Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Rock Star - Aug 3 Moist Rub

You’ve probably all heard the rumors that Brooke has filed for divorce. They’re true. And, yes, she’s doing so to try to win me back. But it ain’t gonna work. Those wounds run pretty deep. Pretty deep, indeed. If she thinks a simple gesture of faith like committing divorce is going change my mind, she’s got a few bolts loose. I’m gonna need to see some cash before I even think about taking her back.

Jordis was awarded the encore, although she didn’t look like she wanted to do it. The encore thing is getting old. Instead, maybe INXS should do a song to open the show. Oh, that’s right, they have no singer. They should bring in guest singers, like Donny Osmond and Joey Heatherton. That may boost the ratings, which are not doing well, since they’re moving the Mansion show to Sunday nights on VH1. I don’t have cable, so I’ll have to watch it through my neighbor's window wearing my trenchcoat. Jordis sang The Man Who Sold the World better tonight than she did yesterday. I can’t wait until her album comes out. I hope those record company asswipes don’t screw her up.

I noticed when they spanned the Rockers box, Jessica forgot to wear a shirt. She probably figured she’d be in the eliminatee three and planned to do a strip tease to save her Rock Star life. I’m tired of seeing her belly. She needs to mix it up a little. Familiarity breeds contempt, right? Right? Right? I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it’s right. There’s more to being sexy than just showing skin. She should rub something, too. Preferably, something on me.

The next time Brooke asks the Rockers to raise their hands if they think they deserve to be on the Wednesday guillotine, Garry Beers should take his rifle and shoot everybody with their hand up. Bunch of goo filled sandwiches, they are. This week’s goo hand raisers were Jessica, Ty and Deanna (those are the only ones I saw). Only Ty made the bottom three.

Speaking of the fan lacking five, um, three, the abhorred ones this week were Ty (see above, just right above, right there at the end of the last paragraph), Tara and Brandon. Let’s see how they did, shall we?


Brandon kicked it off with his version of Devil Inside. It’s one of my favorite INXS songs to hear in a bar. I don’t know why, it just sounds better there. Now that I think of it, most songs sound better at a bar. Maybe I’m a drunk. But, this isn’t about me - it’s about Brandon. He dapper-danned himself up for this performance. He is such a good boy. Overall, he did a nice job with it. It made want to hear what he could do with other INXS songs. I know the band complained about his pitch being skewed, but this song doesn’t have a lot of pitch variety, compared to others, and I thought he held his own. He could do better if he decides to listen to the vocal coach. Evidently, he doesn’t feel the need to work at his craft. That will be his bane. Either that or he’ll get beaten to death by a gay, southern biker who is sweet on him. As far as banes go, that’s not a good one to have. I’m hoping my bane is falling off something really tall, like a giant blade of grass growing out of a crack in the Grand Canyon. Back to Brandon - he balanced his interaction with the crowd and the band well. But, I don’t like his persistent bending over to the crowd. He should buy a shorter stage to stand on, or dig some trenches in the stage, so he’ll only have to peer down with his head and leave the bending over for when his gay biker lover comes over. There, now I’ve gone and made him a homo. I didn’t mean to do that, but that’s where this stream ends. Too bad, Brandon - I apologize.

Tara was next singing Beautiful Girl. Her body language told me she was a mom singing to her child, but her voice didn’t. The band agreed. She lacked the emotion that song needs to convey its message. It was especially evident in the repeated phrase, "Stay with me". Not if you’re going to sing to me like that. I could hear the director whispering, "psst, psst, emote, EMOTE!" The tenderness was lacking. She told us she loved the song, prior to singing it. I guess she thought that was enough to set the mood. Actions define you more than your words, baby. Which reminds me - Brandon, quit calling us "baby". To her credit, her performance wasn’t horrible. "Hi Honey, how did you do on your brain surgery today?" "Well, they said it wasn’t horrible." "That’s wonderful, Honey!" Tara spoke French at the end of her performance. I don’t speak French, but I think she was asking where the bathroom was.

