Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 31 Moist Rub

Tim started off the show by expressing concern for the people in New Orleans (I assume he meant all people in that area) traumatized by Hurricane Katrina. From what I’ve seen, it sucks big time down there. I’m glad there aren’t any unscrupulous curs that would make the situation worse by looting the victims and distracting the police who are tying to maintain order until the clean up is done. Man, people suck sometimes. Tim and the rest of the guys were gracious to make a donation to the Red Cross to aid those people. Helps balance out the fuckwads in this world and preserve the Karma. Brooke added, "Our hearts go out to everyone." Thanks for the sentiment, Brooke, but let's focus our intentions on just the hurricane victims.

The INXS and Dave deemed Suzie’s Bohemian Rhapsody performance one of epic caliber. Or maybe they said it should be on Epic records. They awarded her the encore. She hopped agog and started hugging the other Rockers as she pushed them aside to make her way to the stage. Not so fast, Suzie Sweetcheeks. Last night’s show was so spectacular that the INXS wanted to relive at least a third of it. MiG took off his shoes and used all ten toes to do the math. He determined that would take about 2.176293 performances to equal a third of last night’s show. Marty explained to him the impracticality of having 0.176293th of a performance, and he told MiG about truncating as a method of rounding off numbers. Thusly, the INXS approved two encore performance and bequeathed Suzie the power of attorney to choose the opening act. Without hesitation (maybe due to editing) she chose Mr. Marty Casey. She wants him bad. I can’t wait for the cat fight episode between Suzie and Jordis. It’ll be primal. (Check out Rockin’ chicks.)

Marty chose to dish out a Raga/Gregorian Chant version of Wish You Were Here, but he switched it back at the last second when he realized the band was playing it the regular way. Marty copped some David Bowie stature out there tonight. I think it may have been the hair combing, since that sense went away after he mussed up the do a little. Marty baked it. Dude, he baked the cake! It was better than last night, which is hard to do since we’re usually bored to cranium dust with the songs by Wednesday. The performance got Garry Beers shedding some tears, and he and the rest of the INXS obliged with the standing ‘O’. Afterward, Marty gave Suzie a big hug and whispered in her ear, "I like Jordis better and we even made out - I still have a little bit of her spit in my mouth." But, it didn’t phase her. She bashed it up again, baby. I don’t care what any of you nay-sayers say (which I presume is "nay"), she quaked that song, even if she didn’t hit the glass breaker. Besides, Roger Taylor hits the high note in that song; Freddie Mercury doesn’t.

They took us back to the mansion shenanigans. As we’ve already learned, MiG is good at math. And, it’s a good thing, too. He was able to put everything into perspective for the other Rockers by figuring that if there are only six of them left, and three make the bottom three, almost half of them will be in the bottom three. He did that without even taking off his shoes.

Then the fun started. JD confronted Suzie regarding her nefarious bashing of him. How dare she!? What did she say again? It must have been some heinous attack on his character for him to be so offended. Yes, that’s right, she made a comment about the extended length of time he spent in the recording studio. Dems fightin’ woids! What does that even mean? Is that a good or bad thing? She didn’t say he spent a long time in the studio and therefore he must have sucked huge ass! The statement was utterly harmless. And that was enough to piss off JD. If that’s all it takes, for his peace of mind, I hope he never reads this blog. He’ll come after me and try to run over me with his house (I can’t make the ‘living in a car’ jokes too much longer, since the JDidiots are going to make him rich soon). Suzie should have roasted him. Instead, she cowered and tried to make peace by saying she was "genu-eye-nly" sorry (gotta dig that Canadian accent. Well, I guess you don’t gotta, but I do). At least JD was mature about it when he said, "I don’t think you’re my friend." To which Suzie should have replied, "No shit, you are a prick and a half." During this, we switched back and forth to the others reaming JD more than Suzie ever did. Ty calls JD a bully (which is nothing compared to what he calls the INXS later in the show. More coming on that.) They probably cut out all of the tasteless, fun jabs the Rockers took at him. Like when Jordis said something about him being hung like a gnat. Had he been exposed to this lashing, JD’s only recourse would have been to create an imaginary friend named, The JDster. Do imaginary friends use only imaginary numbers? Let’s ask MiG*i .

We picked up the discussion at the fake Mayan. The INXS called upon Marty to make some sense out of this mess. He correctly diagnosed JD’s issue as being of the insecurity variety (probably due to JD being hung like a gnat). Then, Marty made one of the most true statements ever heard on the show (because it is exactly what I stated blogs ago, so it has to be true). The drama on this show should be limited to what happens on the stage. He must be a genius! He went on to say stuff about focusing on the goal, staying the course, a thousand points of light, no new taxes, etc...he lost me there. Ty was called to the pulpit next. He proceeded to jam his nose right through JD’s sphincter by saying JD has too much talent to resort to these kinds of antics. Obviously, he doesn’t. Which show are you watching? Suzie, who seems destined to be a battered wife, blames herself and claims she hurt JD. Listen up, Suzie. JD’s skin is so thin, you could hurt him with the jawbone of an imaginary ass (named The JDster). What Suzie needs is a kind, gentle, warm-hearted man, like me, because she deserves it and she’s going to be rich. JD glosses over the entire controversy by saying "I’m just here to sing. I have no idea who these people are or what they are talking about." The INXS agrees, "Right JD, this isn’t about you. Sorry to bother you." They changed the subject by asking Jordis what her feelings were about making the bottom three. She said she couldn’t make it because she had to catch a bus. Then to MiG, why do you love the bottom three? MiG likes having his head on the chopping block if that’s what the INXS wants him to do. Then to Marty - bottom three? Marty would be proud to be there. Dave chimed in, "That’s enough bullshit, let’s get on with this."

All but Suzie raised their hands when Brooke asked who believes they would be in the bottom three. Suzie eventually raised her hand out of perceived peer pressure. I’m tellin’ ya, Suzie, some guy is going to end up taking advantage of you and slapping you around (seriously, I think that may actually happen, given her propensity for doormatness, which would be totally uncool). Take me up on my offer. I’ll protect you and your money. Again with the standing up of the early bottom three from last night: JD, Ty and Marty. Stand up, sit down, stand up, roll over...what is this - CHURCH? Jordis also had to stand because she made her way to the final three at some point, too. MiG and Suzie were safe. An admirable note about Suzie: she has no problem letting her happiness shine through when something good happens to her, instead of trying to cover it up with feigned concern about the welfare of the more unfortunate Rockers. I like that.

Finally, on to the elimination performances. This was much easier when it was a half hour episode.

JD - This Time. Not horrible. But I’ll say it again - I don’t like his voice. I know I say that a lot, but I’m only doing it to keep up with the number of times he tells us he really wants to be the new lead singer of INXS. That’s fair, I think. He was pitchy and got a little lazy with his stage movements. The INXS asked him how he feels singing an INXS song. As evidenced by his brown eyes, he was full of shit with his answer, comparing it to the impossibility of describing a favorite summer as a kid. Well, JD, let me take a crack at it. It was my first summer of puberty. My parents were never home, so we had keg parties all of the time. I was drunk every day, and Chrissie Hynde showed me what that hole was for. And that’s the abridged version. I could go on, but I have to get to bed. Admit it, you have no idea what is going on, do you, JD?

Ty- The One Thing. He had pits. I told you that’s why he holds the microphone that way. He stated he was excited and heartbroken to be in the bottom three. It's not easy being a living oxymoron. Just wait a little bit, you’ll wish you were in the bottom three next week. I’ve enjoyed Ty’s voice in every song until now (and maybe Everlong). He did not know how to sing this song. His phrasing was too direct and his voice lacked sensuality. Add to that his lyric flub and his oblivious smugness and you have a big pot of ‘uh oh’. The irony here is that he told the INXS that it was his soul that set him apart from the rest of the Rockers, yet I sensed absolutely no soul in his performance of this song, which happened to be an INXS song, I believe.

Brooke tricked Marty into believing he was number three, or do you say the holy ghost? Marty’s fans banned together to give him the most celebrated comeback since Jerry Stiller. It was Jordis nobody liked. It wasn’t Marty at all. That kooky Brooke.

Jordis - Listen Like Thieves. It was the best of times. It was the not so best of times, especially in the bridge. She held her own, but seemed a little unsure of what she was doing with the song. She may be able to sing it better with more rehearsal. That could be said for most on them. So, Jordis, what can you bring to the INXS? She didn’t know. C’mon, she’s only 23, for Crimean sakes. She doesn’t even know what she has to bring yet. Just bring your toothbrush, a dread comb and a change of underwear, the band will handle the rest. She said she’ll bring an open book (Sea Wolf by Jack London) and a young talent (Macaulay Culkin). What she would bring is a pretty darned unique voice. Can’t you guys hear? But, before I’d hire her, I’d give Angus Young a call and have him teach her how to move around a stage. She’s a little stoic.

Tim informed them that they all blow. At least tonight they did. He told them that this decision was very difficult for them, but it didn’t keep him from telling them how bad they were. Bitter sweet, I suppose. They couldn’t decide, so they let the Bozo arrows pick the loser. And the Bozo arrows pointed to TY!!!!. Based on tonight’s performance alone, I would agree. Overall, I would have booted JD (big shocker, huh?). Ty was devastated. It pained him to speak. Then he did it. He pulled the race card. He stated that his people are not sufficiently represented in rock ‘n roll. Unless he was talking about people with arm pit sweat and pointy mohawks, I assume he was talking about African-Americans. Basically, he insinuated that INXS’s motives in letting him go were tainted with racism. That’s a shame. I’m not saying it didn’t play a factor in their decision (I have no idea either way), but there has been no evidence of that being the case. It’s unfair to INXS, and it’s unfair to those that are truly hindered by racist actions. Maybe his deflated condition led him down that path. I don’t know. He finished by letting the other Rockers know how much they meant to him. Now, that was bitter sweet. I hope, after his emotions level off, he rethinks what he implied about race playing a role in the final decision. Unless, of course, he can show it really did. If that’s the case, I say whale on them.

I still think it should have been JD. It was the perfect time to launch him after Marty commanded that the drama should be left on the stage. This rendered the drama clown obsolete like Aunt Bea's chastity belt. The JD rash will remain for another week. Hopefully, the pharmacy will deliver the ointment by then.

