Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Rock Star Finale - Sid

So in tonight’s episode we found out that Maggie won the half million dollars and will front our band, INXS. Actually, I forgot I was on the east coast and tuned in an hour early by mistake. I thought Brooke was looking a little more Asian than usual.

Bad hairstyle, Brooke – I had a similar one back in 7th grade.

Then the parade of rocker rejects. They only showed up because Mark Burnett promised them asscake and a group shower. Except for Ty, who thought that OBINXS would realize the error of their ways, apologize for all humankind, and choose him to lead their band, INXS. Boy, were they fooled.

Brooke, Dave, OBINXS, the house band, and the old guy in the audience wearing the Docker’s shirt all reminded us that there can only be one winner and that winner would be chosen tonight.

Dave finally ran out of stuff to say, panicked, and stole Brooke’s “raise your hand” bit. The rockers were caught offguard and all raised their hands to predict a victory. Brooke, not knowing what to say since the hand raising was done, reacted like a true professional and used her time to present a moving tribute to New Orleans in haiku form.

JD’s joke about living in his car would have been much better if he had included Moist Rub’s bit about his mom banging somebody upstairs. JD probably gets that fat, hairy Bruce guy from Hollywood Squares to write his material.

Hammer Time.

MiG reminded us again that he left a very successful stage career in London. I once dated a girl that had an unsuccessful stage career. I guess if you don’t have to set up the folding chairs before the performance you can consider it successful. The highlight of her resume was co-headlining with a guy in dancing bear outfit at some children’s theater. Just like tonight’s rockers, she claims she made it to the final three audition for the show My Two Dads that Paul Reiser did before he broke up with the liberal, cool dad and hooked up with Helen Hunt. But I digress.

Bohemian Rhapsody: Goddam, I miss Suzie. Back in the reject den, Brandon and Neal started a sing-a-long of Caught Up In You that was more enthralling than what was going on onstage. Mig just lost the privilege to further capitalize the “g” in his name. At best he sounded like a sorority girl getting assaulted at the local frat house. OBINXS gave him some polite applause, much like one might find at a luncheon where a local businessman is receiving a plaque for donating a 19” TV to the youth baseball raffle.

I missed the intro to JD’s song because a friend called from the Dallas Stars game to find out if Marty won. Perhaps I’ll call her from the next Lovehammers show to find out if the Stars won the game after the first intermission.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want: My first place was a studio apartment that had a shower, kitchenette, and bed all within arm’s reach depending on which way you faced. It was really a decent arrangement, much like JD’s song. Some acapella stuff, a little acoustic stuff, and then some manic stuff after he launched from his stool as if a rodent had started to burrow up his ass. JD learned a lot from Dan Akroyd at this week’s stage dancing clinic and I could easily see him making the transition from Elvis impersonator to Elwood Blues impersonator with some harp lessons from Suzie. Ty stewed in the reject den over the preference given to guttural white boys in rock n’ roll.

We saw Marty’s transition from the mad conductor to the savvy performer. True. Marty talked about how the most potent performance is to stand still and sing. Less is more. Marty is smart guy so I think he realizes that’s all true in the context of this show. I’m sure there are many elements that he can take away from the show, but I’m missing angry Marty a bit. Don’t tell KISS that less is more or try to convince Wendy O. Williams to stand still and sing. You’re probably wasting your time since I’m pretty sure KISS is broken up and I know the great Wendy O. Williams is dead.

Marty thinks he can carry the future of the band. Like the guy with the pick up truck that you want to help you move. Except OBINXS can hire professional movers and don’t need the guy with the pickup. They’re just looking for some people to come over after the move for the housewarming party and help them stock their bar.

Wish You Were Here: I think that Marty is probably responsible for some new Pink Floyd fans. Mr. Floyd should probably send some royalties his way. Another solid performance of the song – Jordis looked proudly on like a soccer mom plastering an honor roll sticker on the bumper of her Chevy Tahoe, Dana howled and passed a joint around the reject den, and Garry Beers fought to hold back the tears like at the end of a sad movie. Like Slapshot… when Reg holds out eternal hope for getting back together with his wife, but you know it just ain’t gonna happen. I cry every time.

