Monday, July 31, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show - July 31

For those that don’t watch the mansion show online, here’s how it works. You get a beer, open up your Mozilla browser and go over to Did you know that there’s like nekkid women on that internet thing? I was shocked. I quickly closed my browser, reopened it, went to and clicked the link to There’s a bunch of good links over there – check them out sometime when you’re bored. Then I realized that them Microsoft bastards rigged it up so it doesn’t work unless you use Internet Explorer. I’m sure it would if you flicked the right switch, but I couldn’t find it anywhere on my computer case. So I capitulated and opened up Internet Explorer and then found the right tattoo to click on to get to the reality show. It’s the tweety bird tattoo on Jason’s ass, by the way.

Then you’re forced to watch a commercial from one of their sponsors. I think it’s Bartyles and James Wine Coolers or Jordache jeans. I’m usually trying to open my beer with my teeth so that I don’t have to walk to the kitchen for the bottle opener. Then you’re forced to watch the same recap of last week that you’ve already seen 17 times – who rocked it and who sucked cowballs. Then you usually get the post game report from the mansion, where you watch them drink and mourn the loss of the latest dearly departed rocker, rip on the weak, and eat frosting right out the can. However, their server was jacked up because it kept looping back to the beginning. Either that or they were afraid to present the mansion show after they caught Lukas playing chess with Dana while Dilanna caught up on her scrapbooking of the Rock Star experience. So I jumped to Part II where Jason stopped in the mansion to make them watch their performances on a 64” screen Verizon Vcast phone set up in the living room. I guess that was considered a clinic. There we learned that Jill is defensive when presented with any form of criticism and will talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk until you get tired head and just agree that she is Queen Princess Hellfire. We also learned that something really fucked up happened to Dilanna when she was a kid, since she started crying over her failure to connect with the audience just because one guy in Dockers up in the balcony who looked like her daddy wasn’t swinging his arms in unison with the rest of the lemmings in the well-coached studio audience. Patrice gets it. She realizes that even though her hometown hero Lance Armstrong is available again, doing her best Sheryl Crow imitation isn’t going to get her in Tommy’s pants.

Lukas discovers the songs this week, and, being the rebel that he is, he takes them from the song room without checking them out with proper ID and I’m pretty sure he even passed Go and collected $200 even though the note from Suave Porn told him not to. That’s how he rolls.

Song selection (Part III) was boring. Tommy’s turn to rock out this week on the skins with a lucky rocker on the song Higher Ground. Josh wants to do it, but he knows that Tlee is a big bully and won’t let him do the soulful Stevie Wonder version but will make him rock out on national television wearing only a tube sock. Patrice decides to take it and then flips out after imagining scenarios in which Tommy stops her midsong to ask her to make him some waffles. Ryan, who apparently has the ability to read minds, capitalizes on her fears by following her around the house chanting “Tommy Lee” in a barely audible, yet effectively annoying voice.

In rehearsal (Part IV), Zayra tries to explain to the band that they are failing to capture the punk rock spirit of Tommy Tutone. Storm tries to figure out how to do Bowie without being as boring as Magni. And some other stuff. You didn’t miss much.

Finally, after a hard day rehearsing, the boys hit the basketball court to show why they were picked last in gym class and decided to be rock stars instead. Too bad they suck at that, too.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Rock Star - July 26 Moist Rub

Congratulations to all of you hard working voters out there. You’re up fifteen percent. While millions of people are starving all over the world, you found the time to vote just a little more. To put it in a different perspective, fifteen percent of zero is zero. To put it in yet another perspective, my long lost cousin in Budapest died of a hunger strike last night. That’s not your fault. You voters didn’t tell him to hunger strike. Not all of you, anyway.

Let’s bring out the biggest hatchet in Hollywood. I got it. We all know Tlee’s got a big wang. Never hurts to keep bringing it up. Notice, every time Brooke says the word “hatchet” they switch the camera to Tlee. She’s aware of this, too. When she sees him picking his nose, adjusting his crotch or raising one cheek to discharge fumage, she’ll utter “hatchet” so that the world can share the sophistication that is Tlee.

Tlee began the review of last night by hitting on Storm. He loves a girl that can stage dive and wondered if it was Storm’s first time. Storm admitted, no, but she’s willing to fake an orgasm for him. Dave reminded Patrice how much see tanked yesterday. She heard him loud and clear and proceeded to tongue-sterilize his behind. With a shiny clean ass, Dave decided to attack Zayra’s fashion sense by asking where she obtained the space suit. Zayra claimed she took it out of Dave’s closet. Dave broke down and cried because he remembered when Carmen Electra gave him that outfit for his nipple piercing celebration party. Gibly brought back the focus by raking Zayra for her pop over rock ideology. She told him she found it in his closet. While Gibly tried to figure out how ideology got in his closet, Jason made fun of Phil for being soft. Phil made a good point. Two thirds of the songs they are given are non-Suave Porn. Jason made a better point, then why did Dilana and Storm take two crap songs and make them shine, huh, smart pants? Then, my son made an even better point. Did you ever notice that Jason is the only one that ever wears regular clothes? That’s right, son. He’s rich enough to go on the television and look as shitty as we do.

It’s interesting that they chose to speak to only Patrice, Zayra and Phil. Hmmm. Reeks the stench of foreshadowing, it may.

Back on the farm, Ryan proposed to Jill that she should grind on him (ewww). She chose instead to grind her teeth about how much Gibly doesn’t know about putting on a rock ‘n roll show. Yeah, what does he know, Jill? You know more than he does. Be sure and tell him that when you get back to the Al Roker den. That’ll get you the job. Dana claims to be learning from everybody since she’s only just dun gradiated the sixth grade. And she’s fixin’ to have a swim in the see-ment pond.

Back at the Al Roker den, we were bestowed the pleasure of witnessing a lot of whining about, well, I turned the channel. No Nova on tonight, so I turned back to find Gibly lambasting Jill. Evidently she thought she could talk Gibly into believing performing rock ‘n roll with a woman is all about grinding and live sex shows, just like Aretha Franklin does. Little did she know that he had played guitar for Heart, and Ann Wilson never grinded on him. You are all probably expecting me to suggest some sort of fat Ann Wilson joke, but I love Ann Wilson, so I won’t do it. I love Mama Cass, too, so there. Carne Wilson, not so much. So much for the fat rock chicks. Gibly wanted her to show him something he’s never seen before. Lukas stood up and pulled an oscilloscope from his jacket, “Gibly have you ever seen one of these before? I don’t know, they’re kind of cool.” Then he flicked it with his tongue. Jill persisted, claiming everything in rock and roll has already been done. Not everything, Jill. They still have to kick you off this show. Then, that will be everything. Dana told everyone to shut up, but she meant Ryan only. Still, everyone’s feelings were hurt.

As predicted by Nostradamus in the mid 1500’s, Storm claimed the encore. She began her rerun with a tantalizing butt shake, interpreted by Tlee as a mating ritual. Tlee, once again, doused himself in urine. Storm performed well, yet I sensed that she was on the edge of screwing up something at any moment. This made me feel uncomfortable, as if the jeans I were wearing needed about fifteen more minutes in the dryer. She didn't screw up. I commend her for not repeating the stage dive.

But wait, everyone, Brooke announced the bird ass beans – Jill, Josh and Zayra. Joining them in the comfort of sorrow were Phil and Patrice. They were all punished by being asked to stand so all could look at them. And look at them. And look at them. And keep looking at them, until one of them couldn’t take it anymore and volunteered to be the first bottom three.

Patrice broke first. And then she broke out. Am I the only one that has a thing for Patrice? Yes? Good. I give up at the slightest hint of competition. Magni gave her a pair of his magic goggles to hide behind, but she eventually discarded them in a flick of angst during the song. She sang My Iron Lung by Radiohead. This reminded me of the time Sid and I, et al, were eating dinner at the Ponderosa, and there was a guy in an iron lung also dining there. Sid’s face was broken at the time, and it hurt him to laugh at the poor guy in the iron lung. That’s what you get for laughing at people in an iron lung – face pain. Patrice definitely turned on the rock and roll attitude smog machine tonight. She roamed the crowd and made her way to the Al Roker den, where she gave butterfly kisses to Lukas. He returned her advances by flicking his tongue at his oscilloscope, again. She should have slapped him and walked back to the stage. That would have won the Suave Porn hearts forever. Back on stage, Patrice performed a slightly awkward strip tease (more of a disrobing than a tease, really), but it didn’t hinder her smack. I hope Patrice learned her lesson tonight. Always take some clothes of when performing – it helped MiG last year. On top of that, she should always air it out like she did tonight. Speaking of airing it out, to support Patrice, her sister in rock, Storm, exposed her armpits to the crowd at the end of the song.

Zayra got the pre-axe lube next, and she had a plan. She stayed up all last night looking for a song that would tell Suave Porn to kick her ass back to Honduras, or wherever she is from. Her speaking voice reminds me of Fez, from That 70’s Show (this is my third reference to this show this year – I apologize. My son has gotten me watching the reruns. It’s a pretty funny show. I also apologize for using two Son references in the same article. I will spank him for that.). She found that song: Not An Addict by K’s Choice. K’s Choice is a band from Belgium and is one of the most compelling bands on the contemporary music scene, according to their web site, anyway. Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics Zayra chose to sing to Suave Porn on this edge of the knife kind of night.

If you don't have it you’re on the other side

It's over now, I'm cold, alone

I'm just a person on my own

Nothing means a thing to me

Free me, leave me

Watch me as I'm going down

What are you trying to say, Zayra? Tlee: “I think she really wants to be in our band, fellas. I think she wants me, too.” This was Zayra’s swan song. She voluntarily laid her head into the guillotine, freely accepting the Tlee blade. She was willing to do this since Dave had agreed to be her manager and get her a solo record deal.

Before Phil could ride up on his white horse and save Zayra from certain Rock Star death, for she knows not what she do, Brooke had to torment Jill and Josh by calling their names first, only to tell them to sit their asses down. Ha! That trick never gets old. Phil taunted Suave Porn with some mocking head bobs as he approached the death stage, on which he hung onto Brooke for dear life. He tried to look self-assured, but we all know what was running down his leg. That’s right, little, tiny army men. Jason asked Phil to make him a believer. Too bad for Phil, he is no Neil Diamond. Phil attempted to make Jason believe with Smoking Umbrellas by Failure. Yeah, OK, ominous band name. Not knowing this song and that Zayra song, it seems I should start hanging out somewhere besides the local VFW hall. Was this song purposely written out of tune, or was that just Phil? Was it meant to be performed disjointed, or was that just Phil? Has everyone been asked to leave the show tonight, or is that just Phil?

