The Apprentice - October 13, 2005: A Review

I viewed only a portion of this episode of The Apprentice, as I was busy being distracted with not watching The Apprentice. I tuned in about twenty-five minutes into the show and watched the rest of it intermittently between doing laundry, cleaning out the gutters, writing my congressperson a letter about my neighbors’ trees spewing organic debris clogging up my gutters, mowing the carpet (don’t ask) and building a mechanical bite size nugget. I’m telling you, positive procrastination is the uncle of necessity. As it turns out, what I did witness of the show was plenty.

The contestants were split into two teams. Coincidentally, all of the men were on one team and all of the women were on the other team. I thought segregation was an outmoded practice in our society. Who am I to question Trump? I wonder if they were each bussed in from varying apprentice districts. Their challenge was to create a mascot and marketing strategy for Dairy Queen. I didn’t know Dairy Queen still existed. Apparently they are in the need for some strong new and exciting marketing. Being desperate, they turned to reality television to save them. If I were them, I would have waited to see what happens with the INXS’s career before making that decision. I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but the consensus in these parts is to attend the new tour to see the Lovehammers and then head back to the bar before the JDINXS hits the stage. But it may work out for them. Who knows, maybe reality television will become the newest trend in business consultation.

My induction into The Apprentice experience began with the passively hostile women’s team mitosising itself into two work groups, although I’m not sure what the purpose of each group was. From their behavior, I assume their purpose was to berate the women in the other group behind their backs. The men were portrayed in a more communal and amiable light. In defense of the women, I don’t know if I merely missed dissension among the men, due to my gutter cleaning, or if it was withheld by the editors of the show, or if there was none to be shown. I’m sure the women are all kind, generous people looking to climb up the knives in other people’s backs to the top. That’s how I got to where I am today. Actually, as I type this, I’m not sure who’s house this is, but they sure do keep their refrigerator stocked, and they own unusually comfortable underwear. But the point is I got here by back-knife climbing. I don’t know how I’m going to get back down.

The women’s team created an ice cream malformation of Inspector Gadget afflicted with Grave’s Eye Disease wielding a giant rubber spoon. This thing, named Zip, was their proposed mascot. Their presentation suggested that this milky mutant would appeal to children and teenagers alike. And by "appeal" I can only imagine they meant "scare the shit out of". The DQ marketing geniuses seemed to be a little freaked out by it themselves. As we'll learn later, it would have behooved the ladies to incorporate a giant set of hooters on Zip to help make the DQ guys stand at attention. The DQ guys didn’t buy the spiel, especially since there was no mention of the Dairy Queen brand in the character (and no boobies). One of the team members suggested that the signature ice cream swirl (barely identifiable as the body of Zip) and the behemoth rubber spoon were clear expressions of the Dairy Queen charm. Maybe if she would have described it the way I just did, she may have had a better chance of the DQ suits falling for it. But she didn’t and they didn’t.

Surprisingly, the men chose to recreate Barbara Eden as a snow genie who dispenses soft serve ice cream from her nipples. Even more surprisingly, the DQ rakes took to the idea like...uh...er...well...like a man takes to ice cream dispensing nipples! One of the team members was dressed in the coquettish costume portraying "Ginny the Genie", whose soft serve hair, shapely silhouette, plunging neckline and man hands sent ripples of hubbub through their assessors. As soon as the mascot manifestation strutted into the room, the DQ guys transformed into Pavlov’s dogs and doused the conference table with drool. The men’s team of innovators held fast to their underlying premise: everybody, especially ice cream eaters, loves cleavage. Whether that is true or not did not matter as truth plays a very small, if non-existent, role in marketing. The DQ dogs agreed, stating that the mascot gave them boners, which was all they were pretty much after, since in addition to cleavage, they felt everyone, especially ice cream eaters, loves boners. They didn’t even seem to mind that the mascot was a man dressed in fantasy drag. Speaking of which, the guy in the costume, let’s call him Genie, since I forgot his real name, refused to have his package duct taped down so as not to protrude the groinal region of the get up. Genie, sir, if I can offer some advice, don’t knock it until you’ve try it. But that’s a tale for another article. Even the bulge in the costume didn’t subdue the DQ henchmen. It helped them notice the "DQ" belt buckle on Genie’s costume, which would be easily noticed as dirty old men switched their gazes back and forth between Genie’s snow hills and her glacier crevasse. And then they’ll buy ice cream!

Amazingly, Zip the wonder whatever it is didn’t make the cut. Consequently, the men’s team won, sending the women’s team to the boardroom of death. There, Trump allowed the women to cat fight at will. I’m not sure what all the bickering was about. It was evident that Toral, a tool and dye machinist, was able to get only one other girl, a cripple who had broken her ankle trying to climb up Trump’s ass in an earlier episode, not to want to scratch her eyes out. Trump picked up on this and ripped her a new orifice. This was the best part of the show, although I think it would grow old if I saw it happen more than six and a half times. As soon as Trump smelled the blood resulting from the cat fight, he pounced. He was relentless. At this point logic was futile. Toral tried to fire back, but she had no chance. If I were her, instead of arguing, I would have kept repeating "nice hair" at him until he started to cry or until I was removed by security. Toral left in a cab telling us that those Apprentice grapes were sour anyway. The rest of the women returned to their lair to sharpen their nails for next week’s episode. Trump stopped by and finished cleaning my gutters so that maybe I could watch the entire episode next week. I don’t think so, but at least my gutters are now clean.

Rock Star - Finale Moist Rub

Tonight’s finale was the most amazing finale I’ve ever seen. It was so amazing, the only word I can think of to describe it is "amazing". Nothing could ever be more amazing than tonight’s amazing finale. The amazing amazingness was amazingly amazing. The word amazing must have been used at least 30 times tonight. I lost count after 10, as I was wearing my socks. I wondered why everybody was using the word amazing so much. Then, we broke for commercial - an Amazing Race commercial. It all became clear to me. This series was created for the specific purpose of promoting the Amazing Race show. Having figured that out, I turned off the TV since it no longer mattered who won - it’s all been a farce, just like Better Off Dead.

Brooke welcomed us wearing an elegant black dress thing (I’m not much into fashion so I don't know what it's called) with her hair done up ala Charlie’s Angels. Not a good look (the hair, not the dress thing) for her, but I put up with it the best I could. Sometimes, at night, when I'm all alone, I know she misses me. She introduced the ex-Rockers in order of disappearance: Dana, Will, Neal, Heather, Daphna, Brandon, Tara, Jessica, Dom Deluise, Deanna, Ty, Jordis and Suzie. My face actually eked a smile when I saw Brandon. I guess I missed the big lug. The ex-Rockers sequestered themselves in the choir den.

After a recap of this summer’s exhibition of the life of a rock star, they set the scene by summarizing the remaining rockers. JD transformed from a string of controversy into a dynamic performer. Marty brought himself from chaos to become a master of intensity. MiG went from a stage performer to a rock star (but not quite, as we’ll learn later). Dave was excited as hell and everything was awesome for him. I think he was hopped up on the goop. He beat Brooke to the raising hand punch and asked the guys who thought he would win. They all raised their hands, but JD was slow on the draw. Dave asked JD why he didn’t do the "rock star thing" and drive his new Civic into the pool. He answered, because rock stars don’t drive Civics. Do you have a Civic, Dave? I don’t think so. Actually, JD’s wit surprised me when he said he needed a place to live if the INXS thing didn’t work out. Nicely done, Jebediah. Since he took care of that, there is no need for me to spoof the living-in-the-car drama. Dave asked Marty about his leaving the mansion experience. Marty equated it with his metamorphosis (Franz Kafka?) and he was ready to move on, since they changed the locks and he was now a giant insect. Then, Dave addressed MiG, "Oh, are you still here? There’s an open seat next to Suzie."

MiG commenced the sing-off with Bohemian Rhapsody. He began with a tender, mournful vocal that reminded me to call my mother (but not until the show was over, and the blog was written, and the dogs were let out. By then it would be too late to call her, so I’ll call her the next time I hear MiG sing. I'm going to miss my Mommy.). MiG has made his own transformation with tonight’s performance. The MiGster extricated Donny Osmond, and replaced him with JIMMY OSMOND! It is truly sad. Not MiG - me. It is sad that I can decipher the essence of Jimmy Osmond from Donny Osmond. As penance, I will refrain from listening to my Shaun Cassidy albums for a whole week. MiG tried his best to rock out. Flailing air guitar wheels while standing back to back with Rafael, prancing resolutely on stage, crooning with death at his heels - he was quite valiant, the poor little rockeroid. To make matters worse, his voice cut out every now and then. I don’t know if it was due to bad mic-manship or if there were technical difficulties with the mic, itself. The bottom line is he couldn’t out-Bohemian-Rhapsody Suzie, and he’s been doing this for a living, and she’s been sent home and then brought back again for the ex-Rocker march of shame, so what does that tell you? I’m sorry to say that at that point, the crayon was back in the box. As a final insult to MiG, Nate didn’t even bother to tune the gong. I was a little bummed they did not conduct the post performance ridicule. I wanted to hear the INXS tell MiG he goofed on his song choice.

JD began his rendition of You Can’t Always Get What You Want with a hypnotizing a capella chant. Eventually, he channeled the spirit of John Cougar Mellonhead to help him with the first verse until he could chunka-chunka his way through the chorus. JD seems a little heavy on his Charlie Chaplin feet. They may want to consider some ballet lessons for him. It worked for Willie Gault. He borrowed some snake arm moves from Marty and then disrespected his stool (which is something he should keep behind closed doors) on his way to a pretty good performance. I finally got the results back from the vocal lab on JD. The quality of his vocal (and, subsequently, the reduction of my irritation) is inversely proportional to the number of instances of that guttural texture he paints onto notes. He limited that tonight, and I would like him to know I appreciate that.

Marty was last to take the oral exam. His thesis was Wish You Were Here. He chose this song to show the INXS that his initial performance of this song was no fluke and this is who he has become. I originally hoped he’d sing Pretty Vegas, but I’m glad he didn’t. He’s too upstanding to stoop to such devilry. Plus, I’m pretty sure he thinks that song blows. Or maybe that’s me. I get us confused, sometimes. During Marty’s performance they showed Jordis smiling like a proud sister. And Garry Beers sunk into deep introspection until he realized he left the water running in his bathtub. Marty wished we were there similarly to the way he sang it the first time. It may have been a little less intense, but that could be due to our familiarity with him and this song. He finished it off with a statuesque pose and threw a few hammer pound outs to his buddies, the ex-Rockers.

