Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 30 - Sid

So this week kicked off with Brooke talking about a bunch of stuff. I was just waiting to find out what number to call to vote for her. Just let her be the lead singer and lip synch to the original Michael Hutchence vocals. Case closed.

We got the Reader’s Digest version of last night’s mansion show. We always had Reader’s Digest in the bathroom when I was growing up and I believe that’s the reason I haven’t been able to read a full-length novel in the last 10 years. No matter how many steroids you pump into Ben Johnson, he just ain’t going to win a marathon. But I digress.

Nothing too controversial this week, except for JD flubbing the studio challenge after prepping like a Hoosier for Hurricane Katrina. He claimed he was just waiting for the band to tell him what to do. I might not know what to do when a pipe explodes in my house, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have a beer and take a nap while I wait for the plumber to show up.

Jordis got reamed for tricking up the melody and claimed she thought it was part of the clinic. The “Rewrite INXS Songs Because We Desperately Need Your Help, Jordis” clinic.

Marty was praised for wrapping his vocal cords in lace and getting in touch with his feminine voice. Kirk’s obsession with Marty’s softer side is getting a little creepy. So let’s not dwell and get on with the show.

Ty – You Can’t Always Get What You Want: Obviously, or Ty would have been gone in week two. This week Ty “looks to past to change the future” and draws upon his experience in the church to prove that he’s the “man for the job.” Yep, just what INXS needs to get back to their gospel roots. The performance felt like a Coca-Cola C2 commercial and I kept waiting for him to hold a can up next to that damn smirk on his face.

JD – Suspicious Minds: I’ve been to Graceland during Elvis week (purely coincidental, really) and it’s pretty scary. I’d have given my left nut to see JD rather than the whackjobs running around in the white pantsuits and cheesy sunglasses whose only training appears to be a love of peanut butter and banana sandwiches and an excess of dippity-doo. However, this isn’t Elvis week and my left nut is keeping my gait in balance, so the offer is off the table. I’m not even sure who I would have had to give my left nut if somebody did take me up on the offer. But I digress. I guess the vocal was decent and the arrangement was bearable, but for some reason JD reminded me of Ferris Bueller’s “Danke Shoen” and “Twist and Shout” performance on the float. But the chicks seem to dig him, so what the hell do I know?

Be sure to send me your special edition Rock Star t-shirts from Levi’s and I’ll jazz it up for you with my scissors so you can be just like Brooke.

Marty – Wish You Were Here: Let me preface the following by saying that I thought it was a good performance. Well done, and I don’t think I would have been disappointed if I was a big Floyd fan. However, I kept thinking back to the classic movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s 30 years old, so I don’t think I’m giving away any spoilers, but if you haven’t seen it, then skip to Jordis, go rent it after the elimination show and check it out. McMurphy brings some life to the nut asylum and because of that the staff needs to put Mac in check. All attempts fail to contain him and ultimately lead to his lobotomy. I wanted to be Chief Bromden and take a pillow to Marty’s face tonight. I hope you understand the symbolism and lack of malicious intent in that last statement. It’s a rather extreme analogy at this point, but one that came to mind tonight. Marty is saying and doing the right things to stay in the competition, proving himself as a professional, and likely making himself more marketable. I think there are already too many marketable people out there and I don’t want to see him change too much just to fill a role in INXS. I couldn’t tell for sure, but he doesn’t seem to be brimming with enthusiasm over the recent compliments from OBINXS over his new voice and his softer side. I wish I had a good dick joke to fit in here to lighten things up, but I don’t so let’s just move on.

Jordis – Imagine: She strums that guitar like a girl. How about a real clinic so Dave can teach her how to hold a pick? Maybe it’s an inordinate number of close-ups, but she also needs to look around a little bit more instead of staring at the camera the whole time. I knew a guy that always seemed to be looking at a point about three inches above your head whenever he talked to you, as if there was a naked Cheryl Tiegs bobblehead doll mounted there or something. After a while it became very disconcerting and Jordis is getting to that point with me as well. I guess that’s not too damn bad if that’s all I can complain about. Thought the vocal was exceptional and nice to see she didn’t overdo it. She also introduced us to that maniac Papa Unga, who appeared dressed to kill to get a shot at bagging Brooke.