Now the deliberations. Whatever. We all know they knew who they wanted going into the final show. But they played along…. “candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get rid of Mig!"

Tim gave us an amazingly touching speech, directed at the amazing rockers and their amazing talent, amazing effort, and the amazing moments they gave us over this amazing summer. But Mig was so amazingly wrong for a rock band, he was Mig-nanimously chosen to watch the rest of the show from the reject den. Dave shared the feelings of joy that overcame him watching Mig perform. That’s nice if I’m watching a telethon or the church choir, but not very rock n’ roll. Mig thanked his voters in Australia and the Philippines for allowing him to stay in the mansion and eat sushi, and told his fans of all other nationalities to suck his codpiece. He promoted the upcoming INXS tour as the “most amazing show on Earth” – which I believe is one step below the Ringling Brothers Circus which is bills itself as the greatest show on Earth.

The final audition – Marty and JD would see if the OBINXS still have what it takes to get out of their thrones and drag their aging rocker bodies to the stage to keep up with them.

Marty – Don’t Change: I’m ready for the show to be over. I like watching Marty perform, but I’m tired of seeing people trying to cover the same INXS songs over and over again. I still don’t think he’s roit for OBINXS.

JD - What You Need: Jon is wearing gardening gloves. I’m not sure if he just came in from tending to the roses or if he has lost the calluses on his hands after sitting in his throne too goddam long. JD decided to take a break in the middle of the most important performance of his life to have some water. Mig used to remind him to hydrate before performances, so he was a bit lost. I think he tried to order a grilled cheese, too, but the stagehands shooed him back onstage.

More fake deliberations. I doubt they waited until the final songs to base their decision on who smelled the least offensive under the hot stage lights.

Dave called this the best summer of his life. Unless he was getting Brooke to join him and Carmen in bed every week, I’d say he was lying to us. I was just starting to trust him, too.

The band said something about Kenny Chesney completing them and some sort of annulment. JD has passion and is amazing. Marty is riveting and amazing. And the winner is…. JD. JD cries, Marty makes out with Brooke, the band does shots of Geritol, and Dave ditches his little rocker buddies and goes back to hanging out with Jerry Cantrell.

Tim stops the madness to tells Marty to have his people call JD’s people about a possible opening gig. Marty smiles and nods politely the same way most people do when offered a sample of sheep brains.

JD joins his band, INXS, for their new hit Easy, Easy. Garry already looks nervously on at JD and has his people contacting Marty’s people about a spot in his band.

May we never have to see that damn Shakira commercial again.

A final serious note before I leave you tonight – thanks to everyone that’s stopped by LeperPop this summer. You can expect continuing commentary from LeperPop (scalping tickets to the great American freak show) and we hope you continue to visit even though the rockers have left the mansion. More thanks to Mrs. F’er for giving me the time to get these words down as it’s really taken time away from our quilting bees. And finally, special thanks to Moist Rub for joining me in this endeavor and taking it to a whole new level.


L A Ray said...

Great job Sid. Tip of the asshat to WAGG. We've missed him the last couple weeks, but he did call it.

Andree said...

Thanks Sid. Great job, as usual. I'll add my thanks to Ms. F'er's understanding nature. Hopefully she'll be just as understanding when you go on that world tour with INXS to write up the continuing blogs for the rest of us.

I KNEW you'd come up with something for the drink of water. I thought maybe he was leaving the building. Or that he was sure the song was over.

I liked MiG's theater performance and would gladly see him in the theater. I didn't care for Marty's performance tonight with INXS, but look forward to seeing him do well with the Lovehammers (I have got to stop writing Lovehandles).

J.D. Well, after seeing the performance, yeah, I guess he's the best they can do for their band. I still don't like him from earlier performances. But I did find his reaction touching.


Mehgs said...

Thanks for all the laughs. Glad to hear you guys will keep writing.

devious d said...

No, thank you, Sid, and you, Moist. I think you egged each other on to new levels.

I'm not sure about the rest of KISS, but ole Gene has his own slice of reality right now--Gene Simmons'Rock School, a reality-ization of School of Rock, the movie. (Why staid Brit parents would allow that guy near their children, I'll never understand.) Yours for the reviewing.