Time to get rid of MiG. This is where most of the amazings spewed forth. Tim thanked the final three for their time, effort, talent and the ride they gave him to the show. He portended that each would have a career of amazing caliber. Tim didn’t let the boys dangle very long before he lopped off MiG. JD started making out with MiG until Marty was able to separate them with Nate’s gong. MiG surprised everybody by taking the bad news warmly and respectfully. There were SWAT team members posted back stage and in the audience in the event that MiG lost it and began pelting everyone with rotting sushi he’s been collecting in his pockets from each meal at the mansion. They were unneeded (the SWAT team and the rotting portions of sushi). MiG thanked everyone around the world and he loves everybody. Then he took his seat in the ex-Rocker den, with hugs abound.

Tim announced that the INXS would perform with the final two Rockers, Marty and JD. Hearing that, the House Band rushed out to see if they could get there waiter jobs back. We returned from commercial to see a laser light show with the wistful sounds of Don’t Change brewing in the dark. They wouldn’t let us see who was to sing first. I kept screaming at the TV, TURN ON THE LIGHTS, TURN ON THE LIGHTS, TURN ON THE LIGHTS! To shut me up, my neighbor rode his Harley into my family room and flashed his headlight on me. So, I shot him in the face. Finally, we were allowed to see Marty standing on stage with the INXS. I couldn’t hear the guitar very well, similar to their DVD, Live Baby Live. Tim mustn’t be very confident in his guitar playing or they have a rotten sound guy. Marty was not engrossed in this song. About half way through I knew the INXS was not right for our pal, Marty Casey. It was as if Marty was holding back so the band could keep up with him. Marty executed a suave and reassured conductor move to culminate his final performance as a statement of his personal growth.

JD took the stage next to perform What You Need. JD is more Michael Hutchence than Marty, to be sure. He was much more into the song and into the band than Marty was. He sang the song well, limiting his guttural pitfalls, which, again, I appreciate. It was over.

The INXS had two choices: pick up where they left off with JD as MH, or have some balls and blaze new trails with Marty.

Before the final decision reared itself, Dave chimed in. He declared that this was the best summer of his life. I guess it’s not really that great being a rock star if being on this show is all it takes to top your summer charts. Tim grabbed the microphone from Dave, bonked him on the head with it and got down to business. He told JD that he sings with passion and is an amazing performer. He thinks Marty is adaptable and has become a riveting front person. Having seen many Lovehammers shows, I could have told Tim that Marty was already a riveting front person, but it never came up in any of our conversations. All we ever talked about were Tim's feet. Hmm. However, Marty has become a more versatile front person.

Finally, Tim told JD he was right for their band. JD dropped to the floor and prayed to Allah as Marty backed up to give him the spotlight. That whole Casey family is one class act. Better than the Osmonds. The INXS deemed JD a "rock stah" and toasted him with a shot of Australian Kangaroo Piss Moonshine. After he was done puking, Tim told Marty how impressed they were with him and suggested he opens for the INXS on tour. Marty grinned, "Or vice versa." Dave offered Marty his guitar services and alternating nights with Carmen (Dave’s been having a little trouble keeping up). Marty congratulated JD, stating JD got what he deserved - a soon to be failed tour and album and a one way ticket back to the car.

The brand new INXS congregated on stage, while Marty leaped over to the ex-Rocker den to be with his real friends. The JD imbued INXS performed their new song, Easy Easy, which is a blatant rip off of INXS’s I Need You Tonight, with a little bit of Pretty Vegas mixed into the chorus. If I was the INXS, I’d sue those bastards. They cut to Marty who seemed to be enjoying the tune, with Tara looming in the background wallowing in bitchdom. The crowd didn’t look too enthused with the new single. I wasn’t impressed with it, either, but sometimes it takes me a while to feel a song/album. It took me about a month to get into Bad Religion’s The Gray Race, so I’ll give this song a chance. I’ll even give JD a chance, because I’m not into negative vibes, man. Congrats to ya, Mate JD. And Congrats to Marty and the rest of the Lovehammers and to me, because I didn’t really want Marty to win, knowing that all he needed was the exposure. Marty, if you’re reading this, meet me at the Valley Friday night - I’m sure you'll have nothing better to do.

Rock Star - Sept 18 Moist Rub

Cheers to the final 3! The final mansion show began with the three rockseteers appreciating themselves with a toast. I wonder what they toasted with. Probably wine. But if they were really cool, it was Absinthe, which, I hear is making a comeback with the young ‘uns in the know. If you’ve never tried Absinthe, check out this painting by Degas. This is what you’ll look like after a few belts. It is one of my favorite paintings. Good for me, but what about the Rockers? I think they prefer the Picasso.

They provided us some insight to the Rockers’ thoughts and feelings about being in the final three during dinner. Their discussion seemed forced, as if a producer told them to talk about it (would that really happen on a reality show?). Somehow, I get the feeling this is not how they would have interacted had the cameras not been there, and they were sitting in JD’s basement shooting the shit. Yes, I mean lying down underneath his car. I think it would have gone more like this:

Marty: I can’t believe you live here.
JD: It’s not so bad.
MiG: Why can’t we go upstairs into the front seat?
JD: My mom is entertaining a friend.
Marty: I thought being in the final three would be a little more glamorous than lying here in the street underneath your car.
MiG: There is a rat gnawing on my foot. But, it’s OK, he must be hungry.
JD: You guys want to try to make sparks with rocks on the gas tank?
MiG: Somebody is peeing down the curb.
JD: My mom must be finished. Let’s go upstairs.

Marty declared that this is a big deal, but he was more concerned with the fact that there were no more chicks in the house. This man has priorities. MiG feels he cheated the system to have survived this long. No, MiG, you played right into the system - the system of garnering foreign ratings. You are nothing but a marble in the Ker-Plunk of international marketing. JD is lying like a lamb in the weeds hoping to pounce on the lion that is INXS (he’s never been very good at metaphors). Marty feigns concern that MiG might actually pose a threat. Maybe in a pose off, but not in this competition.

OK, who left the front door unlocked? How the hell did Dave get in here again? "I’ve been living in Deanna’s room sniffing her sheets since she left." Dave announced to them that they will be challenged in a new clinic - the Infomercial Clinic, in which the goal would be for them to sell as many Honda Civics, Gibson and Baldwin musical instruments, Levi’s clothing and Dell DJ Dipshits as possible. After that, the three wise Rockers would help Andrew write a song. Dave gave them each a DJ Diddley-Doo containing the music Andrew had created. Immediately, Marty and MiG began to prepare. JD decided to coordinate his underwear drawer. He’s been meaning to do this since the third week. MiG reprimanded him, because he wants JD to be the best Marine he can be. JD retorted, "Dude, rock lives in the holes, dude." "Dude." "Duuuude!" You can’t prepare for holes, just like you can’t prepare for the stuff missing from those holes, nor potentially what may yet again reside in those holes. I don’t know what he, nor I, was talking about.

The next morning, the site of three brand new black Honda Civics flabbergasted the three adversaries as if nobody (Dave) had told them they’d be driving their new cars to Gibson-Baldwin warehouse. Before JD got into his car, he scratched his name with his key into the paint so that he would know which one was his. He misspelled it. A musical warehouse seems like an odd place to have a collaboration session. They probably didn’t have enough room left at the mansion now that only three people are living there. It’s not easy for struggling musicians - you have to take any kind of rehearsal/collaboration space you can get. Those Gibson people are so generous.

Marty sat with Andrew first. He didn’t want to be unprepared. Andrew beamed that Marty "virtually" paralleled his own thoughts on how the song should be. It’s a good thing Marty used those holographic lyrics. The session went well as it seemed these two had been writing together for nearly an hour, until Marty questioned why all of Andrew’s new songs are about Twinkies. Andrew screamed, "GET OUT! Get out right now and get me another box!" Marty followed orders, returned with not one, but two boxes of Twinkies, and they finished the song. Andrew was stunned and praised Marty for both his preparation and delivery skills.

MiG joined Andrew next and gave him a taste of his efforts. Andrew was pleasantly surprised. He said, "I didn’t know you were James Taylor. You look taller on TV. Is that a wig?" Although Andrew gave kudos to MiG’s work, he did say that MiG likes to take the sweet road in the melodies and harmonies. To help MiG get over this hurdle, Andrew suggested he try to mix in the word "whore" into the lyrics, as "whore" has a lot of corresponding rhyming words: bore, boar, core, door, Eeyore, floor...Zorro (almost) and Twinkie. (OK, no more Twinkies, I promise). Andrew ended by lauding MiG’s strong sense of song writing identity, which is a MiG way (as irony would have it) of saying he’s good at writing shit for himself, but not us, the INXS.

Finally, an intern woke JD, who was sleeping on a Les Paul. JD entered the room and started flapping his wings. I can’t bust him for his improvisational style of preparation. I conduct my life in a similar manner. Why prepare when you can wing it? JD presented a revolutionary concept to Andrew; let’s write about love and war - it’s never been done. Beyond that, JD showed Andrew his notebook where he detailed which articles would be used in the lyrics, but demanded that "an" would only be used before a vowel and not before any "h" words, because that’s pretentious. He asked Andrew what "pretentious" means. Andrew said it means TWINKIE! (I lied.) Then he told JD that was a good start and asked what else he had. What do you mean "what else", what do you have? Me? This was your task, not mine. Why is Marty allowed to meet you half way and I have to do ALL the work? Even though Andrew was frustrated with JD, he did admit he likes the way JD works outside the square (they’re only two dimensional in Australia, we work outside the three dimensional box here in America). But, he needs some of Marty’s discipline and a breath mint.

The Rockers returned to the mansion for their last supper, which consisted of salad, bread and wine (being the last night in the house, the "help" took most of the food home). They longed for the hot women that used to live with them. Too bad their new found fame will preclude them from having any other women ever showing interest. On to the billiard room for their final challenge. There was a single envelope hanging on the wall. Marty read the letter from the INXS, since JD has difficulty with the big words and MiG only speaks Australian. "Dear Fellas, We cannot decide who to choose. Please remove your shirts and fight to the death. The survivor will be our new singer." JD, quick as a frog, pulled out a sharpened screwdriver from the back of his collar and promptly pierced the jugular veins of the other two. He picked up the letter, which continued, "Just kidding, mates!" Oops. The INXS asked each remaining Rocker to choose one of the songs from the library of songs that had already been performed on the show. Marty proclaimed it the real test, since the song they choose will reveal their true identity to the INXS. JD asked the others for permission to perform You Can’t Always Get What You Want. Nobody gives a rat’s ass, JD. As it turns out, JD has it in his will that this song should be played at his funeral. Is he drawing a connection between the finale and his funeral? The bigger question is, do you need a will to junk your car after you die? What the hell else did he have to bequeath (prior to this show)?

MiG swayed on whether or not to perform Bohemian Rhapsody. His rationalization was that, even though he has made his living as a performer in a Queen musical, doing this song will show the INXS that he has moved on. Marty agreed, "Yeah, that’s what they’ll think, dumb shit." MiG obliviously sunk into mental grandeur at the thought of him winning the hearts of the INXS with this song. Marty snickered to himself. JD ate a Snicker’s.