Rock Star - Aug 31 - Sid

I missed the elimination show tonight due to a work commitment that involved eating fish in Atlanta during the broadcast. It was trout, thanks for asking. So here’s my review of the show based on a short conversation with Mrs. F’er and a very brief review of a message board.

Mrs. F’er was stuck in traffic and missed the beginning of the show. Actually she was in the shower and missed the beginning of the show. See, the shower would have been taken care of before the show had it not been for the traffic jam. In any case, personal hygiene is a priority in her life and I find it a good quality in a wife. So I excused this malfeasance and will patiently await Moist Rub’s summary of the early show controversy and encores that I’ve been hearing about on the street. I haven’t seen his update yet, so I hope he’s not dead or anything. From what I gather, Suzie is a conniving bitch, JD killed Santa, and Suzie and Marty get an encore.

Tonight’s bottom three proved the theory first raised by Mack the Fork. Getting your name in the “early” bottom three will mobilize your fans, if you have any, to vote their asses off to save yours. It happened to Jordis last week and Marty this week. The same way Gene Simmons deployed the Kiss Army to win the Ed Sullivan show back in the 70’s. So, Jordis joins JD and Ty for a shot to go home.

Mrs. F’er said that each and every one of the bottom three performances blew donkey cock. OK, she didn’t really say that, but apparently OBINXS did. Jordis has too many fans to send her home yet even though she’s definitely not roit for OBINXS. JD is the only one keeping the mansion interesting, so Mark Burnett says he stays. So, OBINXS gives Ty the boot to save him from another of Sid’s weekly diatribes. Thank you, Lords O’ Music, thank you. I won’t comment on Ty’s closing arguments, because they probably sucked and I haven’t heard them firsthand yet.

I’m guessing the usual suspects cried while Marty and JD gave each other jailhouse tats and Brooke told us that she would see us next time on Rock Star: INXS. And we’ll see you next time on LeperPop.

Rock Star - Aug 30 - Sid

So this week kicked off with Brooke talking about a bunch of stuff. I was just waiting to find out what number to call to vote for her. Just let her be the lead singer and lip synch to the original Michael Hutchence vocals. Case closed.

We got the Reader’s Digest version of last night’s mansion show. We always had Reader’s Digest in the bathroom when I was growing up and I believe that’s the reason I haven’t been able to read a full-length novel in the last 10 years. No matter how many steroids you pump into Ben Johnson, he just ain’t going to win a marathon. But I digress.

Nothing too controversial this week, except for JD flubbing the studio challenge after prepping like a Hoosier for Hurricane Katrina. He claimed he was just waiting for the band to tell him what to do. I might not know what to do when a pipe explodes in my house, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have a beer and take a nap while I wait for the plumber to show up.

Jordis got reamed for tricking up the melody and claimed she thought it was part of the clinic. The “Rewrite INXS Songs Because We Desperately Need Your Help, Jordis” clinic.

Marty was praised for wrapping his vocal cords in lace and getting in touch with his feminine voice. Kirk’s obsession with Marty’s softer side is getting a little creepy. So let’s not dwell and get on with the show.

Ty – You Can’t Always Get What You Want: Obviously, or Ty would have been gone in week two. This week Ty “looks to past to change the future” and draws upon his experience in the church to prove that he’s the “man for the job.” Yep, just what INXS needs to get back to their gospel roots. The performance felt like a Coca-Cola C2 commercial and I kept waiting for him to hold a can up next to that damn smirk on his face.

JD – Suspicious Minds: I’ve been to Graceland during Elvis week (purely coincidental, really) and it’s pretty scary. I’d have given my left nut to see JD rather than the whackjobs running around in the white pantsuits and cheesy sunglasses whose only training appears to be a love of peanut butter and banana sandwiches and an excess of dippity-doo. However, this isn’t Elvis week and my left nut is keeping my gait in balance, so the offer is off the table. I’m not even sure who I would have had to give my left nut if somebody did take me up on the offer. But I digress. I guess the vocal was decent and the arrangement was bearable, but for some reason JD reminded me of Ferris Bueller’s “Danke Shoen” and “Twist and Shout” performance on the float. But the chicks seem to dig him, so what the hell do I know?

Be sure to send me your special edition Rock Star t-shirts from Levi’s and I’ll jazz it up for you with my scissors so you can be just like Brooke.

Marty – Wish You Were Here: Let me preface the following by saying that I thought it was a good performance. Well done, and I don’t think I would have been disappointed if I was a big Floyd fan. However, I kept thinking back to the classic movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s 30 years old, so I don’t think I’m giving away any spoilers, but if you haven’t seen it, then skip to Jordis, go rent it after the elimination show and check it out. McMurphy brings some life to the nut asylum and because of that the staff needs to put Mac in check. All attempts fail to contain him and ultimately lead to his lobotomy. I wanted to be Chief Bromden and take a pillow to Marty’s face tonight. I hope you understand the symbolism and lack of malicious intent in that last statement. It’s a rather extreme analogy at this point, but one that came to mind tonight. Marty is saying and doing the right things to stay in the competition, proving himself as a professional, and likely making himself more marketable. I think there are already too many marketable people out there and I don’t want to see him change too much just to fill a role in INXS. I couldn’t tell for sure, but he doesn’t seem to be brimming with enthusiasm over the recent compliments from OBINXS over his new voice and his softer side. I wish I had a good dick joke to fit in here to lighten things up, but I don’t so let’s just move on.

Jordis – Imagine: She strums that guitar like a girl. How about a real clinic so Dave can teach her how to hold a pick? Maybe it’s an inordinate number of close-ups, but she also needs to look around a little bit more instead of staring at the camera the whole time. I knew a guy that always seemed to be looking at a point about three inches above your head whenever he talked to you, as if there was a naked Cheryl Tiegs bobblehead doll mounted there or something. After a while it became very disconcerting and Jordis is getting to that point with me as well. I guess that’s not too damn bad if that’s all I can complain about. Thought the vocal was exceptional and nice to see she didn’t overdo it. She also introduced us to that maniac Papa Unga, who appeared dressed to kill to get a shot at bagging Brooke.

MiG – Live and Let Die: It started with a bad Paul impersonation at rehearsal and went downhill from there. I was starting to like him and even pegged him as an overwhelming favorite to take this thing, but he’s dangerously close to reverting back to the dude I just don’t like for some reason. Although the reason might be a growing similarity to the musical stylings of one Steve Perry. Word on the street is that OBINXS noted he was a bit nasally in this performance and they appear to be dead on, especially in the beginning of the song. The random screams were annoying and the only thing missing to complete the mess was Linda McCartney on background vocals. The wife says his legs are too skinny to wear those pants. I’m not sure what that means, but she’s usually right about that kind of stuff. That’s why I never get to wear my assless chaps in public.

I hope we get to hear songs from George and Ringo next week. I want to hear Jordis do the No No Song. Smile if you just don’t understand.

Suzie – Bohemian Rhapsody: I had to go back and review the tape on this one. When Napolean Dynamite first came out, Letterman had Jon Heder on the showgram and Dave said he had to watch the movie twice – once just to make sure everything was going to be alright, then a second time to really enjoy it. She somehow pulled off one of the most theatrical rock songs ever without turning it into a Broadway show. That’s also the most jammin’ church choir I’ve seen since the Blues Brothers. OBINXS got so caught up in the moment they offered her the job, but had to edit that out since we’ve still got a few weeks of shows to fill. MiG looked a bit envious. JD looked dumbfounded. Ty looked bitter.

Sid’s Week 8 Rankings: Papa Unga, Suzie, Jordis, Marty, JD, Ty, MiG
And would obviously like Ty to go.

The early bottom three: JD, Ty, Marty

Prediction: Suzie is safe. If Jordis didn’t go last week, she’s safe this week. So, does MiG replace someone in early voting? Yes. Marty. Marty’s fan base will respond to the early voting threat and give MiG a chance to sing an INXS tune. Ty goes home, because they finally realize he’s just not roit for OBINXS. Papa Unga get the encore. Suzie, MiG and Jordis drown in their own tears. Marty and JD enter the Thunderdome in a special edition Rock Star next week to determine the winner.

Two men enter… one man leaves…..

Rock Star - Aug 30 Moist Rub

I see Brooke got the boots I sent her. I sent them to her as a joke. I never thought she’d actually wear them. I used to keep my petrified sausage collection in those boots. Yes, Dave, those boots weren’t made for walkin’. They were made to tell everyone, "Hey, look, I’m a big whorebag."

After the de ja vu period, the INXS confronted the Rockers with questions about their behavior at the recording session. They asked JD why he didn’t prepare for the song. He told them he wanted the INXS to tell him what to do like a bad little kitty. We told you to prepare for the song. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did...this went on for approximately four hours. Luckily for us viewers at home, they cut most of that. They finally determined that JD’s problem was he didn’t know what "pre-empt" meant. Instead of asking Jordis why she messed with the melody, Andrew walked over to the rocker den and slapped her in the face, stating, "don’t mess with my shit." Marty was asked if he felt he compromised himself at all by following the direction of Andrew. He responded, "not as much as I did when you all made me blow you in the alley, that’s for sure." Remember that scene from Team America? Yeah, that was pretty funny. Marionettes having oral sex, who woulda thunk? Back to you, Brookie.

Ty - Can’t Always Get What You Want. I’m being haunted by the words of Sid. I can’t help but let Ty’s smug look irritate me whenever I watch him now. I am such an invertebrate (a proboscis worm, to be specific). Ty let us know that he is all about gospel and rock. Last week he was all about rock and dancing. Next week, if he’s still around, he’ll be all about de-evolution and plastic clothes, because he’ll be singing Whip It. Whip it good. His voice sounded swell, as usual. Maybe a bit over the top, but not too much. I enjoyed the performance except for the "What you need" phrases sung ala INXS and his acquiescent glance at the band. Gag me with a roofing shovel, dude. If the INXS respects that kind of pandering, then I have no respect for them. Nobody brought it up, so I assume it may have been cut, or the INXS wasn’t watching his performance since it was pretty much the same as his other ones.