Gotta go sleep off my summer of INXS excess.

Hope you guys get some rest too--enjoy the bbq.

Anonymous said...

I have been a lurker but have decided to come out of the closet to tell you how much I have appreciated this blog. This and Marty's performances were the only reason I watched Rockstar. Your commentaries were priceless.


AMAI said...

Well, you guys, after RnR Barbie announced that everyone needs to send in their tapes to have a shot at being on this stage next time, my first thought was, "Yay! Something for Sid & Moist to write about!"

My first thought on JD crying = pageant winner. Where is RnR Barbie with a bouquet of roses?

Now to read the two reports and see if you thought something along those lines...

MiniDriver said...

Thanks for a great summer!

Moist Rub said...

For some reason, I keep hearing the Lovehammers' Better Off (Walk Away) over and over in my head.

I wonder what that means.

213 said...

Now that that crap is done, I believe that Sid recently alerted the media that there are other Lepers out here and that he and Moist were just running the publishing division.

Purely hypothetically, how would another Leper attain full "Contributor" status on "Leper Pop"?

Moist Rub said...

Sorry, 213, drudgery is not allowed on Leper Pop. How'd you like to clean the mud snake residue out of our toilets? The pay is the same.

notanonymousjustLinda said...

Guess the 'better' carbon copy won out after all. INXS wish to remain the same with a lackey to sing for them. They're a little bit frightened of MCMartyman's different direction and the Vegas strip seems more comfortable.

All is well that's to hoping that Lovehammers gets the boost they needed in order to become more reknowned. INXS goes up in the attic and I have a huge gaping hole to fill with future Lovehammers cds.

Guess I'll try looking in here periodically to see what's up. I have loved the humour here. It's been absolutely 'amazing'.

Love and Peace

213 said...

Who do you think has been cleaning it out for all these years?

If that's not cause for drudgery, I don't know my business.

Anonymous said...

Y'Know,OB may be aged and what not but they are pretty damn smart. Just like in Ms. America, you always have a runner up should the chosen be revealed as an x porn star (or should I say like) or some other mishap.

Sure JD has the x factor, blah, blah, blah....but he also has some serious issues.

I predict he will so be over OB as soon as he gets some fame and will try to strike out on his own...

enter,the real rockstar...Marty! OB want to have easy access to him, just in case.


Anonymous said...

p.s. both my sister and I predict Motley Crue as the next OB, though we can't say why. Just a hunch ;)


Jules said...

I finally managed to sit down and watch the tape and I have to say I think INXS made the right choice. I actually watched JD's first two performances without getting bored and fast-forwarding. I didn't make it through Easy, Easy, but I didn't expect to be enthralled by the new INXS anyway, so that was no surprise. I'll never be a fan, but they seem to be a pretty good fit. Good luck to them.

I'm bummed for Marty's sake because he obviously wanted to be part of the band, but I'm pretty relieved that we get angry Marty back. But wait- was he serious when he said, "This is who I am now," or was that just Frickin' Genius Marty playing up to INXS? Is the mad conductor gone forever?? I'm very worried...

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm glad I stumbled onto this place!

I'm not surprised they chose JD ... I don't see them as a bunch of risk-takers who would be willing to change direction. And Marty is not a formula 80's dance-rock singer.

This frees Marty up to be, well, Marty. Although his version of Suicide Blonde linked over at is really, um, amazing.

Sarah G said...

Thanks for the tip on Marty's version of Suicide Blonde. It was great! Wish he'd done THAT last night, but the song title probably has ugly ramifications for OB.

I think J.D. will work out for INXS. I want to see Marty succeed big, though! I'm glad he was invited to open for them on tour - it'll open even more doors. I still remember seeing INXS opening for Adam Ant... and look how far they went!

Calai said...

If anything, Lovehammers has everything to gain with the "new" Marty (I miss the scary conductor, too, though). They are going to kick major ass! Can't wait 'til the "newly completed INXS" does an Asian tour with Lovehammers opening every show - I'm going just to see Lovehammers.