I believe Marty chose Pretty Vegas as one of his possible songs. I wasn’t sure - it happened quickly and they didn’t dwell on it. They didn’t reveal which song Marty ultimately chose. I hope he does sing that song. He could use it to make a mockery of this entire show. Although, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do that. But if he did, he would win me over as a fan for sure, and I’d put another poster of him in my room. He could also use it, by whaling on it and making everybody forget about the JD versions of it, to impart his dominance as Alpha Rocker. Willow - pick your own finger. That’s what Billy Barty wants you to do. Then, do the disappearing pig trick.

They ended the last mansion show by showing the boys packing their bags in preparation to depart. Marty dumped his drawers into his bag. JD packed up his guitar. MiG had nothing to pack since he had ripped apart all of his clothes on stage. The three amigos stood at the deep end in the pool, reflecting upon their journey together. I was disappointed, expecting some cross-streams of micturition to froth the pool. Instead, they cut to the guys dumping the patio furniture into the pool. I guess that’s rock ‘n roll enough for the INXS. But, not for me.

Rock Star - Sept 14 Moist Rub

Tonight was the final elimination episode. Next week, nobody will be eliminated. One will be crowned the new INXS. The other two will be eliminated.

Standard operating show procedures of late dictate two encores. The popular vote chose Marty. When announced, Marty had to be corralled, just like everybody else who has been chosen to encore first in the two-encore world - you’d think they’d all have it figured out by now - as he started for the stage. To his, and the others’ defense, I know they’re hopped up with adrenaline up there, so it’s understandable. But I still have to roast them for it. It’s my dooty. To no one’s surprise, there was to be another pre-encore. But who would pick the performer? That was our surprise tonight. Sage Dave would show us the way. He recapped: the encore performer picked one week, the INXS picked one week, Dave picked one week, the Bat-puter picked one week and Anson Williams picked one week. Could there possibly be any pickers left? I mean, Anson "Potsie" Williams is pretty much bottom of the barrel. Who could be left? That’s right, the fat old guy in the plaid shirt. And the people around him - the audience! They’ve worked so hard cheering on cue this summer, clapping to the bone. It was a salty revenge. By applause, the crowed chose JD, because the world has not heard Pretty Vegas enough. Are there any other worlds I can go to?

JD subjected his song to the acoustic litmus test. It didn’t pass. With only Rafael and the other guitar guy to support him, JD resorted to crunching his nuts in a waffle iron to dab his performance with moments of castrato. I noticed JD has a little Charlie Chaplin in him on stage. Maybe it’s the duck feet. Sadly, this song may be on the promotional train to hitsville, so this won’t be the last time I’ll have to suffer it. It ain’t pretty after the show. Nor during.

Marty followed JD by extending the audience more influence with the direction of the show. He could sing Trees acoustically or sing it electrifyingly. If they chose electric, he would also sacrifice his blue Gibson cut out geetar. Naturally, the audience chose destruction, and Marty obliged. By "natrually" I mean "no shit". After the taping, Mark Burnett fired the director and hired the audience, since they’ve done such a fine job. And, they work for free. Eventually, Marty did Trees again, and everybody rejoiced. He hugged Brooke and told her it was from me.

I like to people watch. More specifically, I like to see if I can spot rock ‘n rollers driving on the highway. It used to be very difficult. Rockers would drive all different kinds of cars; from high end makes like Ferrari and Lamborghini to refabbed classics like T-Birds and Mustangs and all sorts of rad rides in between. Nowadays, it’s no fun, since all I have to do is look for a Honda Civic to know that a famous rock star is in my midst. Nothing says ROCK AND ROLL like the enigmatic and chic Honda Civic. This is the car the final three Rockers will be given after tonight’s show as a reward. What’s the matter - they could find any deals on some used Vegas? How about a nice family truckster? They could have at least given them each a Ridgeline. The Honda Civic suggests reliability and responsibility, not the hard driving edge we want to feel from our rock heros. If nothing else, they shouldn’t have any car trouble on the way to the gig.

Back at the mansion, the remaining rockers reveled with a rightful repast of beer nuts, brisket and borsht after the performance show. Or maybe it was sushi. Nothing fun happened there. MiG babbled about god knows what. Suzie beat MiG to the punch to request a group hug. Then they all cuddled up on the couch to watch the third season of Laverne and Shirley on dvd.

After some uninformative and banal discussion between the Rockers and the Dave/INXS, we found out that Suzie was the first elimatee. Her INXS challenge was Suicide Blonde. Yeah, the ominous implication in the title is obvious. Say no more. As usual, she gave a solid performance - even sassed it up a bit. Although, I saw glimpses of Joan Rivers in her face at times. Maybe it was her hair do that did it. My therapist will hear about this tomorrow. He won’t like it. I’ve come so far. Garry asked her what this experience has taught her. She replied, "Calculus and some ancient Peruvian customs". Andrew questioned whether Peru has been around long enough to have "ancient" customs, proposing they may merely be "historical". Suzie qualified her statement by claiming relevance to the life of fruit fly. Kirk said, "Why is everybody looking at me?" Suzie also claimed that she now has belief in her talent. And she believes that children are our future. And she believes in Father Christmas.

Next, the INXS threw JD to the lions arming him only with By My Side. He sang it well, except his guttural extensions on some syllables were annoying. If he could learn to rid our lives of that, he might not be so bad. He brought out the waffle iron again at the end of the song. I guess he had one shard of nut that wasn’t crushed yet. JD told us he learned that he was focused on becoming a member of the INXS but that it’s important to play well with others, too. He used the word peripheral. I think it was left on Brooke’s Teleprompter and he said it by mistake. Eddie Vedder sang he can’t find a better man.

Finally, we had some suspense swill to sit in for a moment. Who was the last member of the bottom three, Brooke? She said Marty’s name first, and he fell for it. Silly, rabbit, the bottom three is for MiG. Of course it was MiG. When he realized he was guaranteed a spot in the finale, Marty flipped the bird to everyone, jumped in his brand new Civic, drove off the stage and crashed onto the audience floor. Embarrassed, he slouched in his seat and hid in the car until the end of the show. Either that or he had a brain hemorrhage.

What You Need is what MiG needed to perform. Did you see the microphone flip he did between hands tonight? I referred to it yesterday. He did it a number of times tonight. I do that with my beer bottles while I'm sitting at the bar. MiG and I are cut from the same mold. Except, he got the inside of the mold and I got the outside. MiG seemed like he was pushing too hard to keep up with the funk. That’s how you get hemorrhoids. Don’t ever push too hard. This caused his voice to crack multiple times. The INXS praised him, but I thought he fell short. There was energy in the performance, but the House Band generated it, not MiGgy-Poo. Toward the end of the song, MiG struggled to rip his shirt. I’m sure he intended to rip it straight through, but he couldn’t do it. It reminded me of PeeWee Herman trying to lift the five pound weights over his head in PeeWee’s Big Adventure (everybody I know has a big but). The INXS asked MiG to compare and contrast the Mongolian invasion of China of 1279 with the increased use of weathervanes by Nebraskan farmers in the 1950's. MiG said after faking his way for weeks through trial and error and glazing the voters with putrid sugary man goo, he stopped doubting himself. "What about the Mongolians?" Tim asked him. "What about the Nebraskan farmers?" MiG replied. Quite right, mate. Good on ya.

Drizzle, Drazzle, Drozzle, Drome, Time for this one to come home. They’re talking about you, Suzie. You’re the only one that comes close to resembling Tooter Turtle. Funny, she didn’t cry as much as she did when others bit it. Maybe her tear ducts had dried up from over use. I think she knew it was imminent. Forty times in the bottom three is not a good track record. What could the INXS do? They are too polite to shower with a woman. MiG, JD and Marty weeped at the thought of the exodus of the last remnants of poon-tang in the mansion. I wonder which one of them will get to be the Lucky Pierre in the party train. Suzie was gracious and full of love for everybody. I will miss her. Dave didn’t say anything about him performing with Suzie in the future, but to show her how upset he was, he super glued his hand to the top of his head.

Rock Star - Sept 13 Moist Rub

Brooke had to work late at the nude barber shop, so she wrapped a razor strap around her waist and grabbed the linen curtains from the bathroom to cover up her gazebos and raced to the studio to make it to the show on time. She is a dedicated woman of the two thousand naughts.

I figured out why JD keeps with him a picture of himself as a five year old (with his baby sister). That is where he is mentally. It is the last time he has felt safe in this world. Don’t worry, JD, the INXS will make it all better. The effects of your rotten parents will torment you no more. Damn parents! All parents should not be allowed to have children. Who do they think they are? The INXS will save you. You will soon be able to rip apart that photograph and liberate yourself. The INXS will be your new parents. They will never break up and leave you fending for yourself. Or they will kick you to the curb, copyright your life and make you a slave. That's the wonderful part of life, nobody ever knows.

Since the INXS used up all of their questions for the Rockers in the Interview Clinic, Dave conducted the chat session tonight. He badgered Marty first, stating that Marty has made it pretty clear that he has control of his bowels. Marty responded by confirming his objective to cross the road halfway, being careful not to trip over the chicken with the dead baby stapled to it. "My aim is true, Elvis Costello," professed Marty. This impressed the young INXS grasshopper greatly, and they stated they have learned very much from Marty, although they have not yet been able to snatch that durned pebble from his hand. They dared not disagree, fearing Marty may eventually kick them out of their own band.

Next, Dave questioned MiG about his fortuity of having never been in the bottom three. Was it a curse or a gift? MiG suggested that it is a strong message from the voting public that Donnie Osmond is still loved and appreciated worldwide. Then, Dave toed the sexism line by asking Suzie why she is a woman. Since Suzie never had a biology class, she glossed over the subject, bringing the conversation back to the middle, affording us all the option to be people instead of chromosomal after effects.

Finally, Dave accused JD of being a big, giant pussy when his mom and sister were around. JD vehemently denied with a brusque, "Uh-uh", to which Dave replied, "You totally did, dude. You pussed out royal." I love my mommy. Kirk wished him good luck.

Dave joined the House Band on one of each of the rockers two songs. Unlike Jeremy, he was actually plugged in.

Suzie - Interstate Love Song. Interesting. During the pre-performance discussion, Suzie didn’t want to talk about gender being a factor, yet that’s all she could talk about in the taped prequel short. So, which is it, Suzie? Do you think the INXS wants to take post-show showers with a woman or not? She has no idea if donning a rod is an INXS singing requirement. No sense worrying about things you can’t control. Just to be sure, she wore a strap-on inside her pants. Suzie sang well, but didn’t have a lot of rock vibe in her voice. It didn’t work for me. Plus, this song is a boring STP song. I would rather have heard her sing Sex Type Thing (surprisingly, they didn’t ask my opinion). To help the song along, Suzie strolled the crowd. Did you see that old fat guy in the plaid shirt? I thought it was a reincarnation of my dad. How the hell did he get in there? They must be hurting for audience members. Dave had a cigarette jammed in the head of his guitar. I can’t believe he did that on national TV. Now, everybody’s gonna be doing it.

