Rock Star - Aug 30 - Sid

So this week kicked off with Brooke talking about a bunch of stuff. I was just waiting to find out what number to call to vote for her. Just let her be the lead singer and lip synch to the original Michael Hutchence vocals. Case closed.

We got the Reader’s Digest version of last night’s mansion show. We always had Reader’s Digest in the bathroom when I was growing up and I believe that’s the reason I haven’t been able to read a full-length novel in the last 10 years. No matter how many steroids you pump into Ben Johnson, he just ain’t going to win a marathon. But I digress.

Nothing too controversial this week, except for JD flubbing the studio challenge after prepping like a Hoosier for Hurricane Katrina. He claimed he was just waiting for the band to tell him what to do. I might not know what to do when a pipe explodes in my house, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have a beer and take a nap while I wait for the plumber to show up.

Jordis got reamed for tricking up the melody and claimed she thought it was part of the clinic. The “Rewrite INXS Songs Because We Desperately Need Your Help, Jordis” clinic.

Marty was praised for wrapping his vocal cords in lace and getting in touch with his feminine voice. Kirk’s obsession with Marty’s softer side is getting a little creepy. So let’s not dwell and get on with the show.

Ty – You Can’t Always Get What You Want: Obviously, or Ty would have been gone in week two. This week Ty “looks to past to change the future” and draws upon his experience in the church to prove that he’s the “man for the job.” Yep, just what INXS needs to get back to their gospel roots. The performance felt like a Coca-Cola C2 commercial and I kept waiting for him to hold a can up next to that damn smirk on his face.

JD – Suspicious Minds: I’ve been to Graceland during Elvis week (purely coincidental, really) and it’s pretty scary. I’d have given my left nut to see JD rather than the whackjobs running around in the white pantsuits and cheesy sunglasses whose only training appears to be a love of peanut butter and banana sandwiches and an excess of dippity-doo. However, this isn’t Elvis week and my left nut is keeping my gait in balance, so the offer is off the table. I’m not even sure who I would have had to give my left nut if somebody did take me up on the offer. But I digress. I guess the vocal was decent and the arrangement was bearable, but for some reason JD reminded me of Ferris Bueller’s “Danke Shoen” and “Twist and Shout” performance on the float. But the chicks seem to dig him, so what the hell do I know?

Be sure to send me your special edition Rock Star t-shirts from Levi’s and I’ll jazz it up for you with my scissors so you can be just like Brooke.

Marty – Wish You Were Here: Let me preface the following by saying that I thought it was a good performance. Well done, and I don’t think I would have been disappointed if I was a big Floyd fan. However, I kept thinking back to the classic movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s 30 years old, so I don’t think I’m giving away any spoilers, but if you haven’t seen it, then skip to Jordis, go rent it after the elimination show and check it out. McMurphy brings some life to the nut asylum and because of that the staff needs to put Mac in check. All attempts fail to contain him and ultimately lead to his lobotomy. I wanted to be Chief Bromden and take a pillow to Marty’s face tonight. I hope you understand the symbolism and lack of malicious intent in that last statement. It’s a rather extreme analogy at this point, but one that came to mind tonight. Marty is saying and doing the right things to stay in the competition, proving himself as a professional, and likely making himself more marketable. I think there are already too many marketable people out there and I don’t want to see him change too much just to fill a role in INXS. I couldn’t tell for sure, but he doesn’t seem to be brimming with enthusiasm over the recent compliments from OBINXS over his new voice and his softer side. I wish I had a good dick joke to fit in here to lighten things up, but I don’t so let’s just move on.

Jordis – Imagine: She strums that guitar like a girl. How about a real clinic so Dave can teach her how to hold a pick? Maybe it’s an inordinate number of close-ups, but she also needs to look around a little bit more instead of staring at the camera the whole time. I knew a guy that always seemed to be looking at a point about three inches above your head whenever he talked to you, as if there was a naked Cheryl Tiegs bobblehead doll mounted there or something. After a while it became very disconcerting and Jordis is getting to that point with me as well. I guess that’s not too damn bad if that’s all I can complain about. Thought the vocal was exceptional and nice to see she didn’t overdo it. She also introduced us to that maniac Papa Unga, who appeared dressed to kill to get a shot at bagging Brooke.

MiG – Live and Let Die: It started with a bad Paul impersonation at rehearsal and went downhill from there. I was starting to like him and even pegged him as an overwhelming favorite to take this thing, but he’s dangerously close to reverting back to the dude I just don’t like for some reason. Although the reason might be a growing similarity to the musical stylings of one Steve Perry. Word on the street is that OBINXS noted he was a bit nasally in this performance and they appear to be dead on, especially in the beginning of the song. The random screams were annoying and the only thing missing to complete the mess was Linda McCartney on background vocals. The wife says his legs are too skinny to wear those pants. I’m not sure what that means, but she’s usually right about that kind of stuff. That’s why I never get to wear my assless chaps in public.

I hope we get to hear songs from George and Ringo next week. I want to hear Jordis do the No No Song. Smile if you just don’t understand.

Suzie – Bohemian Rhapsody: I had to go back and review the tape on this one. When Napolean Dynamite first came out, Letterman had Jon Heder on the showgram and Dave said he had to watch the movie twice – once just to make sure everything was going to be alright, then a second time to really enjoy it. She somehow pulled off one of the most theatrical rock songs ever without turning it into a Broadway show. That’s also the most jammin’ church choir I’ve seen since the Blues Brothers. OBINXS got so caught up in the moment they offered her the job, but had to edit that out since we’ve still got a few weeks of shows to fill. MiG looked a bit envious. JD looked dumbfounded. Ty looked bitter.

Sid’s Week 8 Rankings: Papa Unga, Suzie, Jordis, Marty, JD, Ty, MiG
And would obviously like Ty to go.

The early bottom three: JD, Ty, Marty

Prediction: Suzie is safe. If Jordis didn’t go last week, she’s safe this week. So, does MiG replace someone in early voting? Yes. Marty. Marty’s fan base will respond to the early voting threat and give MiG a chance to sing an INXS tune. Ty goes home, because they finally realize he’s just not roit for OBINXS. Papa Unga get the encore. Suzie, MiG and Jordis drown in their own tears. Marty and JD enter the Thunderdome in a special edition Rock Star next week to determine the winner.

Two men enter… one man leaves…..