Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 17 Moist Rub

Heard backstage before tonight’s elimination show:

Brooke: Hey, Jess, can I borrower one of your tops tonight? I’ve been meaning to ask you before you get kicked off.

That Brooke, she’s all about timing.

MiG, Marty and Jordis were singled out as the top vote getters last night. As predicted by most, MiG was given the encore. In a surprising twist, he asked the other two top vote getters to join him and sing background vocals. That was a nice gesture. He may be too nice for rock n roll. I’ve compared him slightly to Donnie Osmond in the past. The Osmonds would definitely allow him to join their family, assuming he passes the Mormontific Entrance Exam, body cavity search and credit check. That’s a nice career to fall back on in case this INXS thing doesn’t fly. I couldn’t hear Marty much in the encore. I’m not sure he wanted to be heard. He’s a lead singer, goddammit! Does he look like a Pip to you? I don’t think so.

Jessica, Deanna and Suzie (yeah, I can’t believe it either) were chosen for the performance of shame. I finally got a prediction correct. I knew the dregs were too stupid to vote for Suzie. I voted for her. You should have seen the way she was looking at me when I was out there. Very come-hithery, let me tell you. Maybe that’s what got Brooke so mad to have had me pummeled to gut sauce during the performance show. JD didn’t make the bottom three. Hmmm. He must be really good.

Suzie got us rolling with By My Side. She looked frazzled and ready to cry. It took her about a verse and a half to compose herself. When I feel like crying, I find it helps to think about happy things, like farting children. Still, she was a little off her game. Kind of incongruent in the chorus. I figured she was safe, unless she started bawling, since the INXS seems to dig her. She finished off the song by falling to her knees and praying to god at the end of the runway. God cares about everything we want in life as long as we take the time to ask. This wish from Suzie is the perfect trivial wish he’s been known to follow through on. He’ll get around to the whole world hunger and world peace thing. Just be patient.

Jessica was ordered to center stage by Jon ""I’m sitting on a drumstick" Farris next. She is a good listener and followed his order, without even arguing once. She had the honor of singing Mystify - a fan favorite (by fan, I mean me). I think Tara trashed this song on prior elimination episode (bad omen). Jessica was all business. She came fully armed with her half shirt and low cut jeans. It hadn’t failed her yet. This was no time to be taking chances. She should have heeded my prior post and donned a thong. I counted only three squeaks. Three squeaks I can handle. She can sing the INXS songs admirably. So can Admiral Byrd. In fact, he does everything admirably. That’s what admirals do. Hence the name. I thought she performed well enough, but nothing to write from prison about.

Deanna went last. Never Tear Us Apart was her challenge. This song was originally written for two friends of the INXS who were Siamese twins. The initial title was Never Surgically Separate Us. Garry Beers, being the emotional leader of the band, suggested the eventual title, claiming that it better elicited images of devotion and personal sacrifice, not to mention blood and innards. Decent as her voice is, the more I hear her, the more I don’t want to hear her. Not singing INXS songs, anyway. Jessica’s voice is more fit for INXS tunage than Deanna’s voice. Deanna need songs with more meat. I need her to kick my ass. Most INXS songs don’t kick my ass. Do you know what kicks my ass? That’s right, Brooke’s body guards kick my ass. Luckily, they spared three of my fingers so I can type. I thought for sure Deanna would be asked to leave.

It turns out, somebody in the INXS has the hots for Deanna, so they sent Jessica back to Chicago. Either way, neither of them was going to win, so it is just a matter of time for the one that would stay to be ousted as well. This gives me a chance to see Cover Gurl, which I will as long as I’m free that night and they’re playing a venue in my neighborhood, and nobody calls me at the last minute to do something else. They saved us the agony of slowly talking to each eliminatee to build the tension and then sending one back to the sanctuary so that the other two have to hold each other, as if they were concerned about the fate of the other, before crushing one of them. Jessica received the quick band-aid removal technique. Sure, it may pull off more hair, but the pain is short and quick, unlike this audition process.


Rev. Horton Heat said...

Dearest Moist Rub -
Nothing God does is trivial and I get the sense that you are mocking Him. Just as our Lord, I cannot and will not impose my will upon you to refrain, but I am here to share the message of love from our Lord and let you know that his love includes you, too, Mr. Moist Rub. Perhaps if world hunger and disharmony are causing anxiety in your life, you might look within yourself and the tools God gave you to see what you might do to help.
God Bless.

Moist Rub said...

Rev. Meat,

Are suggesting I solve world hunger and world peace by using my tool? OK, I'll give it a go. Bend over.

Also, are you saying your lord cannot impose his will on me? I thought he was omnipotent. That would imply that he could do anything. Is it that he cannot or will not? Can't he make up his mind? You've confused me.

I wasn't mocking him. In order to mock something, it has to exist.

hosepumper said...

I doubt that your tool is substantial enough to solve any problem.

No, Marty does not look like a Pip. They look like men. What's with the eyeliner??? Besides, The Pips can sing in tune. ; )

Rev. Horton Heat said...

Dearest Moist Rub -
I'm not suggesting that you solve anything. I'm just suggesting a possible course of action that might help reduce your anxiety and possibly help you reconcile any spiritual discord.
He is not my Lord, He is just my understanding of God. I cannot prove his existence nor tell you exactly what his plan is or how He works any more than you can deny his existence with any certainty. That is why it is called faith.
He instilled within us free will and either cannot or will not impose upon that. Didn't you see Bruce Almighty, friend?
I'm not here to debate, but merely to share my experience which may or may not be useful to you or other readers.
God bless you and INXS,
Rev. Horton Heat

Moist Rub said...

I don't have any anxiety nor discord, so I don't know what you are talking about. But, thanks for taking me to church.

Rev. Horton Heat said...

Anxiety and discord, perhaps not. However, I've read from various gay-bar restroom walls, that there's a mighty humongous pimply rash on your left testicle.

mack the fork said...

Wow, I think I've just seen the light.

Rev. Horton Heat said...

Please note that there is an obvious imposter on this board trying to slander my name. I am not responsible for the previous crude and immature post and ask that it be removed.
To avoid any futher confusion, please be advised that I am leaving your board and any further remarks are not mine and not representative of one that is filled with the spirit of our Lord.
God Bless You All.

Moist Rub said...

No way. We're leaving that comment on. I am very proud of my humungous pimply rash. FYI - it has spread to my right nut and to my perineum. Those gay bathrooms haven't been updated in a while.

Dink Spooge said...

^that man obviously enjoys being filled.

Comic's Trip said...

GREAT fuggin' blog. Very entertaining, came across it looking for... uh... just happened upon it, heh heh.

Rock on.