Suzie finished with What’s Up, by 4 Non Blondes. This song makes me feel warm and mushy inside and gives me hope for a peaceful and loving society. And then my neighbor tears over my lawn with his Harley, and I come crashing back into an undescribable pit of the nastiest depression you’d ever want to wallow in. This is a good song for her, and she mushified me with it. To ensure my neighbor wouldn’t ruin it for me, I shot him in the face before she started singing. Garry told Suzie she gave a world class performance and said it is too bad she is a woman. Tim commented that the two songs were stylistically contrary and she did a great job making them cohesive and he loved the way she worked the crowd and it is too bad she is a woman.

JD - Pretty Vegas. I pose, JD, what is the purpose of the megaphone? Are you using it to give the listener a sense of detachment those specific lyrics depict? Or are you emphasizing the illusion of solitude and desperation one has when sitting in the bottom of a sewer being dripped on by water too foul to entertain sunlight? Could it possibly be that you are making a statement about the multiple transformations one must go through when searching for something by using the megaphone to alter your voice during different stages of the journey of this song? Or, do you think it sounds cool and Green Day used it, too? I don’t think he knows. If you don’t know why you’re doing something, then you shouldn’t do it. Unless you’re drunk. Dave helped this song progress with some of his licks between verses, although he got in JD’s way one or two times.

JD then performed Money by Pink Floyd. I hope you are all sitting down. For, what I am about to say may stun some of you, causing your knees to buckle, dropping your head right through your glass statue of Betty White. Please, for your safety (as if anybody actually reads this crap), sit down before you read on. I think JD did well with this song. Strewing the big sack of money was a nice touch. (I said "big sack".) Yes, kissing Dave on the cheek during the song does make you gay (but not as much as the cocksucking). I’m going to leave it at that.

Marty - Trees. Unplugged with Dave Navarro. Dave looked a little bored playing this song. Marty should have let him gritch out a solo. What’s with me and solos? I like solos. Get off my back. I agree with Garry that it’s a boon if a song can sustain itself in both the acoustic and the electric worlds. This song does. After seeing two shots of Kirk singing along with the song, I can see why they didn’t give him the lead singing gig, unless they wanted to open up for The Wiggles. I liked this version better than the electric version last week, but not as much as the Lovehammers version.

After Marty's bailiff told Dave he was allowed to sit back down, Marty performed Creep by Radiohead. All I could think about during the beginning of this song is, "Holy shit, Marty’s on the TV!" It just kinda hit me. When I composed myself, I sat back an enjoyed. Marty’s voice has grown so much in the past few months. The vocal coach workouts are paying off. His vocals captivated me with frailty, power, tenderness, pain, desperation, rage, remorse, indifference and just a tad of ennui. My son thought the muted guitar shanks during the verse were cool. Yeah, Beave, they were. If the INXS had asked Marty to sing this 6 weeks ago, I don’t think he would have pulled it off the way he did tonight, and they would have brought out the reamer pole in their critique. Instead, the INXS praised his dynamic set and asked if they could have a sleep over in his mansion room tonight.

MiG - Paint It Black. MiG strategically began the song with a quiet, slow tempo to allow the progression of his arrangement illustrate his transformation from sweet, fluff-ridden, gush-bag to the dark lord of rock. He didn’t quite get there, as he meandered in the dark realms with the lantern partially lit, but I enjoyed it anyway. I’ve heard this song so much, his performance actually reminded me what a cool song it is. And it didn’t help that he skipped a bit on stage. There is no skipping in rock ‘n roll. It’s one of the first things they teach you. MiG’s voice failed him at the end with a misshaped screech, but it didn’t bother me too much. It was like a holding penalty in football. It can be called on every play, but it’s not. Actually, it’s not like that at all.

MiG finished us off with A Kiss From a Rose by Seal. MiG should see if Seal needs a new lead singer. But, what will I do? You can be the tambourine guy, Seal. The INXS enjoyed MiG’s show, as well. Garry Beers was giving MiG the death ray (zzzz zzzz) during his songs so he would end up in the bottom three, but it didn’t work. Garry’s intentions were good, hoping to see MiG sing an INXS tune. Kirk was happy with MiG’s arrangements. Overall, Kirk seemed especially giddy tonight. Maybe he found out that another meaning for "gay" was happy. One nuance - MiG did a quick little flip of the microphone from his left hand to his right. You can’t teach that kind of dexterity. Then, Dave wrecked everything by asking MiG to get naked again.

The early voting told us that Marty’s fans have faster computers than the rest of the Rockers’ fans. JD was next, with Suzie trailing him and MiG sitting content waiting for the voting to start in the far east and Australia. Who will end up in the bottom three? Who will remain as the sole survivor, guaranteed a chance at next week’s finale? Will we have to be tortured with a mortifying fourth presentation of Pretty Vegas? Will Suzie sport a moustache to try to fool the INXS? Will Brooke wear only pieces of electrical tape over her naughties tomorrow? Will that fat old guy in plaid be in the audience again? Who will be sent packing tomorrow? What the hell are we gonna watch when this show is over? Will I finally have time to clean my house and feed the kids? Are they even still alive? What were their names again? Are you sure they’re mine, I thought they’d be taller by now? So many questions will be answered tomorrow.

Rock Star - Sept 11 Moist Rub

Why don’t they ever show what kind of food the Rockers get to eat? The camera moves around so much, I never get a good look at the food. I think MiG had some sort of torte on his plate. Marty wolfs his food so fast, it’s impossible to see what he eats. JD probably picks through the garbage, since that’s what he’s used to doing. I have no idea about Suzie, but if I had to make a guess - back bacon. The least they can do is post the daily menu on the web site. I want to know what it’s like to eat like a Rock Star. Can’t they put together a clinic for that? Andrew could conduct the clinic. In case you’re wondering what a loser blog writer feasts upon, I’m eating potato chips with French onion dip right now. And a Coke.

Instead of giving us a good gander at the grub, the show begins with the remaining Rockers back at the mansion lamenting the loss of Jordis. Marty is bummed out somethin’ fierce since Jordis was his soul mate. MiG claims to feel guilty for still being there. Maybe he should have tanked some of his performances to protect the others from getting nixed. OK, he doesn’t feel THAT guilty. Suzie weeps at the honor of being the only woman left. The others, besides JD jumped to console her, which is a mistake. She’s only looking for attention. They should ignore her whenever she cries so they don’t reinforce the sobbing behavior. She’ll never stop crying with that kind of support. This is the advice I give my kids: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at you. I truly believe that.

Hey look, Dave stopped by for a visit. Quick, make some Kool-Aid. He comments on how quiet the house is, which brings up a serious question. Why aren’t the tunes cranked up? Didn’t some of them win a boss new stereo system? What kind of lame-ass rockers are these people?

Dave presents the new clinic. Being in a rock band is all about chemistry. This week’s clinic will be in the lab to see how well they can work with such topics as beaker washing techniques, the Aufbau Principle, limiting reactants and which orbital is right for The INXS, being sure to keep their safety goggles on at all times. Following the lab each rocker would be asked to sit with The INXS for a debriefing interview.

JD entered the interview room first. Prior to entering, he declared to be 100% honest. Too late, JD. As the boy who cried wolf learned, once you start flinging the bullshit, the only way to get out of it is to be eaten by a mountain goat (I don’t remember exactly how the story goes). Speaking of carnivorous bovines, JD’s mother and sister popped over to the mansion. They were in the neighborhood for a Tupperware party. JD was overjoyed. He gushed from all orifices. We learned that JD came from a broken home, which is why he was living in his car, and that he had to de-fragment his computer sometime soon. They didn’t show very much of JD’s interaction with his family, which leads me to believe that the producers don’t care too much about it, which further leads me to believe that I don’t, either. In the interview, The INXS asked JD if he had any naked pictures of his sister, to which they expected him to say "no", so they could finish off the joke by asking if he’d like to buy some. However, JD foiled their attempt since he already had some with him. These weren’t wallet sized photos. The photos he had were normal snap shots. Who carries around snap shots of their sister in their pocket? Somethin’ just ain’t right with that boy. The INXS confronted JD regarding his cockiness and bravado. JD pleaded for mercy since it was due to his insecurity and asked for sympathy and a pat on the head and a dog bone. They continued by asking some useless questions about his controversial behavior and disrupting the mojo of the band. How do they expect him to answer these questions? "Yes, INXS, I’m looking to fuck with you guys, screw your wives and detune your guitars. Can I still be in your band?" Before they released him, The INXS gave JD an envelope containing this week’s songs. They were Money by Pink Floyd and Pretty Vegas. I think The INXS hates me. Why the hell do we need to see that song again? Are they hoping it will finally be entertaining on the third time?

MiG went in next. The INXS’ issue with him was his sappy niceness for all things carbon-based. MiG appreciated their questions and suggested they have a group hug. They addressed his theatric career, which consisted of, among others, Rent, West Side Story, Grease and some live sex shows in Amsterdam. If I were him, I would have withheld everything but the live porn. They also asked him if he’d ever been in a band. He named a few band names such as Blaine and the Beaters (he was Blaine), The Sniveling Bores, Ass Krack and McCutcheon (he was Ass Krack) and a power trio called Mignition (another piece of information I would have withheld if I hadn’t already killed myself for having any association with it). MiG also had to answer to his unbearable knack of cooperating instead of asserting himself. His answer was that he asserts cooperation. When you don’t have a good answer, try to confuse the interviewer so they move on. It worked. The INXS gave MiG his songs: Kiss From A Rose (?) And Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones (which is a song frequently covered by the Lovehammers - and they do it beauty). The expectation is that MiG will be able to use PIB to demonstrate his hardcore edge, sugar-coated with assertive cooperation. The INXS mentioned in their internal discussion about MiG that if they chose the MiGnition path, they would have some work to do to dilute his theatric pansiness. It would be easier if they transformed their show into Mama Mia:INXS to accommodate MiG.

Enter Marty. I’m not sure what happened here. Marty turned the interview around. They discussed Marty’s growth through the show and tried to coerce him into cowering, but Marty didn’t take the bait. "Look," he said, "this is where I’m going. Are you going to follow or would you rather baby sit JD for a year. I’m done with you douchebags. If you need me, I’ll be out way paving." They answered with a simple "yes, sir" and asked him if he needed an extra pillow. His songs are Creep by Radiohead and Trees. I have two issues with these choices. First, Radiohead and Live are the same band. This song is not going to show us anything new from Marty, seeing that he’s already learned from his mistakes on the Live song (mistakes from the INXS perspective, not his own). Second, while I like Trees a lot, what is the point of doing it again? How about another original? He’s got others ya know. I don't think the INXS knows what they are doing, or they don't care, and the reperformance of this song, and JD's song, is a silly marketing ploy.

