Brooke started the show with a little math lesson explaining that if a pastry chef falls down the stairs with 14 coconut cream pies, there’s a good chance that at least one will land upside-down and leave him with just 13 coconut cream pies. She then let coconut cream pie = rocker, and deduced that the mansion would be one body lighter this evening. And if she ever gets over herself and decides to read her fan mail and accept that dinner offer I mail out each day, I hope she wears the outfit she had on tonight.
So back at the mansion after the performance show, all the bad ass rockers ripped into SN for the all the unwarranted criticism that was bestowed upon their glorious auras. Fortunately the cameras were there to relay their responses back to SN, at which point Lukas explained that he was just misunderstood and had spent the evening sucking on throat lozenges and wrapping his neck with cool towels. Then Zayra explained that she was just misunderstood and secretly watched Headbangers Ball on MTV until it was banned by Puerto Rico’s communist regime. Then Jill explained that she was just misunderstood and will no longer come out of her box unless SN turns the crank on the box and the top pops open. Bunch of pussies. Remember last year when Marty got in INXS’s face and backed up this actions and words? I guess Tommy is a little more intimidating than Garry. Hey, and did you know Jason was in Metallica? Yeah, he was. Then Toby said something, but they need to give him subtitles. I honestly have no idea what he said, but I’m sure it had to do with buying a Rat’s Ass. Then Chris said something, but I always get distracted when he starts talking. This time it was Jill’s cleavage over his shoulder. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice it. Then Tommy volunteered his leadership to the rockers. A rocker den without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Tommy is always gonna be there to be that big toe for them. Then they all gave a big round of applause to their newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Tommy Lee.
Now it’s time to see what kind of rockers you are….
Toby got the encore for his “killer” performance. But I thought he was a little pitchy, dawg. I think the band changed the key just to mess with him, because I was ready to bust out the Bose noise canceling headphones. And he sounded so… so passable last night.
Bottom three time. Started with Jill, Chris and Zayra, and sucked in Jenny at some point. Jenny tried to win some points by wearing one of Dave’s armwarmers from the night before as a shirt. Next time she stays over she should just steal a non-descript t-shirt. First up is…
Jill – Bring Me To Life: I’m not an Evanescence fan, mostly because I’m not sure I know how to spell it, but I don’t have anything bad to say. She dressed like a rocker and delivered it like a rocker and sounded pretty damn good. Excuse me while I take my temperature.
Zayra – You Really Got Me: No, I didn’t screw up my post. She decided to do her own damn encore. She added some screeches, some howls, some squeaks, some heavy breathing and some phone sex. It worked for me.
Jenny was told to sit her ass down, while Chris had a look of disbelief on his face like he was just turned down for a date by an ungrateful female.
Chris – If You Could Only See: Yes, he chose to do Phil’s encore. Phil was looking much like Ill Mitch tonight and was hoping that Chris would punch while rap tonight. Instead Chris did a not bad, but not good, cover of Phil’s tune, but added some carefully orchestrated 15 degree body rotations to the left combined with some 37.5 degree head tilts to the right with eyes closed to really bring it home.
As we went to break, SN was playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, probably to decide who had to give Dave a ride home that night while his car was in the shop. When we came out of break our bottom three were lined up like the signal bars on my cellphone, dropping down to Jill with little to no reception.
To recap, Gilby explained that Jill frightened and confused them last night, Zayra didn’t do her homework and would have to stay after the show and polish SN’s piercing jewelry, and that the show Everybody Hates Chris isn’t about Chris Rock.
Jill was sent to sit her ass down. And then Zayra was sent to sit her ass down, leaving Chris standing there like Humphrey Bogart on the train platform in Casablanca.
Tommy reminded Chris that there are no losers on Rock Star and presented him with a deli platter from the Hello Deli and invited him to the banquet at the end of the season where they will all receive little plastic trophies and a pizza buffet.
Chris, in his goodbye speech, let everyone know that he still has about 200 copies of a crappy EP he made seven years ago and he’d be happy to go up in his mom’s attic and get one for anybody that wants one. Don’t everyone get up at once.