Gibly acts as the clergyman who counsels the death row inmates prior to walking the green mile. He told Patrice that her voice has kept her on the show so far, but tonight she brought it to a new level, keep it up, man. Go sit down, little rocker. He also told her that Moist Rub has a crush on her. Gilby, I told you not to say anything!!!! Did she say anything about me? His words for Zayra haven’t changed, as he can’t imagine her in their band. Why do you think she sang that fricken song, douchebag? For Phil, Gibly commended him for his best performance yet, but questioned his commitment to the band. I pledge allegiance to the band of Suave Porn, and will not fight them for creative control, and will differ to them on all issues related to the musical direction of the band. That’s all you needed to say, Phil. Tlee robed his noggin in a devil horn hood and declared, “Yeah, what he said.” Good-bye, Phil. Zayra couldn't believe it. She will have to make banners on bed sheets next week to inform Suave Porn she wants out. Maybe she can write it on sticky notes and place them on her nipples. Tlee will notice that.

Phil reflected, in his closing comments, that maybe he was having a mellow day, which would explain why Suave Porn perceived his lack of commitment. Phil, days don’t last four weeks. Even on Pluto, a day is only a week long. Maybe you need to live on Venus, where each day takes about thirty-five Earth weeks. The show would have been over by then and you may have had a chance. Phil retired back to the Al Roker den, where Patrice disturbingly gave him too much of an affectionate send off for my liking. I’m going to cry myself to sleep now.

Rock Star - July 25 Moist Rub

Tonight’s show hit us with three blatant fashion statements. Brooke, wearing her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder dress, declaring, “These are my breasts, you likey?" Jason, with his new Lyle Lovett haircut telling us he’s still in love with Julia Roberts. And Tlee wearing the purposely constructed crooked looking hat trying to fool us into believing his head is constantly bowed in deep thought. About sex.

If you can take your eyes off her breasts, for a moment, Brooke would like us to check this out. For a change of pace, they gave us a recap of what happened at the mansion this week. Gibly had just received the Lady Byng trophy because he actually cherishes his daughter. All the women go, “Awwwwwwwww”. The guys all go, “I hope I only have boys.” All we can do after that is to go listen to some tunes – Suave Porn tunes. Lukas was excited, in here. Right in here. Point at your chest and say “in here”. He’s not excited in his feet, else he’d be doing the happy feet dance. He’s not excited in his trousers, else he’d be doing the Tlee dance. He’s not excited in his shoulders, else he’d be doing the shruggin’ to the music dance like that one kid in A Charlie Brown Christmas. He’s excited in here. And that’s where it counts. All of the rockers were excited in a variety of body parts. Dana summed it up best with her ugly wrinkle face after she said something really deep and ass-licking about the music.

“Let’s crank this up, bitch” – Tlee. Luckily, Brooke didn’t realize Tlee was referring to her with his comment. I guess she didn’t agree to being videotaped last night, and that made him quite irate.

LukasBitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve. What’s the difference between The Verve and Verve Pipe? In my world, nothing. I’m sorry I brought it up. Lukas’s eyebrows were so arched in this performance, I thought they were going to connect, transforming him into Bert from Sesame Street causing him to start singing the Lumps In My Oatmeal song. His hair reached a new level of outrage tonight. I think his hair is acting as a psycho exposure meter. The more we learn about how disturbed he actually his, the crazier his hair will be. In a few weeks, when we find out he spends his time tying worms to his pubes and pretending to be THE PORN MEDUSA, he'll be donning The Donald highlighted by tiny flashlights embedded in his scalp. Yeah, he brought it, again, like Dave said. A little too intense for me. Jason scolded him for not opening his throat. Insert blow job reference here. Lukas gave Jason the “you just made the list” look. Jason will be dead soon, and Suave Porn will have to call in Billy Sheehan from his job at the gas station.

ZayraCall Me by Blondie. Many of the lady rockers wanted this song. I guess they all wanted to be told they’re not fricken huge for Suave Porn. This is not a Suave Porn song. Shall I say, duh? Duh. Zayra lost by winning that battle, civilized as it was. She tried to distract the band by wearing her Catwoman meets Sgt. Pepper meets Flesh Gordon outfit. It almost worked as we watched Jason’s jaw plow the floor of the perch. She was a little sloppy with her micmanship. Tlee will have none of that. I was into her act, but Suave Porn wasn’t. I agree with Dave that she should go solo. I think she knows that too, but is trying to get as much exposure as she can (as evidenced by her outfit tonight). Gibly apologized for being lost. Tlee made an S&M comment. It’s good to see Tlee expanding his thoughts.

DanaAbout a Girl by Nirvana. I didn’t want to like it. But I did. I missed the first few seconds of the song. During commercials I was watching an episode of Nova on PBS: The Elegant Universe. The show discussed String Theory and M Theory and other heady subject matter and anti subject matter (that’s a joke for all you geeks out there). You can imagine the brain cramp I got when I switched back and saw Dana’s yokel face filling my TV screen. Egad. Not to go Dave Barry on ya, but Egad would be a good name for a band. Rock Star:Egad. Dana served up some good grit in her tone. Even the slight Liza Minelli voice trails in the verse didn’t bother me too much. This Dirty Dana did not seem as contrived as the stripper prom queen routine she’s been cramming down our throats in weeks recent. I think it helped that she was sitting down so we didn’t have to see her labored body rockin’. Dana attributed her new “rocker” self to pounding a beer before she took the stage. Tlee – have another beer, Dana, and another one, and another one…I forgot to look – were her legs open? Suave Porn approved.

PatriceRemedy by The Black Crowes. I like Patrice. I say that because I think she would be the only one of the chick rockers that would bother to talk to me in real life. Maybe Storm would, but it would be because she felt sorry for me. I don’t mind. That is why most women talk to me. Patrice is this year’s Suzie, except less refined and less geeky. She should have come out hoppin’ from the get go on this song. Instead, she stood on stage offering an uninspired, non-emotional and obligatory recital. She tried to shift it into overdrive midway through, but went back to stand by the band because she was looking for a nickel she dropped. Dave was bored and ornery, especially after Patrice questioned his own style on stage. To which he reminded her that he already has a job. Patrice has a job, too. She drives a VW van for aging hippies. Gibley wants her to be crazy, man. So do I. I thought she had it in her. Speaking of having things in her, Tlee didn’t have a comment.

TobyWhite Wedding by Billy Idol. Billy Idol must need some cash. This is the second one of his songs so far this year. I wonder who will get to do Flesh for Fantasy. I hope Tlee plays drums on it. Toby was banging around inside this song trying to find the groove. He never found it. His hollerin’ on “Start agaaaaaain” hinted of helium-laced air traversing his vocal chords. Although, Gibly thought that’s when he got it into gear. Jason thought it was Toby’s best performance yet. I didn't, but I couldn't tell you which one is.

Magni (The Iceman) – Heros by David Bowie. Magni, The Iceman, because he’s from Iceland. Toby is the Ausman. Lukas is the Canman. The Canman can because he takes a little screechin’ and makes the world taste good. I don’t know where the other guys are from. Let’s call them all The Earthman, just to be safe. Magni, The Iceman, because he’s from Iceland, chose to perform with guitar in hand. I’m becoming a fan – an Icefan, because I put ice in front of my fan because my air conditioner is broken. This song doesn’t call for too much stage gallivanting. Magni, the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, expressed all the emotion needed through is voice and let the audience interpret the rest. This was one of my favorite performances tonight, but I don’t want to be too nice to him, so I’m gonna call him chrome dome. Chrome Dome. Tlee questioned the presence of Magni’s guitar. Magni the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, told him he had it so he could play along with the band. Tlee was enlightened and next questioned the purpose of the strings on the guitar (attr. Steven Wright). Magni, the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, also ripped Zayra by explaining he didn’t think wearing blue spandex was appropriate for this song, or any song, for that matter. Appropriate or not, Gibly stated Magni, the Iceman, because he's from Iceland, presented the song the wrong way. Since Gibly didn’t provide a proposed alternative, I figure he’s full of shit. Way to go, baldy.

RyanI Alone by Live. I figured it out. Ryan can’t hold a smile very long because his bottom jaw juts forward. This places exaggerated pressure on his zygomatic major muscle in the face which then spasms and doesn’t allow the orbicularis oculi to contract to reiterate the smile in his eyes, which causes any smile he can muster to look fake. This spasm also makes it difficult for him to maintain the lifeless smile that he can barely achieve in the first place. The poor guy. Poor him, what about us? We’re the ones that have to look at him. Ryan chose to enhance his performance by using the “I’ve been shot” dance. Look, I’m singing, but I’ve been shot, so I’m slightly buckled over. I’ll run over here, look I’ve been shot. Anybody got a band-aid? Help me, I’ve been shot. Ooh, I’ll climb up the drums. Yeah, that feels better. Damn, I’ve been shot again. It knocked me off the drums. Oh, I’m hit again. Ouch. Ooh, I’m buckled over with pain.

JillBrown Sugar by The Rolling Stones, with Gibly Cluck on geetar. I knew Gibly wasn't enjoying the grinding she was doing. I just knew it! You could see the look in his eyes – “dumb chick”. You don’t have to put on the red light, Jill. Don’t you remember Chris singing that song to you in the first week? That horrible performance was for you, Jill. Don’t you remember? Gibly has a daughter. You should have remembered that. Once a guy has a daughter, he thinks differently about women and their place in society. Fathers of daughters don’t appreciate that sex object view of women any more. You don’t have to sell sex, Jill. Sell yourself as a pregnant homemaker. That’s what Gibly wants. Can’t you tell that by the way he was holding his guitar? You don’t know men at all, do you? Are you a nun? This song was good enough to entertain me in a bar. And, really, that’s all I’m asking out of life. I did enjoy Jill’s premeditated mic stand throw down and flawless transition directly into the stripper walk. I gave her a 9.6 on that move. Gibly whined about the grinding Jill did on him and the impure thoughts he had of nuns it spurred. Dave hired her as a Panic Channel back up singer because of the grinding. Different strokes, Mr. Drummond.

PhilOne Headlight by The Wallflowers. Warning – Warning – Warning!!!! EHH – EHH – EHH – EHH. THIS IS NOT A SUAVE PORN SONG, DIPSHIT! EHH – EHH – EHH – EHH. One Headlight is one step above Duran Duran in the Suave Porn song rating chart. Phil, is this your first day on this show? Wait, I know a way you can transform this song into Suave Porn material and win the boys’ hearts. First, use a lot of jerky head motion. Then do that floppy armed, no backbone saunter you are so good at. Finally, kill them with the “corner of the eye” leer. Oooh, I can feel the ROCK! Dave became obsessed looking under the seat cushions for the intensity. Tlee started to weep at the thought of watching Phil on stage for an entire hour. Jason grew an ulcer worrying about the head wobble. Gibly bit off his tongue from the madness and was speechless. See what you did to Suave Porn and their trusted confidant, Phil? What kind of monster are you?