Finally, Suzie entered the grill room. She went in fretting and blathering. That’s how I go into all of my job interviews. Explains why I’m still working at the same place for 16 years. SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! Oops, sorry about that. Sometimes the monotony gets to me. The INXS admires her strength and her tenacity, but questioned her ability to maintain her composure under pressure, specifically media pressure. Blather, stammer and yammer, excuse me, Suzie, did you say somethin?. "That’s our point, exactly." True, she is not adept at expressing herself verbally. It doesn’t mean she can’t sing. What are they looking for, a lead singer or a PR mouthpiece? If that's the case, I think Tony Danza is available. They then asked her about her vision of the band’s musical future. She told them that since it’s not broken, there’s no need to fix it so they should continue from where they left off, which is another way of saying that she has absolutely no thoughts on where the band should go. Just tell me what to sing and when I can work a good cry into a song. At this point, I dozed off a little, so I don’t know if they informed us of Suzie’s songs. So, I'll take a guess: Mr. Roboto and the Theme From Eight Is Enough.

When I woke up, the band, INXS, was deliberating. Between the accents and the mumbling, I couldn’t understand half of what the fuzzy foreigners were saying. As far as I could tell, they think Suzie needs help in the media big top but has a super strong voice. JD is full of crap, but has vulnerability in his eyes and could be misunderstood. Plus, he’s a fun guy to have around, so they could make him a roadie. MiG and Marty are focused. MiG doesn’t seem natural, but he does look like a rock star, so maybe they can hire him out for the photo shoots. Marty has a spine. That’s probably a good thing.

During this quiet time of deliberation, they intertwined scenes of the Rockers living the mansion life. JD surprised everyone with a cake that looked like a pair of butt cheeks. Suzie jumped in and took a big bite out of it. Seems like she’s had experience with this. Give me a call sometime, Suze. This is one nourishment nugget we do know about Rock Stars. Apparently, they are really into cake.

Rock Star - Sept 7 Moist Rub

It was a hell of a week, Dave.

Speaking of hell, we were obligated to witness the discussion of this week’s events. Here is what we learned:

• Dave wants Jordis to mow his lawn after the photo shoot. How about a Fresca?
• Suzie is a transformer. She can turn herself into a giant robot mini-van that shoots plastic laser beams out of her finger tips. Choking Hazard - Not recommended for children under the age of three.
• Dave is hot for JD. I’m not one to judge. My rule is, you don’t tell me what you do what your tallywacker, and I won’t tell you what I do with mine (unless it’s something really cool or really gross).
• JD is fun to have at a birthday party. I’m going to hire him out for my daughter’s 10th birthday.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if Brooke asked the Rockers who thought she/he deserved the encore to slap the person to her/his right in the face? Or maybe they could stand up and do the Karate Kid pelican stance. The raising of the hands was fun for the first 8 weeks, but it’s getting kind of stale. Marty and JD professed faith in themselves for the encore by exposing their armpits. JD proved correct. Supposedly, the encore was determined by the online votes for the original songs. And JD won. Yeah, OK. As JD barreled towards the stage, Dave recommended he return to the trousered position. There was to be an opening encore. Dave requested permission from the Rockers to choose the opening act performer. What would have happened if they said no? I’ll tell you what, Dave would have pouted, that’s what. Dave decided it would be wise to ask the INXS to perform their new tune, Us, with the Fab Five singing. Tim asked Dave to play along with them. It was just like Woodstock!

JD began the vocals in a forgettable manner. Then MiG chimed in to preserve the banality. He’s a team player. They flew in USA for Africa to help out with the chorus. Eventually, they gave us the second verse, which Jordis began. What’s that I smell? Yes, there is some life in this desert of a song. Thank you, Jordis. Marty and Suzie finished off the second verse in no part harmony. I don’t think Marty likes singing with other people. It’s a damn good thing it’s not Christmas and Bing Crosby is dead. Cue USA for Africa (not as good as Band Aid, in my opinion) for the chorus again. Dave provided some life support with a fat nasty blues riff, and Suzie carried us through to the end with some heart-felt belts. Without the Suzie, the Jordis and the Dave parts, that song suffers up some cruel blandness.

On to the encore we’ve all been waiting for. JD and Pretty Vegas. Pretty boring, really, especially the second time around. Hop, hop, point, point, shimmy-hop, shimmy-hop, shimmy, hop, hop. OK, I get it. As soon as the song was over, my phone rang. It was Kevin Cronin. He said, "Dwip dwip, deee diddly dip; dwip, dwip, deee diddly dip; dwip, dwip, deee diddly dip, diddly dip, diddly dip, diddly dip dip dip dip." To which I responded, "Kev, my axe ain’t plugged in, I got another call." The other call was my sister. She sings, "...after the showawawawoh. That’s Ethel Merman. That’s all I gotta say." She hit it right on the head. Yesterday, I thought JD’s vocalization sounded familiar, but I just couldn’t put my finger in it. My sister did. The spirit of Ethel Merman got tired of hanging out with Donny Osmond inside of MiG and chose to rummage through JD’s cupboards for a stay. "...after the showawawawoh". Top ten hit if I ever heard one. Actually, I haven’t heard one lately. I have no idea what’s in the top ten nowadays. I must be cootish. Maybe that’s why I can’t comprehend the JD appeal. I can live with that, but not for long since I will probably be dead soon, being cootish, and all.

Back at the mansion and the subsequent questioning by Dave. Here is what we learned:

• JD has good interviewing skills and will be the new elevator killer someday.
• Marty likes to give curt responses when he’s mawgin’ on free food.
• Suzie mopes about not having Bonnie Raitt’s gray spot in her hair.
• MiG has nerves of nerf.
• MiG cowers to JD. JD lets MiG pick bugs out of his fur.
• Jordis joins in the JD bug grooming.
• Jordis basically tells the INXS that she can’t do it. Not in those words, but she may as well have. Just because they put a camera on you, it doesn’t mean you have to be blatantly truthful. The INXS watches these clips. Don’t talk about how bad you suck. Unless you’re trying to get yourself kicked off the show. That’s it. Jordis must have gotten a nice deal from the record company slag who snuck backstage and gave her his card. It’s all coming together now. I have seen the bic lighter. She’s a genius.
• Jordis admits that she hasn’t been doing her best because she has a million dollars stashed in her secret hide out waiting there for her when she gets paroled.
• JD tells us he has stopped playing games because he finally figured out, with two weeks to go on the show, that he wants to be a member of the INXS. Until now, he had thought he was trying out for Name That Tune.
• MiG explains to us why JD is so wonderful. It’s because his breath smells like sausage.

Hand raising time. Air out those pits. Suzie, MiG and, eventually, Jordis admit to inconveniencing the voters with their performances last night. Brooke announces the early returns and then throws a lawn dart at Jordis to let her know the voters didn’t help her out. The lawn dart stung a little, so Jordis didn’t put too much effort into her hug with Brooke.

Jordis sang Need You Tonight. She was tentative and self-conscious. And then she messed up a lyric. Given that I have a degree in Psychology, which gives me license to make shit up and have it be true, I have determined Jordis’ problem. With songs not of her choosing, she has been unable to express her true self through the song. Her unfamiliarity with it imprisons her in a cage of self doubt and indecision. We saw evidence of this with her photo shoot. This world of the unknown, whether it be a new situation (photo shoot) or an aloof song, sets her defenses in motion, which is a momentum her talent is not yet refined enough to overcome.

Brooke cursed Suzie to the center stage. Her challenge was Never Tear Us Apart. Not only have we heard this song too often on soot Wednesday, we’ve already heard Suzie sing it in the first elimination episode. Enough with this song. During her performance, Suzie entered the audience to connect with the crowd. She also had to fart and hoped everybody would think it was the fat guy in the third row. She did fine (with the song and the fart). And they new she would, those INXS.

Marty, MiG and JD stood together like Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander and Dusty Bottoms hoping El Guapo would decide to shoot none of them with an invite to the elimination stage. Brooke let Marty go free first. JD was the chosen one. MiG did his best to look stunned. Let me get this straight - the voters voted enough for JD's song to get him the encore, but not enough to keep him out of the bottom three. That sounds right. It makes sense to learn that the JDidiots are a confused lot. Not to worry, because the INXS had a grand challenge in store for JD. JD, could you please sing the song everybody, including ourselves, has already heard you sing on the LA radio station. We know you’ve shown you can sing it pretty well, but we want to double check, just to make sure. Heard from off camera, Jordis, "Those fuckers." He sang Mystify similarly to the way he sang it on the radio, although with less heart. The INXS asked him where he would take their band musically. JD’s response was surprisingly vague, obtuse and groveling. I wouldn’t have expected that from JD. He said he would take the band into his heart and give them back everything they gave to him. That’s exactly what the record company told the INXS to look for when searching for a new lead singer! They found their man. What a relief.

Let’s recap. Jordis has been having some trouble, so they bring it up in conversation and make her feel worse about herself right before they tell her the voters hate her. They give Suzie a song she’s already sung. They give JD a song he’s already sung. They launch Jordis. I’m not saying Jordis shouldn’t have been let go, but this reeks of a set up to me. And, I would be offended and appalled if not for the fact that I really don’t give a movement.

To make Jordis feel better Tim offers to buy the first record she ever sells. Dave just about rubs one off in her face and Andrew, without announcing himself, I don’t know, blew her a kiss or something. Everything was so sad. I said, above the canyon wall...strong eyes did glow. It was the leader of the land, baby. OH MY GOD, The GREAT WHITE BUFFALO.....

Rock Star - Sept 6 Moist Rub

Brooke had to attend a pajama party after the show. That is why she was dressed like that. That’s right, the pajama party was in my pants. I’ve never liked that look. Even the fabulous Brooke Burke can’t pull off that lingerie look as far as I’m concerned. Before tonight I thought my disdain for the pajama style was because I only saw fat chicks wearing those things. Do people follow fashion trends blindly, or do they actually take the time to determine if it looks stupid or not? That’s a rhetorical question. All fashion trends look stupid. Not now, you may think, but they will. Look at all those people cringing at pictures of themselves in the seventies. At the time, they looked cool (or thought so, anyway), and so did the mullet-headed, Members Only parachute-pantsed butt knobs in the eighties. In retrospect they all look like gooftards. Gooftardity is timeless and requires only some perspective to detect. When you have your head up the ass of the in crowd, it’s hard to have perspective. Yes, I’m talking about you capris donning ladies and you goatee growing men. I’ll tell you this much - if decorative moose horns ever come into fashion, I’m going to be a rich, rich man. Maybe I can get Brooke to wear a pair on the next show. The glittered-chiffon one with spikes will bring out her eyes. T-shirts and jeans will never look out of time, that is why I never look any more bombastic than my face betrays.