JD - Suspicious Minds. I’m beginning to get the impression that JD wants to front this band. Although, sometimes I forget, so I’m glad he reminds us every goddam week. Isn’t it time for him to go back car, yet? What is wrong with the youth of America? That question was answered tonight when they zoomed in on a girl wearing an "I *heart* JD" t-shirt - they're morons. Where are those PETA sociopaths with their buckets of blood when we need them? They waste their time tormenting pelt-adorned, opulent hags, but there, on the sacred CBS studio floor is the real scourge of society! If that were my daughter, you can bet your bottom side of your ass that I’d make sure she’d get him to autograph the shirt so we can sell it on eBay. So JD, in is infinite wisdom, decided to exorcize his Elvis demons by singing an Elvis song in a performance that included the Elvis signature split-legged stance, the infamous Elvis sneer and the typical Elvis split fingered hand gesture. Way to deviate, dudeman. Wait a minute, he did do the pogo, too. Elvis never did the Pogo. He would have, but he feared puking fried banana sandwiches all over his sequened jump suit. Do you know how much those cost to clean? I think the Pogo is what did it. I could faintly see the spirit of Elvis leave JD’s body and enter MiG. But then the spirit of Elvis found there was not enough room inside of MiG since he was already possessed by the living spirit of Donny Osmond. So, the spirit of Elvis, attracted by the smell of sausage, hovered over to Brooke to hang out in her boots. The INXS bashed JD for his lack of elevation. He responded with sentence fragments about a monkey, and that was about it. I don’t like his voice.

What’s that marketing technique called when they place products in the middle of shows for advertising purposes? That’s right, it’s called bullshit. How could Levi’s cover up Brooke’s see-through shirt with their lame t-shirt. Ha! Your advertising ploy didn’t work, Mr. Straus. I’m not going to buy the Levi’s t-shirt; I’m going to by the see-through one, and sniff it.

Marty - Wish You Were Here. I don’t really wish Marty was here right now. The kids are asleep, I have nothing to serve and I have to work in the morning. How’s next weekend sound? Seems that Marty has learned to emote without screaming. Those Casey’s are so smart. I’d like to see one of the clinics be an episode of Jeopardy! I’m betting Marty walks away with it. Hey, Rafael, can I have your cool white strat? Is that a Jeff Beck or an EC? I think the choir was useless in this song and proved to be a distraction, if anything. Take a break on this one, church people, and let Marty ruminate with Floyd, man. Marty showed us yet another side of his voice. At one point on this blog, I think I stated that Marty’s versatility as a singer may be limited. He has proven to be the most versatile of the remaining contestants (and he has proven me a dumb ass). The other Rockers, except for JD, all sing well, but they usually sing their songs with the same approach. Well, maybe Jordis has some other flavors, but that’s about it. Marty’s been all over the place and has done well with most of it. The INXS and Dave gave Marty his props, and rightly so. Great, mate. There was one problem. What’s the deal, Aunt Betty gets a hug, and I got nuthin’ when I was out there cheering my heart out? I’m hurt.

Jordis - Imagine. Marty tried to inspire Jordis in her preparation with this song by sitting with her with his shirt off. It worked. Welcome back, Jordis. How was your time in Aerosmith hell? I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Jordis’ vocal prominence was accompanied by the return of our favorite INXSer, Garry Beers. He must have horked her muse and taken it with him. I do have bone, however. Normally, I dig chicks with guitars, but there was something about her strumming that made me feel uneasy. Maybe the guitar was too big. Maybe I was haunted by inappropriate memories of Charo. She told the INXS that she needed the guitar to help her "be the music". You’re not being the music, Danny. Well, it’s kind of hard with you talking like that. Jordis has such a sweet look on her face when she sings these kinds of songs. I, again, want her to sing to me while I give the dogs a bath. We now all know where Jordis gets her talent - her father is Dr. Funkenstein himself, George Clinton.

MiG - Live and Let Die. Yes, it is true what I said up there. The living spirit of Donny Osmond resides in the flesh of MiG. There’s also a little bit of Ethel Merman in there, too, but Donny doesn’t mind - he’s glad for the company. I wasn’t impressed with MiG’s take on this song. It sounded like he was attempting to mix the Paul version with the Axl version and ended up somewhere in the middle (Buster Poindexter). His voice was nasal and he was too Guys-and-Dolls-ish. Like in some of his earlier performances, this song kicked his ass to the point where he had to do a stage flop at the end of it. Save some for the encore, my man (but not this week). I agree with Kirk when he castigated MiG for singing through all of the instrumental portions of the song. It pissed me off, too. Well said, Kirk. Let’s do lunch and then we can see about getting you some contact lenses, before you turn into Roy Orbison. Did you see the french horn guy rocking out? I used to play french horn in the fifth grade. Had I known you could rock out with it, I wouldn't have minded getting spit all over my hand so much and would have probably stuck with it. French horn players don't usually get the chicks. That is why John Entwistle switched to the bass. It's a well known fact. Look it up.

Suzie - Bohemian Rhapsody. The song was almost over before I realized that I hadn’t taken any notes. I was enthralled, mostly because I was waiting for her to screw up (I wasn’t hoping she screwed up, I was ruing the possibility).(It’s not easy ruing possibilities.)(Most people don’t rue possibilities, but I do.)(Good girls don’t, but I do.)(How come they haven’t done any The Knack songs yet?) On his way out to meet me for lunch, Kirk told Suzie that this was the best performance - EVER. Even better than the Goo Goo Dolls on that one episode of Beverley Hills 90125. Or was it Melrose Place? Doesn’t matter - same thing. I think she is very good, and I’m this close to wanting to her to sing to me while I dry off the dogs.

On my way out to meet Kirk, they splashed the early low vote progress on the screen: JD, Ty and Marty. Take Marty out and put in Donny Osmond. (Would you forget the Donny Osmond for a moment?!). That’s what I think and hope will happen. I thought they were all wonderful, except JD, for the most part, but it’s throw-down time, so we gotta be mean. It's time to send JD far, far away.

So I meet Kirk at McDonalds and we both say to each other, "why are we meeting for lunch in the middle of the night?" Neither of us responded, because we knew deep down inside the answer was, "rock 'n roll, dude." Surprisingly, we couldn't find any 24 hour optometrist shops, but I did buy him a pair of paint ball goggles at Walmart to fit over his coke-bottle eye-glasses. It'll make him look a little better.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 28 Belated Moist Rub

I don’t get it. Don’t they know that each week somebody gets sent home? Are they under the impression that they all get to live in the mansion forever, so when somebody gets nixed by the INXS it hits them like a vat of onions? Where is all of this anguish coming from? At the very worst, given their knowledge of how this process works, being bummed out should be the extent of their emotional outpouring, which should be easily suppressed with a few beers and some cranked tunage . Sitting around listening to a morose song by the deceased is never going to help. It’s not like they are never going to see these people again. The goddam show ends in a few weeks. How do these people behave when something horrific happens, like when the bowling alley is out of your shoe size? Hide the Harakiri knives.

After the Deanna lamentation was finally over, thank Anu, Dave presented the Rockers with their next task - they were to cross the Bridge of Death, after first answering three questions from the old man from scene 24. It was either that or they had to lay down the vocals for the INXS’s new rad single, titled Us. I’m not sure which, I was biting my toenails at the time.

The fab five immediately started working together on the song, with MiG leading the way on the piano. They work so well together, MiG, Suzie, Ty, Jordis and Marty. If I were them, and I might be, I would give the INXS gig to JD, call Deanna back from her corner on Hollywood Boulevard, and form the new millennium version of the Brady Kids. Let’s see, Marty could be Greg, Deanna would be Marcia, Ty would be Peter, Suzie is Jan, MiG is Bobby, Jordis would be Cindy and Dave is Alice, of course. Garry Beers would be Sam the Butcher and bring the meat to DaveAlice, if you know what I mean. But then Ty’s voice would start changing and Marty would have to re-write the song so they don’t lose the loose change they put down to reserve the studio time.

Speaking of JD (I wasn’t, but I’m sure somebody was), I’ll have to side with his actions in this case. He took this opportunity to "put your foot into the future ass of INXS" (or something like that), as Dave put it, to take a nap. While he was dozing, the camera man placed a half full mug of beer on the music sheets of the new song on JD’s dresser and video taped him sleeping, with the mug of beer disgracing the genius of INXS looming in the foreground. This gave us all the impression that JD was dissing the integrity of the song by being too hammered to work on it. And we fell for it. They sure pulled the wool over my shorts on that one. The reason I take his side on this is that this is how I live my life. Naps take priority over just about everything but shitting. If you can’t do something half-ass, why do it all, right JD? If he keeps this up, he’ll be sitting next to me, working my 9 to 5 in the office of some heartless corporation. Actually, I work 8 to 4:30. More like 8:20 to 4:15, depending on traffic and boredom. At least it’s climate controlled, so my sweating is greatly reduced.

Eventually, they all tire themselves out and head to bed. All except Marty, that is. He stayed up to work on the song some more, because he had some ideas he didn’t want the others stealing. I notice that both MiG and Jordis like to go to bed fully clothed and with the lights on. Those crazy rock stars - always pushing the boundaries of sensible living.

The next morning they trip themselves to the studio for the recording session. Suzie goes first, but, oh no! - she’s got a throat full of phlegm (sure it’s phlegm). Like the warrior she is, she fights through her impediment (remember The Impediments with their song, Go Fuck Yourself? That was awesome.) to nail the song on her first take. Jon and Andrew are impressed, and one of them appears to say, "she has incredible pitch" - that’s what the subtitles said, anyway. I listened to it again with my eyes closed and I’m pretty sure he said, "she’s an incredible bitch", which I think was uncalled for and I’m going to write a letter. Jordis followed, and Andrew ended up punching her in the face for messing with his song. Jordis commented afterward that she hit it on the first take. Sure, she did, but she didn’t hit it the way they wanted her to. Next was Ty. I’m starting to agree with Sid that Ty is a cocky bastard. Although I do like the way he sings. They didn’t show much of him. Whatever, we’ve seen it before. Enter MiG and his Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark handbook. He proceeded to paste Marshmallow Fluff all over the song. The INXS seemed to enjoy it, especially Andrew, as he’s been known to spread Marshmallow Fluff on his twinkies. With some fine editing about the perils of being angry with songs of peace and understanding, they ushered Marty into the room. Jon and Andrew didn’t enjoy the "angry Marty" version of the song, so they asked him to change the key and chill out a bit. Which he did. And they were touched. Deeply. They also learned that Marty is fully capable of working with differing visions inside a band’s dynamics. He should put that on his resume. JD conferred with Jordis (I think) that he was just going to go in and sing it. How hard could it be, right? They showed him screwing up and admitting "My bad." It certainly wasn’t ours, dipshit, Andrew replied (edited out). The other Rockers mocked JD from the waiting room. That wasn’t very nice, but justified. I’m guessing he eventually pulled it off, and they are withholding that information from us so they can shock us later. I CAN’T WAIT!