DilanaTime After Time by Cyndi Lauper. If you told me yesterday the Dilana would sing a boring song, acoustic-like, wearing a goth Hansel and Gretel outfit and I would enjoy it, I would have told you to start rubbing my feet. You could have told me anything yesterday, and I would have told you to start rubbing my feet. My dogs, they were a-achin’ yesterday, yesiree. It’s been posed before, but why isn’t this chick already a rock star? I blame the weasel record companies. Dilana is very good at using her eyes and facial expressions to connect with the audience. Dave said it doesn’t matter what Dilana does, she always feels the love, which explains that strange walk she uses on stage. Jason gave props to Jimmy, the guitar player. Jason likes Jimmy, or owes him money.

JoshNo Rain by Blind Melon. Josh doesn’t know what he is doing on stage. Let me try walking over here. OK, now what’s over on that part of the stage? Hmm, ok, bend down, look at that girl. She’s pretty. OK, stand up, look around. What should I do next? OK, I’ll do a little skip to that section. Oh, I think they liked my skip, maybe I'll do it again. That got them going. And when his floorshow didn’t work, he chose to act out the song with his hand and face. Point at your head and half close one eyelid when you sing “but it’s not sane”. That’s crazy rock ‘n roll. Dave felt Josh regressed on this song, and blames his relationship with his mother. Tlee bitched about the soul. What’s with the soul? Josh suggested they open up themselves to become more soul. Good idea, Josh. Ya know, we originally hired Al Green to lead the band, but he was too busy preaching. So, we came on this show, Soul Star:Suave Porn to find a replacement. Gibly is lookin’ for the bridge in the crunge.

StormAnything Anything by Bananarama. Or Dramarama or Ram Jam Bam a lam, woah Black Betty, bam a lam, Black Betty had a child, bam a lam, the damn thing gone wild, bam a lam. I’m not as hip as Sid, so I don’t know what this song is. Storm has the skeletal structure to pervade the rock that would be blasting out behind her, should she win this thing. I could see her jammin’ with these guys. She needs a little work but her moves are authentic. At least they seemed so tonight, especially the mic discard. I don’t know if the stage dive was planned, or not, but it looked spontaneous. I hope the audience respected her and didn’t touch any of her woman parts. She’s got a good rock voice. Show’s over, she wins. I’m kidding, of course. She may have earned the encore. Dave said she demanded attention on the stage. I meant to say that, but I’m not as cool as Dave is. Tlee – hell yeah. I meant to say that, too, but I’m not as cool as Tlee is. Jason said she was turbo charged. Yeah, I wasn’t going to say that. I’m cooler than Jason, especially since he got that Lyle Lovett do.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for inflicting you with EBT last week. I think the acronyms that permeate society are annoying. I am ashamed of myself. Instead of referring to the Early Bottom Three as EBT, I propose a more creative and meaningful name. Let’s derive together, shall we?

Early. Early Bird. Early Times. Early of Sandwich. Let’s go with Bird. Bottom. That’s easy – Ass. Three. Three Wisemen. Three toed sloth. Knock Three Time on the ceiling if you want me. Three is a magic number. Three rhymes with pee. Three kinds of beans. That’s it, Beans. From now on, the Early Bottom Three will be known as Bird Ass Beans. So let it be typed, so let it be done. That Three was a tough one. But I think we got it right. Good work, people. Somebody tell Brooke’s cue card guy.

This week’s Bird Ass Beans were Josh, Jill and Zayra. Unlike last week, when I successfully predicted the Bird Ass Beans, I failed to do so this week. I was watching physics on PBS, excuse me, all right? Try to expand your mind and people hassle and get heavy on you. Grand. Just grand. As for the final bottom three (aka Nebulous Fern Yurts – we’ll go over that derivation next week), I predict it will be Josh, Jill and Patrice. Patrice will probably be there based on the band’s reaction to her. I would choose Josh, Phil and Ryan. Zayra’s not done exposing herself yet.

Also, it’s good literary form to tie your final paragraph back to your opening paragraph, so here it goes. Brooke’s breasts.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Rock Star - July 24 Mansion Show - Sid

Recaps, blah, blah, blah.

Dilana didn’t miss Jenny as much as the other evacuees and tried to rationalize it by drinking up and saying Jenny is going places. Like the local diner to pick up a job application. Dilanna left that last part out.

Then Ryan reminded Dana that she’s Celine Dion, which is OK with Dana as long as he says it to her face. Then Gibly woke everybody up with his best imitation of the dude at the guitar store who cranks the amp to 11 because he thinks he’s the next Stevie Ray Vaughan, but he’s really just the next Gibly Clarke. The rockers pretended to be interested until the Gibster put the guitar down and announced the next clinic - redecorating the mansion in the style of their favorite era from history. All he got was blank stares (except for Magni who was already online ordering items from Restoration Hardware’s Roaring Twenties Collection), so Gibly quickly decided to just make it a songwriting clinic. The three encore winners were team captains – Dilanna, Toby and Magni. Dilanna chooses Lukas to keep an eye on the little bastard and then fills out her roster with Ryan and Storm. Toby chooses his Jason’s new buddy Phil and adds Patrice and Zayra. Magni chooses Josh in hopes that he’ll share his stash, then takes on Jill. Nobody wanted Dana for fear of accidentally being mistaken for the Wiggles, but Magni finally agreed to let her join in his Icelandic reindeer games.

Team Dilanna: Lukas writes a lyric about touching a star, declares his work is done, leaves the details to the others and enjoys a relaxing day poolside with beers and smokes, occasionally poking his head in to make sure they aren’t screwing it up.

Team Toby: There seems to be mass confusion due to the language barriers of Australian matey mate talk, Texan, Zayran, and Phil’s mumbling.

Team Magni: Magni is impatiently controlling and, in a blow to the recent Leper Pop marketing campaign, declares that he doesn’t give a Rat’s Ass about what Jill wants to do. Which is to finish the damn song in ten minutes so that she can spend the rest of the afternoon applying toner to her breasts, while Magni wants to listen to it repeatedly until he really understands what was in the minds of Suave Porn when they wrote the tune. Sadly, he’ll be disappointed when he discovers they were just thinking about Cheese Whiz and that chick that was in the Back to the Future movies.

The next Suave Porn stops by the mansion to see the the results:

Team Dillana presents their tune and Tommy gets goosebumps. He thinks it’s the song, but I just think he needs a drink and a Percocet.

Team Toby presented a song that featured Zayra on megaphone and Phil on LSD. Tommy thought the song made him trip out, but I think it was just the bugs he thought were crawling on his forehead.

Team Magni did a barbershop quartet version, which was received surprisingly well. Who knew that Motley Crue started out in that genre?

It was definitely hard to tell from the 10 second clips who won, but I can say with confidence that none of them came even close the suck ass Stop Go debacle courtesy of Ty last season. As a result, the all got to have dinner with Suave Porn and listen to Gibly’s crazy rock and roll stories about his daughter’s guitar lessons. They suddenly realize that the last time these guys were cool really was when Zayra was in diapers. But having no choice at this point, they agreed to go ahead and listen to the tracks that the band had laid down.

I guess Dave had an appointment with the divorce attorney since he was absent. I missed him.

At song selection there weren’t any catfights or dastardly deeds, although Ryan tricked Dana into taking Nirvana so he could his favorite song of all time – I Alone. Jill offers up her wedding dress to anyone that wants to do White Wedding, but I believe Lukas is the only that it would fit and he’s already done Billy Idol. Storm is the only one cool enough to know Anything, Anything, which coincidentally was on my list of the Top 50 Songs the rockers should be bringing. I hope she takes it and rocks it. All the chicks want to do Call Me, since there’s nothing like some New Wave to show the guys how you can rock. Zayra seems to have the edge on this one and I’m intrigued by how she’ll interpret it. Jilly got Brown Sugar and the opportunity to rock with Gibly. Song selection is complete, Zayra is proud of everyone for being adults, Storm is proud of everyone for not being arrogant pricks, and Patrice is proud of herself for being the first to suggest it’s time to drink.

Rehearsals: Can Josh bring the rock? Can Dana bring the rock? Can Jill make it through rehearsal without letting Gibly realize what a bitch she is? I’m betting no on all three, but it’s been a half empty glass kind of week. In the meantime, I’m off to sunny SoCal for a few days. Maybe I’ll swing by the mansion and give my own clinic. I’m sure they’d all like to know how to start their own Crystal Bernard Fan Club chapter.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Rock Star - July 19 - Sid

I missed the elimination show. But I did get a damn good tuna steak at a joint called Blackfin in Boston. Highly recommend. And, unfortunately for the viewers of Rock Star this season, I have to say that the wasabi mashed potatoes delivered way more kick than most of the “rockers” they’ve given us this year. However, I’ll leave the food reviews to the people that know the difference between saffron and sarsaparilla and stick to what I know best – writing about and making fun of stuff that I can’t do. Should be no lack of material there.

Moist has a nice post about the show down below, so I won’t be recapping blow by blow. I’ll just share some thoughts about the rockers, in between bites of my Betty Crockers. From these crazy rhymes I’m about to stray, for my rhyming dictionary’s been taken away. Mercifully.

Random comments:

I figured out Dana’s problem. I don’t think it’s her voice or even mannerisms that scream “I’m in the Justin Timberlake Fan Club” – it’s her make up and clothes. She even asked if it was her make up. She’s doing her hair and make up like she’s running for student council president instead of Suave Porn. You want to look a little crazy. Tommy mentioned that he wants somebody that scares him a little and might fall off the stage. You’re not going to do that by going to the mall and getting your make up done at Glamour Shots and shopping in the bad girls section at Talbot’s. I want her to fry her hair and find her next outfit at a thrift shop – something that looks like she didn’t take the price tags off right before Brooke introduces them. Just show up one day like you spent the night polishing off a bottle of Night Train and banging a guy with spider web tats on his elbows. I’m not sure it will work, but it might help sell the image a little bit more. Like Dilana said, “Stop worrying about being pretty.” I know that changed my life, and it might work for Dana.

Nah, who are we kidding?

Speaking of Dilana, she should have worn her glasses to elimination night. We’ve seen it on the mansion show and she looked like a strange hybrid of Elvira and Lisa Loeb and Marion the Librarian, but it worked for me. It could just be my fascination with saucy spectacled sirens. OK, now they just took away my alliteration dictionary, too. But back to specs. I saw a preview of a new Woody Allen movie called Scoop with Scarlett Johannson. In glasses. Hot. I thought Brooke looked good this week, but I think she needs to don a pair of specs just one week for me. As long as it’s not any of those giant Harry Carey glasses that seem to be making a comeback. But I digress – back to our rockers. If Dilana wears the glasses to elimination night, it would exude an understated and subtle cockiness, as in “I know I’m not in the bottom three and won’t need to bring it tonight, so I’ll just wear my glasses.” Even though glasses are cool, it’s hard to bring it when you’re wearing them. Do it, Dilana. You know you wanna.

