Rock Star - Sept 11 Moist Rub

Why don’t they ever show what kind of food the Rockers get to eat? The camera moves around so much, I never get a good look at the food. I think MiG had some sort of torte on his plate. Marty wolfs his food so fast, it’s impossible to see what he eats. JD probably picks through the garbage, since that’s what he’s used to doing. I have no idea about Suzie, but if I had to make a guess - back bacon. The least they can do is post the daily menu on the web site. I want to know what it’s like to eat like a Rock Star. Can’t they put together a clinic for that? Andrew could conduct the clinic. In case you’re wondering what a loser blog writer feasts upon, I’m eating potato chips with French onion dip right now. And a Coke.

Instead of giving us a good gander at the grub, the show begins with the remaining Rockers back at the mansion lamenting the loss of Jordis. Marty is bummed out somethin’ fierce since Jordis was his soul mate. MiG claims to feel guilty for still being there. Maybe he should have tanked some of his performances to protect the others from getting nixed. OK, he doesn’t feel THAT guilty. Suzie weeps at the honor of being the only woman left. The others, besides JD jumped to console her, which is a mistake. She’s only looking for attention. They should ignore her whenever she cries so they don’t reinforce the sobbing behavior. She’ll never stop crying with that kind of support. This is the advice I give my kids: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at you. I truly believe that.

Hey look, Dave stopped by for a visit. Quick, make some Kool-Aid. He comments on how quiet the house is, which brings up a serious question. Why aren’t the tunes cranked up? Didn’t some of them win a boss new stereo system? What kind of lame-ass rockers are these people?

Dave presents the new clinic. Being in a rock band is all about chemistry. This week’s clinic will be in the lab to see how well they can work with such topics as beaker washing techniques, the Aufbau Principle, limiting reactants and which orbital is right for The INXS, being sure to keep their safety goggles on at all times. Following the lab each rocker would be asked to sit with The INXS for a debriefing interview.

JD entered the interview room first. Prior to entering, he declared to be 100% honest. Too late, JD. As the boy who cried wolf learned, once you start flinging the bullshit, the only way to get out of it is to be eaten by a mountain goat (I don’t remember exactly how the story goes). Speaking of carnivorous bovines, JD’s mother and sister popped over to the mansion. They were in the neighborhood for a Tupperware party. JD was overjoyed. He gushed from all orifices. We learned that JD came from a broken home, which is why he was living in his car, and that he had to de-fragment his computer sometime soon. They didn’t show very much of JD’s interaction with his family, which leads me to believe that the producers don’t care too much about it, which further leads me to believe that I don’t, either. In the interview, The INXS asked JD if he had any naked pictures of his sister, to which they expected him to say "no", so they could finish off the joke by asking if he’d like to buy some. However, JD foiled their attempt since he already had some with him. These weren’t wallet sized photos. The photos he had were normal snap shots. Who carries around snap shots of their sister in their pocket? Somethin’ just ain’t right with that boy. The INXS confronted JD regarding his cockiness and bravado. JD pleaded for mercy since it was due to his insecurity and asked for sympathy and a pat on the head and a dog bone. They continued by asking some useless questions about his controversial behavior and disrupting the mojo of the band. How do they expect him to answer these questions? "Yes, INXS, I’m looking to fuck with you guys, screw your wives and detune your guitars. Can I still be in your band?" Before they released him, The INXS gave JD an envelope containing this week’s songs. They were Money by Pink Floyd and Pretty Vegas. I think The INXS hates me. Why the hell do we need to see that song again? Are they hoping it will finally be entertaining on the third time?

MiG went in next. The INXS’ issue with him was his sappy niceness for all things carbon-based. MiG appreciated their questions and suggested they have a group hug. They addressed his theatric career, which consisted of, among others, Rent, West Side Story, Grease and some live sex shows in Amsterdam. If I were him, I would have withheld everything but the live porn. They also asked him if he’d ever been in a band. He named a few band names such as Blaine and the Beaters (he was Blaine), The Sniveling Bores, Ass Krack and McCutcheon (he was Ass Krack) and a power trio called Mignition (another piece of information I would have withheld if I hadn’t already killed myself for having any association with it). MiG also had to answer to his unbearable knack of cooperating instead of asserting himself. His answer was that he asserts cooperation. When you don’t have a good answer, try to confuse the interviewer so they move on. It worked. The INXS gave MiG his songs: Kiss From A Rose (?) And Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones (which is a song frequently covered by the Lovehammers - and they do it beauty). The expectation is that MiG will be able to use PIB to demonstrate his hardcore edge, sugar-coated with assertive cooperation. The INXS mentioned in their internal discussion about MiG that if they chose the MiGnition path, they would have some work to do to dilute his theatric pansiness. It would be easier if they transformed their show into Mama Mia:INXS to accommodate MiG.

Enter Marty. I’m not sure what happened here. Marty turned the interview around. They discussed Marty’s growth through the show and tried to coerce him into cowering, but Marty didn’t take the bait. "Look," he said, "this is where I’m going. Are you going to follow or would you rather baby sit JD for a year. I’m done with you douchebags. If you need me, I’ll be out way paving." They answered with a simple "yes, sir" and asked him if he needed an extra pillow. His songs are Creep by Radiohead and Trees. I have two issues with these choices. First, Radiohead and Live are the same band. This song is not going to show us anything new from Marty, seeing that he’s already learned from his mistakes on the Live song (mistakes from the INXS perspective, not his own). Second, while I like Trees a lot, what is the point of doing it again? How about another original? He’s got others ya know. I don't think the INXS knows what they are doing, or they don't care, and the reperformance of this song, and JD's song, is a silly marketing ploy.

Finally, Suzie entered the grill room. She went in fretting and blathering. That’s how I go into all of my job interviews. Explains why I’m still working at the same place for 16 years. SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! Oops, sorry about that. Sometimes the monotony gets to me. The INXS admires her strength and her tenacity, but questioned her ability to maintain her composure under pressure, specifically media pressure. Blather, stammer and yammer, excuse me, Suzie, did you say somethin?. "That’s our point, exactly." True, she is not adept at expressing herself verbally. It doesn’t mean she can’t sing. What are they looking for, a lead singer or a PR mouthpiece? If that's the case, I think Tony Danza is available. They then asked her about her vision of the band’s musical future. She told them that since it’s not broken, there’s no need to fix it so they should continue from where they left off, which is another way of saying that she has absolutely no thoughts on where the band should go. Just tell me what to sing and when I can work a good cry into a song. At this point, I dozed off a little, so I don’t know if they informed us of Suzie’s songs. So, I'll take a guess: Mr. Roboto and the Theme From Eight Is Enough.

When I woke up, the band, INXS, was deliberating. Between the accents and the mumbling, I couldn’t understand half of what the fuzzy foreigners were saying. As far as I could tell, they think Suzie needs help in the media big top but has a super strong voice. JD is full of crap, but has vulnerability in his eyes and could be misunderstood. Plus, he’s a fun guy to have around, so they could make him a roadie. MiG and Marty are focused. MiG doesn’t seem natural, but he does look like a rock star, so maybe they can hire him out for the photo shoots. Marty has a spine. That’s probably a good thing.

During this quiet time of deliberation, they intertwined scenes of the Rockers living the mansion life. JD surprised everyone with a cake that looked like a pair of butt cheeks. Suzie jumped in and took a big bite out of it. Seems like she’s had experience with this. Give me a call sometime, Suze. This is one nourishment nugget we do know about Rock Stars. Apparently, they are really into cake.