Sunday, August 28, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 28 - Sid

In case you missed the show or don't have VH1, you can stream it on Dave's site - click 6767 TV and find the Rock Star thumbnail (lower right, last I checked).

I was never so happy to see Dave than when he walked into the mansion to break up the memorial service for the dearly departed Deanna Johnston. No disrespect here, but most wakes and memorial services suck and they certainly don’t make for good television. It’s not like she was the Pope or something. Even the Pope’s funeral sucked.

But I digress. Since moving the mansion show to cable, it appears that the show is under a directive to cut costs and Dave has to make deliveries to the mansion. After restocking the wine cellar and cleaning the pool, he dropped off some sheet music for a new INXS song called “Us” for which the rockers would lay down some vocals in the studio the next day. They quickly forgot about Deanna and she was already on the same path as that kind of cute chick on the first season of Survivor that was covered in bites all the time and was rewarded with a part the movie The Animal with Rob Schneider.

So they all gathered round to learn the song and rehearse. Except for JD. The producers want us to believe that JD drank half a beer and passed out with Paul Anka cranked up on his IPod instead of rehearsing, but it was obvious to me that he was drugged. He was also face down, so I’m pretty sure they also drew a big penis on his face with a Sharpie that he spent the whole next morning trying to scrub off. They all denied it the next day, but I’m pretty sure Jordis did it.

Ty was all pumped up since recording in the studio would expose some people vocally. The prick just doesn’t get it. Just because he spent his youth in choir practice instead of blowing shit up like normal kids doesn’t mean people will like him or want him to sing their songs. In fact, I did a little research for you, Ty. These rankings from Amazon are as of Sunday night.

INXS – Best of - #88
Lovehammers (Marty) – Murder on my Mind - #395
Bona Roba (Neal) – Reach In and Get Her - #9,861
Joydrop (Tara) – Viberate - #16,953
Dakota Moon (Ty) – Dakota Moon - #18,426
Joydrop (Tara) – Metasexual - #39,848
Dakota Moon (Ty) – Place to Land - #60,847
Heather Luttrell – Grits n’ Pulp - #83,825

That’s right… even though most of us won’t ask Marty to sing Ave Maria at our wedding we’d rather listen to him scream than listen to you show off your perfect pitch. In fact, more people want to listen to Neal and I think he was kicked off the show sometime last year. Even after Tara horrified the masses with Paranoid, more people were interested in buying a Joydrop CD instead of Dakota Moon. I'm not saying that sales are necessarily indicative of good music, but Ty needs to know he isn't as Tyriffic as he thinks he is. Dakota Moon… pffftttt.

We got to go to the studio with the rockers for the recording session. Suzie got to lead off and said something about being sick or having a hairball stuck in her throat, but nailed the song anyway. I decided that I would buy a CD with that vocal, whether with INXS or not. Imagine what she can do after she coughs up that hairball.

Jordis decided to Unga-fy the tune to better suit her and piss off the band. No bridge building or meeting half way here. She shot some flaming arrows across the river at OBINXS while blowing up that bridge like a scene out of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Ty then strutted in to show OBINXS that he has more soul in his mohawk than the other rockers have in their collective, soulless shells. Thanks, Ty, can you send MiG in?

MiG did a MiGGy version of the tune and I guess it sounded alright. He still sounds more suited to Journey or Frampton covers, but I don’t dislike him. The band applauded him for his interpretation of the song, especially the way he treated the verse with gentle empathy… which was followed by a discordant, forboding chord as…

Marty enters the studio to stick that empathy in the garbage disposal with last night’s leftovers. We saw just enough to see “angry” Marty putting a nice Soundgarden touch on the OBINXS song, much to the displeasure of OB. However, they realize that Marty can sell more records than Dakota Swill, so they offer up a few suggestions on a retake. Marty takes their advice and the OBINXS finds it much to their liking, and proceed to dance the night away like Professor Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering.

JD finally emerges after getting the Sharpie penis off his face and decides to wing it since his mother played him INXS songs while he was still in the womb. Apparently this new tune wasn’t on the playlist since he proceeds to stumble over the words like a wino reading Dr. Suess. Dave and the other rockers are horrified at his failings, except for Jordis who is totally amused (as they search her room for Rohypnol back at the mansion).