MiG – Live and Let Die: It started with a bad Paul impersonation at rehearsal and went downhill from there. I was starting to like him and even pegged him as an overwhelming favorite to take this thing, but he’s dangerously close to reverting back to the dude I just don’t like for some reason. Although the reason might be a growing similarity to the musical stylings of one Steve Perry. Word on the street is that OBINXS noted he was a bit nasally in this performance and they appear to be dead on, especially in the beginning of the song. The random screams were annoying and the only thing missing to complete the mess was Linda McCartney on background vocals. The wife says his legs are too skinny to wear those pants. I’m not sure what that means, but she’s usually right about that kind of stuff. That’s why I never get to wear my assless chaps in public.

I hope we get to hear songs from George and Ringo next week. I want to hear Jordis do the No No Song. Smile if you just don’t understand.

Suzie – Bohemian Rhapsody: I had to go back and review the tape on this one. When Napolean Dynamite first came out, Letterman had Jon Heder on the showgram and Dave said he had to watch the movie twice – once just to make sure everything was going to be alright, then a second time to really enjoy it. She somehow pulled off one of the most theatrical rock songs ever without turning it into a Broadway show. That’s also the most jammin’ church choir I’ve seen since the Blues Brothers. OBINXS got so caught up in the moment they offered her the job, but had to edit that out since we’ve still got a few weeks of shows to fill. MiG looked a bit envious. JD looked dumbfounded. Ty looked bitter.

Sid’s Week 8 Rankings: Papa Unga, Suzie, Jordis, Marty, JD, Ty, MiG
And would obviously like Ty to go.

The early bottom three: JD, Ty, Marty

Prediction: Suzie is safe. If Jordis didn’t go last week, she’s safe this week. So, does MiG replace someone in early voting? Yes. Marty. Marty’s fan base will respond to the early voting threat and give MiG a chance to sing an INXS tune. Ty goes home, because they finally realize he’s just not roit for OBINXS. Papa Unga get the encore. Suzie, MiG and Jordis drown in their own tears. Marty and JD enter the Thunderdome in a special edition Rock Star next week to determine the winner.

Two men enter… one man leaves…..


Mack the Fork said...

Wow, what a stirring rendition of Imagine Knock Knock Knocking on the Door of the Man Who Sold the World to Layla.

I never thought I'd see Suzie elevated so high above Jordis in my eyes. Not so much for BoRhap, which I thought was servicable but enjoyable mostly due to the big production of it. But I'm seeing that in general Suzie is capable of bringing more ranges of emotion to the table than J.

Well done Marty. There is no place to hide vocally when performing that song, and he smoked it, bringing out all the emotion buried in that song. Never thought the band was less roit for Marty than after last night, though. They are wringing any last wisp of 'rock', pop or not, out of this whole debacle.

I won't try to second-guess Marty's wishes or intents, though.

Sid F'er said...

Well said, Mack. Thank you for leaving the second guessing of his wishes and intents to me. That's why we get paid the big bucks. You're probably too emotionally involved as his limo driver.
It's seems like he keeps trying to push the limits, but they seem to keep pushing back harder. He truly does appear to be learning and growing as a result of the process, but it's tough to get a read on him. He does seem even more demure than usual, although in retrospect, maybe part of that was the emotion of the song. I just hope everything turns out in the best interest of everyone involved, and by everyone, I mean Marty.

Moist Rub said...

Mack, you seem to spend a lot of time never thinking.

Mack the Fork said...

Coulda never said it better myself

Whiskey A Go Go said...

Imagine there's no Rock Star, it isn't hard to do.

Sid F'er said...

It's almost easy if you try...

Sid F'er said...

Agree with Mack's comment on Imagine Knocking on the Door.....
however, does anyone remember Jordis throwing down a pretty rockin' Baba O'Reilly in week one?

Moist Rub said...

Does anybody remember laughta?

L A Ray said...

Does anyone know if they show The Song Remain The Same as the midnight movie anywhere in SoCal?????

dalebud said...