Like Charly in Flowers For Algernon, they figured out that the cheese is always in the same place and finally beat the mouse to this week’s songs. Then they had sex with the hot Psychologist lady. Not much drama here, except that Suzie and MiG both wanted Bohemian Rhapsody. MiG suggested they mud wrestle for it. Suzie declined. I sense a boost in the ratings if that were to happen. In fact, I suggest this as a method of song selection for the rest of the shows. MiG eventually figured out that this song would doom him to the same fate as Deanna - the dreaded COMFORT ZONE!!! JD wasn’t as astute as he pounced on the Elvis song (Suspicious Minds) in the mousetrap. He’s gotta be a hired confederate in this show. How could anybody be that dumb? First he wings the INXS song, and now he chooses an obvious safety zone song for himself. I’m not buying it. The other songs are: Wish You Were Here (Marty), Live and Let Die (MiG), Can’t Always Get What You Want (Ty), Imagine (Jordis) and Dave will mix things up by performing his version of Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant.

At the end of the show, they showed Suzie having trouble with her song. She’ll pull it off; I’m not worried. They can’t trick me. I fell off the turnip truck weeks ago. Is it just me or does the House Band leader, Paul, act like his shit doesn’t stink? I’m tired of his cheeky musical suggestions. What do you know? If you’re so good, why aren’t you in a real band, like Wham? The show was nice enough to show us brief clips of the others rehearsing their songs so we would know which songs each are doing. I appreciate that. The producers care about me, I just know it.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 28 - Sid

In case you missed the show or don't have VH1, you can stream it on Dave's site - click 6767 TV and find the Rock Star thumbnail (lower right, last I checked).

I was never so happy to see Dave than when he walked into the mansion to break up the memorial service for the dearly departed Deanna Johnston. No disrespect here, but most wakes and memorial services suck and they certainly don’t make for good television. It’s not like she was the Pope or something. Even the Pope’s funeral sucked.

But I digress. Since moving the mansion show to cable, it appears that the show is under a directive to cut costs and Dave has to make deliveries to the mansion. After restocking the wine cellar and cleaning the pool, he dropped off some sheet music for a new INXS song called “Us” for which the rockers would lay down some vocals in the studio the next day. They quickly forgot about Deanna and she was already on the same path as that kind of cute chick on the first season of Survivor that was covered in bites all the time and was rewarded with a part the movie The Animal with Rob Schneider.

So they all gathered round to learn the song and rehearse. Except for JD. The producers want us to believe that JD drank half a beer and passed out with Paul Anka cranked up on his IPod instead of rehearsing, but it was obvious to me that he was drugged. He was also face down, so I’m pretty sure they also drew a big penis on his face with a Sharpie that he spent the whole next morning trying to scrub off. They all denied it the next day, but I’m pretty sure Jordis did it.

Ty was all pumped up since recording in the studio would expose some people vocally. The prick just doesn’t get it. Just because he spent his youth in choir practice instead of blowing shit up like normal kids doesn’t mean people will like him or want him to sing their songs. In fact, I did a little research for you, Ty. These rankings from Amazon are as of Sunday night.

INXS – Best of - #88
Lovehammers (Marty) – Murder on my Mind - #395
Bona Roba (Neal) – Reach In and Get Her - #9,861
Joydrop (Tara) – Viberate - #16,953
Dakota Moon (Ty) – Dakota Moon - #18,426
Joydrop (Tara) – Metasexual - #39,848
Dakota Moon (Ty) – Place to Land - #60,847
Heather Luttrell – Grits n’ Pulp - #83,825

That’s right… even though most of us won’t ask Marty to sing Ave Maria at our wedding we’d rather listen to him scream than listen to you show off your perfect pitch. In fact, more people want to listen to Neal and I think he was kicked off the show sometime last year. Even after Tara horrified the masses with Paranoid, more people were interested in buying a Joydrop CD instead of Dakota Moon. I'm not saying that sales are necessarily indicative of good music, but Ty needs to know he isn't as Tyriffic as he thinks he is. Dakota Moon… pffftttt.

We got to go to the studio with the rockers for the recording session. Suzie got to lead off and said something about being sick or having a hairball stuck in her throat, but nailed the song anyway. I decided that I would buy a CD with that vocal, whether with INXS or not. Imagine what she can do after she coughs up that hairball.

Jordis decided to Unga-fy the tune to better suit her and piss off the band. No bridge building or meeting half way here. She shot some flaming arrows across the river at OBINXS while blowing up that bridge like a scene out of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Ty then strutted in to show OBINXS that he has more soul in his mohawk than the other rockers have in their collective, soulless shells. Thanks, Ty, can you send MiG in?

MiG did a MiGGy version of the tune and I guess it sounded alright. He still sounds more suited to Journey or Frampton covers, but I don’t dislike him. The band applauded him for his interpretation of the song, especially the way he treated the verse with gentle empathy… which was followed by a discordant, forboding chord as…

Marty enters the studio to stick that empathy in the garbage disposal with last night’s leftovers. We saw just enough to see “angry” Marty putting a nice Soundgarden touch on the OBINXS song, much to the displeasure of OB. However, they realize that Marty can sell more records than Dakota Swill, so they offer up a few suggestions on a retake. Marty takes their advice and the OBINXS finds it much to their liking, and proceed to dance the night away like Professor Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering.

JD finally emerges after getting the Sharpie penis off his face and decides to wing it since his mother played him INXS songs while he was still in the womb. Apparently this new tune wasn’t on the playlist since he proceeds to stumble over the words like a wino reading Dr. Suess. Dave and the other rockers are horrified at his failings, except for Jordis who is totally amused (as they search her room for Rohypnol back at the mansion).

Song selection time, and the big deal this week seems to be the two songs that will be accompanied by a choir, especially Bohemian Rhapsody. MiG and Suzie dig in their heels to battle for this one, except Suzie has some of those mountain climbing boots and MiG is wearing glass slippers. She also makes him feel sorry for her for having to wear such heavy boots in the standoff and he acquiesces before they both start crying.

The lineup:
Bohemian Rhapsody – Suzie
Can’t Always Get What You Want – Ty
Imagine – Jordis
Suspicious Minds – JD
Wish You Were Here – Marty
Live and Let Die - MiG

So, can Suzie overcome her declining confidence and make Brian May proud? Can JD channel Elvis and overcome his studio flubs? Can Ty piss me off anymore than he already has? Can Jordis improve upon John Lennon’s melody? Will MiG get confused and start singing Do or Die instead of Live and Let Die? Will Marty ever repay the $20 he owes Moist Rub? And most importantly, what will Brooke wear to top last week?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 24 Moist Rub

Welcome to a very special hour long edition of Leper Pop. This week Sid F’er misplaces a nun’s virginity, and then she becomes pope after a series of zany, irrelevant events.

They began the show by giving us a recap of last night’s performance show. Thanks for that, because I forgot what happened yesterday. Maybe they did that for the three new viewers tuning in tonight. Loyal viewers who missed yesterday’s show undoubtedly read about it here, at our blog, Leper Pop, so they didn’t need a recap. I can only conclude the producers ran out of ideas to fill up an entire hour, and Major League Baseball wouldn't license any highlights of the Tampa Bay/Cleveland game to show.

Suzie won the encore by default. She should be very proud of that. Her Start Me Up was good, but it was not sponge worthy. Everybody else had gotten an encore shot already and a number of them sucked yesterday, so there's your bone, Suzie. It’s like when you’re in school and you’re locked in a closet, and you find a half eaten sandwich. You think to yourself, "I wonder if this meat is kosher". Although you’re starving, you decide to smear the sandwich in the lining of your teacher’s coat and take a leak in her galoshes. Another reason INXS gave her the encore was they were hoping to defer her crying until the end of the show. It worked. Those guys know what they’re doing. She ended her encore with the lamest stage dive I’ve ever seen. It was more like a ‘stage-help-me-down-from-here-my-rheumatism-is-acting-up’. I think she did it just so somebody would feel her up. That’s why Bette Midler does it.

Next, they gave us some more peeks at what really happens in the mansion after a gig. JD was doing a crossword puzzle. MiG was ironing his hair. Deanna and Ty were playing Chinese jump rope. Jordis was digging out a tick from her arm with a butter knife. Suzie was licking the wall paper (the schnozberries taste like schnozberries), and Marty was doing butt slides down the railing of the staircase. Now we know how rockers live.

After that insight, INXS sat down and chatted with the Rockers across a room crowded with people. Pretty rude, if you ask me. They acted as if none of those other people were even there. Deanna expressed her discomfort with her perceived haunting of her comfort zone. Little does she know that what the INXS is actually referring to by the term "comfort zone" is them nestling their cute little heads in her chest. Kirk played it off like they were creating boundaries of challenge for all of them. She bought it. They always buy it when you are a rock star.

Marty told the band, as Elizabeth told Fred Sanford, this is how it is and this is how it’s always gonna be. Marty is a bridge builder. If they want Marty, the INXS should start building, too, because Marty is only going halfway. Marty is building his bridge so that the INXS can cross over into the new millennium. For this, the INXS respects Marty very much. Great mate. Can we grow back our mullets? Absolutely not. JD agreed with Marty, because he couldn’t understand the philosophy behind Marty’s statements, and the band seemed to concur, so JD went with it. JD is not a stupid idiot - just an idiot. Then JD gave the INXS his permission to make their own decision as to whom the new singer should be. The INXS was grateful because, until then, they were unsure of their role in this show. Before they could move on, the INXS got their ass licked by JD regarding the sovereignty of their back catalog. Way to work that in, JD.