Song selection time, and the big deal this week seems to be the two songs that will be accompanied by a choir, especially Bohemian Rhapsody. MiG and Suzie dig in their heels to battle for this one, except Suzie has some of those mountain climbing boots and MiG is wearing glass slippers. She also makes him feel sorry for her for having to wear such heavy boots in the standoff and he acquiesces before they both start crying.

The lineup:
Bohemian Rhapsody – Suzie
Can’t Always Get What You Want – Ty
Imagine – Jordis
Suspicious Minds – JD
Wish You Were Here – Marty
Live and Let Die - MiG

So, can Suzie overcome her declining confidence and make Brian May proud? Can JD channel Elvis and overcome his studio flubs? Can Ty piss me off anymore than he already has? Can Jordis improve upon John Lennon’s melody? Will MiG get confused and start singing Do or Die instead of Live and Let Die? Will Marty ever repay the $20 he owes Moist Rub? And most importantly, what will Brooke wear to top last week?


L A Ray said...

Thx for the recap. I missed most of the show watching a wonderful who dunnit on Hallmark starring the talented actor John Larroquette. He was much better in Night Court, but time has reduced his demand to that of a made for cable murder mystery. Anyway I could only flip to Rock Star during the commercials, because one does not want to miss vital clues when trying to figure out the guilty party. So one again you've done another great job summing it up. Keep up the good work.

Sid F'er said...

I think the real who dunnit is whatever happened to Markie Post?

Calai said...

Hi! We don't get to see the entire reality show here in Asia. It's always edited down to about 20 minutes, and it's shown before the performance show. I really enjoy your blog. You're comments are spot on! Thanks for keeping Asia updated. Cheers!

Mack the Fork said...

I was driving Marty to the studio recording session, and I bugged him about that $20, but he said, "Sid and Moist? You mean those two honkies, dressed up like Hasidic diamond merchants? Shit." Then he threw my lighter out the window.

Sid F'er said...

Calai -
Keeping Asia updated? The band or the continent? Damn, that seems like a lot of pressure. I might crack in the Heat of the Moment.

Mack -
Tell Marty on the next drive that we think he did a nice job trying to turn that goat piss song into gasoline.

L A Ray said...

Was just litening to Asia this weekend. Not the continent, but the band.

L A Ray said...

Oops, or listening

Sid F'er said...

Alphaville is big in Japan.

Whiskey A Go Go said...

Michael Jackson is big in Japan as well. He's not right for OBINXS. Alphaville was BIG IN JAPAN, but what was their big hit, hmmmmmmm. Buehler, Buehler, anyone, anyone.......

L A Ray said...

Hey Sid does it bother you Moist has more profile views than you?

Sid F'er said...

Profile views, eh? Here's several answers to choose from:

Generic media answer: No, of course it doesn't bother me. This blog was started as a team effort and I'm just pleased with any traffic that visits our humble site.

Bitter answer: No, of course not. Moist Rub is listed first on the blog and after looking at his lame-ass empty profile devoid of any entertainment value, they probably don't even give my lame-ass profile a chance.

Honest answer: No, it didn't until you mentioned it, you bastard. It doesn't bother me as much as it inspires me. His posts last week put me to shame and raised the proverbial bar before lowering it with extreme blunt force trauma to my skull.

dalebud said...

Wow - was that some update. Here's to catching up to that bastard Moist in profile views. Keep tapping into Asia and it's a done deal. Speaking of Asia, think you're serving them is some subliminal effort on your part to erase the stain created by poor treatment of B.A.G. back in the day. Hubie, Hubie, Hubie

Calai said...

Hey, Sid! Asia, the continent. The ratings are probably higher here than in the US given that MiG is Filipino, and, for some strange reason, Asia is stuck in the '80s. Which reminds me...I haven't listened to Asia, the band, in years....

P-Geo said...

Hey Calai,

I'd love to show you my lumpia.

Here's an "E" for tuning ... E

Asia - Heat of the Moment
(transcribed by Melton's Tuna Can)

I never meant...
One thing I ...
A look from ...
And it would ...

Do you ...
And ...
One thing ...
And we ...

It was the ...
Telling me ...
The heat of ...