Sid and Moist Rub - I'm going to miss reading your Rockstar commentary. You guys are...well, let's use the word of the night: AMAZING. Hahaha! See in you in season 2?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Sid and Moist can read and comment on the MSN Live chat with Mig and Marty yesterday. I don't think the transcript of the whole conversation is up on the MSN site but here's the Marty part (really the only part that matters, huh)
I had to sit through Mig to get to the Marty chat and it was soooooo slow. Does Mig type like 5 wpm or does it just take him that long to get over the "deer in the headlights" thing every time they asked a question.
Keep on, Keepin' on, Leper Pop!

Andree said...

Thanks Anon! That link to the Marty chat was what I needed. To confirm (or not) my theory that Marty KNEW knew that he wasn't the winner going into the final night. Kind of HELPS confirm it. Sort of. In a distant way.

I don't think J.D. had a clue that he would win. But I don't think he was told that he would lose. I DO think that both MiG and Marty were told (as mentioned in the other comments section) that they were NOT the winners, and that one of the other two were the winner.

As soon as MiG was let go, Marty KNEW that J.D. was the winner, and that is what brought a melancholy aspect with less anger to WYWH in the final.

It's also why J.D. seemed incredibly surprised, and why Marty was gracious when J.D. won.

Huh. Wonder if they were all told they weren't the winners? Hence the exchange of "I know you won".

The show is over and I'm still thinking about it. Hmmm.

Note to self: Get a life.


AMAI said...

Well, you guys missed some GOLD on ANTM last night.


Bimbo: "I want to help people...give money to the UN."
Tyra: "What was the last community service project you did?"
Bimbo: "Okay, scratch all that."

And this other chick, a pageant winner from Texas named Cassandra, said the following to another girl:
"You know how sociopaths can murder people without remorse because they have no feelings? I'm like that, only I haven't killed anyone."

What's not to love? These girls are insane!!

In other news, how about Tim Farriss' interview that they'd picked JD back when he first performed the full length of Pretty Vegas? Let those conspiracists flap their wings and shit in my Tree, if they dare. Long Live Marty Casey!!!

(I'm just drunk.)

Aunt Nina said...

Sid, just wanted you to know that the image of you and your wife in front of the TV, watching Wings, with you showing the screen your message scribbled palms whenever Mrs. F'er isn't looking, still makes me laugh. Well done.

Andree said...

Did you see that there's a link to this site from the site? Cool.


Andree said...

Did you see that there's a link to this site from the site? Cool.


Andree said...

Did you see that there's a link to this site from the site? Cool.


Andree said...

What the heck??? It SAID that it didn't go through "failed to load" so I tried it again. And nothing happened when I pressed the Publish, so I pressed it again and waited and waited and waited.

Muttered to myself about "the dumb internet connection" and closed the window. I didn't think the message posted once, let alone 3 times. I am soooo sorry about that.

Go ahead and delete some of those extra messages. Unless I didn't get my point across with three identical posts.

I think it would be interesting to know how everyone FOUND this place. Darned if I can remember how I came to be here. Must have been through one of the following: Rockband, Sarkgasm, TWoP, or MSN???


Jules said...

Andree - was how I found this place. And I'll be eternally grateful! I only wish I'd found it sooner...

audrey said...

Delurking... I loved reading your comments during the season. Sad the show is over. Great blog, hilarious. Pick a show to review, I'll watch it just to read the commentary!

I wonder who feels silly in connection to the Rockstar show... check out the charts on MSN music. I felt like it was the Rockstar: Marty Casey show by the end of it... someone agrees.

The Lovehammer's Murder on My Mind is the number one album... Marty's songs are 4 of the top 5.

AMAI said...

What Audrey said.

I'm unwell today. It's as if I'm coming down with an adverse reaction to No More Marty on My TV and no more LeperPop on my computer.


To answer the question, I saw this place mentioned at a couple of sites - am I imagining PlanetSocks? Possibly TWoP and probably Finally I realized I couldn't go on until I Googled your name.

Andree said...

I keep coming back here. I felt like a homing pigeon first. Successfully returning after a great flight. Now I just feel like a beggar on a streetcorner, hoping that some blog will be tossed my way.

