Rock Star - Hollywood Update - Sid

If you’re looking for the mansion show update, Sid F’er and Moist Rub were attending the taping of the performance show (Sunday) and missed the VH1 show. In keeping with the spirit of the competition, I won’t include any spoilers. If you want those, use your internetting savvy to find them. However, if you wish to share in a virtual Hollywood experience and hear what I learned in So Cal, keep reading.

Sid F’er arrived Friday night and was treated to a fine dinner of fresh grilled burgers and brats courtesy of Mrs. LA Ray. The tomato slices were a little thick, but I still maintain you can’t find a better burger in Yorba Linda. Next stop was a bar called Group Therapy for their infamous Friday night Rock Star karaoke. First I learned you can’t smoke in bars in California. For non-smokers like Sid, that means instead of a slow death from secondhand smoke, it’s been replaced by a quick bout of emphysema contracted from walking through throngs of smokers gathered at the front and rear doors of your favorite establishments. I rocked the locals with a rendition of Should I Stay or Should Go that put Deanna to shame. After earning this week’s encore at the bar, in a surprising twist I was not allowed to pick my next song and bar patrons assigned I Think I Love You to challenge me. Like Marty, the film crews captured my struggle with the bubble gum hit as I tried to summon the spirit of David Cassidy. Instead I got blindsided by a patchwork bus driven by a bitter Danny Bonaduce and bombed like Dana on Episode I (Rock Star, not Star Wars). You know it’s bad when the DJ tells you, “Don’t worry, it’s a tough one to sing.” No, it’s not, it’s the fucking Partridge Family, not frickin’ Mariah Carey. Apparently I was no longer right for their bar, Group Therapy. LA Ray tried to raise my spirits by taking me for a placenta burrito at Rigoberto’s. Or maybe it was a carne asada burrito at Rigaberto’s in Placentia. Next lesson, if you don’t know how to speak Spanish then don’t try to order in Spanish because then they think you know Spanish and start asking you follow up questions in Spanish and before you know it you’ve insulted their mother and asked them if you can blow their dog and get a side order of kitty litter. It did all get sorted out and the burrito was pretty damn good.

Moist Rub and Stiv joined the fray on Saturday. Whether you like it or not, you already know Moist Rub and you probably recognize Stiv as lead singer of Leprosy, who obviously had a big influence on Stiv’s younger brother Marty. We’re trying to obtain some reissues of Leprosy’s material from the 80’s to share with our readers, but it’s probably best if we don’t. We hit Barney’s Beanery for lunch, because there’s nothing smarter than large bowls of chili for three guys sharing a hotel room. Due to last minute planning and a limited budget at LeperPop Publishing, we were unable to obtain a hotel room in West Hollywood and ended up near Hollywood and Highland. Which is really cool if you’re into massive traffic jams and a sea of people wandering aimlessly around Hollywood Boulevard with cameras trying to convince themselves it wasn’t a waste of vacation time. We managed to escape the tourist zone and got ourselves to a vintage clothing store where Stiv and I purchased some “fun rock n’ roll attire” as requested by the CBS Rock Star production staff for the princely sum of $3. With all our extra wardrobe money, the only solution seemed to be a visit to the Powerhouse Bar. Next lesson is that the anti-smoking ordinance eliminates the effectiveness of cigarette smoke in covering up the puke smell at dive bars. We were unable to ascertain whether the gentle rocking of the girl in the corner was indicative of a heroin or meth addiction and we were afraid to ask, and thus, unable to help.

After battling the throes of addiction, like all good rockers we went down to Sunset Blvd on Saturday night and fell into the Rainbow Bar & Grill, which just happened to be a great spot for people watching. There we met Daphna, who was on her way to the Roxy next door to see Wil perform. We politely declined her invite, mostly because I was afraid of falling prey to Wil’s seductive gaze. I don’t think she reads the blog so I didn’t have to apologize for saying she looked like Elmer Fudd on stage. Rumor has it that Sebastian Bach was at the Rainbow that night, along with about 241 other guys that looked like him. There was also a guy trying to pick up women by trying to look like Johnny Depp and failing, an amazon trying to look like Brigitte Nielsen and unfortunately not failing, a torn up version of Chrissy Hynde, a guy trying to fit in by dressing up like early 90’s Tommy Lee, a dude that looked like the old guy from Chico and the Man, and a guy dressed up like Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes. Also a couple girls with low risers and thongs that should not have been wearing neither low risers nor thongs. Major kudos to Amber, the Rainbow’s finest waitress, for keeping the beers flowing and for certifying me as the Rainbow Bar & Grill’s #1 Milkshake Champion. Nothing is more rock n’ roll than the milkshake.

Sunday was a quick brunch at the Yukon Mining Company before heading off to the taping. The CBS goons prevent us from divulging any further details, especially due to the high profile that LeperPop holds; however, I’ll share my impressions of the live performances versus Tuesday’s show after it airs. I know you cannot wait.

Sunday night we ventured back to Sunset to hear some live music and were recruited by the doorman at the Whiskey A Go-Go. I’d like to think it was our rock star good looks that got us in for free, but I think it was the lack of drinking customers at what appeared to be an all-ages show. We saw the last few songs by a band called 10 Minutes Down. They’re only influence appeared to be the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, which five years ago still would have been only marginally cool but now seems pretty pathetic. It pretty much looked like a bunch of band geeks doing Tae-Bo at band camp. Since they soon promised the end of their set, we stuck around for the next act and were treated to the spare speed metal offerings of Solestice. We endured that for 1.25 songs before retreating to the friendly confines of the Saddle Ranch to finish out the evening. Gary from Toronto seemed to think that I wanted to hear his story while sitting at the bar, so I had to pretend that I was really more interested in the replay of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and whoever Tampa Bay was playing game. It worked and Gary from Toronto found somebody else to share his story with. Maybe it was interesting, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance.

Now Monday I sit in LAX. Moist Rub and Stiv should be well on their way home whilst I reflect longingly on our weekend. We tried to capture our junket on film, but I think all we ended up with were pictures of Moist Rub’s creamy chicken noodle soup and some homeless people (not in the same picture). However, we did meet a fellow guest of Marty with a cool camera and way better photojournalistic skills who is supposed to share her pics with us. So check back often. Remember, it’s because we love you.