Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 23 - Sid

Moist Rub seemed to enjoy sitting on the runway at DFW so much last week that I decided to try it in Atlanta today. It’s not nearly as fun as he made it out to be, or perhaps I just failed to detect the sarcasm in his post. I figure that about the time the RS broadcast was wrapping up, we were refueling in Houston. Apparently we had a rookie pilot that wasn’t aware that you can circle for at least a good hour after the needle on the gas gauge shows empty. Quote of the Day (a cellphone conversation from the portly bloke in the seat next to me): “They’re letting us get off the plane in Houston, but there’s no food so what’s the use?” Buddha called, he wants his belly back but you can keep the total enlightenment, buddy.

Regardless, Mrs. F’er was cool enough to roll tape so that I could bring you this post sponsored by Delta Airlines… we love to sit on the runway for hours, and it shows. Something special on the ground. The good news is that it only took me 40 minutes to watch the show without commercials. So let me know if there are any products out there that I need to give my life meaning again. On with the show.

Wow. Not the best performance show, but I’d say the most interesting. First, where’s Garry? I thought I saw something on a message board somewhere, but can’t remember what it said so I’ll just assume he’s in rehab for a balsa wood addiction until someone can set the record straight for me.

Next, tell Brooke I liked the high-class call girl look.

New game this week – drink every time a contestant yells, “C’mon!” to the crowd.

Suzie – Start Me Up: A dichotomy right off the bat. For the first time, I actually thought she looked pretty hot tonight. Not sure if it was the hair, the make-up, or both, but I was intimidated. I hid around the corner and just peeked at the television for fear of getting caught looking at her. Looks like Jessica forgot to pack a pair of her low-riders. On the other hand, I didn’t care for the performance. The house band rocks, but they aren’t the Stones and the song didn’t sound right coming from her. I can put on the Wizzo costume, but that doesn’t mean I’m Marshall Brodein. Hope that reference wasn’t too obscure for y’all. C’mon!

JD – Cold As Ice: Obviously stumbled into the CBS wardrobe archives for Simon & Simon or The Fall Guy. I didn’t think it was a bad performance, but I also ate some grits and spinach the other night and didn’t think it was bad. In fact, if I had a choice of eating grits and spinach or watching JD again, I’d go with the grits and spinach. He also got kudos from OBINXS for taking risks, which just seems to involve going into rehearsal and telling the house band to go “chunka, chunka, chunka, chunka”.

Deanna – Not True?: Despite Ty’s help, I have to say I kind of liked this song. I guess even MC Hammer hits on a stock tip once in a while. However, I’ll also assume that the house band cleaned up and de-cheesed the song a bit for Deanna. She also stepped out of the 60’s like a regular Austin Powers and I found it groovy, baby. The new hair was a nice upgrade and I liked the updated hot pants look. Like they said, the song suited her voice and I enjoyed the story at the end. I can only hope that I, too, have inspired some girls out there to achieve greatness just by being an asshole.

Ty – Proud Mary: It’s called ROCK Star: INXS, not SOUL Star: INXS, dumbass. Every major city has a plethora of bands that can throw down a similar performance of Proud Mary at a wedding reception, the local dance club or the Christmas party circuit. There’s plenty of work out there for you Ty, you’ve just stumbled into the wrong job interview. I was also a little disturbed that it appeared that Deanna was the most comfortable that I’ve ever seen her when she was doing his background vocals. She’s a shoo-in for the follow-up show – Backup Singer: INXS.

MiG – Do or Die: This sounded like a Journey or Survivor song to me. Something I would expect to hear on the Rocky VII soundtrack. Bad pants. He got some nice comments, but I think he lost a little ground this week.

Marty – I Alone: It looked like he stepped right out of the opening credits of the Adams Family. Just like the Munsters had cousin Marilyn, the Adams’ had cousin Marty this week. I’m not much on lyrics, but it appeared he was performing the stalker interpretation of this song. He had a look about him whereas I expected him to go out and assassinate the president to prove his love to Garry Beers. The timing seemed way off in the middle and he kind of lost me for a minute. I think the performance would have played much better in a live club atmosphere, but on the broadcast it didn’t come off as his best.

Jordis – Dream On: Karaoke versions of any Aerosmith song definitely make you appreciate Steven Tyler. That screech at the end was reminiscent of our buddy Dana from Episode One (Rock Star, not Star Wars). I’m not a Star Wars fan, so I don’t know if there was a Dana in the movie. I was hoping this Star Wars talk would distract you from the review of Jordis’ sub par performance, so let’s just say she looked good tonight. I liked the hat, jeans, and pinstripe coat.

Bottom Three (early voting): Deanna, Ty, Jordis

Looking back, I just realized the only performance I really liked was Deanna’s. I guess we’ll throw Suzie and Marty in there by default. JD somewhere in the middle. Ty, MiG, and Jordis are my personal bottom three.

Prediction: I’ll say the bottom three stay the same. Deanna and Ty just don’t seem to have much of a fan base and Saint Jordis was way too rough to ignore. As much as I’d like to see Ty go, I think Deanna might not be roit for OBINXS this week.

The other piece that I thought made this show interesting is that the focus seems to finally be shifting to who is a fit for the band. We all know Marty is capable, but if he stays true to himself he really isn’t a good fit. He still has a good fan base to keep him out of the bottom three, but would they dare kick him or Jordis to the curb and piss off the viewers? I think there are more “rocker” fans than INXS fans watching this show.


mack the fork said...

Good to see JD took something away from the microphone sweet-spot clinic.

I was particularly impressed with Ty's spike extensions. And pulling in the back-up singers was a brilliant ploy to take camera time away from himself. Otherwise we would have had to see even more tongue shots and jaw thrusts. Sid, you need to clinic Ty on proper wopper jaw etiquette - when to wield it, when to stow it.

Gotta hand it to Jordis, falling over at the end of her song. She new it sucked, and didn't try to blame the band, the microphone, global warming, or even Gilbert Gottfried for her performance. I don't buy the "overthought it" stuff, but no sense slamming yourself (take note, Deanna) when the band throws you a life preserver like that.

Also, either someone put a quarter in my vibrating couch, or there was way too much vibrato going on last night. There's no vibrato in rock and roll!

gilbert gottfried said...

screw you, mack.

global warming said...

Yeah, screw you, mack.

the microphone said...

yeah, screw you mack

Sid F'er said...

one more left.... anyone?

the House Band said...

We like mack. He's our favorite.

Princess Furious said...

Did anyone notice that one of Brooke's boobs is bigger than the other.
Not only should JD button his lip, but he should really button his shirt cuz I'm sick of seeing him half naked!

Spooge Bob Wet Pants said...

I noticed.

dalebud said...

Brooke has boobs?