Brooke had to attend a pajama party after the show. That is why she was dressed like that. That’s right, the pajama party was in my pants. I’ve never liked that look. Even the fabulous Brooke Burke can’t pull off that lingerie look as far as I’m concerned. Before tonight I thought my disdain for the pajama style was because I only saw fat chicks wearing those things. Do people follow fashion trends blindly, or do they actually take the time to determine if it looks stupid or not? That’s a rhetorical question. All fashion trends look stupid. Not now, you may think, but they will. Look at all those people cringing at pictures of themselves in the seventies. At the time, they looked cool (or thought so, anyway), and so did the mullet-headed, Members Only parachute-pantsed butt knobs in the eighties. In retrospect they all look like gooftards. Gooftardity is timeless and requires only some perspective to detect. When you have your head up the ass of the in crowd, it’s hard to have perspective. Yes, I’m talking about you capris donning ladies and you goatee growing men. I’ll tell you this much - if decorative moose horns ever come into fashion, I’m going to be a rich, rich man. Maybe I can get Brooke to wear a pair on the next show. The glittered-chiffon one with spikes will bring out her eyes. T-shirts and jeans will never look out of time, that is why I never look any more bombastic than my face betrays.
They saved us from the extended recaps and discussion. Thank you. Let’s move on to the rockin’, shall we?
JD - Come as You Are. JD dug deep down into his soul for this one. Never before had I seen him perform so existentially. It was as if his amped down version of this song was communicating from his soul directly to my soul. I felt naked with him (humanistically, not homosexually). When he connected it back to real time with his charged ending, it was like he brought me back home, placed me in my bed, pulled the covers up over me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. As if that wasn’t enough, JD furthered his emotional manipulation with his heart-gutty Pretty Vegas. If this song is not a hit within a month, there is something excruciating wrong with our society. His vocals made me forget I ever had an issue with his voice before this. They should have ended the show right then and there. If I were the other Rockers, I would have walked back to the dressing room.
I’m lying of course. All I could think about while he was bunnying around on stage was the image of his monumental arrow head necklace bounding up and piercing his skull. He claimed his original song is about searching for something and then finding out it "ain’t all it’s cracked up to be." Hmmm. Can anybody in the class correlate that statement with JD’s incessant desire to be the new frontman of the INXS? Hmmmm. We’re sorry JD, if that’s how you feel, you’re just not right for our race, human. Kirk made a statement about the JD being back. No, Kirk, it’s been the same shit JD the whole time. That was you who left to take a leak. Remember, you wiped your hands on Dave’s goatee.
Suzie - I Can’t Make You Love Me. How come Dave didn’t give Suzie the same sap he gave Deanna about not believing she would have that problem with any man? Suzie’s cute enough, ain’t she? I mean this in a good way - Suzie’s voice sounded like a mix between Sade and Ann Wilson. Velvety, yet powerful. Crustacean, yet cephalopod. Ra, yet Ka. Lovely. Suzie then took us on a bus ride to the nearest adult contemporary radio station with her song, Soul Life. She described the song as a plea to stay true to yourself. And to be true to your school. Just like you would to your girl or guy. The song was commendable - I could give it a ride or leave it by the side of the road after swerving at it just to acknowledge its presence. Although, it teetered on the lounge end of the spectrum. What made it for me was her voice. She’s got a way she plays with her textures and her tonality and her timbres and her fermata and her other musical terms that hooks me in like a revolting vaudevillian. I do have one criticism. To gain favor with the judges, it’s probably not a good idea to dedicate your song to the guy they told to get lost last week. Just a suggestion. But, flashes of her creamy white inner thigh helped. Well done.