I go to other sites. They say they are supposed to be funny. They're not funny. They're not bust-a-gut funny. They're not knee-slapping funny. They're not gasping-for-breath-tears-rolling-down-my-cheeks funny. They're not neighbors-calling-the-police-over-the-noisy-laughing funny.

Here's one for the ladies. It's not funny either. But it's interesting. In Mauritania, it's preferred that women should be fat. Yes, fat. As in force-fed fat. Like to be the epitomy of beauty, I'd have to gain a lot of weight.

I don't know if we can do links here. It's from the Oddly Enough news from Reuters.

"Our society has this vision that a woman has to be fat to be beautiful. It is a canon of beauty," said Marienne Baba Sy, head of a government commission that deals with women's issues.

"If you're a thin woman, people assume your family don't look after you," she told Reuters.

This article brings to mind a lot of things. Ladies, think about it. It's not just that you should be fat to be attractive, but you shouldn't do any strenuous work.

I can do that. I can sit around all day and eat and get fat. I'd be GOOD at that. It's a different world when this is said:

"My husband says he wants me to lose weight but he looks at fat women and I think he prefers going to bed with them," said Nene Drame, 47, a writer working on a novel about force-feeding.

"The Mauritanian man is savage by nature. He likes something he can get his hands on," she said.

If you weight less than 200 pounds, you're just too thin.

They do force-feeding, which is NOT cool. On geese or on women. Don't they have ice cream? Fast food? Geez. Get with the modern times.

While I was thinking about it, I thought it would be cool from my standpoint to be THE THIN ONE (thanks to this culture's beliefs). Except being thin there would be unattractive. Drat. Foiled again.


Jules said...

Oh, what a twisted world we live in. Women starving themselves to be beautiful here and women having food shoved down their gullets to be beautiful elsewhere, Marty no longer on TV and our favorite Lepers lost in limbo.

Andree- I like the beggar analogy. I was thinking about comparing myself to a woman waiting by the phone for a guy to call her. It's been a week and he hasn't called, but she's still checking her messages every hour or so to see if he's left one.

I guess until then I've got nothing to do but start actually doing my homework again. Bleh. At least my teachers will be happy. ;-)

L A Ray said...

Jules, your answering machine called, you have no messages.

Jules said...

Wow. You know it's bad when your answering machine gets so sick of you that it hires a mediator. Maybe I need to find a hobby.

Andree said...

About the time the show was coming to an end, there were over 7,000 hits on the counter here. Now there are over 11,000. I realize I am responsible for maybe 2-3,000 or so. I want to know why the whole series accumulated 7,000 and then when the guys stop writing, in a week there are another 4,000 hits.

What's up with that? All the rockers and all their friends and family are reading the blogs?

All the people going through RS:INXS are rewatching their tapes and following up each episode with a delicious slice of creme de blog?

People are shut-ins and losers like me and have nothing better to do than hang around a deserted site?

Everyone is relieved that Sid and Moist are no longer talking? And they keep making sure they aren't talking?

Sid and Moist have been whisked away in the BPP (Blogger Protection Program) and they've been given new ID's as writers for their own show? The new network keeps checking here to be sure the guys aren't sneaking back in to give it away for free.

Yeah, I thought of the waiting for the guy to call analogy too, Jules. And then I'd get the mental picture of whichever of the guys it was in the blog pictures of the trip to the show, standing outside his room at the "Hollywood Hilton" (Hollywhore Hilton?), and then I get pissed.

There I was, at the motel with him, and now he's not calling back? Okay, I wasn't there, I just saw the picture. But he was looking at me. In the picture. Who was that guy? And why was he lookin' at me? Go look. See if he looks at you too. If he does, I'm jealous now. That creep. Looks at everyone from his picture.

So, Jules, wanna help me force feed some of the models from that other reality show? hehehe Says something about using pliers on their toes to make them eat is acceptable. Then again, that's probably how they stay so thin, pliers on the toes...and that's definitely why models walk funny.

Let's surprise the guys and redecorate the board. Woo hoo! Uh. How do we do that?


Anonymous said...

Hi friends. I keep coming back to re-read the blog and see what all y'all have posted. I miss Marty on tv. I miss Sid. I miss Moist Rub. What gives life meaning now?!

