Sunday, September 11, 2005

Rock Star - Sept 11 Moist Rub

Why don’t they ever show what kind of food the Rockers get to eat? The camera moves around so much, I never get a good look at the food. I think MiG had some sort of torte on his plate. Marty wolfs his food so fast, it’s impossible to see what he eats. JD probably picks through the garbage, since that’s what he’s used to doing. I have no idea about Suzie, but if I had to make a guess - back bacon. The least they can do is post the daily menu on the web site. I want to know what it’s like to eat like a Rock Star. Can’t they put together a clinic for that? Andrew could conduct the clinic. In case you’re wondering what a loser blog writer feasts upon, I’m eating potato chips with French onion dip right now. And a Coke.

Instead of giving us a good gander at the grub, the show begins with the remaining Rockers back at the mansion lamenting the loss of Jordis. Marty is bummed out somethin’ fierce since Jordis was his soul mate. MiG claims to feel guilty for still being there. Maybe he should have tanked some of his performances to protect the others from getting nixed. OK, he doesn’t feel THAT guilty. Suzie weeps at the honor of being the only woman left. The others, besides JD jumped to console her, which is a mistake. She’s only looking for attention. They should ignore her whenever she cries so they don’t reinforce the sobbing behavior. She’ll never stop crying with that kind of support. This is the advice I give my kids: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at you. I truly believe that.

Hey look, Dave stopped by for a visit. Quick, make some Kool-Aid. He comments on how quiet the house is, which brings up a serious question. Why aren’t the tunes cranked up? Didn’t some of them win a boss new stereo system? What kind of lame-ass rockers are these people?

Dave presents the new clinic. Being in a rock band is all about chemistry. This week’s clinic will be in the lab to see how well they can work with such topics as beaker washing techniques, the Aufbau Principle, limiting reactants and which orbital is right for The INXS, being sure to keep their safety goggles on at all times. Following the lab each rocker would be asked to sit with The INXS for a debriefing interview.

JD entered the interview room first. Prior to entering, he declared to be 100% honest. Too late, JD. As the boy who cried wolf learned, once you start flinging the bullshit, the only way to get out of it is to be eaten by a mountain goat (I don’t remember exactly how the story goes). Speaking of carnivorous bovines, JD’s mother and sister popped over to the mansion. They were in the neighborhood for a Tupperware party. JD was overjoyed. He gushed from all orifices. We learned that JD came from a broken home, which is why he was living in his car, and that he had to de-fragment his computer sometime soon. They didn’t show very much of JD’s interaction with his family, which leads me to believe that the producers don’t care too much about it, which further leads me to believe that I don’t, either. In the interview, The INXS asked JD if he had any naked pictures of his sister, to which they expected him to say "no", so they could finish off the joke by asking if he’d like to buy some. However, JD foiled their attempt since he already had some with him. These weren’t wallet sized photos. The photos he had were normal snap shots. Who carries around snap shots of their sister in their pocket? Somethin’ just ain’t right with that boy. The INXS confronted JD regarding his cockiness and bravado. JD pleaded for mercy since it was due to his insecurity and asked for sympathy and a pat on the head and a dog bone. They continued by asking some useless questions about his controversial behavior and disrupting the mojo of the band. How do they expect him to answer these questions? "Yes, INXS, I’m looking to fuck with you guys, screw your wives and detune your guitars. Can I still be in your band?" Before they released him, The INXS gave JD an envelope containing this week’s songs. They were Money by Pink Floyd and Pretty Vegas. I think The INXS hates me. Why the hell do we need to see that song again? Are they hoping it will finally be entertaining on the third time?

