Rock Star - Aug 3 Moist Rub

You’ve probably all heard the rumors that Brooke has filed for divorce. They’re true. And, yes, she’s doing so to try to win me back. But it ain’t gonna work. Those wounds run pretty deep. Pretty deep, indeed. If she thinks a simple gesture of faith like committing divorce is going change my mind, she’s got a few bolts loose. I’m gonna need to see some cash before I even think about taking her back.

Jordis was awarded the encore, although she didn’t look like she wanted to do it. The encore thing is getting old. Instead, maybe INXS should do a song to open the show. Oh, that’s right, they have no singer. They should bring in guest singers, like Donny Osmond and Joey Heatherton. That may boost the ratings, which are not doing well, since they’re moving the Mansion show to Sunday nights on VH1. I don’t have cable, so I’ll have to watch it through my neighbor's window wearing my trenchcoat. Jordis sang The Man Who Sold the World better tonight than she did yesterday. I can’t wait until her album comes out. I hope those record company asswipes don’t screw her up.

I noticed when they spanned the Rockers box, Jessica forgot to wear a shirt. She probably figured she’d be in the eliminatee three and planned to do a strip tease to save her Rock Star life. I’m tired of seeing her belly. She needs to mix it up a little. Familiarity breeds contempt, right? Right? Right? I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it’s right. There’s more to being sexy than just showing skin. She should rub something, too. Preferably, something on me.

The next time Brooke asks the Rockers to raise their hands if they think they deserve to be on the Wednesday guillotine, Garry Beers should take his rifle and shoot everybody with their hand up. Bunch of goo filled sandwiches, they are. This week’s goo hand raisers were Jessica, Ty and Deanna (those are the only ones I saw). Only Ty made the bottom three.

Speaking of the fan lacking five, um, three, the abhorred ones this week were Ty (see above, just right above, right there at the end of the last paragraph), Tara and Brandon. Let’s see how they did, shall we?

Brandon kicked it off with his version of Devil Inside. It’s one of my favorite INXS songs to hear in a bar. I don’t know why, it just sounds better there. Now that I think of it, most songs sound better at a bar. Maybe I’m a drunk. But, this isn’t about me - it’s about Brandon. He dapper-danned himself up for this performance. He is such a good boy. Overall, he did a nice job with it. It made want to hear what he could do with other INXS songs. I know the band complained about his pitch being skewed, but this song doesn’t have a lot of pitch variety, compared to others, and I thought he held his own. He could do better if he decides to listen to the vocal coach. Evidently, he doesn’t feel the need to work at his craft. That will be his bane. Either that or he’ll get beaten to death by a gay, southern biker who is sweet on him. As far as banes go, that’s not a good one to have. I’m hoping my bane is falling off something really tall, like a giant blade of grass growing out of a crack in the Grand Canyon. Back to Brandon - he balanced his interaction with the crowd and the band well. But, I don’t like his persistent bending over to the crowd. He should buy a shorter stage to stand on, or dig some trenches in the stage, so he’ll only have to peer down with his head and leave the bending over for when his gay biker lover comes over. There, now I’ve gone and made him a homo. I didn’t mean to do that, but that’s where this stream ends. Too bad, Brandon - I apologize.

Tara was next singing Beautiful Girl. Her body language told me she was a mom singing to her child, but her voice didn’t. The band agreed. She lacked the emotion that song needs to convey its message. It was especially evident in the repeated phrase, "Stay with me". Not if you’re going to sing to me like that. I could hear the director whispering, "psst, psst, emote, EMOTE!" The tenderness was lacking. She told us she loved the song, prior to singing it. I guess she thought that was enough to set the mood. Actions define you more than your words, baby. Which reminds me - Brandon, quit calling us "baby". To her credit, her performance wasn’t horrible. "Hi Honey, how did you do on your brain surgery today?" "Well, they said it wasn’t horrible." "That’s wonderful, Honey!" Tara spoke French at the end of her performance. I don’t speak French, but I think she was asking where the bathroom was.

Ty finished us off with Kick. I forgot about how cool that song is. Ty began the song by throwing some Ben Vereen at us again. Not the Chicken George Ben Vereen, more like the Muppet Show Ben Vereen. I always liked the Muppet Show. It was good seeing those Muppets, outside the skid row of Sesame Street, where they could stretch their wings and soar. My favorite Muppets were the Swedish Chef and the Professor and Beaker. Geniuses. I can’t believe they never landed their own sit com. I wonder if they get to hang with Dave Navarro. Ty looked like Brian Johnson from AC/DC after 4 days straight in a tanning bed. How dare you cover up that signature mohawk. At first, I didn’t recognize him. "Where’s that guy with the mohawk?" my dogs heard be say. They just looked at me to see if I had any food. Ty rocked out pretty well, but he just doesn’t get it to the proper edge. I couldn’t help contrast his voice in this song with the way Michael Hutchence did it. That’s not fair to Ty, but I couldn’t help it. Same goes for Brandon’s version of Devil Inside. Actually, I was interested to hear Brandon do Kick, as well. He might have been able to find that edge the Ty couldn’t achieve. I didn’t enjoy Ty’s extended oohing and ahhing at the end of the song. It didn’t need it. The stage dive was cool. If you listened closely, you could hear the eldest member of INXS, whichever one that is, say, "Those crazy kids," in jovial approval of Ty’s dive.

The band took Ty’s lead and sent him with the crowd surf motif back to the Rocker sty. Nice touch, INXS. I think he deserved to stick around after tonight’s effort. That left Brandon and Tara. Brandon looked scared. Tara looked relieved. She knew it was over. And she was right. I think the band was correct in their decision. I’m sure they had decided before tonight’s show. Once the hammer came down, they cued the flood gates, and the director knew to zoom in on Suzie’s face. Bawlin’ Suzie, that’s her new house name. She needs to take my advice, for the betterment of society, and purchase a large handkerchief to shroud her dripping face. That is NOT a good look. I’m tellin’ ya. After Suzie gets eliminated from the show, David Letterman is going to hire her for their new "Crybaby Cam" segment. Her career will then follow the path blazed by none other than Chris Elliot. In her defense, others were crying, too. Those artists are just so emotional. Too bad Tara wasn’t emotional enough when she needed to be. She made a heart-felt speech and then got groped by the band. It was beautiful. I assume Tara will go back to Toronto to drive a beer truck. That’s what I would do.

I’m eating a twinkie right now in homage to Andrew Farris.