One of the best moments of Marty's life? Obviously he never got to kick Efrem Winter's ass. Seriously - he did as good a job as you could with it. Glad he didn't do the unison la-la's with the guitar like Dave Gilmore does. For Moist: Raph's axe wasn't a Custom Clapton as that's just in black or blue.
Suzie's performance on BoRhap wasn't nearly as good as the musician's - she didn't even try to hit the notes and what about "Is this the real life..."
Jordis almost looked like she was trying to hide behind that guitar. She sounded great and her eyes looked awesome. Kind of reminded me of Joan Jett in "Crimson & Clover."
Think JD and his every-performance pogoing & airpunching has to go. If you look closely the only ones into his performances are the two-deep ring of misguided chicks who like this "badboy."

213 said...

Let me get this out of the way:
I may be biased (or tired. or fat).

Well, I tried to catch it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed... (Sorry, I digress, but speaking of America, I hope they make somebody sing Horse with No Name just to piss that Sid F'er off).

But I did read the blog and the song titles drew me in for Tuesday.

Ty - Actually caught only about the last 30 seconds, but as much as I love the Stones, what I saw didn't inspire me to rewind the tape.

JD - is a pud. Wasn't the choir supposed to be in on only 2 songs? I think he forgot the part about Elvis needing boats.

Marty - Listening to Floyd is like a religious experience, so there was great potential to piss me off. Instead, he was the only one who added any value to the song with which he was blessed. Does Beers really think Rog wished Syd (not you, Sid) was there?

St. Jordis - What was she doing with Brian Jones's guitar?

MiG - The music made me slam dance in the kitchen, but since there wasn't a bouffant-topped lard ass to stop my momentum and there are 5 doorways, I tumbled through one of back into the family room. After all that, I really can't comment on his performance, but I'm not about to rewind the tape to see it.

Suzie - Have any of the fawning idiots praising her performance actually listened to the original? I'll grant that it wasn't her fault that they made the "most difficult song to sing and play in rock n roll" much easier by cutting half the song out, but I agree with Dalebud that she didn't come close to hitting the notes and with mack that the big production (and the big dramatic buildup) was more responsible for its impact than she was. Any of the other 5 could have done just as well (and some better) with this song.

Don't think I care to watch/listen to INXS songs tonight. But I'll keep reading and maybe the real songs next week (please, Horse with No Name) will lure me in again.

NEWSFLASH - this just in: Steve Dahl is predicting that INXS will choose Marty.

Moist Rub said...

If you knew anything about harmony, you'd know that a professional singer doesn't have to jeopardize the performance and hit the main note if the rhythm guitar player can hit it and she can hit the harmonic. It's in the bible, so it's gotta be true.

dalebud said...

You may have hit on something there Moist, but then - shouldn't the damn rhythm guitar player sing lead? He sang it because lovely Susie couldn't.

L A Ray said...

where's the update you bastards!

L A Ray said...

Nicely done Ty play the race card.

Moist Rub said...


What about this one?

dalebud said...

Moist, You can't trust them Krauts - they don't even call it white (weiss?) Probably spray-painted it in the alley behind the shop. Actually, it's probably the "regular" EC model, rather than the "Custom Shop" one I referred to. Rock on. Get those Y&T Unearthed (2 Vols) CDs yet?

dalebud said...

Moist, upon further review of Raph's Strat. It isn't any style of EC model - it doesn't have a truss rod (another male disease?) bullet on the headstock and the "Stratocaster" label is too big for EC. Appears to be a late 60's - 1970 model or some reissue of that era. Love,Guitar Squid

Moist Rub said...

That is why you are the guitar hero in the band, and I am merely luggin' the crates.

Nice Job.

dalebud said...

No way man - your tremolo picking is the shit. I miss the Bandit with the gain, presence, and reverb kicked up to 10. BTW, it's not a Beck either. All them sig models have the jag's sig on the nobber end of the headstock and most are reps of the pre-CBS buyout years with "Stratocaster" lettering pretty small.

L A Ray said...

The geek guitar blog is two down on the left

dalebud said...

Sorry LAR. You still got that black Strat? I remember that from the pub-crawl - I enjoy reminsiscing about your wrestlemania w/Moist at the White Hen when I stop by there.

L A Ray said...

still have it. both the strat and the scars on my elbows from skidding across the parking lot on them. I'll never be able to eat a sandwich from White Hen again.