do? Please get off my back.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I give The Rat’s Ass
Just about you.

So………do ya wanna do it?

I’m drunk and horny, even if you are only a goat.

With this Rat’s Ass, I thee wed…

The uses of The Rat’s Ass are infinite. There is no better method for revealing your true feelings about the people around you.

Now that I’ve convinced you that you can’t live without this extraordinary tool of communication, how do you get one? It’s simple. Just complete the order form that follows this article and send it to me with a check for around fifty bucks and I’ll get one out to you as soon as the check clears.

Remember, The Rat’s Ass is hand made. Also, keep a look out for other fabulous Rat’s Ass merchandise like:

The Rat’s Ass Pen and Pencil Set
The Rat’s Ass Toilet Paper Dispenser
The Rat’s Ass Ear Muffs
The Rat’s Ass Computer Mouse
The Rat’s Ass Enema Bag
The Rat’s Ass Onion Bloomer
The Rat’s Ass Surgical Bandage
The Rat’s Ass Lawn Mower Blade
The Rat’s Ass Big Note Maracas Book
The Rat’s Ass Nipple Ring
The Rat’s Ass Bag of Rat’s Asses
The Rat’s Ass Book of Commonly Used Elegies
The Rat’s Ass Alarm Clock
The Rat’s Ass Phlebotomy Kit
The Rat’s Ass Fondu Set
The Rat’s Ass Overhead Projector
The Rat’s Ass Chimney Cozy
The Rat’s Ass Rifle Cleaner
The Rat’s Ass Blunt Object
The Rat’s Ass Glass Bottom Boat
The Rat’s Ass Zipper
The Rat’s Ass Pearl Farm
And much, much more…….


HR said...

Genius. Pure Genius. All ass and nothing but ass.

Moist daughter: Daddy, how did you make your millions?

Moist: I just gave a rat's ass, sweetheart. I just gave a rat's ass...

keysunset said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! Laughin' and cryin'! HR took the words out of my mouth, but I'll repeat - Genius! Utter, sheer, pure rat's ass genius!

My sides are hurtin' You are too funny!

(and my word verification even has "xe" in it! How cool is that!)

del901 said...

OMG: Do I smell a money winner for LeperPalooza or what? (OK, not literally smell one, 'cause they are genuine imitation rat's asses, right?)

And don't forget the "cross over" gifts for the traditionalists: rat's ass shaped cakes and candies!

del901 said...

.... or maybe rats ass candles, sweetly scented for the "I love you" rat's ass, and authentic smelling for the "FOAD" ones!

LeperLover said...

Having been previously stalked, I will keep this in mind for the next time. I KNOW it will do the trick!

However, I think I'll wait for the Rat's Ass Overhead Projector before giving up about 50 bucks. That alone will change my life, dude!

Sid F'er said...

Think they would find it even funnier if they knew we had a 20 page business plan?

Mehgs said...

It has been far too long since I've told you guys how much I love your blog.

Rats asses for all!

Please please please can we see the Rats Ass Onion Bloomer?

keysunset said...

Think they would find it even funnier if they knew we had a 20 page business plan?

I would expect no less!

But yes, it is even funnier ... LOL, guys!

May I order a rat's ass for the Mr. for Father's Day?! Do I get a House discount? Jus' askin' ...

Aunt Nina said...

“I think of you as a prostitute or man-whore.”

Manwhore is on the list of potential band names for my friend and myself.

We have grandiose images of all the kids wearing t-shirts reading, "Manwhore Rules."

Anonymous said...

Its funny that you brought it up, but I need to get one of these things for my goat

Marie in Va said...

Is there a discount for bulk orders??
My favorite line:

"But, remember that you can’t not give The Rat’s Ass if you don’t have The Rat’s Ass not to give. So you need to buy one from Leper Pop."

Would you believe I actually sat here sorting that one out?!?

Kristy said...

The only proper gift to give a loved one is a little moist rub but I would like to place an order for half a dozen rat's ass nipple rings...early Christmas shopping : )

Nice cartoons, did you do them yourself ?

Moist Rub said...

Yes indeedy, Kristy, I did them myself. With the help of the magic that is MS Paint or, is it called Paintbrush. Whatever it is called, that's what I used to draw those two masterpieces. Thank you for noticing.

keysunset said...

You are so talented Moist. I figured you'd done the rat's a** cartoon, but overlooked asking if you'd done the first as well.

The only proper gift to give a loved one is a little moist rub heh, heh, too true. But when that's not possible, then Moist has given us a noble alternative.