MiG - Hard To Handle. I don’t want to perpetuate a Brady Bunch reference trend, but I must. There is no other way. MiG’s hair looks like that of Mrs. Brady during the "Oliver season". I never liked it on her, and I don’t like it on MiG. On Joey Heatherton? Hell, yes! The more I see of MiG the more he seems like he’s forcing it on stage. His voice is good enough. He has great range. It seems like he’s trying to do what he thinks he should be doing up there instead of just doing it. It’s no different than when Nancy Reagan told us "Just Do Drugs". She had no idea what she was saying. She was merely trying to fit the part of Ronny’s first sack mate. MiG doesn’t know how to rock. He acts like he’s trying to rock. After getting reprimanded last week for singing over the instrumentals, MiG had to jam the microphone up Rafael’s ass to keep himself from singing during the guitar solo. I think that made Rafael play a little faster. Then, like Suzie, MiG took us somewhere special, too. To the prom, with his song, Home In Me. This song reminded me of every generic ballad played at a prom where you are looking deeply into your date’s eyes trying to figure out if you’re going to get lucky or not. Only, at the prom you’re concentrating so much on what kind of moves you plan to make, you don’t even hear the goddam song. We weren’t so lucky tonight (although I was trying to figure out which hand to use tonight to...nevermind). To make it worse, this song is about a dead guy. Did he go to high school prom with Carrie OR WHAT?!?! OK, I’ll admit it. I didn’t go to the prom in high school. I was at home listening to the Scorpions’ Lonesome Crow album in my headphones and sniffing Lemon Pledge. Pretty much the same thing, though.
The INXS and/or Dave, in reference to a number of the Rockers’ original songs, brought up the question of whether or not the songs were that of the INXS. What’s the point? Look, if I could write INXS songs, what the hell would we do with Andrew? If we lose him, the tour bus will get overgrown with Twinkies, and we’ll be marooned in Paducah. I ask you, the INXS, is that what you want?
Jordis - We Are the Champions. She needs to talk to Suzie to learn how to keep her vocal strength in the quieter parts of the songs. Jordis can belt out with the best of them. She needs some coaching to get her through the rest of the song. Having said that, her performance was better than JD’s with the same song. Healthiest Pork Rind Award goes to her. Jordis’s original song was titled, Try Not. I liked it. I thought it was the best original up to that point. The look on Marty’s face when Jordis claimed he helped her write the song was, "Hey bitch, don’t bag this on me." Note: I wrote down "Fiona Apple" in my notes before Dave referenced her. I get a point for that. I own two Fiona Apple cds (does she have more?). What Jordis did with her song is what I’ve been screaming at Fiona to do. Crank it out, baby! You don’t have to remain mired in the depths of self-deprecating indulgence on every song. Life isn’t that horrible. Come out and play, little one. Little Fiona. It’s fun out here if you want it to be. I would not turn the station if I heard this Unga-song on the radio - especially if Suzie helps her out with how to effectively sing the verse. Dave was pretty blunt with Jordis, and rightly so. I’ve said this before, Dave has come into is own as a rock mentor. His points have been relevant and poignant lately. I think he was holding his tongue early on when he had to sit through all the crap performances. Jordis may be withering under all of this pressure. She didn’t deny it when they confronted her.
Marty - Everlong. He turned acoustic, once again. I don’t think he needed to. He could have used the same vocal over an electric support and made a more powerful statement. I could barely hear the guitars. At the very least, Paul could have laid down a little piano flirt in the background. That would have been righteous. Still, Marty’s voice sounded awesome. Vociferous, yet Harpo-Marxian. Armenian, yet Swiss. And, yes, Ra, yet Ka. As in RaKa. Most people don’t know this, but that is where the term "rocker" is derived. Marty followed up with his song, Trees, about a man trying to talk a woman into falling in love with him. It didn’t work, which led to the whole Murder On My Mind album (luckily for us). Where was the guitar solo? I was expecting a guitar solo. There was no guitar solo. I can’t believe there was no guitar solo. Every other time I heard this song, there was a guitar solo. No, really. I was disappointed. I was interested in hearing how Rafael would do it. Maybe I’ll call him and ask him to play it for me over the phone. Maybe I'm thinking of a different song. Yes, that's it, I was thinking about Eruption. Marty won tonight. He may not have won the INXS gig, but he won a future music career for damn sure. I’m going to miss him. I’m guessing he won’t be drinking at The Valley at 3 in the morning anytime soon after this. Oh well, they’ll still have Jack Daniels there.
Brooke gave us a glimpse of the early voting trend. Marty led the way, with Suzie on his ass, JD hanging on to her hair, MiG dodging the JD chips after him, and Jordis, with a distant look on her face, drifting behind. I’m betting the bottom three stay the same, maybe not in that order, unless the JDidiots coagulate and stop JD’s bleeding, which would drop Suzie down. I think it may be time for Jordis to head back to Minnesota, eh.