Rock Star - Aug 30 Moist Rub

I see Brooke got the boots I sent her. I sent them to her as a joke. I never thought she’d actually wear them. I used to keep my petrified sausage collection in those boots. Yes, Dave, those boots weren’t made for walkin’. They were made to tell everyone, "Hey, look, I’m a big whorebag."

After the de ja vu period, the INXS confronted the Rockers with questions about their behavior at the recording session. They asked JD why he didn’t prepare for the song. He told them he wanted the INXS to tell him what to do like a bad little kitty. We told you to prepare for the song. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did...this went on for approximately four hours. Luckily for us viewers at home, they cut most of that. They finally determined that JD’s problem was he didn’t know what "pre-empt" meant. Instead of asking Jordis why she messed with the melody, Andrew walked over to the rocker den and slapped her in the face, stating, "don’t mess with my shit." Marty was asked if he felt he compromised himself at all by following the direction of Andrew. He responded, "not as much as I did when you all made me blow you in the alley, that’s for sure." Remember that scene from Team America? Yeah, that was pretty funny. Marionettes having oral sex, who woulda thunk? Back to you, Brookie.

Ty - Can’t Always Get What You Want. I’m being haunted by the words of Sid. I can’t help but let Ty’s smug look irritate me whenever I watch him now. I am such an invertebrate (a proboscis worm, to be specific). Ty let us know that he is all about gospel and rock. Last week he was all about rock and dancing. Next week, if he’s still around, he’ll be all about de-evolution and plastic clothes, because he’ll be singing Whip It. Whip it good. His voice sounded swell, as usual. Maybe a bit over the top, but not too much. I enjoyed the performance except for the "What you need" phrases sung ala INXS and his acquiescent glance at the band. Gag me with a roofing shovel, dude. If the INXS respects that kind of pandering, then I have no respect for them. Nobody brought it up, so I assume it may have been cut, or the INXS wasn’t watching his performance since it was pretty much the same as his other ones.

JD - Suspicious Minds. I’m beginning to get the impression that JD wants to front this band. Although, sometimes I forget, so I’m glad he reminds us every goddam week. Isn’t it time for him to go back car, yet? What is wrong with the youth of America? That question was answered tonight when they zoomed in on a girl wearing an "I *heart* JD" t-shirt - they're morons. Where are those PETA sociopaths with their buckets of blood when we need them? They waste their time tormenting pelt-adorned, opulent hags, but there, on the sacred CBS studio floor is the real scourge of society! If that were my daughter, you can bet your bottom side of your ass that I’d make sure she’d get him to autograph the shirt so we can sell it on eBay. So JD, in is infinite wisdom, decided to exorcize his Elvis demons by singing an Elvis song in a performance that included the Elvis signature split-legged stance, the infamous Elvis sneer and the typical Elvis split fingered hand gesture. Way to deviate, dudeman. Wait a minute, he did do the pogo, too. Elvis never did the Pogo. He would have, but he feared puking fried banana sandwiches all over his sequened jump suit. Do you know how much those cost to clean? I think the Pogo is what did it. I could faintly see the spirit of Elvis leave JD’s body and enter MiG. But then the spirit of Elvis found there was not enough room inside of MiG since he was already possessed by the living spirit of Donny Osmond. So, the spirit of Elvis, attracted by the smell of sausage, hovered over to Brooke to hang out in her boots. The INXS bashed JD for his lack of elevation. He responded with sentence fragments about a monkey, and that was about it. I don’t like his voice.

What’s that marketing technique called when they place products in the middle of shows for advertising purposes? That’s right, it’s called bullshit. How could Levi’s cover up Brooke’s see-through shirt with their lame t-shirt. Ha! Your advertising ploy didn’t work, Mr. Straus. I’m not going to buy the Levi’s t-shirt; I’m going to by the see-through one, and sniff it.