They saved us from the extended recaps and discussion. Thank you. Let’s move on to the rockin’, shall we?

JD - Come as You Are. JD dug deep down into his soul for this one. Never before had I seen him perform so existentially. It was as if his amped down version of this song was communicating from his soul directly to my soul. I felt naked with him (humanistically, not homosexually). When he connected it back to real time with his charged ending, it was like he brought me back home, placed me in my bed, pulled the covers up over me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. As if that wasn’t enough, JD furthered his emotional manipulation with his heart-gutty Pretty Vegas. If this song is not a hit within a month, there is something excruciating wrong with our society. His vocals made me forget I ever had an issue with his voice before this. They should have ended the show right then and there. If I were the other Rockers, I would have walked back to the dressing room.

I’m lying of course. All I could think about while he was bunnying around on stage was the image of his monumental arrow head necklace bounding up and piercing his skull. He claimed his original song is about searching for something and then finding out it "ain’t all it’s cracked up to be." Hmmm. Can anybody in the class correlate that statement with JD’s incessant desire to be the new frontman of the INXS? Hmmmm. We’re sorry JD, if that’s how you feel, you’re just not right for our race, human. Kirk made a statement about the JD being back. No, Kirk, it’s been the same shit JD the whole time. That was you who left to take a leak. Remember, you wiped your hands on Dave’s goatee.

Suzie - I Can’t Make You Love Me. How come Dave didn’t give Suzie the same sap he gave Deanna about not believing she would have that problem with any man? Suzie’s cute enough, ain’t she? I mean this in a good way - Suzie’s voice sounded like a mix between Sade and Ann Wilson. Velvety, yet powerful. Crustacean, yet cephalopod. Ra, yet Ka. Lovely. Suzie then took us on a bus ride to the nearest adult contemporary radio station with her song, Soul Life. She described the song as a plea to stay true to yourself. And to be true to your school. Just like you would to your girl or guy. The song was commendable - I could give it a ride or leave it by the side of the road after swerving at it just to acknowledge its presence. Although, it teetered on the lounge end of the spectrum. What made it for me was her voice. She’s got a way she plays with her textures and her tonality and her timbres and her fermata and her other musical terms that hooks me in like a revolting vaudevillian. I do have one criticism. To gain favor with the judges, it’s probably not a good idea to dedicate your song to the guy they told to get lost last week. Just a suggestion. But, flashes of her creamy white inner thigh helped. Well done.

MiG - Hard To Handle. I don’t want to perpetuate a Brady Bunch reference trend, but I must. There is no other way. MiG’s hair looks like that of Mrs. Brady during the "Oliver season". I never liked it on her, and I don’t like it on MiG. On Joey Heatherton? Hell, yes! The more I see of MiG the more he seems like he’s forcing it on stage. His voice is good enough. He has great range. It seems like he’s trying to do what he thinks he should be doing up there instead of just doing it. It’s no different than when Nancy Reagan told us "Just Do Drugs". She had no idea what she was saying. She was merely trying to fit the part of Ronny’s first sack mate. MiG doesn’t know how to rock. He acts like he’s trying to rock. After getting reprimanded last week for singing over the instrumentals, MiG had to jam the microphone up Rafael’s ass to keep himself from singing during the guitar solo. I think that made Rafael play a little faster. Then, like Suzie, MiG took us somewhere special, too. To the prom, with his song, Home In Me. This song reminded me of every generic ballad played at a prom where you are looking deeply into your date’s eyes trying to figure out if you’re going to get lucky or not. Only, at the prom you’re concentrating so much on what kind of moves you plan to make, you don’t even hear the goddam song. We weren’t so lucky tonight (although I was trying to figure out which hand to use tonight to...nevermind). To make it worse, this song is about a dead guy. Did he go to high school prom with Carrie OR WHAT?!?! OK, I’ll admit it. I didn’t go to the prom in high school. I was at home listening to the Scorpions’ Lonesome Crow album in my headphones and sniffing Lemon Pledge. Pretty much the same thing, though.

The INXS and/or Dave, in reference to a number of the Rockers’ original songs, brought up the question of whether or not the songs were that of the INXS. What’s the point? Look, if I could write INXS songs, what the hell would we do with Andrew? If we lose him, the tour bus will get overgrown with Twinkies, and we’ll be marooned in Paducah. I ask you, the INXS, is that what you want?

Jordis - We Are the Champions. She needs to talk to Suzie to learn how to keep her vocal strength in the quieter parts of the songs. Jordis can belt out with the best of them. She needs some coaching to get her through the rest of the song. Having said that, her performance was better than JD’s with the same song. Healthiest Pork Rind Award goes to her. Jordis’s original song was titled, Try Not. I liked it. I thought it was the best original up to that point. The look on Marty’s face when Jordis claimed he helped her write the song was, "Hey bitch, don’t bag this on me." Note: I wrote down "Fiona Apple" in my notes before Dave referenced her. I get a point for that. I own two Fiona Apple cds (does she have more?). What Jordis did with her song is what I’ve been screaming at Fiona to do. Crank it out, baby! You don’t have to remain mired in the depths of self-deprecating indulgence on every song. Life isn’t that horrible. Come out and play, little one. Little Fiona. It’s fun out here if you want it to be. I would not turn the station if I heard this Unga-song on the radio - especially if Suzie helps her out with how to effectively sing the verse. Dave was pretty blunt with Jordis, and rightly so. I’ve said this before, Dave has come into is own as a rock mentor. His points have been relevant and poignant lately. I think he was holding his tongue early on when he had to sit through all the crap performances. Jordis may be withering under all of this pressure. She didn’t deny it when they confronted her.

Marty - Everlong. He turned acoustic, once again. I don’t think he needed to. He could have used the same vocal over an electric support and made a more powerful statement. I could barely hear the guitars. At the very least, Paul could have laid down a little piano flirt in the background. That would have been righteous. Still, Marty’s voice sounded awesome. Vociferous, yet Harpo-Marxian. Armenian, yet Swiss. And, yes, Ra, yet Ka. As in RaKa. Most people don’t know this, but that is where the term "rocker" is derived. Marty followed up with his song, Trees, about a man trying to talk a woman into falling in love with him. It didn’t work, which led to the whole Murder On My Mind album (luckily for us). Where was the guitar solo? I was expecting a guitar solo. There was no guitar solo. I can’t believe there was no guitar solo. Every other time I heard this song, there was a guitar solo. No, really. I was disappointed. I was interested in hearing how Rafael would do it. Maybe I’ll call him and ask him to play it for me over the phone. Maybe I'm thinking of a different song. Yes, that's it, I was thinking about Eruption. Marty won tonight. He may not have won the INXS gig, but he won a future music career for damn sure. I’m going to miss him. I’m guessing he won’t be drinking at The Valley at 3 in the morning anytime soon after this. Oh well, they’ll still have Jack Daniels there.

Brooke gave us a glimpse of the early voting trend. Marty led the way, with Suzie on his ass, JD hanging on to her hair, MiG dodging the JD chips after him, and Jordis, with a distant look on her face, drifting behind. I’m betting the bottom three stay the same, maybe not in that order, unless the JDidiots coagulate and stop JD’s bleeding, which would drop Suzie down. I think it may be time for Jordis to head back to Minnesota, eh.

Rock Star - Aug 31 Moist Rub

Tim started off the show by expressing concern for the people in New Orleans (I assume he meant all people in that area) traumatized by Hurricane Katrina. From what I’ve seen, it sucks big time down there. I’m glad there aren’t any unscrupulous curs that would make the situation worse by looting the victims and distracting the police who are tying to maintain order until the clean up is done. Man, people suck sometimes. Tim and the rest of the guys were gracious to make a donation to the Red Cross to aid those people. Helps balance out the fuckwads in this world and preserve the Karma. Brooke added, "Our hearts go out to everyone." Thanks for the sentiment, Brooke, but let's focus our intentions on just the hurricane victims.

The INXS and Dave deemed Suzie’s Bohemian Rhapsody performance one of epic caliber. Or maybe they said it should be on Epic records. They awarded her the encore. She hopped agog and started hugging the other Rockers as she pushed them aside to make her way to the stage. Not so fast, Suzie Sweetcheeks. Last night’s show was so spectacular that the INXS wanted to relive at least a third of it. MiG took off his shoes and used all ten toes to do the math. He determined that would take about 2.176293 performances to equal a third of last night’s show. Marty explained to him the impracticality of having 0.176293th of a performance, and he told MiG about truncating as a method of rounding off numbers. Thusly, the INXS approved two encore performance and bequeathed Suzie the power of attorney to choose the opening act. Without hesitation (maybe due to editing) she chose Mr. Marty Casey. She wants him bad. I can’t wait for the cat fight episode between Suzie and Jordis. It’ll be primal. (Check out www.catfightband.com. Rockin’ chicks.)

Marty chose to dish out a Raga/Gregorian Chant version of Wish You Were Here, but he switched it back at the last second when he realized the band was playing it the regular way. Marty copped some David Bowie stature out there tonight. I think it may have been the hair combing, since that sense went away after he mussed up the do a little. Marty baked it. Dude, he baked the cake! It was better than last night, which is hard to do since we’re usually bored to cranium dust with the songs by Wednesday. The performance got Garry Beers shedding some tears, and he and the rest of the INXS obliged with the standing ‘O’. Afterward, Marty gave Suzie a big hug and whispered in her ear, "I like Jordis better and we even made out - I still have a little bit of her spit in my mouth." But, it didn’t phase her. She bashed it up again, baby. I don’t care what any of you nay-sayers say (which I presume is "nay"), she quaked that song, even if she didn’t hit the glass breaker. Besides, Roger Taylor hits the high note in that song; Freddie Mercury doesn’t.

They took us back to the mansion shenanigans. As we’ve already learned, MiG is good at math. And, it’s a good thing, too. He was able to put everything into perspective for the other Rockers by figuring that if there are only six of them left, and three make the bottom three, almost half of them will be in the bottom three. He did that without even taking off his shoes.