Bottom Three

I like Jenny’s look and stage presence, so it’s a shame she can’t rock the vocals. It’s like that big box on Christmas day and you know it has to be something awesome, and you can’t wait to rip the paper off and then it turns out to be a humidifier.

Dana threatened, “I’ll show you, Gliby Clarke” but coming from her it sounded more like a line from Sccoby-Doo rather than something to be taken seriously. Then she chose to do a Sass Jordan tune. Yes, I’m a Sass fan, but is it any coincidence that Sass happens to be a judge on Canadian Idol? Perhaps Dana is planning to marry a Canuck and give it shot in the great white north after she gets booted here. If she wins here, she will secure her place as the Eliza Doolittle of rock.

Josh smiled while singing, “I’ve got a new complaint.” He needs to be a little more Ryan, and Ryan needs to be a little more Josh. Or we can just simplify things and bounce them both. We, meaning me and Suave Porn.

If Tommy continues to go with the hatchet man metaphor, he should just use one hand. If he wants to pantomime with two hands, then I would go with the ax man metaphor. Jenny’s gotta go. But there are no losers on Rock Star, and she left with this week’s deli platter. I also learned that the Canadian school system must really blow, because Jenny said she learned more in three weeks with TLee, Gibly, and that guy from Metallica than she has in her entire life. Frightening.

I’m a comment whore, so I’m going to cheat this week and offer up a Leper Pop poll to encourage y’all. You’re in the bottom three – what song do you perform to save your ass? One song per entry.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Rock Star - July 19 Moist Rub

The voting was massive. The voting was huge. Brooke needs to get it. Riding on a luge. It’s the new hit single from Suave PornDoin’ It On A Luge. Let’s get down to the serious business of finding out who sucks. Everybody on the show? OK, thanks for watching, see you next year. That’s not being serious. Stop it.

Let’s recap. Josh got greedy. Jill followed suit. Patrice came out fighting with Beatles fruit. Jill’s a contender. Zayra roared back. Dilana brought it together with a quack. Phil was surprised. Ryan had a struggle. Dana tried to rock garbed with snuggle. Toby was strong, but his performance was lacking. Keep this up, you'll get no Suave Porn backing.

Back at the mansion, they all reeled from the lashes. Some of them knew the reason for the bashes. But Dana was confused, and couldn’t take the trauma. Until she got advice from her Storm Dilana Mama. Her Storm Dilana Mama. Her Storm Dilana Mama. They said to open your legs and wave it at the boys. It will turn your fluff into their kind of noise. Then Ryan took exception to Dana’s kind of flow. He thought she wasn’t right for a rockin’ type show. A rockin’ type show. A rockin’ type show. Little did he know, they’d reveal his denigration, right in front of Dana and all across the nation. Dave called him out for being too direct. Ryan felt himself on the stage to make himself erect. To make himself erect. To make himself erect. Dana pleaded and begged for him to shoot it in her face. Ryan said he tried, but she shot him with mace. Dana now sees the seedy underneath. She has vowed on this day to kick them in the teeth. Kick them in the teeth. Kick them in the teeth.

Dave asked Dilana, why’d you help the whore? Dilana is her friend and ain’t threatened no more. She’s giving and loving and honest to the hurt. Dana needs an edge and to play in some dirt. Gibly scolded Toby for floppin’ this week. Toby stepped to the challenge and mustered up his beak. Once you start rhyming about beaks on people who don’t have beaks, not even in the metaphorical sense, and refer to the mustering of said beak, it’s time to stop. Jason questioned Josh, why so adamant. Josh said I did Nirvana, not Adam Ant.

Magni was given the encore since the rockers with an actual chance to win that have already gotten encores will be around in later weeks to do it again, and Magni won’t. Magni chose to put on his magic goggles again for the encore. They worked as well as they did yesterday.

Brooke got down to business and revealed to the rockers which of them were in the EBT – Jenny, Dana and Ryan, who received a chuckle of irony from the audience due to his Dana criticism. That actually made him smile. Maybe the audience needs to laugh at him more often. Maybe he should be a clown. Isn’t it rich? Zayra and Josh were added to the list of lame-o’s. Brooke demanded they all stand and take what’s coming to them like big boys and girls. Dave was flabbergasted that Josh and Jenny had not changed to step it up. This insulted the other three, but they didn’t know why.

Jenny was the first victim of public scorn. Tlee hates when it goes soft. He wanted her to make it hard. I wonder what he is talking about. Right, the music. Jenny opted for Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots. Wearing her best Eddie Vedder shorts, Jenny began to prounce around on stage (prounce – melding of prance and pounce). For my taste, she sounds better when trying to belt it out than she does folkin’ around. STOP FOLKIN’ AROUND! Her voice let her down in the bridge and it sounded like she was out of breath. She’s more comfortable trying to be Jewel than she is trying to be Suave Porn. However, with some training, I think she could come closer to what Suave Porn is looking for than the other two that would be the rest of the bottom three.

On the way too commercial, Josh was exposed standing back up from his seated position, after Brooke made it dang nern clear that the suck asses should remain standing. He is not a good listener. When we returned from the break, Josh was smeared with pig blood and chained to one of the fake Mayan columns in the back of the den with the rest of the potential sacrificial rockers. Ryan stood next to him with toothpicks in his lips trying to maintain his smile. Don’t mess with Brooke’s demands, dude. I learned that well enough last year when she was in love with me.

Dana was the next chosen one. The camera flashed to Dilana Mama whose countenance fleshed maternal concern. Not a good look for her. Give me the evil. She is so complex. Dana and Gibly conversed small talk, while Tlee turned his back to the camera with is right arm jiggling unseen. Dana decided to attack them with Sass Jordan’s High Road Easy. Sid originally turned me onto Sass Jordan way back when. What’s more amazing is Sid also turned my brother, Dr. Jellyfinger, who was the only non-gay guy I knew in college with a Lionel Richie poster in his dorm room and who thinks Rick Springfield is heavy metal, onto Sass. It makes me reconsider if I actually like Sass Jordan or not. Dana employed her best good girl fake strut to navigate the stage while she tried to show Suave Porn that she could, indeed, rock. She couldn’t. But that doesn’t matter because Tlee hasn’t nailed her yet. She’s safe until that happens. I did enjoy her voice in this performance, but my head was shaking like Jason’s, “NO! NO! NO!” watching her trying to transform herself into the evil Sandra Dee on stage.

Brooke shocked the world when she announced that Josh was the third turd. Josh received a back pat of confidence from Ryan, who, peculiarly, was smiling like The Joker as he did it. Something tells me he wasn’t being sincere with that back pat. Seeing Josh in this predicament also shocked Jason, who is considered as being part of “the world” even though he was in Metallica. He asked Josh why this has happened since he’s such a talented singer. Josh asserted that he needed to bring something heavy and ugly to the stage. He then announced that Rush Limbaugh would be accompanying him on sousaphone tonight, instead of Jason on bass.

Josh chose Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box with which to tempt fate. He accentuated his grunginess with a monster devil horn hand gesture, dude, as he began to croon. Yeah, that was authentic. It turns out, Josh, who I thought was merely trying to fill the show’s smile quota to make up for Ryan’s scowl, doesn’t actually smile when he sings. He suffers from Hoof and Mouth Disease and his jaw is wired shut, which is why he constantly sings through his teeth instead of opening his mouth like every other singer on Earth. I would like to apologize to all offended parties for making fun of a cripple. It was not my intent. I’ll let you know when I mean to make fun of cripples, so I won’t have to make another apology.

The Hatchet Man wears pink. Very intimidating. While Tlee was wiping off his hands, Gibly summed up the brutality we witnessed tonight. Jenny brought the edge back, but he doesn’t know if her vocals are strong enough. Dana can sing, has a good attitude, Tlee wants to do her, but Gibly isn’t sure if she gets it, man. Josh is a talented singer but why did it take so long for his vocal lava to solidify. Tlee announced that this is difficult for him since all of the performances were “OK”, and since they’re looking for an “OK” singer to front the band they were all tied. He axed Jenny, because he did her on the pool table two nights ago.

Among these three, I thought Jenny was the only one with potential to approach the Suave Porn realm, musically. With some more training, she could get there, at least closer that the other two. Josh is boy band (sorry you missed the boat on that one, dude – at least I hope that boat is gone), and Dana is a church/community theatre singer. They’re not bad, but they’re not fricken huge for Suave Porn. A butterfly can flitter around and pollinate flowers and weave chrysalises with wondrous aplomb, but you can’t ask it to charge like a rhino. Well, you can ask it to, but I don’t think butterflies understand human languages. You may have to use pheromones, visual cues and strictly choreographed flight patterns to get your message across. Or you can smash them with a tennis racket in mid flight. That’s always fun.

Rock Star - July 18 - Sid

I’m a busy man. Especially this week, so like Brooke said, “Let’s get this going, guys.”

Patrice – Helter Skelter: I really want to like her, but she oozes coffee house crooner so bad that I get a caffeine headache every time I watch her. Suave Porn seemed to dig her, but I’m still waiting for her to bring it. You know – “it”.

Josh – Come As You Are: Patrice was like the first time my alarm clock goes off – slap the snooze and doze back off. I was hoping Josh would be the snooze alarm that puts me in a choke hold and drags me out of bed before I’m late. Instead I just hit snooze again and missed my train. Thanks, Josh.

Storm – Just What I Needed: You know the old “I like you, but not that way” story? The chick that just wants to be friends with you because you’re like totally cool, but at the same time she is apparently physically repulsed by you? That’s what my relationship with Storm is turning into. I’ll make out with her while spinning my pop records from the 80’s, but if she tries to jump my bones when I play White Zombie I won’t be able to take her seriously and then I’ll start laughing and then she’ll get all offended and kick my ass.

Lukas – Let’s Spend The Night Together: I just sat here for 10 minutes. I don’t like him, but can’t think of anything evil to say. I don’t hate him, but I can’t think of anything nice to say. It’s kind of like eating crackers. Not a bad snack if I’m hungry, but there are a thousand other things I’d rather eat that would taste better and/or be better for me. If I were handing out nicknames, he’d be Ritz. Or whatever snack cracker Keebler makes. I’m far too busy a man to look it up.

Jill – All Right Now: Her nickname – Honest Abe. I’d probably pony up a $5 cover to see her in a bar, but that’s about it. Unfortunately, Suave Porn needs a Chester Arthur (he’s on the $50 bill, right?).

Ryan Star – Fortunate Son: Remember, I’m a busy man, and I’m tired of wasting time on Ryan Star. So I set up a little macro on my computer this week so that whenever I type “Ryan Star” it will automatically type, “Dude, please go away and pass your kidney stone elsewhere.” Expect no further commentary regarding this matter.

