Rock Star - Aug 10 Moist Rub

From biker whore to upscale soccer mom. Quite a transition. She’s flexible, alright. I don’t even know who she is anymore. I don't think she does, either. When she lost me, she lost her identity.

They gave us something to think about tonight, prior to the encore portion of the show. Instead of announcing the three lame ducks, they gave us the five contestants who spent any time in the bottom three during the voting. They were Deanna, Jessica, Brandon, Suzie and JD. Suzie? I even voted for her a few times for fun. What’s the matter with these people on Earth? I thought she did well yesterday. I’m glad I don’t think like these dregs. It makes me feel better about myself. If Suzie
has to sacrifice herself for my peace of mind, by golly, that’s a price I’m willing to pay.

Tim Farris commended both Ty and Marty on their performances the day after two days ago. He let Marty know that switching his song to a solo acoustic presentation was a good thing. His exact words were, "clever buddy". I don’t know about Marty, but I don’t think I could be in a band with a guy who talked to me like that. "Hey Marty, when you climbed into the rafters of Madison Square Garden and sang upside down from the ceiling, that really got the crowd going. That was clever, buddy." Who are you, my uncle’s insurance agent? Evidently Ty "totally redeemed" himself with No Woman No Cry. He must have killed somebody, because I don’t’ think any of his performances have been bad enough to require a total redemption. They made it sound like he was hanging on by the points of his mohawk (which has been handsomely groomed the past two evenings). He was awarded the encore. I didn’t feel it like I felt it last night. Did you feel it like you felt it last night? Kinda like that new love feeling. Which isn’t love at all, just infatuation and lust, and it feels wonderful because it’s all new and exciting because you’re each completing your perception of the other with frog dna. But, then you each figure out you’re both as screwed up as much as everybody else in the world and decide not to put up with each other anymore. Ty must have read my last blog post where I averred disdain for his undulating finish to the song. I bet he was up all night listening to The Stroke to figure out how to end a song on a dime. Thanks for listening, Ty. I'm glad I could help.

Right before I was killed by the suspense, Brooke saved me by disclosing this week’s three chumps: Brandon, Jessica and Suzie. Suzie? Are other people watching the same show I’m watching?

Jessica went first. She sang Disappear. Was the INXS giving her a clue to her Rock Show future? Was this performance going to make her disappear? I thought it would. Besides her voice bordering on the squeak at times, she did an OK job with it. However, she stayed comfortably within her own range, which was not necessarily the range the song demanded, which I assume is what the INXS was talking about when they spanked her for her inadequate pitching. That’s a nice image. Let me think about some more....

...OK, I’m back.

Brandon followed Jessica with his kaoroke-ish rendition of It’s the End of the World As We Know It. No, wait, it was Don’t Lose Your Head. I’ve never heard this song before. Neither had Brandon. He was shouting each line until he could draw out the last syllable. Does the song actually go like that? I hope not. After he forgot the words, it looked like he gave up. And, so did I.

Suzie finished us off with Bitter Tears. Typical Suzie, she began the song like she had a potato chip in her crack, until she hit the chorus, when the real Suzie took over. Dave should tell her to sing the first verse offstage beforehand, so that she’s already kicked into gear by the time the song starts. That’s what Dave should tell her. In fairness to JD, I didn’t like when Suzie did the bounce thing. I guess I’m an old foody doody. The bounce thing is a crutch for when you don’t know what else to do on stage. Robert Plant never did the bounce thing. As for Suzie, maybe I’m the weirdo, but I like her voice and the way she presents the songs. This world is full of weirdos different from me. Weirdos. We’re all weirdos from somebody’s perspective. Remember that to the grave.

Odin bless him, but I think Tim is worse at setting up the suspense than Brooke is. Don’t they drink before the show starts? Isn’t that a rule in the Rock ‘n Roll Handbook? Does the union know about this? There is more to creating tension than sighing and talking slowly. You have to modulate the volume and tone of your voice, turn your head from side to side and smirk once in a while, too. And maybe rub your face wantonly. Suzie got released first after the INXS told her she didn’t belong in the bottom three in the first place. She gave the other two an obligatory hug and scuttled back to the Rockers sanctuary before they could tell her they made a mistake. That left Jessica and Brandon, who held each other close, as if they were in a small closet with live snake wallpaper. Brandon, being the dweller in oblivion as Sid tells us, adopted the air of protector of poor little Jessica. He looked prepared to give her the support she would need when, undoubtedly, they kicked her to the sewer. BUT, there is something he did not consider. Jessica is a resilient performer. Tim said so, so it has to be true. He’s never lied to me before, that’s for sure. She does sing INXS songs better than the various cover tunes with which they are required to audition. When she finally does get the boot, she may want to consider adding INXS to her band’s name: INXS Cover Gurl. But, that won’t happen until at least next week, because, to only his own surprise, Brandon was given the opportunity to go back to what he was doing in June. As usual, he took the bad news well. For his sake, I hope it was genuine and that he does have a knack for rolling with the punches in life. For some reason, I think he may be covering up for a quivering, little, insecure, eyelash plucked kid (who isn't, except maybe Garry Beers). Maybe not. I have a Psychology degree, but I didn’t go to class very often. I probably missed the day we went over Brandon Affective Disorder (which was the original name of B.A.D, Big Audio Dynamite, but Brandon wouldn’t sign the release). I will miss Brandon being on the show. I hope Liz Taylor lets him keep the sunglasses.

An elimination show is not an elimination show without the cameramen zooming in on Suzie’s leaky face. And, they kept doing it. TORMENTORS!