MiG went in next. The INXS’ issue with him was his sappy niceness for all things carbon-based. MiG appreciated their questions and suggested they have a group hug. They addressed his theatric career, which consisted of, among others, Rent, West Side Story, Grease and some live sex shows in Amsterdam. If I were him, I would have withheld everything but the live porn. They also asked him if he’d ever been in a band. He named a few band names such as Blaine and the Beaters (he was Blaine), The Sniveling Bores, Ass Krack and McCutcheon (he was Ass Krack) and a power trio called Mignition (another piece of information I would have withheld if I hadn’t already killed myself for having any association with it). MiG also had to answer to his unbearable knack of cooperating instead of asserting himself. His answer was that he asserts cooperation. When you don’t have a good answer, try to confuse the interviewer so they move on. It worked. The INXS gave MiG his songs: Kiss From A Rose (?) And Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones (which is a song frequently covered by the Lovehammers - and they do it beauty). The expectation is that MiG will be able to use PIB to demonstrate his hardcore edge, sugar-coated with assertive cooperation. The INXS mentioned in their internal discussion about MiG that if they chose the MiGnition path, they would have some work to do to dilute his theatric pansiness. It would be easier if they transformed their show into Mama Mia:INXS to accommodate MiG.

Enter Marty. I’m not sure what happened here. Marty turned the interview around. They discussed Marty’s growth through the show and tried to coerce him into cowering, but Marty didn’t take the bait. "Look," he said, "this is where I’m going. Are you going to follow or would you rather baby sit JD for a year. I’m done with you douchebags. If you need me, I’ll be out way paving." They answered with a simple "yes, sir" and asked him if he needed an extra pillow. His songs are Creep by Radiohead and Trees. I have two issues with these choices. First, Radiohead and Live are the same band. This song is not going to show us anything new from Marty, seeing that he’s already learned from his mistakes on the Live song (mistakes from the INXS perspective, not his own). Second, while I like Trees a lot, what is the point of doing it again? How about another original? He’s got others ya know. I don't think the INXS knows what they are doing, or they don't care, and the reperformance of this song, and JD's song, is a silly marketing ploy.

Finally, Suzie entered the grill room. She went in fretting and blathering. That’s how I go into all of my job interviews. Explains why I’m still working at the same place for 16 years. SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! Oops, sorry about that. Sometimes the monotony gets to me. The INXS admires her strength and her tenacity, but questioned her ability to maintain her composure under pressure, specifically media pressure. Blather, stammer and yammer, excuse me, Suzie, did you say somethin?. "That’s our point, exactly." True, she is not adept at expressing herself verbally. It doesn’t mean she can’t sing. What are they looking for, a lead singer or a PR mouthpiece? If that's the case, I think Tony Danza is available. They then asked her about her vision of the band’s musical future. She told them that since it’s not broken, there’s no need to fix it so they should continue from where they left off, which is another way of saying that she has absolutely no thoughts on where the band should go. Just tell me what to sing and when I can work a good cry into a song. At this point, I dozed off a little, so I don’t know if they informed us of Suzie’s songs. So, I'll take a guess: Mr. Roboto and the Theme From Eight Is Enough.

When I woke up, the band, INXS, was deliberating. Between the accents and the mumbling, I couldn’t understand half of what the fuzzy foreigners were saying. As far as I could tell, they think Suzie needs help in the media big top but has a super strong voice. JD is full of crap, but has vulnerability in his eyes and could be misunderstood. Plus, he’s a fun guy to have around, so they could make him a roadie. MiG and Marty are focused. MiG doesn’t seem natural, but he does look like a rock star, so maybe they can hire him out for the photo shoots. Marty has a spine. That’s probably a good thing.

During this quiet time of deliberation, they intertwined scenes of the Rockers living the mansion life. JD surprised everyone with a cake that looked like a pair of butt cheeks. Suzie jumped in and took a big bite out of it. Seems like she’s had experience with this. Give me a call sometime, Suze. This is one nourishment nugget we do know about Rock Stars. Apparently, they are really into cake.


Anonymous said...

y'know, I was wondering about the food myself. My guess is that white bread and cheez whiz are the staples du jour. Anyway, that's what we viewers get served up every Sunday. Geez, people, it's cable...why does all the fun always revolve around cake ?! I'm saving up my nickels and dimes for the sure to be released internet tapes of the rockers snoozing (and hopefully....keeps fingers and toes crossed...floozing). They have cameras on them 24 hours a day don't they ?!Surely they do more than eat and whine.

Sid F'er said...