Phil – White Rabbit: Phil is starting to grow on me like a vacation beard. I don’t shave for a few days and it’s kind of itchy and annoying. But I keep it just to be a little different and annoy other people. Then it takes shape and I start to like it. Unfortunately for Phil, I eventually get bored with the beard and spontaneously shave it off. But right now I’m willing to let him keep growing.

Dana – It’s My Life: First, Jon Bon Jovi has better hair. Second, I felt like I was watching an American Idol contestant do a car commercial. That’s not very Suave nor Porn.

Toby – Runaway Train: To all you Toby Doters out there - if you’re going to make us watch him because he’s cute, can you at least make him somewhat interesting? At least we dress Brooke funny each week so you have something to talk about while we dote upon her.

Magni – Plush: I don’t know who was more bored – me or Suave Porn. I just don’t know why they can’t admit it.

Zayra – Everybody Hurts: After Toby’s Snooze-a-Palooza, Tommy said he wanted someone that might fall off the stage, somebody that scares him. Even though Zayra reigned it in this week, stood in one spot and kept the vocals clean, I couldn’t stop watching because I knew at any instant she might fall off the stage or frighten me with some Kung Fu moves or animal noises. She didn’t, but the potential was still enough.

Jenny – Drive: It’s like that high school beau you had that was going off to a different college than you, and you said you would stay true and write and all that crap, but it wasn’t long before you realized that it wasn’t going to work out and you’d have to break up. I’m at that point with Jenny, and coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to have to bid my baby adieu sooner than later. Godspeed, JenJen.

Dilana – Zombie: She’s got some cred built up, but this week seemed off. This week’s clam dip. Everyone’s raving, but I don’t get it. But I’m willing to try the next batch.

Early bottom three: Jenny, Dana, Ryan. I can work with that. Kind of like modeling clay. Speaking of which, it’s time to send Dana home before she hurts herself with a pair of fishnets.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Rock Star - July 18 Moist Rub

So, Billy the Kid and Socrates Johnson are trying to pick up these two chicks in the mall, and Siggy Freud intervenes and wrecks it for them. Wait, sorry, the kids are watching Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. If you think about it, it’s almost like tonight’s Rock Star show, except that Brooke had Jaclyn Smith hair, not eighties mall hair.

After reviewing the clashing of non-stars at the mansion, Tlee provided the obligatory “Mrorww” catfight sound in response to the girlie tangle over songs. Some may think the Egyptian Pyramids, or the Great Wall of China or the rain forests or Mount Rainier or boating expositions are the best things on the planet. They couldn’t be more wrong. According to Tlee, the best thing on the planet is a catfight. It’s hard to argue with him, because he’ll make your brain wilt with his cerebral sewage. Add to that Tlee’s equating being a rock star with fighting, not only will we soon have a lead singer for Suave Porn, we will also have a Nobel Prize for the band, too.

If that’s not drama enough for you, and how could it not be, mix in the possibility of one of the Suave Porn performing with one of the rockers on one of the songs and you’d think we were watching The Thornbirds. But, it’s just a rock show – a wonderful drama rock show.

PatriceHelter Skelter by The Beatles. With her seductive tone and ambiguous smile, Patrice added a new dimension to this fab four metal tune. And that dimension was, I thought she was more punk than that. Somebody reamed her for smiling during the song, but I thought it provided an element of insanity to the performance, especially when considered with the poppy nuances in her voice as they contradicted the rancorous essence of the song. Tlee, not knowing exactly what Patrice did, claimed he would have done the same thing. Again, I can’t argue with him – not without getting a lobotomy, anyway. Dave thought it was cute and thought she was on dope. Jason felt comfortable sitting on his chair, knowing he’s got a billion dollars in the bank.

JoshCome As You Are by Nirvana. How many acoustic songs do these numbskull rockers think Suave Porn are going to do? That may have worked for Marty last year with the soulful and sensitive The INXS, but Suave Porn hasn’t lived through the death of their singer, yet (I hope these rockers have read the small print in the contract about purposeful death and dismemberment). So, stay plugged in. Plus, Josh should have been wearing his grandfather’s sweater, like Kurt Cobain did on Unplugged. Nothing is more grunge than old people’s sweaters. Speaking of old people, I thought Josh’s voice sounded good in this song, except for his transitions from his usually soulful bad self to the grunge tones. He missed a few steps on that vocal staircase. Also, I kept expecting an Aaron Neville mole to invade his forehead. Josh succeeded in turning this grunge classic into a drifting dirge. He hasn’t proven he can fit with this band. But there is hope: six months of growing his hair out, and a few giant bags of drugs should get him there. His fans should hope they have that clinic before he gets ousted (that would be good clinic).

StormJust What I Needed by The Cars. This was just what I needed to decide that Storm doesn’t know what she’s doing. Or, maybe she does know what she’s doing, but isn’t very good at it. Who told her to use that retarded Lindsey Lohan look when peering into the camera? Or that intense look of dumbness? Or the crinkled “I’m painfully in a state of rock” face? Or the robotic mic stand stroke? I haven’t seen rigidity like that since the cowardly lion was scared by the flying monkey and pissed all over the tinman. She was trying to rock out, but her voice wasn’t letting her, except in a few moments of grit. Hard to believe, but Tlee didn’t have anything interesting to say off the top of his head regarding her performance. We’ll wait until you have something profound to share, Tlee. Dave fell for her act and complimented Storm’s thunderheads. That reminded Tlee what he wanted to say. Errrr, naked. Glad we waited for that. Storm suggested he Google her. Luckily, Tlee doesn’t know what Google is, otherwise he’d get pissed finding out a Google search for her begets no nudies (yes, I tried it and I’m pissed, too – thought I could finally scratch her off my list).

LukasLet’s Spend The Night Together by The Rolling Stones. I can’t even remember if he badaba-ba-pa-ed in this song. I meant to pay attention to see how he would conquer his hate for that lyric styling. He was ruing the day Mick ever wrote that. I guess he pulled it off because I didn’t start screaming or anything. I think it was the skunk hair that gave him courage. Anybody else think Paul, the keyboard player, had a little bit of Mrs. Partridge in his posture tonight? Give him a ruffled shirt and you wouldn’t have known the difference. Except for maybe the beard. Besides his habit of turning the lyrics, at times, into a blueberry squishy, I thought he sounded good, as usual. His stage presence looks familiar, but until I can pin it down, I’ll attribute it to him. Oh, wait – Laurie Anderson. No, that’s just his hair. I’ll get it. Dave liked Lukas’s arrogance (unless he’s ever got to be in a band with him). Tlee said Lukas raised the bar again and he was pulling up a barstool. ???????? Don’t ask me, I slept through schizophrenic psychosis in Psychology school. And one more thing, Paul, Mr. House Band leader music know-it-all, Gibly, the Rolling Stones afficianado, liked how Lukas messed with the song, claiming that is how Suave Porn would do it. So shut the hell up.

JillAlright Now by Free. Jill has succeeded in inheriting Jessica’s title as Bar Band Chick for this group of rockers – complete with bare midriff. She’s got a powerful voice and can definitely rock out, but not at the level Suave Porn pretends to be. Nothing against Jill, but I was hoping she would trip on the mic stand she kicked over. Sometimes, other people need to make sacrifices for my comedy entertainment needs. It can’t always be my grandmother losing her teeth in her beer glass. Dave was happy with her improving efforts. Tlee declared he was “alright now” (where does he come up with this insight?). Gibly wanted to get behind her in the shower. This is her only chance of making the band.

RyanFortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival. I’m forming a cover band called Creedence Stillwater Survivor. We’ll do CCR and Survivor songs dressed as the band from Almost Famous. And Kate Hudson will want to have sex with us. I was going to say that Ryan did this song better than Neal did last year, but I’m not sure. I think the House Band hates him, so they cranked up the volume so we couldn’t hear the vocals. They may have done him a favor. Ryan hung on the mic stand like a baby bonobo to his mother’s teat. Tlee crucified him for his lack of stage presence. Not only that, but Tlee did it in a creative manner, asking if Ryan had duct tape on his shoes. He was implying that Ryan’s feet were stuck to the floor. But, if he had duct tape on his shoes, the sticky part would be attached to his shoes, and he’d still be able to move around on the glossy side of the tape. I didn’t bring it up to Tlee, since it was one of his better lines on the show, and if he had said “two sided tape", which would have been more relevant, would not have sounded as comical, and I don’t think they can actually hear me through the television set (not since I got rid of my Mr. Microphone). Gibly also vilified Ryan for being a being a sourpuss on stage and wondered if he could smile. Ryan smiled and we saw why he doesn’t smile. We laughed at Ryan on the way to commercial. As Brooke read the segue, we watched Ryan forcing himself to smile into the camera. However, Brooke’s comments took longer than he thought, so he ended up looking like the oldest kid in a family portrait sitting trying to keep his smile, as it eroded away, while waiting for the younger kids to pose properly. And then he just gave up.

PhilWhite Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. Step right up for some added drama. When Jason stepped up on stage to play bass, I could have sworn I was watching General Hospital. You can’t make up drama like this. Jason out performed Phil, who, to his credit, seemed to be rock enhanced for this song. In retrospect, I think he was merely trying to not get launched off the stage by Jason’s exuberance. Like Storm, Phil has some trouble with dumb imbuing his facial expressions. I will admit, however, that Phil was able to work the stage effectively with Jason, and his voice tinged The Dickies toward the end of the song (good thing, in my book). Tlee, having exhausted his supply of witticisms, returned to baseness by asking Phil to keep turning his knob. If Phil can rid himself of the floppy arm saunter, he may have an outside chance to stick around.

DanaIt’s My Life by Bon Jovi. People that don’t know how to rock have the misconception that Bon Jovi can actually rock (except for some of Richie Sambora’s guitar work). Relying on her stripper walk, with an added touch of ostrich, to convey her rock currency, Dana proved her worth – back up singer for Bon Jovi. Or good little farm girl turned stripper after being denied the opportunity to front a made up band. Her vocal loom could not stretch her Shaun Cassidy fiber to weave the intensity needed to transform this song into Suave Porn material. On a brighter note, she could probably take at least fifth on American Idol, depending on the year. Tlee reeled off some comments about a damn hot Celine Dion killing harder. Gibly just didn’t see it, man, to which Dana replied, “I kill you Gibly Cluck.” It went better than I expected.

TobyRun Away Train by Soul Asylum. Toby or not Toby. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to make us suffer the slings and arrows of boring Soul Asylum song, and to take arms against a perch of Suave Porn, and by opposing end your chance to be in the band? To die: or to make us sleep. OK, it wasn’t that bad (I think I modified that Shakespeare to make it sound critical. Nobody knows what the hell Shakespeare was saying, anyway. And if they say they do, they're lying.). The audience looked bored and so did Dave. The best part of the song was the bridge, where Toby added some life to the song. But then he sang over the solo, but nobody yelled at him for it. He and Josh should start a boy band after they get kicked off this show. Unless he can ever prove he’s got the Suave Porn ‘tude. He’s got the voice. Tlee wants a singer that might fall off stage. I don’t think they’ll have that problem with Jason chasing whoever wins with his bass all over the place.