Marty - Wish You Were Here. I don’t really wish Marty was here right now. The kids are asleep, I have nothing to serve and I have to work in the morning. How’s next weekend sound? Seems that Marty has learned to emote without screaming. Those Casey’s are so smart. I’d like to see one of the clinics be an episode of Jeopardy! I’m betting Marty walks away with it. Hey, Rafael, can I have your cool white strat? Is that a Jeff Beck or an EC? I think the choir was useless in this song and proved to be a distraction, if anything. Take a break on this one, church people, and let Marty ruminate with Floyd, man. Marty showed us yet another side of his voice. At one point on this blog, I think I stated that Marty’s versatility as a singer may be limited. He has proven to be the most versatile of the remaining contestants (and he has proven me a dumb ass). The other Rockers, except for JD, all sing well, but they usually sing their songs with the same approach. Well, maybe Jordis has some other flavors, but that’s about it. Marty’s been all over the place and has done well with most of it. The INXS and Dave gave Marty his props, and rightly so. Great, mate. There was one problem. What’s the deal, Aunt Betty gets a hug, and I got nuthin’ when I was out there cheering my heart out? I’m hurt.

Jordis - Imagine. Marty tried to inspire Jordis in her preparation with this song by sitting with her with his shirt off. It worked. Welcome back, Jordis. How was your time in Aerosmith hell? I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Jordis’ vocal prominence was accompanied by the return of our favorite INXSer, Garry Beers. He must have horked her muse and taken it with him. I do have bone, however. Normally, I dig chicks with guitars, but there was something about her strumming that made me feel uneasy. Maybe the guitar was too big. Maybe I was haunted by inappropriate memories of Charo. She told the INXS that she needed the guitar to help her "be the music". You’re not being the music, Danny. Well, it’s kind of hard with you talking like that. Jordis has such a sweet look on her face when she sings these kinds of songs. I, again, want her to sing to me while I give the dogs a bath. We now all know where Jordis gets her talent - her father is Dr. Funkenstein himself, George Clinton.

MiG - Live and Let Die. Yes, it is true what I said up there. The living spirit of Donny Osmond resides in the flesh of MiG. There’s also a little bit of Ethel Merman in there, too, but Donny doesn’t mind - he’s glad for the company. I wasn’t impressed with MiG’s take on this song. It sounded like he was attempting to mix the Paul version with the Axl version and ended up somewhere in the middle (Buster Poindexter). His voice was nasal and he was too Guys-and-Dolls-ish. Like in some of his earlier performances, this song kicked his ass to the point where he had to do a stage flop at the end of it. Save some for the encore, my man (but not this week). I agree with Kirk when he castigated MiG for singing through all of the instrumental portions of the song. It pissed me off, too. Well said, Kirk. Let’s do lunch and then we can see about getting you some contact lenses, before you turn into Roy Orbison. Did you see the french horn guy rocking out? I used to play french horn in the fifth grade. Had I known you could rock out with it, I wouldn't have minded getting spit all over my hand so much and would have probably stuck with it. French horn players don't usually get the chicks. That is why John Entwistle switched to the bass. It's a well known fact. Look it up.

Suzie - Bohemian Rhapsody. The song was almost over before I realized that I hadn’t taken any notes. I was enthralled, mostly because I was waiting for her to screw up (I wasn’t hoping she screwed up, I was ruing the possibility).(It’s not easy ruing possibilities.)(Most people don’t rue possibilities, but I do.)(Good girls don’t, but I do.)(How come they haven’t done any The Knack songs yet?) On his way out to meet me for lunch, Kirk told Suzie that this was the best performance - EVER. Even better than the Goo Goo Dolls on that one episode of Beverley Hills 90125. Or was it Melrose Place? Doesn’t matter - same thing. I think she is very good, and I’m this close to wanting to her to sing to me while I dry off the dogs.

On my way out to meet Kirk, they splashed the early low vote progress on the screen: JD, Ty and Marty. Take Marty out and put in Donny Osmond. (Would you forget the Donny Osmond for a moment?!). That’s what I think and hope will happen. I thought they were all wonderful, except JD, for the most part, but it’s throw-down time, so we gotta be mean. It's time to send JD far, far away.

So I meet Kirk at McDonalds and we both say to each other, "why are we meeting for lunch in the middle of the night?" Neither of us responded, because we knew deep down inside the answer was, "rock 'n roll, dude." Surprisingly, we couldn't find any 24 hour optometrist shops, but I did buy him a pair of paint ball goggles at Walmart to fit over his coke-bottle eye-glasses. It'll make him look a little better.