I had a pretty good grouper sandwich tonight but it didn't make me feel like a rock star, so I'm guessing that's not on the menu at the mansion.

Maybe MBP needs to somehow combine RS w/ the Iron Chef next season. Let the next batch of rockers decide whether Emeril or Chef Ramsey make the best asscake.

dalebud said...

"Kiss by a Rose" is by Seal from the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. They must not pipe Lite-FM into your workplace.

Devious D said...

MR, you totally earned your psych degree tonite. Please let's do ignore Suzie and her crying and her "I'm going to be so crappy at this" blather before she goes in and nails a performance. (Oh, except she didn't do that hot at the interview tonite.) Her singing's good--and I'm starting to think the best for OBINXS--but she's having a hard time holding up under the pressure of the show, not to mention world tour.

And are they really worried about the rocker they choose not being able to hold up under the first media blitz? What's the big deal? If the first choice does a Chapelle, just go with the first runner up.

And please, yes, let's not hear that ridiculous Pretty Suzanne Vega song again. Though from what I heard while watching the show, OBINXS actually said the public wanted to hear it again. What public would that be? Then again, I'm the mistress of misheard lyrics, so don't trust me.

Thanks for the always entertaining blog coverage...

Mack the Fork said...

So that's where my trench coat and binoculars went. Good job Moist.

213 said...

Sid F'er sleeps with the fishes?

I believe that on the Rock Star menu it is a Groupie Sandwich.

Almost had one once (in an alternate reality tv), but I'm no Keith Moon, or Keith Richards for that matter, who I heard on the radio this morning is a model father, (or at least the father of a model).

Leslie said...

Just found this blog (late to the party) but your writing is hilarious. Keep up the good work!

jacquie said...

I laughed so hard i almost peed my pants. I may not agree with you but love your humor!!

Bogey McDuff said...

I've got a theory on why they gave J.D. and Marty songs we've already heard. A pretty good one, I think: because they've narrowed it down to those two, and one of those songs will be their first single. I wrote it about it on my Eclectoblog (check my profile if you want to get to the post).

Anonymous said...

I luv your blog. You guys are so funny. Luv the idea
of mama mia: INXS!

what r you gonna write about after the show's over next week??

L A Ray said...

I believe MR will go back to reviewing the Saturday moring cartoon line up. He has done that for the past 21 years or so. I'm hoping that he will add coverage of the late night Adult Swim. Love those Family Guy re-runs.

Anonymous said...

Moist and Sid, where have you been all my life? Or, more accurately, where have I been while this hilariousity has brightened the lives of so many others? (So the correct word is hilarity, so sue me. I like my word better. =P)

By the way, Sid, RockStar: Iron Chef is the most wonderful idea I've ever heard. As long as they can get the original Chairman Kaga & Co. The Iron Chefs go on tour with a rock band and within one hour try to pander to their specific food demands. "The mystery ingredient for today is..... Zantrex-3!"

Anonymous said...

I have not laughed so hard in over a month! Awesome, awesome, I bet the band would even dig it - thank you for the beautiful artwork, reality TV, you nailed it

Martha Quinn said...

I don't think that the one guy would enjoy all of the 'twinkie' comments that Moist heaps upon him.

What made you laugh hard a month ago?

L A Ray said...


Elliot tell us about your new album.

Holiday pickles, what could be more fun.

Sid F'er said...

We'll probably write about whatever we damn well please after this ends, but I am kind of curious what might keep RS fans coming back.
Keep in mind that we don't typically watch much TV, especially reality TV, and already have plans to take turns kicking Marty's ass for getting us sucked into this.

.TK. said...

i love how everyone was so distraught about jordis' departure except suzie:
Mig:(consoles suzie)It's okay, we all miss Jordis.
Suzie:(stops her snibbling and looks up)Jordis?.. who?... oh naw fuck that bitch.. I'm just Sooo honored!

... that being said... i still hope she wins.

post scriptum:oh and can suzie please stop talking about being the only female in the mansion? i mean MiG's still there isn't he?

Anonymous said...

Sid, got it all wrong! If you wanna feel like a rawker, y'gotta go totally raw.