MagniFlush by Stone Temple Pilots. If you can ignore the Area 51 Martian-eyed sunglasses, which is impossible, you’d have to admit he did well with this song. Dave busted him for lack of stage presence, but, really, what can you do with the moderate tempo of this song? Jumping jacks won’t work – Matt tried them with that Duran Duran song. Maybe some squat thrusts. As excessive as Magni’s sunglasses were, they still could not hide the fact that he looks like a bald Weird Al Yankovic. But, good try. Next time, I’d go with the Ernest Borgnine rubber mask. Tlee punned, Magni-ficent. Gotta give him props on that one. I bet he was saving that one since the first show. Magni would make a good choice for them if they're looking for a front man who can sound good, but stay in the background.

ZayraEverybody Hurts by R.E.M. I think I have figured out the mystery of Zayra. When she sings (if you want to call it that), you feel like she is out of tune, but amazingly, she resolves the dissonance to an unexpected, but workable place. Not only does this technique give the song an interesting flow, you get sucked into wondering how the song is going to end. It’s like watching a Quentin Tarantino movie. Sure, his style isn’t for everybody, but those that do like it, really like it. And I think I may really like her style (not as much as Sid, mind you). I can’t say as much for her personality. But, I did like her strewn about hair tonight. Her look, and some of her sound/feel, reminded me of a wig-donning Sinead O’Connor, but not as socially conscionable. I think the pope might be safe with Zayra. She’s starting to win over the Suave Porn boys, especially Tlee who gave her the utmost compliment of “Yummy”. But, she won’t be yummy enough to win. Yummy enough to be manhandled and dropped on the curb, maybe.

JennyDrive by Incubus. Again, with the acoustic. See the Josh rant above. Jenny’s guitar looked too big for her, consequently reducing her to dorkiform. She made up for it by swinging it way down low so Tlee could see her love mound. Sometimes Jenny looks hot, sometimes not. You can’t depend on that light. Sometimes she can rock, sometimes not. You can’t depend on that sound. Had she plugged in, it may have saved her from the bottom three this week. Gibly hit the tack with the middle of his thumb when he said she’s too Lilith Fair, where they’re looking for Ozzfest. Good thing for Jenny, I hear Sara McLachlan is looking for a new guitar player.

Dilana – Zombie by The Cranberries. I think I love her. And the tambourine solo pounding on the mic hand with out disturbing the vocal and complete with the toss and catch? She’s too fricken huge for our band Suave Porn.

EBT – the dreaded early bottom three. I don’t like to brag, because I’m too tired to make up stuff about myself worthy of being bragged about, but I did predict the early bottom three tonight. THANK YOU!!!! Dana, Jenny and Ryan. Dana can’t rock, Jenny is inconsistent and Ryan is a big ball of stubble, non-smiling, duct tape shoe wearing, loner crud (I took that verbiage directly from my job description at work). Since I’m on a roll, I will predict that this EBT stays the same and Jenny goes home tomorrow. Tlee thinks Dana is hot, so she’s safe (for now). Ryan blows, but they’ve already gotten rid of two guys. They’ll do Jenny a favor and get rid of her in time for the Lilith Fair 10 year reunion tryouts. I'd give the encore to Patrice, but they'll probably give it to Lukas. Dilana should get it, but she's already been there. Also, my prediction of Tlee’s axe phrase: “You are the second second person to go.”

Monday, July 17, 2006

Rock Star - Mansion Show July 17 - Sid

Recap, song selection, blah, blah, blah, song selection, Courtney Love, blah, diapers, blah, blah, Chris, you’re the second one to go.

At the mansion, blah, blah, blah, yeah, Chris was the man, sip, gurgle, chug, I miss Chris, Chris was cool, man, he was just starting to learn how not suck, blah, blah, sip, toast, I loved Chris.

Lukas: I would have picked someone else.

Horrors! Everybody freeze! Did he really say that??? I think he did!

Murmur, murmur, Lukas, you suck, man, sip, chug, yeah, murmur, murmur, why are you such a dick, bro, sip, sip, yeah, now you’re going to have to tell the band who you would have sent home and why at the performance show, dude. Sip.

Jill looks pissed, even though they all know that Zayra is the one that should have been sent home. Everyone but Zayra. Sip. Toast to Chris.

Dilana then laments that she will never love again after the boys in Supernova broke her heart by following through on Brooke’s directive that someone will be going home each week. Good grief. Grow up, girlfriend – just because I pop the button on my Levi’s every time I eat a Brownie Earthquake from Dairy Queen doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it again. In fact, I’ll be right back…..

After getting their asses handed to them last week, Supernova sends vocal coach Lis Lewis to the mansion for the first clinic. Lis became a vocal coach because she was supposed to be named Liz, but both parents had speech impediments and the chick at the hospital wrote Lis on the birth certificate. Dilana is up first and in the spirit of William Hung proudly announces that she has no professional training whatsoever and breaks into a slow, dark version of She-Bang. Actually, Lis tells her that lower registers do not generate excitement or energy or some other “e” word that I can’t read in my notes. Dilana is forced to explore her higher registers in the same manner that Marty explored his softer side in Season One. She, also, is a willing student and will try to impress the band with her eagerness to explore her range until she comes in second place and gets back to what makes her and her fans happy.

Josh got yelled at for singing with his jaw and Lis threatened to break it if he didn’t wipe that silly grin off his face. Magni mesmerized Lis with his hypnotic Icelandic melodies and was sent to the Middle East to broker a peace agreement using only his voice. Patrice was runner up and would assume Magni’s role in the event he is unable to fulfill his duties. Lukas got yelled at again for trashing his voice and disappointing future crowds that would fill Wembley Stadium to see Supernova with him at the wheel. He didn’t appear too interested in song lady and wandered off muttering that he was not yet ready to reveal his other sides. Apparently the sides that aren’t such a dick.

Song selection time and the rockers turn this into a cage match. Next week I say they throw them into the Thunderdome and let them fight it out with some chain saws. Thirteen rockers enter, one rocker leaves. Last season’s crew looked like the mock UN at the local grade school compared to this gang. Josh decided he needed to rock this week and could only do it with a soulful Nirvana tune, so he grabbed Come As You Are as the others looked on as if he had just stolen some candy from a baby. I’ve never stolen candy from a baby because it’s usually already covered in drool and no candy is worth that. Lukas was too cool and too good to argue and would take whatever was left, apparently as long as it wasn’t that stupid Stones song that goes ba ba da da ba ba ba da da, because he’s too cool to sing ba ba da da ba ba ba da da. In the meantime, Patrice wants to do Helter Skelter and only Helter Skelter because it was a song that U2 stole from Charles Manson and she’s stealing it back, but Jill threatens to SharonTate her ass if she doesn’t allow anyone else to at least look at the song before she leaves. Patrice stands her ground amazingly well for a hippie chick, Jill fumes, and Zayra stands around looking confused, but not too concerned since she can spaz out to any song on the board. Or maybe not based on the faces of the house band during rehearsal. INXS might have kicked her ass for disrespecting an REM tune, but SN could be amused. I know I will be. Finally, Lukas drops into rehearsal and impresses the band with Let’s Spend the Night Together, but then remembers that he is immensely more talented than Jagger and Richards and shows the band how the play the song more better. The house band is afraid that Gibly will kick their asses on this one, but decide to give Lukas enough rope to hang from the rafters far from them.

Tune in to find out which lucky rocker picked the song on which Suave Porn themselves will be the house band. I know I can’t wait.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Rock Star - July 12 Moist Rub

How stupid are we? Do you realize what we are watching? I can imagine the network’s response to the part of the pitch for this show that explained the elimination portion of the Rock Star series. Les Moonves: “So, let me get this straight, on the third show of the week, we’ll present the three worst singers, the three that got the least amount of votes, the three that the public obviously doesn’t like, to sing another song, even though the public has told us they don’t like these people by not voting for them, and people will tune in to watch that? What kind of people?” Morons like me, Les, that’s who. It’s like watching a severed head. It looks like it can talk, but it can’t, and you don't want to miss it if it does.

Since we are morons, Brooke had to remind us, yet again, what is at stake – an apprenticeship with Jimbo’s Plumbing and Gutter Repair. Then Brooke asked Tommy, aka Tlee, to sum up his feelings about how the show is going so far. Er, whaaaat? Hi audience. Let’s get rollin’. Those are some deep feelings there, Tlee.

Bathroom break, otherwise known as “Let’s recap last night’s show”. We were privileged to get a peek at the rockers in their natural habitat – the mansion – as they whined about the lashing they took from Suave Porn. After which, each would be given an opportunity to backtrack their bitching and slurp the Suave Porn’s collective ass. Lukas cried that Jason doesn’t know that his vocal wraspiness is fifteen years old and is almost old enough to drive, but he can’t reach the pedals. When confronted, Lukas, dolled up like Liza Minelli, claimed he respects all of their opinions, but only while they’re in the same room. At the mansion, Jill bitched about Dave being harsh with the whip and raged pissness. Back at the studio, after being complimented about her hair, all she could do is talk about soaking up puddles with her box. Chris was soaking things up, too, in the rockers den with a mop since he has no box. But it was a different story back at the crib, where he moped around and flailed and bumped into things. Zayra grumbled enough on stage during the performance show, so they didn’t need to show her griping at home. Gibly confronted her regarding the importance of being familiar with the intended direction of the band, Suave Porn. After rephrasing the question, oh, I don’t know, maybe about a BILLION TIMES, he gave up and she never did answer the question. Instead, she chose to tongue tool for anus. She did share with us that she has 45 records in her collection, and Tlee added that records spin. Toby brought us back to Earth with some, relatively, sane comments about living on a giant island, mate. For that, they gave him the encore, but not before Tlee cleared the air about who was sitting where.

Toby’s performance was the same as the night before. Ahhhh, the night before. Were you telling lies, ahhhhh, the night before. When I held you near, you were so sincere. No, he wasn’t telling lies. I think he’s pretty good, so far. But, he hasn’t done anything yet I would consider Suave Pornish. I ate a Suave Pornish Hen once. It was delicious. Toby likes to rub his belly while he sings. He probably just ate a Suave Pornish Hen, too. Yummy. Celebrity sighting in the audience during the Toby show: a bleached blond Delta Burke. She looks shorter on TV during the 2000’s than she did in the eighties.

Before Toby or anybody else could get too overconfident, Brooke crushed all of our spirits by reminding us that no one is safe (except for everybody not named Jill, Chris and Zayra). They tried fooling us by making Jenny stand up, too. All that did was make Jenny’s feet hurt a little. Nobody bought it. During the tension of wondering who was going to be in the bottom three, we learned that Josh looks like an anemic Billy Crystal.

