Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 9 - Sid

Show opened with Brooke looking good - I wonder if Moist Rub is having any regrets over the break up. At first I thought it was a beer can skirt of some sort, but I was wrong. However, that gave me the idea of a beer can skirt. If I work fast I might have it done in time to wear to the taping next week. (Sid and Moist Rub will be reporting live from the Mayan Theater next week.) I kind of picture it like those knit beer can hats that made a brief appearance in the 70's, except in skirt form. But I already digress. So off we go....

Suzie - Losing My Religion - I didn't really hear too much because I was distracted by her new wave 80's hairdo. I wasn't too impressed (with neither the singing nor the hairdo), but the band seemed to dig it (the singing). I haven't had a Top 40 hit in a while, so I'll defer to them on this one.

MiG - All Right Now - As I predicted, not a lot he could do with this one but he did it well. Paul Rodgers is probably one of the most underrated rock singers of his time, and MiG measured up well. Just put down the mic stand before you knock someone out and end up sharing a cell with Courtney Love. Dave wanted MiG to make him weep with a ballad next week, but my wife threatened to make him weep with a right hook.

JD - Crazy - He did better than I expected, but low key performances just don't work for him. It's like asking a moth to help you with a jigsaw puzzle. It might help out with some corner pieces for a bit, but before long it's just off bouncing against the light bulb. The band looked bored and I just don't think he's right for their band... INXS.

Jessica - Come As You Are - Do I really need to comment on this one? Could be one of the worst performances since Heather tried to cover Sheryl Crow. Even overenthusiastic MiG and Brandon looked like they were at a funeral while watching this one. But she did have a nice shirt and I still dig the glasses she wears around the house, so maybe they can find an excuse to keep her around. Like that hot temp at work that you really don't have any work for.

Jordis - Layla - Somebody referred to her as Saint Jordis in the comments of a recent post. I like that. She looked the role tonight, but seemed a little flat. It's a guy song to sing. A guy who's too stoned to handle any pitch changes. So we'll blame the song this week and let Saint Jordis off the hook. Besides, it was her birthday and she was probably a little tired from all the monkey sex during her boyfriend's visit to the mansion. And the Emmy for reality show editing goes to Rock Star for cutting to Jessica as the band told Jordis it would probably be a while before she has to perform an INXS song. Doh!

Brandon - It's All Over Now - This was not as good as it should have been. I might pay $5 cover to see him in a bar on a weeknight when it's not too crowded and I don't have stand in a flooded bathroom to take a leak or stand three deep at the bar for 20 minutes to get a $5 beer. The band was trying to explain to him why he wasn't going to win, but he still thinks the show is called Rock Star: Brandon and didn't hear a word of it.

Marty - Mr. Brightside - A gutsy self-accompanied acoustic performance. I thought it started out a little rough, but I got on board pretty quickly. Kind of like prison sex. Why do they always tell you not to drop the soap in the prison shower? Is there always a guy standing right there with a raging hard-on ready to pop you the second you bend over to pick it up? But I wildly digress. He's made almost every song better than the original. The crowd went apeshit, JD had his "oh, fuck" look again, Jessica swooned, even Gary Beers swooned. There were parts of the song where I thought he sounded like Billy Corgan. I have a good Billy Corgan story, but I've digressed enough on Marty's time so I'll save it for another post.

Deanna - Long Train Running - Did she get hair extensions? I might have to get some to go with my beer can skirt. Regardless, I liked the shirt, thought she had some moves, and rocked out. But I just don't like her voice with these songs. I like pizza. I like sushi. But I ain't going to walk into the Home Run Inn and order some unagi. However, I might go see her with a blues band, even on a weekend where I have stand in a puddle of piss to take a leak. I'm getting a little tired of the "c'mon" from her as well. Ya'know, it's like, ya'know, a crutch, like, ya'know, professional athletes use all the time, ya'know, during interviews.

Ty - No Woman, No Cry - What's the deal - did he get into a clipper fight with JD this week? It was a beautiful vocal, but if I want to hear beautiful vocals I'll dust off my Johnny Mathis albums. Quick - Johnny Mathis - dead or alive? If you said alive, you're right. He turns 70 next month, so everybody come on over and we'll fire up some Jiffy Pop and get crazy. It's as much fun to make as it is to eat, ya' know. Ty is the anti-Marty. He must be banished.

So there we go. And in a new feature, Brooke informed us that the bottom three in the first two minutes of voting were: Jessica, Brandon, & Deanna. But there's plenty of time left to vote for your favorite! Or not.

I'll go out on a limb here and say there's no change: Jessica, Brandon, & Deanna in the bottom three.

Even though Jessica tanked bad, I'm going to overthink this and say she's safe. Two reasons - we go down to eight this week and four boy and four girls will maintain a nice balance. Second, like Tara the week before, INXS made it obvious that Brandon is not right for them. Obvious to everyone but the oblivious Brandon who will be shocked that he's in the bottom three. Jessica will do just good enough and flash enough belly to stick around, and the band likes Deanna's voice enough to let her shake her stuff another week even though she's not going to be boarding the tour bus as their lead singer anytime soon. Oh, and Suzie will cry.


Moist Rub said...

You're crackin' me up, Sam.

mack the fork said...

No f'in way Jessica is staying another week. I don't think she could have been any clearer that she really doesn't want to be there anymore. If for some reason OB INXS decides to get sadistic and keep her around for their own amusement, I have a feeling that for her next performance, she might just walk out and say, "Look, just SEND ... ME ... the F*CK... HOME", then do armpit farts through the rest of the song.

L A Ray said...

Two more fine pieces of writing. Hollywood waits this weekends visit of our favorite bloggers!

Sid F'er said...

Sadism and armpit farts... sounds like perfect reality television to me, buddy. You need to think like Mark Burnett instead of a rational human being to be successful. After all, we're all just HUMAN BEINGS, aren't we? Hold my hand.

Long live Jessica!

Anonymous said...

So...let's hear the Billy Corgan story while we wait for tonight's show.

Sid F'er said...

Ah, I knew that would happen with the Billy Corgan reference. Like in Pulp Fiction when Vincent wants Mia to tell her the goddam Fox Force Five joke - "Well now I'm definitely not gonna tell ya, 'cause it's been built up too much."
Truth be told, I don't know what the Billy Corgan story is. He lived in my neigborhood as a kid and I played baseball with him a couple times, but we weren't friends or anything. However, my sister got to be pretty good friends with him in high school while they were on the newspaper staff together. Then she joined a church and he joined a band and I'm not sure what happened after that. But I hopefully would have worked those snippets into an interesting anecdote somewhere along the way.
Catch up.

whiskey a go go said...

Once again we'll let Jordis slide.

Anonymous said...

Jordis is awesome, I agree...but she fucked the lyrics up last week (Man Who Sold The World) and this week (Layla).

Honestly, what the hell?

He who forgets the words to Clapton shall be punished!!

Ah, fuck that, she's still the bomb!

Sid F'er said...

Yes, we will all let Jordis slide. Dropping a line or fumbling with the mic is OK for now since the vocals cannot be ignored. Especially while we're still working our way through the Jessicas, Taras, and Brandons of the world. Agree that those little slip ups won't be as forgivable as we move deeper in the competition.

Until then, don't be hatin' on our favorite Tongan.