Then the fun started. JD confronted Suzie regarding her nefarious bashing of him. How dare she!? What did she say again? It must have been some heinous attack on his character for him to be so offended. Yes, that’s right, she made a comment about the extended length of time he spent in the recording studio. Dems fightin’ woids! What does that even mean? Is that a good or bad thing? She didn’t say he spent a long time in the studio and therefore he must have sucked huge ass! The statement was utterly harmless. And that was enough to piss off JD. If that’s all it takes, for his peace of mind, I hope he never reads this blog. He’ll come after me and try to run over me with his house (I can’t make the ‘living in a car’ jokes too much longer, since the JDidiots are going to make him rich soon). Suzie should have roasted him. Instead, she cowered and tried to make peace by saying she was "genu-eye-nly" sorry (gotta dig that Canadian accent. Well, I guess you don’t gotta, but I do). At least JD was mature about it when he said, "I don’t think you’re my friend." To which Suzie should have replied, "No shit, you are a prick and a half." During this, we switched back and forth to the others reaming JD more than Suzie ever did. Ty calls JD a bully (which is nothing compared to what he calls the INXS later in the show. More coming on that.) They probably cut out all of the tasteless, fun jabs the Rockers took at him. Like when Jordis said something about him being hung like a gnat. Had he been exposed to this lashing, JD’s only recourse would have been to create an imaginary friend named, The JDster. Do imaginary friends use only imaginary numbers? Let’s ask MiG*i .

We picked up the discussion at the fake Mayan. The INXS called upon Marty to make some sense out of this mess. He correctly diagnosed JD’s issue as being of the insecurity variety (probably due to JD being hung like a gnat). Then, Marty made one of the most true statements ever heard on the show (because it is exactly what I stated blogs ago, so it has to be true). The drama on this show should be limited to what happens on the stage. He must be a genius! He went on to say stuff about focusing on the goal, staying the course, a thousand points of light, no new taxes, etc...he lost me there. Ty was called to the pulpit next. He proceeded to jam his nose right through JD’s sphincter by saying JD has too much talent to resort to these kinds of antics. Obviously, he doesn’t. Which show are you watching? Suzie, who seems destined to be a battered wife, blames herself and claims she hurt JD. Listen up, Suzie. JD’s skin is so thin, you could hurt him with the jawbone of an imaginary ass (named The JDster). What Suzie needs is a kind, gentle, warm-hearted man, like me, because she deserves it and she’s going to be rich. JD glosses over the entire controversy by saying "I’m just here to sing. I have no idea who these people are or what they are talking about." The INXS agrees, "Right JD, this isn’t about you. Sorry to bother you." They changed the subject by asking Jordis what her feelings were about making the bottom three. She said she couldn’t make it because she had to catch a bus. Then to MiG, why do you love the bottom three? MiG likes having his head on the chopping block if that’s what the INXS wants him to do. Then to Marty - bottom three? Marty would be proud to be there. Dave chimed in, "That’s enough bullshit, let’s get on with this."

All but Suzie raised their hands when Brooke asked who believes they would be in the bottom three. Suzie eventually raised her hand out of perceived peer pressure. I’m tellin’ ya, Suzie, some guy is going to end up taking advantage of you and slapping you around (seriously, I think that may actually happen, given her propensity for doormatness, which would be totally uncool). Take me up on my offer. I’ll protect you and your money. Again with the standing up of the early bottom three from last night: JD, Ty and Marty. Stand up, sit down, stand up, roll over...what is this - CHURCH? Jordis also had to stand because she made her way to the final three at some point, too. MiG and Suzie were safe. An admirable note about Suzie: she has no problem letting her happiness shine through when something good happens to her, instead of trying to cover it up with feigned concern about the welfare of the more unfortunate Rockers. I like that.

Finally, on to the elimination performances. This was much easier when it was a half hour episode.

JD - This Time. Not horrible. But I’ll say it again - I don’t like his voice. I know I say that a lot, but I’m only doing it to keep up with the number of times he tells us he really wants to be the new lead singer of INXS. That’s fair, I think. He was pitchy and got a little lazy with his stage movements. The INXS asked him how he feels singing an INXS song. As evidenced by his brown eyes, he was full of shit with his answer, comparing it to the impossibility of describing a favorite summer as a kid. Well, JD, let me take a crack at it. It was my first summer of puberty. My parents were never home, so we had keg parties all of the time. I was drunk every day, and Chrissie Hynde showed me what that hole was for. And that’s the abridged version. I could go on, but I have to get to bed. Admit it, you have no idea what is going on, do you, JD?

Ty- The One Thing. He had pits. I told you that’s why he holds the microphone that way. He stated he was excited and heartbroken to be in the bottom three. It's not easy being a living oxymoron. Just wait a little bit, you’ll wish you were in the bottom three next week. I’ve enjoyed Ty’s voice in every song until now (and maybe Everlong). He did not know how to sing this song. His phrasing was too direct and his voice lacked sensuality. Add to that his lyric flub and his oblivious smugness and you have a big pot of ‘uh oh’. The irony here is that he told the INXS that it was his soul that set him apart from the rest of the Rockers, yet I sensed absolutely no soul in his performance of this song, which happened to be an INXS song, I believe.

Brooke tricked Marty into believing he was number three, or do you say the holy ghost? Marty’s fans banned together to give him the most celebrated comeback since Jerry Stiller. It was Jordis nobody liked. It wasn’t Marty at all. That kooky Brooke.

Jordis - Listen Like Thieves. It was the best of times. It was the not so best of times, especially in the bridge. She held her own, but seemed a little unsure of what she was doing with the song. She may be able to sing it better with more rehearsal. That could be said for most on them. So, Jordis, what can you bring to the INXS? She didn’t know. C’mon, she’s only 23, for Crimean sakes. She doesn’t even know what she has to bring yet. Just bring your toothbrush, a dread comb and a change of underwear, the band will handle the rest. She said she’ll bring an open book (Sea Wolf by Jack London) and a young talent (Macaulay Culkin). What she would bring is a pretty darned unique voice. Can’t you guys hear? But, before I’d hire her, I’d give Angus Young a call and have him teach her how to move around a stage. She’s a little stoic.

Tim informed them that they all blow. At least tonight they did. He told them that this decision was very difficult for them, but it didn’t keep him from telling them how bad they were. Bitter sweet, I suppose. They couldn’t decide, so they let the Bozo arrows pick the loser. And the Bozo arrows pointed to TY!!!!. Based on tonight’s performance alone, I would agree. Overall, I would have booted JD (big shocker, huh?). Ty was devastated. It pained him to speak. Then he did it. He pulled the race card. He stated that his people are not sufficiently represented in rock ‘n roll. Unless he was talking about people with arm pit sweat and pointy mohawks, I assume he was talking about African-Americans. Basically, he insinuated that INXS’s motives in letting him go were tainted with racism. That’s a shame. I’m not saying it didn’t play a factor in their decision (I have no idea either way), but there has been no evidence of that being the case. It’s unfair to INXS, and it’s unfair to those that are truly hindered by racist actions. Maybe his deflated condition led him down that path. I don’t know. He finished by letting the other Rockers know how much they meant to him. Now, that was bitter sweet. I hope, after his emotions level off, he rethinks what he implied about race playing a role in the final decision. Unless, of course, he can show it really did. If that’s the case, I say whale on them.

I still think it should have been JD. It was the perfect time to launch him after Marty commanded that the drama should be left on the stage. This rendered the drama clown obsolete like Aunt Bea's chastity belt. The JD rash will remain for another week. Hopefully, the pharmacy will deliver the ointment by then.

Rock Star - Aug 30 Moist Rub

I see Brooke got the boots I sent her. I sent them to her as a joke. I never thought she’d actually wear them. I used to keep my petrified sausage collection in those boots. Yes, Dave, those boots weren’t made for walkin’. They were made to tell everyone, "Hey, look, I’m a big whorebag."

After the de ja vu period, the INXS confronted the Rockers with questions about their behavior at the recording session. They asked JD why he didn’t prepare for the song. He told them he wanted the INXS to tell him what to do like a bad little kitty. We told you to prepare for the song. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did. No, you didn’t. Yes, we did...this went on for approximately four hours. Luckily for us viewers at home, they cut most of that. They finally determined that JD’s problem was he didn’t know what "pre-empt" meant. Instead of asking Jordis why she messed with the melody, Andrew walked over to the rocker den and slapped her in the face, stating, "don’t mess with my shit." Marty was asked if he felt he compromised himself at all by following the direction of Andrew. He responded, "not as much as I did when you all made me blow you in the alley, that’s for sure." Remember that scene from Team America? Yeah, that was pretty funny. Marionettes having oral sex, who woulda thunk? Back to you, Brookie.

Ty - Can’t Always Get What You Want. I’m being haunted by the words of Sid. I can’t help but let Ty’s smug look irritate me whenever I watch him now. I am such an invertebrate (a proboscis worm, to be specific). Ty let us know that he is all about gospel and rock. Last week he was all about rock and dancing. Next week, if he’s still around, he’ll be all about de-evolution and plastic clothes, because he’ll be singing Whip It. Whip it good. His voice sounded swell, as usual. Maybe a bit over the top, but not too much. I enjoyed the performance except for the "What you need" phrases sung ala INXS and his acquiescent glance at the band. Gag me with a roofing shovel, dude. If the INXS respects that kind of pandering, then I have no respect for them. Nobody brought it up, so I assume it may have been cut, or the INXS wasn’t watching his performance since it was pretty much the same as his other ones.

JD - Suspicious Minds. I’m beginning to get the impression that JD wants to front this band. Although, sometimes I forget, so I’m glad he reminds us every goddam week. Isn’t it time for him to go back car, yet? What is wrong with the youth of America? That question was answered tonight when they zoomed in on a girl wearing an "I *heart* JD" t-shirt - they're morons. Where are those PETA sociopaths with their buckets of blood when we need them? They waste their time tormenting pelt-adorned, opulent hags, but there, on the sacred CBS studio floor is the real scourge of society! If that were my daughter, you can bet your bottom side of your ass that I’d make sure she’d get him to autograph the shirt so we can sell it on eBay. So JD, in is infinite wisdom, decided to exorcize his Elvis demons by singing an Elvis song in a performance that included the Elvis signature split-legged stance, the infamous Elvis sneer and the typical Elvis split fingered hand gesture. Way to deviate, dudeman. Wait a minute, he did do the pogo, too. Elvis never did the Pogo. He would have, but he feared puking fried banana sandwiches all over his sequened jump suit. Do you know how much those cost to clean? I think the Pogo is what did it. I could faintly see the spirit of Elvis leave JD’s body and enter MiG. But then the spirit of Elvis found there was not enough room inside of MiG since he was already possessed by the living spirit of Donny Osmond. So, the spirit of Elvis, attracted by the smell of sausage, hovered over to Brooke to hang out in her boots. The INXS bashed JD for his lack of elevation. He responded with sentence fragments about a monkey, and that was about it. I don’t like his voice.

What’s that marketing technique called when they place products in the middle of shows for advertising purposes? That’s right, it’s called bullshit. How could Levi’s cover up Brooke’s see-through shirt with their lame t-shirt. Ha! Your advertising ploy didn’t work, Mr. Straus. I’m not going to buy the Levi’s t-shirt; I’m going to by the see-through one, and sniff it.