Jill won the honor of being the first rocker recognized for being hated by the public. After her confidence was boosted by Suave Porn bitch slapping her for contaminating their show with Courtney Love skanktity, she revealed that she would sing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. That fills the show quota for that song, hope a dope. Doing his best Howie Mandell impression, Tlee asked Jill why that song, why, why, why, why, what’s your name, what’s your name, WHAT’S YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN’ NAME!!!!! (that’s a Howie Mandell bit, for those not in the know). I’m not sure what her explanation was because I was still discombobulated by the Howie Tlee experience.

Jill redeemed herself. But, if I’m Suave Porn, and some drunk people I’ve told think I am, I’d feel comfortable knowing that Jill is versatile enough to sing this type of song well, which taps the well of rock, and also is able to pull out the horrible Courtney, just in case they ever need it – like in a bar fight. During the Jill redemption, the camera flashed to Zayra, who was thinking, “I wish I could sing like that. I wish I could sing at all.” The house band’s back up singing could have been better. They should bring in The Pips to give them a special clinic show. Jill’s mouth is bigger than her whole body.

Zayra, who needs to put a sock in her talking back impulse, volunteered, after being indicted by Brooke, to prove her worth next. We viewed her and Gibly’s prior caterwauling, when Zayra claimed she was in diapers when Suave Porn each achieved their individual fames. Tlee’s ears perked up when he heard this as he schemed to get her into diapers once again. Gibly caressed her with a more tactful roasting approach and then asked her how she planned to change the mind of Minolta. Definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Zayra chose to sing the same song – You Really Got Me by The Kinks. She is one crazy bitch. Crazy like a lemur. She quashed that old crazy adage (doesn’t mean she’s not a crazy bitch, however) by adding more rock to her rendition, and reducing the industrial waft and silliness from the night before. Ahhhhh, the night before. Enough of that. She was seductive and volatile and delivered a product more toward the Suave Porn end of the spectrum. Not quite in the same neighborhood, but a little closer. She better hope she’s still around for the scream clinic, or maybe take the scream out of her vocal repertoire. Horrible. On a personal note, her bangs are too long. I dig those deep brown eyes, and her bangs disturb my view. I’d suggest corralling the bangs into a unicorn forehead ponytail. That’s the look I want to know better.

Jason appreciates how Chris has been handling things, meaning he’s sucked so bad and has been badgered to bits and hasn’t committed suicide yet. That’s the next stepping stone. Chris, the third victim of the public’s indifference, chose to borrow Phil’s song (who just got back from trawling cod and was still wearing his life vest), If You Can Only See by Tonic. He decided to wax acoustic, which Jason described as a “good idea” as he averted his eyes downward, ousting Jason as a fibber. It was not a good idea. If I may quote Red Foreman, the father in That 70’s Show, do you know why bad things keep happening to you, Chris? It’s because you’re a dumb ass. This was Chris’s attempt to show Suave Porn who the real Chris is. And, he may have pulled it off, unfortunately for him. Like Dave said, this was Chris’s best performance. However, unless Suave Porn’s intention is to form an acoustic Tonic tribute band, the real Chris is not fricken huge for Suave Porn. I realized two things during Chris’s death song. One, he has a lisp. I never noticed it before. Buddy Hinton started making fun of him, so Peter cracked Buddy with a left hook. Baby talk, baby talk, it’s a wonder you can walk. On that same note, I couldn’t help fixate on Chris’s lips and tongue on the close shots of his face. Sort of slobbery, like a goat drinking a can of Yoo Hoo. Very Pee-Wee Hermanesque. I also realized that Gibly has to be the poorest of the Suave Porn. How much could a replacement rhythm guitarist of an imploding rock band make? Only about $9.50 an hour, I’m guessing. The temp agency probably took a pretty big chuck of that.

Gibly, the poorest Suave Porn, summarized the show. Jill confused them, Zayra needs to do her homework and she wants Tlee to teach her how to wear diapers, and Chris makes a good effort. That’s what we tell the shitty kids in little league. Good effort, too bad you can’t hit a beach ball thrown underhand by your grandma. Tlee the hatchet man took the spotlight to announce this week’s sacrificial rocker. He wielded his hatchet right at Chris’s neck achieving a direct hit. I don’t think Tlee’s elimination catch phrase is going to work, “You’re the second to go.” If he uses that next week, it won't make any sense, and we’ll all think he’s stupid.

Chris was appreciative for the opportunity Suave Porn gave him. Tommy seemed truly troubled at having to rid the boy. He is very sensitive. He told Chris and the rest of the rockers that there are no losers, you won. Does that mean I get to sing with the band? Not this band, Chris. Jason metaphorized that this cruel event was merely a stepping stone for Chris as he walked away, far away, from the Suave Porn party train. (Production Note: we will cast Tom Hanks to play Jason in the Suave Porn made for television after school movie of the week.) Chris thought it was ironic that his first EP was entitled Stepping Stone. Just like all of the other choices he made on this show, this determination was wrong, too. It was coincidental that his EP title was Stepping Stone. It would have been ironic if the title was Suave Porn Winner.

To end the show, Patrice kissed Chris full on the lips. Damn. I wanted to be Patrice’s first kiss. Now, she’s sullied.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Rock Star - Elimination Show July 12 - Sid

Brooke started the show with a little math lesson explaining that if a pastry chef falls down the stairs with 14 coconut cream pies, there’s a good chance that at least one will land upside-down and leave him with just 13 coconut cream pies. She then let coconut cream pie = rocker, and deduced that the mansion would be one body lighter this evening. And if she ever gets over herself and decides to read her fan mail and accept that dinner offer I mail out each day, I hope she wears the outfit she had on tonight.

So back at the mansion after the performance show, all the bad ass rockers ripped into SN for the all the unwarranted criticism that was bestowed upon their glorious auras. Fortunately the cameras were there to relay their responses back to SN, at which point Lukas explained that he was just misunderstood and had spent the evening sucking on throat lozenges and wrapping his neck with cool towels. Then Zayra explained that she was just misunderstood and secretly watched Headbangers Ball on MTV until it was banned by Puerto Rico’s communist regime. Then Jill explained that she was just misunderstood and will no longer come out of her box unless SN turns the crank on the box and the top pops open. Bunch of pussies. Remember last year when Marty got in INXS’s face and backed up this actions and words? I guess Tommy is a little more intimidating than Garry. Hey, and did you know Jason was in Metallica? Yeah, he was. Then Toby said something, but they need to give him subtitles. I honestly have no idea what he said, but I’m sure it had to do with buying a Rat’s Ass. Then Chris said something, but I always get distracted when he starts talking. This time it was Jill’s cleavage over his shoulder. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice it. Then Tommy volunteered his leadership to the rockers. A rocker den without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Tommy is always gonna be there to be that big toe for them. Then they all gave a big round of applause to their newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Tommy Lee.

Now it’s time to see what kind of rockers you are….

Toby got the encore for his “killer” performance. But I thought he was a little pitchy, dawg. I think the band changed the key just to mess with him, because I was ready to bust out the Bose noise canceling headphones. And he sounded so… so passable last night.

Bottom three time. Started with Jill, Chris and Zayra, and sucked in Jenny at some point. Jenny tried to win some points by wearing one of Dave’s armwarmers from the night before as a shirt. Next time she stays over she should just steal a non-descript t-shirt. First up is…

Jill – Bring Me To Life: I’m not an Evanescence fan, mostly because I’m not sure I know how to spell it, but I don’t have anything bad to say. She dressed like a rocker and delivered it like a rocker and sounded pretty damn good. Excuse me while I take my temperature.

Zayra – You Really Got Me: No, I didn’t screw up my post. She decided to do her own damn encore. She added some screeches, some howls, some squeaks, some heavy breathing and some phone sex. It worked for me.

Jenny was told to sit her ass down, while Chris had a look of disbelief on his face like he was just turned down for a date by an ungrateful female.

Chris – If You Could Only See: Yes, he chose to do Phil’s encore. Phil was looking much like Ill Mitch tonight and was hoping that Chris would punch while rap tonight. Instead Chris did a not bad, but not good, cover of Phil’s tune, but added some carefully orchestrated 15 degree body rotations to the left combined with some 37.5 degree head tilts to the right with eyes closed to really bring it home.

As we went to break, SN was playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, probably to decide who had to give Dave a ride home that night while his car was in the shop. When we came out of break our bottom three were lined up like the signal bars on my cellphone, dropping down to Jill with little to no reception.

To recap, Gilby explained that Jill frightened and confused them last night, Zayra didn’t do her homework and would have to stay after the show and polish SN’s piercing jewelry, and that the show Everybody Hates Chris isn’t about Chris Rock.

Jill was sent to sit her ass down. And then Zayra was sent to sit her ass down, leaving Chris standing there like Humphrey Bogart on the train platform in Casablanca.

Tommy reminded Chris that there are no losers on Rock Star and presented him with a deli platter from the Hello Deli and invited him to the banquet at the end of the season where they will all receive little plastic trophies and a pizza buffet.

Chris, in his goodbye speech, let everyone know that he still has about 200 copies of a crappy EP he made seven years ago and he’d be happy to go up in his mom’s attic and get one for anybody that wants one. Don’t everyone get up at once.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Rock Star - July 11 Moist Rub

Tonight’s performance show was not one with which you should trifle. But, I should. So I shall trifle away as I please. Let the trifling begin. Let he among you who has not trifled cast the first trifle. We have nothing to trifle but trifle itself. How much wood would a woodtrifle trifle, if a woodtrifle could trifle wood? O! She doth trifle the torches to burn bright. It seems she trifles upon the trifle of night Like a rich trifle in an Ethiop's ear; Trifle too rich for use, for trifle too dear. All right, shut the hell up.

Before I get into it, I would like to say a few words about Dave and the Suave Porn. Tattooey. Long-Hairs. Rich. And heteroclite. They are doing a much better job coaching these Rockers than the INXS did last year, and it’s only their third day (except for Dave). INXS must have checked their personalities at the door. Dave seems more relaxed around this new fake band. Bravo to you muchachos, dudes. Where was Butch Patrick, the amazing producer guy? Was there a Munsters reunion tonight? Not that I would know he wasn’t there because I’m ignoring him.

Brooke stole that dress from my closet. I was going to give it to her anyway – it was too loose on my ass.

To the rock.

MagniMy Generation by The Who. He chose to wear sunglasses to add some dimension to his bland head. He was tired of being confused as a member of Blue Man Group without the make up. Although, he should keep Blue Man Group in his rolodex for a possible gig after he gets ousted from this show in a couple of weeks. Hope he can play drums. Having said that, he did pretty well tonight. There must have been some magic in those old sunglasses he found. For when he put them on his head, he began to dance around. Well, he didn’t dance as much as he had some needed attitude in his performance tonight. The song helped him along by not giving him a hard time – pretty straightforward, that Who song is. Tommy felt Magni delivered ho humly. Yet, he said Magni had the “ho” going on, but needed more “hum”. I’m not sure but I think Tommy was trying to ask him for a blow job.