Suzie joked about her status as the queen of the final three and donned her homemade hat. She is so cute. Speaking of cute, is it just me, or do I detect a hint of Christopher Walken in Andrew Farriss? They beat up Jordis for taking too much of a risk. Look, you mother fuckers, you just got done tearing Deanna a new asshole for staying in her comfort zone. What the fuck do you assholes want? - is what Jordis wanted to say, but she remained cordial and humble and promised to keep trying until she get’s kicked off for failing to overcome risks that she was haphazard enough to attempt in the first place.

They talked to MiG and Ty, too. It was very interesting, and it got real technical. I don’t want to bore you with the Biz jargon.

Brooke made everybody stand up, eventually, except Suzie, as she (supposedly) was at no time a member of the bottom three vote getters during the voting window. If she doesn’t win this thing, she should think about entering a career as a motivational speaker, as she is quite loquacious. Let me get this straight, in her own words, when you end up in the bottom three, it feels "bad". But if you are the only one who didn’t get into the bottom three, it feels "really good". Those are words to live by.

As it turns out, Ty, Deanna and Marty ended up in the bottom three, but I can’t talk about that right now. I’m facing a much more dire situation at home. During the commercial break, we were forced to watch, for the 80 billionth time, some wireless commercial featuring the Black Eyed Peas, who’s song used in the commercial is a clear rip off of Musical Youth’s 80's anthem, Pass the Duchie. My thirteen year old son had the gall to tell me, paraphrasing, "I don’t like rap that much, but I like the Black Eyed Peas new album." WHAT? I retorted, "Where have you been listening to that album!?" as if I was asking him where he got a bag of pot I found in his underwear drawer. "You know, on the radio and stuff," he tells me. "Not any radio I ever heard!" I sentenced him to his room with a Motorhead cd as penance. I thought I had him brainwashed. I mean, he just learned Iron Man on guitar all by himself, and I taught him the main riff of Sunshine of Your Love and everything. Damn. A father’s work is never done.

Ty: What You Need. I’ll tell you what you need. You need to pull it back a little bit. He was too over the top with this effort, which was probably due to him being over-emotional about being in the final three. That’s the kind of fall hubris will give ya if you’re not paying attention. With all of his heavy breathing and grunts, I thought he was turning into Tom Jones right there in front of me. I threw my panties at the TV (I only wear them on Wednesdays). He wasn’t sultry at all. He was fuming. I’m surprised the INXS didn’t pick up on that vibe. Then again, they aren’t as sensitive to the plight of the Rockers as I am. Their big question tonight was "How do you feel singing INXS songs?" Or, in other words, "why are our songs so awesome?" I’m not sure how Ty answered this because he was wimpering so much, but I think he took JD’s tongue and licked their ass with it.

Deanna: Elegantly Wasted. Half of the song sounded great. She had a rocking sass goin’ on there that I liked. Then other parts were back to her comfort zone (I’m just saying that to piss her off). It was a valiant effort. Dig the leather pants. Leather pants make me hot. And sweaty. And disgusting. The INXS, "So, why do you love us?" Deanna, "I like to rock hard and dance." The INXS, "What does that mean?" Deanna, "You guys are so awesome, please don’t give me the boot." The INXS, "Yes, we are and we’ll see, and don’t tell us what to do."

Marty: Don’t Change. He took off his coat. He was about to show the INXS what he’s been talkin’ about. His vocalization of this song reminded me of when the Lovehammers do that Eurythmics cover (Here Comes the Rain Again). On stage Marty looked like a man on a mission. He kept it subdued until toward the end when he let out a little bitty yelp scream. Then he edged it up at the end to show how the dance/groove/INXS thing can be Gregor-Mendeled into a successful hybrid of rock ‘n roll. His final utterance of "Don’t Change" was reminiscent of his final utterance of "...never again" at the end of Confusion on the L’Strange cd. As far as final utterances go, that is. Marty received quite an ovation from the crowd. In answer to the INXS question of the night, Marty replied, "Powerful". The INXS murmured to themselves, "Ooh, that’s good, quite right, yes, inDEED. That’s a capital idea." Somehow, for a moment they transformed themselves into British elite having tea.

Marty was the first to be sent back to the den. He gave the other two an extended hug, probably figuring it would be one of his last times to paw at Deanna. Ty continued to wimper while he and Deanna stood there together alone on the chopping block. Deanna got the axe, and rightly so. Her talent does not lie on the INXS map. Get yourself a new map. She was genuinely sad and was crying (Note to Suzie: that is how you should look when crying - sweet and vulnerable, not angst-ridden and pathetic). I felt bad for her and wished I could offer her my comfort zone in which to nestle. Cut to Suzie and her gushing. And MiG and his gushing. And Ty and his gushing. And Jordis and her gushing. Then there is JD and Marty sitting there sharing a joint - "Oh, is there something going on...?" This elimination episode has been brought to you by Kleenex and Puffs for those extra special sob-fest moments. On a serious note about sadness - I believe that sadness, unless brought about by self-pity, is quite a beautiful emotion because it is an extension of love, and without love, there would be no sadness. And, no matter how much pain of sadness you feel, there is an underlying layer of comfort in it due to the love that bred it. (I thought about ruining this touching moment by bringing up the "extension of love" in my pants, but I reconsidered.)

Rock Star - Aug 24 - Sid

Brooke – that was the best outfit ever. That alone justified the hour show. I wanted to hold her when she said she was shook up over Jordis and let her know everything is gonna be alright. Then she started that raise your hand, stand up, sit down, put your hands down crap and I just wanted to break her arm.

Ty wanted the encore because he put on a “show”. That’s exactly why he needs to be clotheslined whenever he gets near a mike. Deanna wanted the encore because she wrote a song. Brooke, wanting to put that doctorate in psychology to use, asked her to talk to her about how she was feeling. Saint Jordis gets credit for having the guts to go for it, when all that ever did for me was get me kicked out of bars.

Marty turned it up after OBINXS asked him to tone it down. Instead of admitting they fucked up, they used the old “it was really just a test” excuse and agreed to meet him in the middle. It’s pretty cool watching him get the upper hand on the band and watch Dave’s growing obsession with “scary conductor guy”.

Suzie has proclaimed herself “Queen of the Bottom Three”. Has everyone already forgotton about Jessica? She’ll always be the Queen of the Bottom Three to me. She set my soul on fire, she completed all my dreams. And she reinforced her reign after Suzie gets the encore and completes the song with only five “C’mon!”.

So the bottom three started out with Deanna, Ty and Jordis. It evolved to include MiG, JD and Marty, but not at the same time because then the number would no longer be three.

Ty gets called out first and is told to sing What You Need. Instead he did an SNL bit known as OperaMan. Then he proceeds to tell the band that he wants to be there so hard that it made him cry.

Next up Deanna with Elegantly Wasted. Elegantly off-key and made me miss Jessica again. Suzie looked scared for her and rightfully so. And in a desperate attempt to save her ass she offered up some subliminal body language to OBINXS by dropping to her knees to demonstrate her love of… their music, I guess?

So in a carefully orchestrated moment of drama, we pan to the remaining four – MiG, Marty, JD and Jordis – one of whom will need to sing for their lives or something equally dramatic. Whatever. Anyone with enough intelligence to open a tube of toothpaste could see it would just be another song before OBINXS bounced Deanna. I’m talking about a traditional tube with the twist off or flip top lid, but not one of them new-fangled pump deals that they try to market every few years.

Marty gets to sing Don’t Change and it’s clear he’s safe from the moment he takes the stage unless he loses control of his bowels on the Farriss Brothers Twinkie stash. That didn’t happen. He even raised his stock a bit by proving he could sing INXS music. Earlier I admitted that I’m a sucker for Suzie’s laugh or eye roll to end a song, but there’s something very cool about the way Marty snaps each song to a halt with precision. He tells them he bought their Greatest Hits CD, which is a nice touch. Shows some respect for their music without claiming to own every release, including imports, on reel to reel tape. He earns the right to sit and scampers back to the den to escape any further negative vibes.

As predicted, Deanna is not roit for OBINXS. She cries, like she ever had a real chance. It’s like that fat chick at work that is disappointed when Brad Pitt gets married. Or that dweeb with the laptop that wants to console Brooke Burke when she gets shaken up. Not a chance, so just give it rest already.

It appears that everybody but Marty and JD cried over her departure. Does that mean that they, more than the others, realize that this is a competition, or are they just more in control of their emotions? Or are they just superceding the mindfuck of being sequestered in the mansion? Stay tuned, fair viewer.

Rock Star - Aug 23 - Sid

Moist Rub seemed to enjoy sitting on the runway at DFW so much last week that I decided to try it in Atlanta today. It’s not nearly as fun as he made it out to be, or perhaps I just failed to detect the sarcasm in his post. I figure that about the time the RS broadcast was wrapping up, we were refueling in Houston. Apparently we had a rookie pilot that wasn’t aware that you can circle for at least a good hour after the needle on the gas gauge shows empty. Quote of the Day (a cellphone conversation from the portly bloke in the seat next to me): “They’re letting us get off the plane in Houston, but there’s no food so what’s the use?” Buddha called, he wants his belly back but you can keep the total enlightenment, buddy.

Regardless, Mrs. F’er was cool enough to roll tape so that I could bring you this post sponsored by Delta Airlines… we love to sit on the runway for hours, and it shows. Something special on the ground. The good news is that it only took me 40 minutes to watch the show without commercials. So let me know if there are any products out there that I need to give my life meaning again. On with the show.

Wow. Not the best performance show, but I’d say the most interesting. First, where’s Garry? I thought I saw something on a message board somewhere, but can’t remember what it said so I’ll just assume he’s in rehab for a balsa wood addiction until someone can set the record straight for me.

Next, tell Brooke I liked the high-class call girl look.

New game this week – drink every time a contestant yells, “C’mon!” to the crowd.

Suzie – Start Me Up: A dichotomy right off the bat. For the first time, I actually thought she looked pretty hot tonight. Not sure if it was the hair, the make-up, or both, but I was intimidated. I hid around the corner and just peeked at the television for fear of getting caught looking at her. Looks like Jessica forgot to pack a pair of her low-riders. On the other hand, I didn’t care for the performance. The house band rocks, but they aren’t the Stones and the song didn’t sound right coming from her. I can put on the Wizzo costume, but that doesn’t mean I’m Marshall Brodein. Hope that reference wasn’t too obscure for y’all. C’mon!

