Rock Star - Aug 28 - Sid

In case you missed the show or don't have VH1, you can stream it on Dave's site www.6767.com - click 6767 TV and find the Rock Star thumbnail (lower right, last I checked).

I was never so happy to see Dave than when he walked into the mansion to break up the memorial service for the dearly departed Deanna Johnston. No disrespect here, but most wakes and memorial services suck and they certainly don’t make for good television. It’s not like she was the Pope or something. Even the Pope’s funeral sucked.

But I digress. Since moving the mansion show to cable, it appears that the show is under a directive to cut costs and Dave has to make deliveries to the mansion. After restocking the wine cellar and cleaning the pool, he dropped off some sheet music for a new INXS song called “Us” for which the rockers would lay down some vocals in the studio the next day. They quickly forgot about Deanna and she was already on the same path as that kind of cute chick on the first season of Survivor that was covered in bites all the time and was rewarded with a part the movie The Animal with Rob Schneider.

So they all gathered round to learn the song and rehearse. Except for JD. The producers want us to believe that JD drank half a beer and passed out with Paul Anka cranked up on his IPod instead of rehearsing, but it was obvious to me that he was drugged. He was also face down, so I’m pretty sure they also drew a big penis on his face with a Sharpie that he spent the whole next morning trying to scrub off. They all denied it the next day, but I’m pretty sure Jordis did it.

Ty was all pumped up since recording in the studio would expose some people vocally. The prick just doesn’t get it. Just because he spent his youth in choir practice instead of blowing shit up like normal kids doesn’t mean people will like him or want him to sing their songs. In fact, I did a little research for you, Ty. These rankings from Amazon are as of Sunday night.

INXS – Best of - #88
Lovehammers (Marty) – Murder on my Mind - #395
Bona Roba (Neal) – Reach In and Get Her - #9,861
Joydrop (Tara) – Viberate - #16,953
Dakota Moon (Ty) – Dakota Moon - #18,426
Joydrop (Tara) – Metasexual - #39,848
Dakota Moon (Ty) – Place to Land - #60,847
Heather Luttrell – Grits n’ Pulp - #83,825

That’s right… even though most of us won’t ask Marty to sing Ave Maria at our wedding we’d rather listen to him scream than listen to you show off your perfect pitch. In fact, more people want to listen to Neal and I think he was kicked off the show sometime last year. Even after Tara horrified the masses with Paranoid, more people were interested in buying a Joydrop CD instead of Dakota Moon. I'm not saying that sales are necessarily indicative of good music, but Ty needs to know he isn't as Tyriffic as he thinks he is. Dakota Moon… pffftttt.

We got to go to the studio with the rockers for the recording session. Suzie got to lead off and said something about being sick or having a hairball stuck in her throat, but nailed the song anyway. I decided that I would buy a CD with that vocal, whether with INXS or not. Imagine what she can do after she coughs up that hairball.

Jordis decided to Unga-fy the tune to better suit her and piss off the band. No bridge building or meeting half way here. She shot some flaming arrows across the river at OBINXS while blowing up that bridge like a scene out of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Ty then strutted in to show OBINXS that he has more soul in his mohawk than the other rockers have in their collective, soulless shells. Thanks, Ty, can you send MiG in?

MiG did a MiGGy version of the tune and I guess it sounded alright. He still sounds more suited to Journey or Frampton covers, but I don’t dislike him. The band applauded him for his interpretation of the song, especially the way he treated the verse with gentle empathy… which was followed by a discordant, forboding chord as…

Marty enters the studio to stick that empathy in the garbage disposal with last night’s leftovers. We saw just enough to see “angry” Marty putting a nice Soundgarden touch on the OBINXS song, much to the displeasure of OB. However, they realize that Marty can sell more records than Dakota Swill, so they offer up a few suggestions on a retake. Marty takes their advice and the OBINXS finds it much to their liking, and proceed to dance the night away like Professor Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering.

JD finally emerges after getting the Sharpie penis off his face and decides to wing it since his mother played him INXS songs while he was still in the womb. Apparently this new tune wasn’t on the playlist since he proceeds to stumble over the words like a wino reading Dr. Suess. Dave and the other rockers are horrified at his failings, except for Jordis who is totally amused (as they search her room for Rohypnol back at the mansion).

Song selection time, and the big deal this week seems to be the two songs that will be accompanied by a choir, especially Bohemian Rhapsody. MiG and Suzie dig in their heels to battle for this one, except Suzie has some of those mountain climbing boots and MiG is wearing glass slippers. She also makes him feel sorry for her for having to wear such heavy boots in the standoff and he acquiesces before they both start crying.

The lineup:
Bohemian Rhapsody – Suzie
Can’t Always Get What You Want – Ty
Imagine – Jordis
Suspicious Minds – JD
Wish You Were Here – Marty
Live and Let Die - MiG

So, can Suzie overcome her declining confidence and make Brian May proud? Can JD channel Elvis and overcome his studio flubs? Can Ty piss me off anymore than he already has? Can Jordis improve upon John Lennon’s melody? Will MiG get confused and start singing Do or Die instead of Live and Let Die? Will Marty ever repay the $20 he owes Moist Rub? And most importantly, what will Brooke wear to top last week?