JennyTainted Love by Soft Cell. I used to have that album on tape. Best song on the album – Sex Dwarf. Run little doggy - Lure a disco dolly - Run my little sex dwarf. She fooled me with the beginning of the song by singing it like a Romanian mining song. Dave fell for it, too. Right before I was about to ram a bowling pin into the tv set, she kicked it up and got me dancing with the bowling pin. I didn’t want it to end. Me and my bowling pin fell in love all over again. If you think about it, our love has been a little tainted in the past. I’ll tell you about that later. Jenny has a distinctive voice, but I’m not sure she can be fricken huge for Suave Porn. She may have to be fricken huge on her own.

JillViolet by Hole. I blame Madonna. It’s her fault that has women like Jill thinking rock and roll is a multiple act play and you must change costumes for each act/song. Did Jill even consider how Suave Porn would feel having to back up a crazy person in a wedding dress? And, that’s what they would be if she was to pull something like this with them - a back up band. Wedding dresses are made to attract attention because the bride wants to be the focus. The groom just wants to hide in the shadows at the wedding, which is why he wears black, unless his deranged wife forces him to dress up like the Good Humor Man. Suave Porn does not want to hide in the shadows while the audience tells the bride lead singer how beautiful her dress is (and then lambastes her fashion choice behind her back). Think, Jill, think! Dave was correct when he made reference to her Courtney Love impersonation. She didn’t like that very much and let him know it. I thought she was going to bite his triangular eyebrows off. That’s not band facilitating behavior, Jill. Gibly added that she screamed the song, another fine observation. By the time Tommy asked about her panties, she was fuming and lasering a hole in the camera with her eyes while Brooke remedially read the cue cards on way to commercial. Jill, do you really want to be in a band with these kinds of people? I’m pretty sure they don’t want to be in a band with your kind of dynamite. If they did, they would have invited Courtney Love to the show.

ZayraYou Really Got Me by The Kinks. Or Van Halen. Zayra (pronounced zae-rah – say it with me, zae-rah), tried to distract the audience from her feeble singing voice by karate chopping at them and infusing “When Harry Met Sally” fake orgasm yelps into her act. Add to that some rabid, yet constrained stage dancing, and she had me. Gibly condemned her for not understanding what Suave Porn was all about. She barked at him. I don’t think her strategy of arguing with the band and calling them geezers is going to help (see Storm later). But, I have to take her side on this one, and it’s not just because Sid is in love with her. She stayed within herself, and whether I liked the performance or not (I did – I dug what she did with the song), that is what she needs to do. Gibly can say that her style is not fricken huge for Suave Porn, but don’t scratch her eyes out because it doesn’t match what they know how to do. Gibly is a rude boy.

ChrisTake Me Out by Franz Ferdinand. He is no Marty. I’ve been on Chris’s side up until now. He doesn’t have it, and he’s gonna need some Marty growth to get there. I don’t know what he was doing with his voice and I can’t even spell it but it was something like wwahwwawawawaahhilgh. This was his attempt to find the right note at certain points in the song. It’s in there somewhere, please ignore the rest. Dave suggested that Chris seemed like a winner of a contest at a charity event and that he needs some authenticity. Right on, Dave. He’s a seasoned veteran at this perch preaching. Chris kowtowed pathetically at him. It’s ok to want to learn to be a real rocker, but try to do it by keeping your tongue off your heroes asses. Jason coached Chris to get down to who he is. This contradicts what Gibly told Zayra. Inklings of some future strife within the band, I sense, Yoda. Suave Porn is breaking up before they ever got started. Jason can take Gibly in a fight.

DilanaRing of Fire by Johnny Cash. Dilana either smokes too much, screams too much, or has testacles, or some combination of the three. She makes me sound like Stacy Fenderson (she was a girl in my grade school with a really high pitched voice – sorry for the obscure reference. But, now you know. Feel free to use this reference for yourself at a cocktail party if you’re looking to feign sophistication). Decked out in Elvira-wear, Dilana delivered a mystical raga version of the Cash classic. She sounds like Marianne Faithfull. Not the young Mick Jagger loving Marianne. The older, Metallica back up singer Marianne. That is neither good nor bad, it just is. I couldn’t remember Marianne Faithfull’s name until the end of the show. My brain don’t work so good sometimes. I was proud of myself that I didn’t have to Google her (she hates that – it makes her sneeze), like I had to with all the other facts in this literary masterpiece. Dave tricked Dilana into thinking she sucked. He got her and he cracked me up. Diggin’ Dave, dudes. Gibly gave her the non-compliment of uniqeness. Tiny Tim was unique, doesn’t mean he was good. I’ve always considered this song to be boring. She didn’t change my mind, but that’s not her fault. It’s Madonna’s.

JoshWith Arms Wide Open by Creed. He’s no Marty. Marty made me like this song. I don’t like it anymore. I should thank Josh for that. His psuedo-arrogance made him say some crap when he should have been gearing up for the first lyric. That threw him off, which brings up the old adage with which I scolded Brandon last year – shut up and sing. He couldn’t hit all the notes, his performance was disconnected, he was smiling like an idiot, he had no power, he misdirected his “soul”, he doesn’t know how to rock, his hair is too short and he can’t move effectively on stage. Besides that, I think he’s got a great shot at winning this thing. What does Suave Porn think? They think he’s an ad-libbing Stevie Wonder with frogs in his socks.

PhilIf You Can Only See by Tonic. They shouldn’t have Phil and Josh sing right after each other. I get confused as to who is whom. Or whom is who. One smiles too much, the other pouts incessantly. Some people have puppy dog eyes. Phil has a puppy dog mouth. Like other divergent metaphors, it’s annoying. You have to have a different look than the dejected, over-sensitive, absorbed croon-rocker. Dave likes his voice. Tommy loves the way he sings and might be gay for him. Jason doesn’t like his spineless posture on stage and told Phil to plant his feet and crush it. Finally, some sense from the perch. Phil doesn’t know what to crush, but claims he will. Next week, he’ll be wearing a Gallagher rubber bald head and smashing watermelons on stage to the tune of Copacabana (a song suggest to him by Matt before he was left).

StormSurrender by Cheap Trick. I wasn’t sure where she was going with this song at the beginning. Her hair told me Cyndi Lauper, her voice told me Blondie and her eye make up told me Barbara Streisand. Eventually, she punk-popped it up and rolled with it. She had me at “doin’ it on the cooooouuuuuuchh”. She’s selling me sexuality, but I don’t have any money. Not everybody wants to have sex with you, Storm. Why, did she say something about me? I like her anyway. She needs to work on her robotics on stage, as in, get rid of them. Jason likes her energy. Dave said she has a huge voice, but he may have been talking about her ass. He also mentioned she had some Ty Taylor in her as if she were performing in Cats, to which Storm answered with a hardy guffaw. That’s how you take criticism, Jill and Zayra. Make the best out of the bad just laugh it off - You didn’t have to come here anyway, right Rod? Dave also philosophized “have character, don’t be a character”, like Tommy. Dave is wise. As I said, I like her, but she’ll need to grizzle herself to fit in with Suave Porn.

PatriceHeart Shaped Box by Nirvana. She’s no Jordis. But, she may be a small version of Sweet Suzie McNeil. She’s got similar hair and similar vocal tonality and similar small breasts. Would you quit bringing up her small breasts? I didn’t, he did. Oh, that’s ok then. They are fine small breasts. My man boobs are bigger, that’s all I’m saying. We don’t want to hear about your man boobs, either. Sorry. Patrice had a rough start with this song, but came around the mountain when she came. A valid effort, but nothing special. It’ll keep her safe for now. She’s got a thing, but it might not be a Suave Porn thing. Gibly, the hypocrite, commended her on doing it her way. Did you hear that Zayra? Are you going to take that? Tommy asked that she swing the guitar down way down low so he can see her crotch. I don’t think he’s actually listening to the songs.

LukasDon’t Panic by Coldplay. If I ever heard this song before, it didn’t leave much of an impression on me. But, Lukas did. He’s versatile. He began the song with a Liam Gallagher pose at the mic, but relinquished that for a stage commanding stroll while he sang. His voice was strong and confident with good emotion. He is the front-runner. I guess you have to be a dick to win these kinds of shows. Dave professed some wisdom, which I am too dense to understand, about Lukas’s foot being up the asses of the other contestants in the future. Jason asked Lukas to stand up. I am standing, he said. He told Lukas to take care of his instrument. The phallic references on this show are abundant.

RyanJumpin’ Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones. Ryan, like Josh, and Toby for that matter, needs longer hair if he wants to front this band. He chose the typical hold the mic stand first then navigate the stage afterwards technique, adding the crowd crawl to shake things up. He’s quite an entertainer and he’s just filler on this show. Not bad, but he doesn’t have “the boys” for this band. Dave thought he had some energy and attitude and then lost it and then got it again at the end, like a born again Christian or a romantic comedy. I thought his energy and attitude was forced and that he was running out of breath at the end because he was scream-rocking, which is a method used by those who cannot rock. Tommy wanted Ryan to show him a boat, which, again, I assume has something to do with Tommy wanting to see Ryan’s crotch. I see a trend developing here.

DanaBorn To Be Wild by Steppenwolf. I read Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse. I also read some other books by Herman Hesse, one of which was Narcissus and Goldmund, but I don’t remember anything about them. I do remember them being meaningful to me at the time I read them. Like those books, Dana’s performance means something to me right now, but I will soon forget about her. That meaning is bitchy rural prom queen who whined her way into the starring roles in the school plays. There is more to rock and roll than walking like a stripper and dressing like a catalog biker chick. She’s pretending out there on stage. She’s got a nice voice, I’ll give her that. But that’s about it. Have fun posing for the beautiful people. Gibly wants her to expose the dirty rock. She can’t. Jason thinks she’s made out of clay and would like to mold her. He might. Tommy said she was “born to be mild”. He’s right.

TobySomebody Told Me by The Killers. Toby can rock. He’s a little nasally, probably too much dirt from the Outback jammed up his nose. The scream he bellowed at the end of the song sounded like Howard Dean as he inadvertently declined the Democratic presidential nomination a few years ago. If he keeps that up, he may eventually inadvertently decline the Suave Porn nomination. But, he’s got a shot (so far). I can't take anybody named Toby seriously. He'll have to change his name to Merv if he wants my respect. Tommy wants him in the band so to attract more chicks. He’s got his priorities.

The early bottom three were Jill, Chris and Zayra. I can’t argue with them, but I think it’s going to be Jill, Chris and Phil/Josh. The far east will keep Zayra around. They get it. If I'm one of the thirteen other rockers, I'm hoping Lukas feels I should be in the bottom three. He sucks at picking them.