Jules said...

*So, Jules, wanna help me force feed some of the models from that other reality show?*

Count me in! We could be the militant faction of the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty! We'll take whatever it is that they're force-feeding those poor Mauritanian girls make those models clean their plates! And introduce the Mauritanians to french fries! Yeah, baby!

Andree said...

Jules, Oprah went to one of the countries where the women are most desireable if they are fat and that was when Oprah was fat.

She said the women were fawning all over her, asking how she got to be so fat and what were her tricks?

It's the SAME crap we do here for being thin.

"What did you eat?" "Is is hard to maintain the weight?" "Is there a magic pill?"

The street drug of choice over there, by that news article was cow steroids. Which is sold at ten times the cow price to women on the street corner. So they can put on weight. Or keep on the weight they managed to put on.

And while we might mock that thought, my mom, she's one of those mighty metabolic rate people, can eat anything and doesn't put on weight. She struggles to keep around 100 pounds.

Now, imagine being in that predicament in a culture that values women twice that weight.

I think I'm at my heaviest, thanks to shooting nerve pain. I've been in pain for over 5 years now. It hurts to be conscious. The only time I don't feel pain is if I'm sleeping, and I don't get to enjoy it if I'm not awake. If I am awake, I'm in pain.

So, for over 5 years, I have been pretty much sitting and eating, and I'm not even close to 200 pounds. LOL!

It's UNHEALTHY heavy when you're force-fed. Or have to take cow steroids.

Why can't we just have people accepted for how they are? We find out soon enough who the idiots are as soon as they open their mouth. There's no connection between weight and dumbassness.

Anon, I feel your pain. No, really, I feel your pain. We're hitting reload on a blog board's comments area on a Saturday night.


Jules said...

=( Andree, that sucks. I hope that laughter really is the best medicine and that OB: Moist and F'er have been effective physicians.

Anonymous said...

Moist and Sid have certainly been two of the best physicians I've seen recently and I recommend them to all my friends.

Andree said...

Jules, I was at Goodwill today (while waiting for the car to be fixed) and saw "Willow, The Game"

I would have bought it but it was for IBM only. I like old games. As those are the only ones that will run on my computer.

And, yes, laughter helps a lot. Just being OCCUPIED helps. The devastating loss of my decorating board is still driving me nuts. I'd even cancel my subscription to Better Homes and Gardens in protest because of the result of the new Prospero board build, except I'm in the "free months" now (you know, buy one year, get two years free thing) and I wouldn't get any money back.

The Rockstar boards are also Prospero. I had to download a new browser to make them work, but the browser (Opera) is crap and is very unstable in it's older version. And they want me to pay for it, or they'll put in banners.

No way am I paying for something that doesn't work right. And it doesn't work for the BHG boards.

It's like going to your favorite activity and finding YOU have been locked out. Imagine going to a movie or sporting event, and once they find out what platform and OS you have, they decide you can't come in. And each new board build makes the number of people that con come in more restrictive.

They're not too concerned now, because they have a stadium or theater full of people. But, as time progresses, the numbers will dwindle.

Show of hands. How many folks here can run out right now (or whenever the stores in your area open, it's 6 am here) and buy the latest computer system and the software to run it?

Yes, suddenly Sid and Moist change boards and put up brilliant blogs, and everyone rushes over to see them, only to find they can't get there. They crash. They freeze. When they click on Comments, nothing happens. When they go to post in the Comments section, they lose their cursor and can't do a thing.

Well, that's what's happening to me (on BHG). Then some smart aleck says "It works fine for me." Yeah, well, bugger off.

Hey, 213/TL, is your "Journey" picture from conception to death?

I like Red Dress and Petals.


Jules said...

*Yes, suddenly Sid and Moist change boards and put up brilliant blogs, and everyone rushes over to see them, only to find they can't get there. They crash. They freeze. When they click on Comments, nothing happens. When they go to post in the Comments section, they lose their cursor and can't do a thing.*

AAACK! Heaven forbid!

Jules said...

Oh, and "A Willow game??? How awesome is that?!?" Except that it wouldn't work on my computer, either. Sigh. I'm a sucker for old computer games, too. =)