JD – Cold As Ice: Obviously stumbled into the CBS wardrobe archives for Simon & Simon or The Fall Guy. I didn’t think it was a bad performance, but I also ate some grits and spinach the other night and didn’t think it was bad. In fact, if I had a choice of eating grits and spinach or watching JD again, I’d go with the grits and spinach. He also got kudos from OBINXS for taking risks, which just seems to involve going into rehearsal and telling the house band to go “chunka, chunka, chunka, chunka”.

Deanna – Not True?: Despite Ty’s help, I have to say I kind of liked this song. I guess even MC Hammer hits on a stock tip once in a while. However, I’ll also assume that the house band cleaned up and de-cheesed the song a bit for Deanna. She also stepped out of the 60’s like a regular Austin Powers and I found it groovy, baby. The new hair was a nice upgrade and I liked the updated hot pants look. Like they said, the song suited her voice and I enjoyed the story at the end. I can only hope that I, too, have inspired some girls out there to achieve greatness just by being an asshole.

Ty – Proud Mary: It’s called ROCK Star: INXS, not SOUL Star: INXS, dumbass. Every major city has a plethora of bands that can throw down a similar performance of Proud Mary at a wedding reception, the local dance club or the Christmas party circuit. There’s plenty of work out there for you Ty, you’ve just stumbled into the wrong job interview. I was also a little disturbed that it appeared that Deanna was the most comfortable that I’ve ever seen her when she was doing his background vocals. She’s a shoo-in for the follow-up show – Backup Singer: INXS.

MiG – Do or Die: This sounded like a Journey or Survivor song to me. Something I would expect to hear on the Rocky VII soundtrack. Bad pants. He got some nice comments, but I think he lost a little ground this week.

Marty – I Alone: It looked like he stepped right out of the opening credits of the Adams Family. Just like the Munsters had cousin Marilyn, the Adams’ had cousin Marty this week. I’m not much on lyrics, but it appeared he was performing the stalker interpretation of this song. He had a look about him whereas I expected him to go out and assassinate the president to prove his love to Garry Beers. The timing seemed way off in the middle and he kind of lost me for a minute. I think the performance would have played much better in a live club atmosphere, but on the broadcast it didn’t come off as his best.

Jordis – Dream On: Karaoke versions of any Aerosmith song definitely make you appreciate Steven Tyler. That screech at the end was reminiscent of our buddy Dana from Episode One (Rock Star, not Star Wars). I’m not a Star Wars fan, so I don’t know if there was a Dana in the movie. I was hoping this Star Wars talk would distract you from the review of Jordis’ sub par performance, so let’s just say she looked good tonight. I liked the hat, jeans, and pinstripe coat.

Bottom Three (early voting): Deanna, Ty, Jordis

Looking back, I just realized the only performance I really liked was Deanna’s. I guess we’ll throw Suzie and Marty in there by default. JD somewhere in the middle. Ty, MiG, and Jordis are my personal bottom three.

Prediction: I’ll say the bottom three stay the same. Deanna and Ty just don’t seem to have much of a fan base and Saint Jordis was way too rough to ignore. As much as I’d like to see Ty go, I think Deanna might not be roit for OBINXS this week.

The other piece that I thought made this show interesting is that the focus seems to finally be shifting to who is a fit for the band. We all know Marty is capable, but if he stays true to himself he really isn’t a good fit. He still has a good fan base to keep him out of the bottom three, but would they dare kick him or Jordis to the curb and piss off the viewers? I think there are more “rocker” fans than INXS fans watching this show.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 23 Moist Rub

I hope Deanna learned her lesson. You do not dare show more boobie than Brooke does. Brooke volleyed back to Deanna with a deep plunging neck line of her own. I hope Deanna returns the lob with a couple of nipple bandaids on tomorrow’s show.

Garry Beers was not on the show tonight. They told us it was due to personal matters. That is true. Personally, he’s tired of this show, and he wants to hire Donny Osmond.

Much of the pre-performance discussion focused on the idea that these Rockers should be fighting for the songs they want to sing. Why? Does the INXS want to fight for creative control with whomever wins this contest? Wouldn’t it be better to hire a dish rag that will do what he/she is told? I would think so. OK, Suzie, you’re hired - keep the crying sequestered behind your dressing room door, and don’t forget to pick up the dry cleaning.

Within this discussion, Marty was challenged on his song selection trending towards the contemporary. If the INXS has a problem with it, why didn’t they give him a classic last week instead of that Britney formulized platitude? Seems to me that they are speaking out both sides of their arses. It didn’t matter, because Marty studied for this oral exam and gave them an A plus response. A good lead singer needs to be able to wield diplomacy without letting too much of the bullshit smell seep through. Whether Marty was placating them with incontestible rhetoric or he was being sincere, the point is abundantly clear for all of these Rockers. No matter how much you want this gig, you gotta stick yourself out there naked to the best of your ability. If it fits the INXS or if you’re blazing the path the INXS wants to follow, you’re in. If not, go your own way and try to show them what they missed.

Suzie: Start Me Up. You make a grown man cry, indeed, assuming by "grown man" you are speaking about yourself. Suzie shook things up this week. She caroused with the other rockers, stage dived, looked sexy and dry humped the rhythm guitar player, which was a nice thing to do since the rhythm guy usually gets the lead guy’s hand me downs, unless the rhythm guy is also the lead singer with a big hairy chest, like Paul Stanley, and the lead guy’s face looks like it collided with the moon, a la Ace Frehely. Do chicks still dig big hairy chests like they did in the ‘70's. How about big hairy backs and flattened asses? Do they like them? And what about ear hair? I’m just asking because a friend of mine wants to know. Suzie gave her usual solid performance. Couple that with her guilt-tripping the general public into voting for her, and I think she’ll have a night off tomorrow.

JD: Cold As Ice. I read on a message board, from a JDidiot, that one of JD’s strengths was that he didn’t present himself like a Vegas performer like all of the other contestants do. I hope she saw this performance. Move over Wayne Newton, you have some competition. Nobody wants to be Wayne Newton as much as JD does. Therefore, he should be him, granted, an edgier, more retarded Wayne Newton, but a Wayne Newton, nonetheless. JD did work the crowd well - I’ll give him that. You can’t survive in Vegas unless you work the crowd, and sell drinks and get the audience to tip the wait staff. I have confidence that JD can do all of that. The INXS gave JD a chance to explain a possible faux pas in his performance. Was it that he was missing notes or was that JD’s interpretation? Always in CYA mode, JD chose answer B, interpretation. That’s great. Where’s my application for this show. I can interpret all of the notes out of any song and, consequently, sing them flawlessly.

Deanna: My Truth. This was her own composition that she co-wrote with Ty. (?) Does that mean if she wins, Ty gets to come along with her to collaborate and do her hair? I’ve never heard this song before. She stated, as the song began, that it was a "rock song". That it is. Too bad it’s not an INXS song and never will be. In spite of that, she did rock out and the song was decent. But that won’t be enough to keep her out of the dungeon. Tim confronted Deanna on the background of the song. Hard to believe, it had to do with an ex-boyfriend. So, her "truth" is forever tied to this asshole? Is that what she’s saying? She hasn’t moved on from the way some prick treated her thirteen years ago. I don’t’ know if the INXS could survive putting up with that kind of emotional stagnation. It’s as if Kick was never even written. It is a good thing Garry Beers, the band’s emotional leader, was not there to witness that. He may have sighed. It’s time to find your own identity, my dear. Here, have mine.

Ty: Proud Mary. Sorry Sid, this was the best performance of the night. Given, he was aided by a rockin’ tune and the girls supporting him with background vocals (note: Suzie looks like Manute Bol standing next to the other two girls. What is she, 6'9" with the aftro?). Having said that, I figured out one of the problems with his stage presence. He holds the microphone with his right hand in the same position for 95% of the song. It’s like he’s afraid of getting pits if he lowers his arm. We learned that Ty’s self-proposed advantage is that he has more soul than everybody else on the show. First of all, there’s not much soul on Broadway, of which he is a spawn (noticeable even on this excellent performance). Second, did he see Suzie’s version of Bring It On Home To Me? Third, I’m offended as a white man (but not because of his comment. I’ll tell you later). "Ty-riffic"? Dave, we were becoming so close. So close.

MiG: Do or Die. This was MiG’s own composition as well. He told the INXS he did it all by himself, but didn’t the House Band help him out? He’s already stepping on the little people. He’s destined to make it big. Nice going, MiG. I’ve never heard this song before, either. Hmm. That’s peculiar that they’d pick two obscure songs in the same show. MiG visited the high school costume department and procured the best looking tough rock ‘n roll guy outfit they had. The beginning of the song sounded like a pussified version of a Tool song. But that went away and was replaced by a rock ‘n roll showtune, the likes of which have been performed at numerous community theaters around the globe. I have a problem with the title of this song. It’s a cliche’. Admittedly, I enjoy a lot of tunes out there that employ cliche’ crutches, but it doesn’t mean I approve. I’ve even used them in the past in my song writing (Fat Lady at the Circus, When the Clock Strikes Three [The Cock Strikes Thee], etc. - I know you’re familiar with them), and it’s difficult to avoid them. I wish, if he had to use a cliche’ for this song, he would have used "shit or get off the pot" instead (come to think of it, I’m glad he didn’t use it - it’s going to be my next hit single). It would have been more dramatic, and it pretty much means the same thing. I still like MiG as a performer, and the INXS doesn’t need a songwriter, so I think he’ll be OK. Dave cracked me up with something he said to MiG, but I forgot what it was. He made up for "Ty-riffic". Somebody in the INXS mentioned that MiG’s composition was not an INXS song, to which MiG should have replied, if he had the wherewithal, "But wouldn’t you like it to be?" - or better yet, "Thank, god, those songs suck."