Thanks to my skills I found the answer to all your questions. Well regarding rockstar grub that is....

Mig had a nice piece of tuna sushi on his plate and then a fancy torte thingy (i.e. cake without frosting)then magically the sushi appeared again.

"You mean the conversation doesn't happen in the order it's presented on tv ?!" I'm so disillusioned.

Well at least I can count on you guys to present it like it is!


Mack the Fork said...

Hey Kristy, nice job developing sushi-dating as a forensic technique. I'll look for it on the next episode of CSI:Rock Star Mansion

L A Ray said...

Way to dissect the video replay! I can't believe they'd edit it. Seems to take the reality out of reality TV, leaving us with.... yep just plain ol' TV. Next thing you know they will edit the Jerry Lewis telethon, sports, and SNL.

Anonymous said...

they should edit the Jerry Lewis telethon right out of existence...oops *covers mouth w/ hand*... did I just say that ?!

Does anyone know where I can get a copy of the cake fight/orgy episode ? I'd love to dissect that!!!! Sadly I missed it. That is why I saw the sushi episode so many times...I was hoping to catch the other one.


Anonymous said...

Jerry Lewis made love to a cake? He told me it was frosting!

ed mcmahon

L A Ray said...

Kristy - Shame shame! It's not like you are required to watch the telethon. On the other hand, if it pre-empts your favorite re-runs of Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Angel or (insert syndicated show here) now I could see you needed an edit. Why that could make someone hopping mad. With all that hopping one might think it was Easter or something. Gosh what if they edit Easter? It's that a holiday special, The Year Without An Easter Bunny? Guess it's editing or buying Buffy on DVD!

Anonymous said...

Actually, the more appropriate term I believe is fisting, Ed *wink*. Watch out for that creme's a bitch to get outta the carpeting. I'm holding out for the uncut A Night at the Easter Bunny's dvd. I hear it ain't pretty.

Speaking of pretty...just saw the concert show. I hate to say it but JD rawked the house. Still I voted for Marty. It's like Goofus and Galiant...ya wanna reward the hard-working nice guy.


thanks everyone for making me laugh!

Jules said...

Hmmmm... J.D. as Goofus I can totally see. Marty as Galiant takes a little work...

P.S. Kristy and Mack, I'll be waiting for CSI: Rock Star to debut. Sushi-dating forensics makes me think I missed my calling.

Martha Quinn said...

My name is not Elliot and I don't know any songs about pickles.

Anonymous said...

Sid F'er:
I think some ass kicking of Marty is definitely in order - it was indirectly his fault that I got hooked on watching (cringe) reality tv. Perhaps a big group ass kicking of leper poppers would be a good event (beats the hell out of a group hug don't ya think)
As for what to write about after the show - seems like you guys could make pretty much anything funny & entertaining, how about song lyrics - I heard a song the other day ".. this is a rock song ... where are we .. we are in rockland wonderland" - I think it's by Kim Mitchell - hearing it made me want to throw a rock at my own head

AMAI said...

I am kind of curious what might keep RS fans coming back.

How about America's Next Top Model? There's a new cycle starting in a week or two. Really soon, in other words. Lots of hot chicks posing and whatnot. You guys would have a ton of fun with that!

This was the first LeperPop entry I ever read and it hooked me right away. I couldn't have selected a better time to check you guys out. I needed a massive dose of comedy to take my mind off worrying about Marty this week and that "Creep" song.

Who knew I should have worried more about hearing "Trees" so much it would feel like 97 EZrock on the FM dial.

I love that you wondered about the food and I'm surprised I really didn't.

However, I do wonder about the obsession with cake. Anyone else think of that one Seinfeld episode set in Elaine's office? Just me?

Sid F'er said...

amai -
welcome to our world. sometimes i go back and read old comments, but if you want it read just post on the latest. nobody really cares whether it's relevant or not.
yes, you are the only one thinking about seinfeld.
thanks for the ANTM suggestion, but remember we hate TV and having to watch it. as we've alluded to before, we're kicking marty's ass after the show is over for getting us sucked into this. but maybe i'll give a shot anyway. it's only an hour and i might catch a nipple slip.