Marty - Wish You Were Here. I don’t really wish Marty was here right now. The kids are asleep, I have nothing to serve and I have to work in the morning. How’s next weekend sound? Seems that Marty has learned to emote without screaming. Those Casey’s are so smart. I’d like to see one of the clinics be an episode of Jeopardy! I’m betting Marty walks away with it. Hey, Rafael, can I have your cool white strat? Is that a Jeff Beck or an EC? I think the choir was useless in this song and proved to be a distraction, if anything. Take a break on this one, church people, and let Marty ruminate with Floyd, man. Marty showed us yet another side of his voice. At one point on this blog, I think I stated that Marty’s versatility as a singer may be limited. He has proven to be the most versatile of the remaining contestants (and he has proven me a dumb ass). The other Rockers, except for JD, all sing well, but they usually sing their songs with the same approach. Well, maybe Jordis has some other flavors, but that’s about it. Marty’s been all over the place and has done well with most of it. The INXS and Dave gave Marty his props, and rightly so. Great, mate. There was one problem. What’s the deal, Aunt Betty gets a hug, and I got nuthin’ when I was out there cheering my heart out? I’m hurt.

Jordis - Imagine. Marty tried to inspire Jordis in her preparation with this song by sitting with her with his shirt off. It worked. Welcome back, Jordis. How was your time in Aerosmith hell? I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Jordis’ vocal prominence was accompanied by the return of our favorite INXSer, Garry Beers. He must have horked her muse and taken it with him. I do have bone, however. Normally, I dig chicks with guitars, but there was something about her strumming that made me feel uneasy. Maybe the guitar was too big. Maybe I was haunted by inappropriate memories of Charo. She told the INXS that she needed the guitar to help her "be the music". You’re not being the music, Danny. Well, it’s kind of hard with you talking like that. Jordis has such a sweet look on her face when she sings these kinds of songs. I, again, want her to sing to me while I give the dogs a bath. We now all know where Jordis gets her talent - her father is Dr. Funkenstein himself, George Clinton.

MiG - Live and Let Die. Yes, it is true what I said up there. The living spirit of Donny Osmond resides in the flesh of MiG. There’s also a little bit of Ethel Merman in there, too, but Donny doesn’t mind - he’s glad for the company. I wasn’t impressed with MiG’s take on this song. It sounded like he was attempting to mix the Paul version with the Axl version and ended up somewhere in the middle (Buster Poindexter). His voice was nasal and he was too Guys-and-Dolls-ish. Like in some of his earlier performances, this song kicked his ass to the point where he had to do a stage flop at the end of it. Save some for the encore, my man (but not this week). I agree with Kirk when he castigated MiG for singing through all of the instrumental portions of the song. It pissed me off, too. Well said, Kirk. Let’s do lunch and then we can see about getting you some contact lenses, before you turn into Roy Orbison. Did you see the french horn guy rocking out? I used to play french horn in the fifth grade. Had I known you could rock out with it, I wouldn't have minded getting spit all over my hand so much and would have probably stuck with it. French horn players don't usually get the chicks. That is why John Entwistle switched to the bass. It's a well known fact. Look it up.

Suzie - Bohemian Rhapsody. The song was almost over before I realized that I hadn’t taken any notes. I was enthralled, mostly because I was waiting for her to screw up (I wasn’t hoping she screwed up, I was ruing the possibility).(It’s not easy ruing possibilities.)(Most people don’t rue possibilities, but I do.)(Good girls don’t, but I do.)(How come they haven’t done any The Knack songs yet?) On his way out to meet me for lunch, Kirk told Suzie that this was the best performance - EVER. Even better than the Goo Goo Dolls on that one episode of Beverley Hills 90125. Or was it Melrose Place? Doesn’t matter - same thing. I think she is very good, and I’m this close to wanting to her to sing to me while I dry off the dogs.

On my way out to meet Kirk, they splashed the early low vote progress on the screen: JD, Ty and Marty. Take Marty out and put in Donny Osmond. (Would you forget the Donny Osmond for a moment?!). That’s what I think and hope will happen. I thought they were all wonderful, except JD, for the most part, but it’s throw-down time, so we gotta be mean. It's time to send JD far, far away.

So I meet Kirk at McDonalds and we both say to each other, "why are we meeting for lunch in the middle of the night?" Neither of us responded, because we knew deep down inside the answer was, "rock 'n roll, dude." Surprisingly, we couldn't find any 24 hour optometrist shops, but I did buy him a pair of paint ball goggles at Walmart to fit over his coke-bottle eye-glasses. It'll make him look a little better.

Rock Star - Aug 28 Belated Moist Rub

I don’t get it. Don’t they know that each week somebody gets sent home? Are they under the impression that they all get to live in the mansion forever, so when somebody gets nixed by the INXS it hits them like a vat of onions? Where is all of this anguish coming from? At the very worst, given their knowledge of how this process works, being bummed out should be the extent of their emotional outpouring, which should be easily suppressed with a few beers and some cranked tunage . Sitting around listening to a morose song by the deceased is never going to help. It’s not like they are never going to see these people again. The goddam show ends in a few weeks. How do these people behave when something horrific happens, like when the bowling alley is out of your shoe size? Hide the Harakiri knives.

After the Deanna lamentation was finally over, thank Anu, Dave presented the Rockers with their next task - they were to cross the Bridge of Death, after first answering three questions from the old man from scene 24. It was either that or they had to lay down the vocals for the INXS’s new rad single, titled Us. I’m not sure which, I was biting my toenails at the time.

The fab five immediately started working together on the song, with MiG leading the way on the piano. They work so well together, MiG, Suzie, Ty, Jordis and Marty. If I were them, and I might be, I would give the INXS gig to JD, call Deanna back from her corner on Hollywood Boulevard, and form the new millennium version of the Brady Kids. Let’s see, Marty could be Greg, Deanna would be Marcia, Ty would be Peter, Suzie is Jan, MiG is Bobby, Jordis would be Cindy and Dave is Alice, of course. Garry Beers would be Sam the Butcher and bring the meat to DaveAlice, if you know what I mean. But then Ty’s voice would start changing and Marty would have to re-write the song so they don’t lose the loose change they put down to reserve the studio time.

Speaking of JD (I wasn’t, but I’m sure somebody was), I’ll have to side with his actions in this case. He took this opportunity to "put your foot into the future ass of INXS" (or something like that), as Dave put it, to take a nap. While he was dozing, the camera man placed a half full mug of beer on the music sheets of the new song on JD’s dresser and video taped him sleeping, with the mug of beer disgracing the genius of INXS looming in the foreground. This gave us all the impression that JD was dissing the integrity of the song by being too hammered to work on it. And we fell for it. They sure pulled the wool over my shorts on that one. The reason I take his side on this is that this is how I live my life. Naps take priority over just about everything but shitting. If you can’t do something half-ass, why do it all, right JD? If he keeps this up, he’ll be sitting next to me, working my 9 to 5 in the office of some heartless corporation. Actually, I work 8 to 4:30. More like 8:20 to 4:15, depending on traffic and boredom. At least it’s climate controlled, so my sweating is greatly reduced.

Eventually, they all tire themselves out and head to bed. All except Marty, that is. He stayed up to work on the song some more, because he had some ideas he didn’t want the others stealing. I notice that both MiG and Jordis like to go to bed fully clothed and with the lights on. Those crazy rock stars - always pushing the boundaries of sensible living.

The next morning they trip themselves to the studio for the recording session. Suzie goes first, but, oh no! - she’s got a throat full of phlegm (sure it’s phlegm). Like the warrior she is, she fights through her impediment (remember The Impediments with their song, Go Fuck Yourself? That was awesome.) to nail the song on her first take. Jon and Andrew are impressed, and one of them appears to say, "she has incredible pitch" - that’s what the subtitles said, anyway. I listened to it again with my eyes closed and I’m pretty sure he said, "she’s an incredible bitch", which I think was uncalled for and I’m going to write a letter. Jordis followed, and Andrew ended up punching her in the face for messing with his song. Jordis commented afterward that she hit it on the first take. Sure, she did, but she didn’t hit it the way they wanted her to. Next was Ty. I’m starting to agree with Sid that Ty is a cocky bastard. Although I do like the way he sings. They didn’t show much of him. Whatever, we’ve seen it before. Enter MiG and his Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark handbook. He proceeded to paste Marshmallow Fluff all over the song. The INXS seemed to enjoy it, especially Andrew, as he’s been known to spread Marshmallow Fluff on his twinkies. With some fine editing about the perils of being angry with songs of peace and understanding, they ushered Marty into the room. Jon and Andrew didn’t enjoy the "angry Marty" version of the song, so they asked him to change the key and chill out a bit. Which he did. And they were touched. Deeply. They also learned that Marty is fully capable of working with differing visions inside a band’s dynamics. He should put that on his resume. JD conferred with Jordis (I think) that he was just going to go in and sing it. How hard could it be, right? They showed him screwing up and admitting "My bad." It certainly wasn’t ours, dipshit, Andrew replied (edited out). The other Rockers mocked JD from the waiting room. That wasn’t very nice, but justified. I’m guessing he eventually pulled it off, and they are withholding that information from us so they can shock us later. I CAN’T WAIT!

Like Charly in Flowers For Algernon, they figured out that the cheese is always in the same place and finally beat the mouse to this week’s songs. Then they had sex with the hot Psychologist lady. Not much drama here, except that Suzie and MiG both wanted Bohemian Rhapsody. MiG suggested they mud wrestle for it. Suzie declined. I sense a boost in the ratings if that were to happen. In fact, I suggest this as a method of song selection for the rest of the shows. MiG eventually figured out that this song would doom him to the same fate as Deanna - the dreaded COMFORT ZONE!!! JD wasn’t as astute as he pounced on the Elvis song (Suspicious Minds) in the mousetrap. He’s gotta be a hired confederate in this show. How could anybody be that dumb? First he wings the INXS song, and now he chooses an obvious safety zone song for himself. I’m not buying it. The other songs are: Wish You Were Here (Marty), Live and Let Die (MiG), Can’t Always Get What You Want (Ty), Imagine (Jordis) and Dave will mix things up by performing his version of Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant.

At the end of the show, they showed Suzie having trouble with her song. She’ll pull it off; I’m not worried. They can’t trick me. I fell off the turnip truck weeks ago. Is it just me or does the House Band leader, Paul, act like his shit doesn’t stink? I’m tired of his cheeky musical suggestions. What do you know? If you’re so good, why aren’t you in a real band, like Wham? The show was nice enough to show us brief clips of the others rehearsing their songs so we would know which songs each are doing. I appreciate that. The producers care about me, I just know it.