Maryt: I Alone. I know this song has some personal meaning for Marty. But not me. It’s just another whiney song from that band Live. Live needs to grow some balls. I thought Marty sounded awesome during the softer parts of the song. The problem is, his screaming technique does not jive with the screaming style required by this song. So, there was some dissonance there. It’s almost as if he was emoting too much, and he overshot the chick’s face. We’ve all been there, right fellas? The INXS was critical with Marty on this performance, and rightly so. However, they questioned how this performance related to the direction of INXS? It doesn’t. Not the past INXS, anyway. Why the hell did they include this song if it offers no INXS style characteristics? This is where Marty could have been a hero and said, "Take my hand, guys. I’ll show you the way." Dave digs Marty. I like saying "dig". I dig it. Remember that video game, Dig Dug. Pretty cool? How about Pengo? Nobody remembers Pengo. Well, I do. It was a derivative of PacMan, only the graphics were better and it involved a penguin navigating through a changing maze of ice blocks, and he could shake the walls to stun the nematodes (or whatever they were) that were chasing him so he could slide the ice blocks at them and vaporized them.

Jordis: Dream On. Steven Tyler wrote this shit when he was only eighteen years old. Eighteen! Un-fricken-beliveable. Do you know what I was writing at eighteen? That’s right, words that rhymed with penis synonyms. Explains a lot. Poor little Jordis. That was horrible. I never thought I’d ever say that. Even when she was hitting the notes, she couldn’t find the desperation in her voice that was needed. At least we’ll be able to hear her sing an INXS song. The INXS has no songs that would challenge her talents to this extent. There’s no way Michael Hutchence could have sung this song, either - not as written. Steven Tyler has a unique style and a unique voice. I guess she can’t sing everything.

Deanna, Ty and Jordis were the leading non-vote getters when Brooke threw us to the curb. She’s ruthless. My prediction on who will end up in the demolition derby: I have no idea. I don't get people.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 21 Moist Rub

I did not see this week's mansion show, as I do not have cable television. All I watch is PBS and Rock Star on CBS. Sometimes I'll catch a rerun of Archie Bunker's Place, but that's about it. Luckily, you do not need my take on this episode, since Sid did such a fine job reporting. Come to think of it, with Sid reporting, you don't need me for much of anything - except for maybe help on the toilet. After hearing about all the whining and bickering that went on, I'm glad I missed it. And, I'm glad I came, right Newbomb?

If you would like to hear the song that has inspired Marty and the rest of the Lovehammers, click here (crank it up and don't stop yourself from dancing if you feel the urge). It is Leprosy doing our number one hit single, "Alan". Mind you, it's not the best version of the song. The best version was lost by Sid after my wedding. That bastard. This should give you some insight into from where Marty is coming and from where he is trying to desparately get away.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Rock Star - August 21 - Sid

“And so it's three A.M., I'm out walking again.
I'm just a spot on the sidewalk in a city of sin.”

I miss Hollywood. I feel like I’m the one that got kicked out of the mansion. I didn’t even get to try out the pool.

I’m sure that mansion has a plasma TV the size of Camryn Manheim, but instead the rockers got to watch replays of their performances on their Verizon VCast phones so that Mark Burnett and company can make a few extra ad bucks. They should have loaded up the friggin’ phones with some Brandon ringtones and shoved them up his ass. But I’m sure the CBS lackies were there to prevent any such transgressions, so they just decided to do some drinkin’ instead. Suze was well on the way to the Mayberry detox tank for a night with Otis, but the gang got interrupted with an important assignment from Dave.

This week the rockers were told that the dude that normally picks the songs for them to sing was on vacation or something so they’ll have to write their own. It really didn’t seem like good planning by the production staff, but most of the rockers, except Deanna and Jordis, seemed into it.

Then we had the obligatory encore reward where we got to see our favorite Aussie gettin’ MiGGy wit’ it. Forgive me for that one. I promise it won’t happen again.

Then Suzie sobered up and discovered that the dude that was on vacation must have returned early and managed to find all but two songs for our rockers to sing this week. But in the haze of her hangover, she decided it would be best to assign songs by choosing names out of JD’s greasy hat. We learned that Jordis gets Dream On, Suzie gets Start Me Up, and Deanna and MiG get to perform their originals.

For those of you scoring at home, Suzie apparently starts her period next week as demonstrated by her complete emotional meltdown on this week’s show. I’m sure Hutchence had his demons, but I’m not sure INXS can handle this.

Deanna, after seeing Ty’s genius in creating a masterpiece cowchip like “Stop Go”, decided that she would enlist his help for her original composition. Yeah, and I think I’ll ask MC Hammer for some financial advice and see how that works out. It was also apparent that the CBS make up dude must have been on vacation with the song chooser dude since Deanna was sorely lacking in the cosmetics department.

Meanwhile, Suzie, thinking she’s Burt Bacharach, begs Deanna and MiG for the opportunity to do her own composition. MiG talks Deanna out of trading, thus putting himself on the spot and forcing him to seek council with Marty, who finds a way to diplomatically tell him to stop being such a pussy. So far this episode is filled with more poor advice than Dear Abby on a bad acid trip. JD seems to be the only one thinking clearly (shoot me now).

And finally, to create some reality show drama at the end, the band informs us that Ty is piledriving a desperate Deanna into the mansion turnbuckles and MiG’s composition is destined for the cut-out bin unless he can pull off some magic real fast.

So, can he? Huh?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Talkin Bout My Generation

So what happens when you tell a Beatles fan and self-professed "60's maniac" to check out a show like Rock Star: INXS? I'll let you read the following email and find out for yourself (editor's note: the old boy is probably losing his hearing so he thinks that MiG's name is Mick). By the way, the subject line of the email was "Wow, that really sucked".

Well, I watched your INXS show last night... I remember now why I hate "reality" shows. Because, they suck... all of them just suck, suck, suck. The band members sitting around like "Lords O Music"... fuck, it's just a lame rock band without a front man. Geez, the house band sounded pretty tight. I can't watch that again. Your bud, "Marty" sounded OK, kinda got stuck with a real sucky song. But everyone else did the usual "American Idol" oversing thing. They can't just sing the fucking song from the heart, they gotta show all their little "tricks" and their vocal range. Can't see a chick no matter how good she looks or sounds fronting INXS... The brother is also out, which leaves funk ball with the dumb ass hat (I guess he's from the hood?) and then Mick and Marty. Mick can actually play an instrument (wow, what a concept for a band?) so he and Marty will probably end up head to head... And Marty fits the mold better than Mick because he's got a stronger voice and more stage presence.

Also, the other reason I won't watch again is because you were right... How can you fuck up a Stones song so bad in front of a national audience? God that sucked.

Now, I've got to go rent "The Commitments" just to get that nasty over sung, over produced BS out of my head... or maybe "That thing you Do". Both of those reflect "reality" a hell of a lot better than that suck-ass show.

Marty rocks... In my humble opinion, and should win but then what is the prize? Fronting an aging lame rock band with no future.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Rock Star - August 17 - Sid

I almost missed the elimination show because I had to work late tonight. The line at the drive-thru was really long so they asked if I could man the fry station for a little longer. They obviously don’t realize my importance to the blogging and Rock Star community.

So, could that encore have been a little more rehearsed? That’s just the kind of cheese that can get MiG a gig on QVC if this INXS thing doesn’t work out. If I was Marty I would have kicked MiG’s ass for making come up there and sing another song like that this week. But I’m not Marty, so he did the cool thing and just kept his microphone off and lip synched for a couple minutes while trying to cop a feel from Jordis. He should have jumped in and re-summoned the dark side during the encore to remind MiG that this is a competition to be in band and not a Sunflower Girl campout.

But again, those crazy Pacific Islanders, Australians, and Asians laid the hammer to Suze and she joined Deanna and Jessica in the final three.

Suzie – By My Side: For the first time, I thought she looked OK despite the really bad suburban housewife look. I didn’t think her performance was extraordinary, but it’s like taking the SAT to get into community college. You just show up, work the scantron for a couple hours and move on. It’s not like you’re going to Harvard or something.

Jessica – Mystify: Why didn’t she dress that way for us during the performance show? I thought she did a nice job, but seemed to be getting cocky in the elimination round. Wonder if she got that advice from JD?

Deanna – Never Tear Us Apart: You know my stance here. It’s a Buffalo Stance. So don’t you get fresh with me. I like her, but only as a friend and not as a rock singer. She did OK tonight, but is not going to fill any stadiums fronting this band. And has she always done that Joe Cocker hand thing or have I just noticed it this week?

I was digging that outfit Brooke was wearing, but that ridiculous necklace was covering too much stuff up. Some people don’t need to “peacock” and that means you, Brooke, so stop listening to Dave. It’s bad enough that we have to spend time here giving the contestants advice, but I expect more from our hosts.

Oh, and Jessica is not right for their band, INXS. I was hoping that she would stick around just for fun, but I guess I was wrong. However, she was an inspiration to us all and we need to live our lives as a Jessican, and not a Jessican’t. Godspeed, CoverGurl.

Rock Star - Aug 17 Moist Rub

Heard backstage before tonight’s elimination show:

Brooke: Hey, Jess, can I borrower one of your tops tonight? I’ve been meaning to ask you before you get kicked off.

That Brooke, she’s all about timing.

MiG, Marty and Jordis were singled out as the top vote getters last night. As predicted by most, MiG was given the encore. In a surprising twist, he asked the other two top vote getters to join him and sing background vocals. That was a nice gesture. He may be too nice for rock n roll. I’ve compared him slightly to Donnie Osmond in the past. The Osmonds would definitely allow him to join their family, assuming he passes the Mormontific Entrance Exam, body cavity search and credit check. That’s a nice career to fall back on in case this INXS thing doesn’t fly. I couldn’t hear Marty much in the encore. I’m not sure he wanted to be heard. He’s a lead singer, goddammit! Does he look like a Pip to you? I don’t think so.

Jessica, Deanna and Suzie (yeah, I can’t believe it either) were chosen for the performance of shame. I finally got a prediction correct. I knew the dregs were too stupid to vote for Suzie. I voted for her. You should have seen the way she was looking at me when I was out there. Very come-hithery, let me tell you. Maybe that’s what got Brooke so mad to have had me pummeled to gut sauce during the performance show. JD didn’t make the bottom three. Hmmm. He must be really good.

