I’m a busy man. Especially this week, so like Brooke said, “Let’s get this going, guys.”
Patrice – Helter Skelter: I really want to like her, but she oozes coffee house crooner so bad that I get a caffeine headache every time I watch her. Suave Porn seemed to dig her, but I’m still waiting for her to bring it. You know – “it”.
Josh – Come As You Are: Patrice was like the first time my alarm clock goes off – slap the snooze and doze back off. I was hoping Josh would be the snooze alarm that puts me in a choke hold and drags me out of bed before I’m late. Instead I just hit snooze again and missed my train. Thanks, Josh.
Storm – Just What I Needed: You know the old “I like you, but not that way” story? The chick that just wants to be friends with you because you’re like totally cool, but at the same time she is apparently physically repulsed by you? That’s what my relationship with Storm is turning into. I’ll make out with her while spinning my pop records from the 80’s, but if she tries to jump my bones when I play White Zombie I won’t be able to take her seriously and then I’ll start laughing and then she’ll get all offended and kick my ass.
Lukas – Let’s Spend The Night Together: I just sat here for 10 minutes. I don’t like him, but can’t think of anything evil to say. I don’t hate him, but I can’t think of anything nice to say. It’s kind of like eating crackers. Not a bad snack if I’m hungry, but there are a thousand other things I’d rather eat that would taste better and/or be better for me. If I were handing out nicknames, he’d be Ritz. Or whatever snack cracker Keebler makes. I’m far too busy a man to look it up.
Jill – All Right Now: Her nickname – Honest Abe. I’d probably pony up a $5 cover to see her in a bar, but that’s about it. Unfortunately, Suave Porn needs a Chester Arthur (he’s on the $50 bill, right?).
Ryan Star – Fortunate Son: Remember, I’m a busy man, and I’m tired of wasting time on Ryan Star. So I set up a little macro on my computer this week so that whenever I type “Ryan Star” it will automatically type, “Dude, please go away and pass your kidney stone elsewhere.” Expect no further commentary regarding this matter.
Phil – White Rabbit: Phil is starting to grow on me like a vacation beard. I don’t shave for a few days and it’s kind of itchy and annoying. But I keep it just to be a little different and annoy other people. Then it takes shape and I start to like it. Unfortunately for Phil, I eventually get bored with the beard and spontaneously shave it off. But right now I’m willing to let him keep growing.
Dana – It’s My Life: First, Jon Bon Jovi has better hair. Second, I felt like I was watching an American Idol contestant do a car commercial. That’s not very Suave nor Porn.
Toby – Runaway Train: To all you Toby Doters out there - if you’re going to make us watch him because he’s cute, can you at least make him somewhat interesting? At least we dress Brooke funny each week so you have something to talk about while we dote upon her.
Magni – Plush: I don’t know who was more bored – me or Suave Porn. I just don’t know why they can’t admit it.
Zayra – Everybody Hurts: After Toby’s Snooze-a-Palooza, Tommy said he wanted someone that might fall off the stage, somebody that scares him. Even though Zayra reigned it in this week, stood in one spot and kept the vocals clean, I couldn’t stop watching because I knew at any instant she might fall off the stage or frighten me with some Kung Fu moves or animal noises. She didn’t, but the potential was still enough.
Jenny – Drive: It’s like that high school beau you had that was going off to a different college than you, and you said you would stay true and write and all that crap, but it wasn’t long before you realized that it wasn’t going to work out and you’d have to break up. I’m at that point with Jenny, and coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to have to bid my baby adieu sooner than later. Godspeed, JenJen.
Dilana – Zombie: She’s got some cred built up, but this week seemed off. This week’s clam dip. Everyone’s raving, but I don’t get it. But I’m willing to try the next batch.
Early bottom three: Jenny, Dana, Ryan. I can work with that. Kind of like modeling clay. Speaking of which, it’s time to send Dana home before she hurts herself with a pair of fishnets.