Ty finished us off with Kick. I forgot about how cool that song is. Ty began the song by throwing some Ben Vereen at us again. Not the Chicken George Ben Vereen, more like the Muppet Show Ben Vereen. I always liked the Muppet Show. It was good seeing those Muppets, outside the skid row of Sesame Street, where they could stretch their wings and soar. My favorite Muppets were the Swedish Chef and the Professor and Beaker. Geniuses. I can’t believe they never landed their own sit com. I wonder if they get to hang with Dave Navarro. Ty looked like Brian Johnson from AC/DC after 4 days straight in a tanning bed. How dare you cover up that signature mohawk. At first, I didn’t recognize him. "Where’s that guy with the mohawk?" my dogs heard be say. They just looked at me to see if I had any food. Ty rocked out pretty well, but he just doesn’t get it to the proper edge. I couldn’t help contrast his voice in this song with the way Michael Hutchence did it. That’s not fair to Ty, but I couldn’t help it. Same goes for Brandon’s version of Devil Inside. Actually, I was interested to hear Brandon do Kick, as well. He might have been able to find that edge the Ty couldn’t achieve. I didn’t enjoy Ty’s extended oohing and ahhing at the end of the song. It didn’t need it. The stage dive was cool. If you listened closely, you could hear the eldest member of INXS, whichever one that is, say, "Those crazy kids," in jovial approval of Ty’s dive.

The band took Ty’s lead and sent him with the crowd surf motif back to the Rocker sty. Nice touch, INXS. I think he deserved to stick around after tonight’s effort. That left Brandon and Tara. Brandon looked scared. Tara looked relieved. She knew it was over. And she was right. I think the band was correct in their decision. I’m sure they had decided before tonight’s show. Once the hammer came down, they cued the flood gates, and the director knew to zoom in on Suzie’s face. Bawlin’ Suzie, that’s her new house name. She needs to take my advice, for the betterment of society, and purchase a large handkerchief to shroud her dripping face. That is NOT a good look. I’m tellin’ ya. After Suzie gets eliminated from the show, David Letterman is going to hire her for their new "Crybaby Cam" segment. Her career will then follow the path blazed by none other than Chris Elliot. In her defense, others were crying, too. Those artists are just so emotional. Too bad Tara wasn’t emotional enough when she needed to be. She made a heart-felt speech and then got groped by the band. It was beautiful. I assume Tara will go back to Toronto to drive a beer truck. That’s what I would do.

I’m eating a twinkie right now in homage to Andrew Farris.


9 comments:

mack the fork said...

I can't believe Ty made the bottom three solely based on his Foo performance. His general stock price must just be tanking. No single performance sucked leaky peebags more than JD's WATC, and he slid on by. Granted there were a plethora of train wrecks to choose from that week.

I think Ty is getting shorter each week, too. If he makes it to the end of the competition, he'll be able to party with Kid Rock in that commercial for whatever.

Sid F'er said...

How much do you think the Dave/INXS comments influence the audience/voters?

You think there are douchebags out there that think, "Hey, Ty Rocks!", then INXS says, "Hey, Ty, you really don't rock," and then the douchbag thinks, "Boy, I should listen to INXS because they know better than I, a douchebag."?

However, you bring up a good topic - best and worst performances to date. Perhaps that would make a good weekend thread....

Moist Rub said...

Then again, maybe the voting doesn't even count and the band and/or producers decide who gets in the bottom three, taking into account how the voting went, and basing it on drama effect and who INXS wants to get rid of. They don't post the results. Even if they did, they could fabricate them.

I don't trust anybody out there.

Sid F'er said...

I've thought about the voting not really counting, too, but seems counter-productive. Let the audience keep the people they like around. If the band wants Jess to win, she can be spared from the bottom three every week if the band says so under the current format. No harm done.

Moist Rub said...

NO! They're playing us all for fools! Those votes are going right into a dumpster.

They're all out to get me. Not gonna get me, gonna get me. Not gonna get me, gonna get me. Not gonna get me, gonna get me. I'm melting...

whiskey a go go said...

So do I hear you right....INXS hands out the Kool-Aide and people drink it? This week's drink was Ty sucks?

Sid F'er said...

Not saying INXS is passing out Kool-Aid, just wondering if anyone thinks that their comments have an effect on the viewers that vote.
I was happy to see him in the bottom three, but wondered if the band's comments might have helped that happen.

Note to Moist Rub: Time to refill your meds.

Moist Rub said...

It's even worse than a dumpster. Those votes are going into the hands of some obnoxious, boisterous marketing team.

Sid F'er said...

Now you got me scared. There's nothing worse than a marketing team. We might have to shut down the blog and move operations to an undisclosed location in Montana. Damn, I think I just disclosed the location. These marketing guys are good.
I'm already getting text message spam trying to sell me Rock Star mouse pads and Marty Oven Mitts....