Suzie got us rolling with By My Side. She looked frazzled and ready to cry. It took her about a verse and a half to compose herself. When I feel like crying, I find it helps to think about happy things, like farting children. Still, she was a little off her game. Kind of incongruent in the chorus. I figured she was safe, unless she started bawling, since the INXS seems to dig her. She finished off the song by falling to her knees and praying to god at the end of the runway. God cares about everything we want in life as long as we take the time to ask. This wish from Suzie is the perfect trivial wish he’s been known to follow through on. He’ll get around to the whole world hunger and world peace thing. Just be patient.

Jessica was ordered to center stage by Jon ""I’m sitting on a drumstick" Farris next. She is a good listener and followed his order, without even arguing once. She had the honor of singing Mystify - a fan favorite (by fan, I mean me). I think Tara trashed this song on prior elimination episode (bad omen). Jessica was all business. She came fully armed with her half shirt and low cut jeans. It hadn’t failed her yet. This was no time to be taking chances. She should have heeded my prior post and donned a thong. I counted only three squeaks. Three squeaks I can handle. She can sing the INXS songs admirably. So can Admiral Byrd. In fact, he does everything admirably. That’s what admirals do. Hence the name. I thought she performed well enough, but nothing to write from prison about.

Deanna went last. Never Tear Us Apart was her challenge. This song was originally written for two friends of the INXS who were Siamese twins. The initial title was Never Surgically Separate Us. Garry Beers, being the emotional leader of the band, suggested the eventual title, claiming that it better elicited images of devotion and personal sacrifice, not to mention blood and innards. Decent as her voice is, the more I hear her, the more I don’t want to hear her. Not singing INXS songs, anyway. Jessica’s voice is more fit for INXS tunage than Deanna’s voice. Deanna need songs with more meat. I need her to kick my ass. Most INXS songs don’t kick my ass. Do you know what kicks my ass? That’s right, Brooke’s body guards kick my ass. Luckily, they spared three of my fingers so I can type. I thought for sure Deanna would be asked to leave.

It turns out, somebody in the INXS has the hots for Deanna, so they sent Jessica back to Chicago. Either way, neither of them was going to win, so it is just a matter of time for the one that would stay to be ousted as well. This gives me a chance to see Cover Gurl, which I will as long as I’m free that night and they’re playing a venue in my neighborhood, and nobody calls me at the last minute to do something else. They saved us the agony of slowly talking to each eliminatee to build the tension and then sending one back to the sanctuary so that the other two have to hold each other, as if they were concerned about the fate of the other, before crushing one of them. Jessica received the quick band-aid removal technique. Sure, it may pull off more hair, but the pain is short and quick, unlike this audition process.

Rock Star - Aug 16 Moist Rub

As you may know, I attended this week’s taping in LA with Sid and StivOO_ (famed singer of Leprosy and Marty’s favorite brother). I learned two valuable lessons.

I learned the first lesson when I approached Brooke to talk about the issues we’ve been having. Get this. She acted like she had no idea who I was. She looked terrified, to tell you the truth. I guess the cold shoulder I’ve been giving her has sentenced her to a life dementia. The poor girl. Right as I was about to give her a supportive hug, out of nowhere, two horrible, behemoth men jumped out of the shadows and beat the piss out of me. What the hell was that all about? Can’t two people have a moment alone in the middle of the taping of world wide television program? I don’t care what anybody says, there is no romance left in Hollywood. They dragged my flailing body to the back of the studio and duct taped me to a chair, which was a nice thing to do, as I was able to watch the rest of the show through blood-soaked eyes. I mean, they could have made me sit in the hallway with Bob Barker. I’m never going to treat a woman like that again. Do all women have bouncers lurking in the shadows? You ladies are mean.

The other lesson, the more important lesson, is that I’m done with this show. I mean, I will continue watching it and commenting because of Marty, Suzie, MiG and Jordis - for their performances, but, I’m mentally detached. Let me jump ahead to JD’s performance of As Tears Go By. It was passively ostentatious and mawkish and dripped of feigned sensitivity. But that was not the problem. I expected that to happen. During the taping, the INXS explored further the issues JD had with the song. To defend himself, JD insinuated that the House Band or the string section, or both was off, and that something had changed (pointing behind him) from rehearsal. And he bitched about not being able to find the proper distance to sing away from the microphone. None of this made it to the final cut on television, in an attempt to save JD from himself so he can remain on the show as a dissident prick, which is something, evidently, the American public enjoys. I guess the producers thought these comments were too damning on his character. This was just another reminder to me why I’ve never watched a reality show. They are not real, and I don’t feel like being dip-shitted by some Hollywood production team. For me, this show does not need the manipulated drama of JD, or their first attempt of pseudo-drama with Suzie’s comments about Marty’s impending throat-ectomy, which I fell for (it was an innocuous comment between two people who didn’t know each other, searching for something to talk about). What’s wrong with everybody getting along and sharing their talents with each other? The real drama is on the stage and in the challenges each performer has within him/herself with each song they choose or are given. How about a feel good reality show? How about just an ass-kicking rock show? Yes, I know, the dregs wouldn’t watch it.

Jordis: Knocking On Heaven’s Door. She messed with the melody of the chorus. I didn’t mind. It’s not one of my favorite songs, so I didn’t care. But, her voice was outstanding. She received quite an ovation from the crowd and the INXS and the Dave Navarro. They cut her band feedback portion to a nub. I liked it live better than television version. Similar to when you videotape yourself having sex. The actual act of doing it always seems more intense than watching it later. I wonder why that is.

Jessica: Torn. Her voice sounded more full than it was in her other songs, except for Elegantly Wasted, which was her best go. She did squeak a little, which somebody in the INXS commented about (edited out), but for me, the squeaks were bearable in this song. Her butt looked chunky in that brown skirt. She should pick something that doesn’t hug her ass cheeks so much, like a thong. I wouldn’t vote her to the bottom three, based on this performance, but she probably will be.

Ty: Maggie Mae. I don’t care what Sid says, but I liked the way Ty interpreted this song. His voice was powerful and he had me believing that he had actually nailed some old hag in the sixties. I was happy to see that the three tongue appearances and Tim’s comment about them made the cut. Both of my kids can do that same thing with their tongues (so can their mom and so can Linda, but you don’t know who Linda is). Pretty cool.

Suzie: Bring It On Home To Me. When I first heard the producer at the taping announce the songs, I thought Suzie had received Bring It On Home, by Led Zeppelin. Oh, goody, I mistakenly thought. I couldn’t wait to hear Suzie do her rendition of a faux old black blues guy. I didn’t hear the "To Me" part of the title, when it was announced - I was busy looking into Deanna’s shirt. Suzie did a fantastic job with this song. Hers is one of my favorite voices on the show. Although, we do not need two people looking like Gwen Stefani, so please put your hair back the way it was before. I fear (losing sleep over it) that she may end up in the bottom three only because the teeny-boppers staying up all night voting are not familiar with this song and do not appreciate a soulfully belted out tune. Also, I dug the giggle she gave us at the end of the song. I didn’t hear that at the taping.

Marty: Hit Me Baby One More Time. Marty was wrong, this is not a good song. He was coerced into saying that by the INXS in an effort to stay positive. The live energy he emitted at the show did not translate as powerfully through the TV screen. Consequently, where I thought he did awesome with the song on Sunday changed to I think he did a solid job with it when I saw it again tonight. His pitching was a little off, which I think Jon Farris stated (omitted), and it was more noticeable on TV. But, that’s a good thing - his talent doesn't lie in his pitch. His talent goes well beyond the pitch. I don’t want him to sing this song ever again, unless it’s a joke. Come to think of it, I enjoy all of the Lovehammers songs live more than recorded. That’s a testament to their ability to crank out an awesome show, and not a knock on their recorded songs - because I listen to them all the time (translated - a few times a month)

Deanna: I Can’t Make You Love Me. Chalk another one up for Dave with his comment about her not having that problem with any man. That reminds me, chalk up yet another one for Dave for his comment to Marty, regarding his uncomfort during Marty’s performance, because Marty was actually making him like the song. And keep the chalk going for Dave again on his other comment to Marty about how not only is that song out of Marty’s box, it’s out of the whole studio’s box. Dave has won me over. I want to be his best friend, but I fear that he may have lurking body guards, too. Who was I talking about? Right, Deanna. None of these songs are right for her. She wore that boob-window shirt for a reason - to keep everybody distracted from her niche voice. I think it worked on the band, but it won’t on the voting public.

JD: As Tears Go By. If Mick Jagger can instill more sensitivity and emotion into this song than you can, then you probably shouldn’t be singing it. I mean, Mick can hold his own, but he’s no Christopher Cross (which is something I’m sure Mick would be glad to hear). JD’s "la la’s" at the end of the song were pathetic. See above for the rest of it. I’m done with this dude. If for some reason, the JDidiots out there can get him elected to the INXS, I shant be buying any of their cd’s. For some reason, I’m thinking he’s an actor hired to cause trouble, like that one show, "My FiancĂ© is a Big, Giant Lard Ass" or whatever that was.

MiG: Baby I Love Your Way. MiG got Dave thinking about how much he loves his wife during that song. He got me thinking about how much Dennis Rodman probably loved Dave’s wife at one time. Truthfully, I did get a little choked up during MiG’s performance, but I will keep my girly-man thoughts to myself. But I will say this, I miss my high school Latin teacher, Mrs Hull (probably only three people reading this would understand that joke, but it was worth it). MiG sang this song beautifully, and most of the people I talked to at the taping agreed that he deserves the encore.

I’m guessing the bottom three will be Jessica, Deanna and Suzie. It should only be JD, but that is bad math. If there was only one thing you could say about INXS it would be that they are sticklers for good math, so there will definitely be a bottom of entirely three (insert Monty Python and the holy hand grenade bit here). Based on tonight’s performance alone, I would put JD, Deanna and Jessica in there (and Jessica would be included only to make the math work so that I don’t get another scathing progress report from Garry Beers).

I’m still getting my head back together after our whirlwind tour of Hollywood and thereabouts, so I’ll have a report on my perspective on the trip later this week. But, I will tell you that Daphna clung to my chair as she squatted (yes, squatted, right there in front of us) down to talk to StivOO_. She didn’t have much use for the rest of us. She did seem genuinely sweet and her ass wasn’t as big as I thought it was from seeing it on television. And, she looked better in person, overall, than on television.