Rock Star Finale - Sid

So in tonight’s episode we found out that Maggie won the half million dollars and will front our band, INXS. Actually, I forgot I was on the east coast and tuned in an hour early by mistake. I thought Brooke was looking a little more Asian than usual.

Bad hairstyle, Brooke – I had a similar one back in 7th grade.

Then the parade of rocker rejects. They only showed up because Mark Burnett promised them asscake and a group shower. Except for Ty, who thought that OBINXS would realize the error of their ways, apologize for all humankind, and choose him to lead their band, INXS. Boy, were they fooled.

Brooke, Dave, OBINXS, the house band, and the old guy in the audience wearing the Docker’s shirt all reminded us that there can only be one winner and that winner would be chosen tonight.

Dave finally ran out of stuff to say, panicked, and stole Brooke’s “raise your hand” bit. The rockers were caught offguard and all raised their hands to predict a victory. Brooke, not knowing what to say since the hand raising was done, reacted like a true professional and used her time to present a moving tribute to New Orleans in haiku form.

JD’s joke about living in his car would have been much better if he had included Moist Rub’s bit about his mom banging somebody upstairs. JD probably gets that fat, hairy Bruce guy from Hollywood Squares to write his material.

Hammer Time.

MiG reminded us again that he left a very successful stage career in London. I once dated a girl that had an unsuccessful stage career. I guess if you don’t have to set up the folding chairs before the performance you can consider it successful. The highlight of her resume was co-headlining with a guy in dancing bear outfit at some children’s theater. Just like tonight’s rockers, she claims she made it to the final three audition for the show My Two Dads that Paul Reiser did before he broke up with the liberal, cool dad and hooked up with Helen Hunt. But I digress.

Bohemian Rhapsody: Goddam, I miss Suzie. Back in the reject den, Brandon and Neal started a sing-a-long of Caught Up In You that was more enthralling than what was going on onstage. Mig just lost the privilege to further capitalize the “g” in his name. At best he sounded like a sorority girl getting assaulted at the local frat house. OBINXS gave him some polite applause, much like one might find at a luncheon where a local businessman is receiving a plaque for donating a 19” TV to the youth baseball raffle.

I missed the intro to JD’s song because a friend called from the Dallas Stars game to find out if Marty won. Perhaps I’ll call her from the next Lovehammers show to find out if the Stars won the game after the first intermission.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want: My first place was a studio apartment that had a shower, kitchenette, and bed all within arm’s reach depending on which way you faced. It was really a decent arrangement, much like JD’s song. Some acapella stuff, a little acoustic stuff, and then some manic stuff after he launched from his stool as if a rodent had started to burrow up his ass. JD learned a lot from Dan Akroyd at this week’s stage dancing clinic and I could easily see him making the transition from Elvis impersonator to Elwood Blues impersonator with some harp lessons from Suzie. Ty stewed in the reject den over the preference given to guttural white boys in rock n’ roll.

We saw Marty’s transition from the mad conductor to the savvy performer. True. Marty talked about how the most potent performance is to stand still and sing. Less is more. Marty is smart guy so I think he realizes that’s all true in the context of this show. I’m sure there are many elements that he can take away from the show, but I’m missing angry Marty a bit. Don’t tell KISS that less is more or try to convince Wendy O. Williams to stand still and sing. You’re probably wasting your time since I’m pretty sure KISS is broken up and I know the great Wendy O. Williams is dead.

Marty thinks he can carry the future of the band. Like the guy with the pick up truck that you want to help you move. Except OBINXS can hire professional movers and don’t need the guy with the pickup. They’re just looking for some people to come over after the move for the housewarming party and help them stock their bar.

Wish You Were Here: I think that Marty is probably responsible for some new Pink Floyd fans. Mr. Floyd should probably send some royalties his way. Another solid performance of the song – Jordis looked proudly on like a soccer mom plastering an honor roll sticker on the bumper of her Chevy Tahoe, Dana howled and passed a joint around the reject den, and Garry Beers fought to hold back the tears like at the end of a sad movie. Like Slapshot… when Reg holds out eternal hope for getting back together with his wife, but you know it just ain’t gonna happen. I cry every time.

Now the deliberations. Whatever. We all know they knew who they wanted going into the final show. But they played along…. “candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get rid of Mig!"

Tim gave us an amazingly touching speech, directed at the amazing rockers and their amazing talent, amazing effort, and the amazing moments they gave us over this amazing summer. But Mig was so amazingly wrong for a rock band, he was Mig-nanimously chosen to watch the rest of the show from the reject den. Dave shared the feelings of joy that overcame him watching Mig perform. That’s nice if I’m watching a telethon or the church choir, but not very rock n’ roll. Mig thanked his voters in Australia and the Philippines for allowing him to stay in the mansion and eat sushi, and told his fans of all other nationalities to suck his codpiece. He promoted the upcoming INXS tour as the “most amazing show on Earth” – which I believe is one step below the Ringling Brothers Circus which is bills itself as the greatest show on Earth.

The final audition – Marty and JD would see if the OBINXS still have what it takes to get out of their thrones and drag their aging rocker bodies to the stage to keep up with them.

Marty – Don’t Change: I’m ready for the show to be over. I like watching Marty perform, but I’m tired of seeing people trying to cover the same INXS songs over and over again. I still don’t think he’s roit for OBINXS.

JD - What You Need: Jon is wearing gardening gloves. I’m not sure if he just came in from tending to the roses or if he has lost the calluses on his hands after sitting in his throne too goddam long. JD decided to take a break in the middle of the most important performance of his life to have some water. Mig used to remind him to hydrate before performances, so he was a bit lost. I think he tried to order a grilled cheese, too, but the stagehands shooed him back onstage.

More fake deliberations. I doubt they waited until the final songs to base their decision on who smelled the least offensive under the hot stage lights.

Dave called this the best summer of his life. Unless he was getting Brooke to join him and Carmen in bed every week, I’d say he was lying to us. I was just starting to trust him, too.

The band said something about Kenny Chesney completing them and some sort of annulment. JD has passion and is amazing. Marty is riveting and amazing. And the winner is…. JD. JD cries, Marty makes out with Brooke, the band does shots of Geritol, and Dave ditches his little rocker buddies and goes back to hanging out with Jerry Cantrell.

Tim stops the madness to tells Marty to have his people call JD’s people about a possible opening gig. Marty smiles and nods politely the same way most people do when offered a sample of sheep brains.

JD joins his band, INXS, for their new hit Easy, Easy. Garry already looks nervously on at JD and has his people contacting Marty’s people about a spot in his band.

May we never have to see that damn Shakira commercial again.

A final serious note before I leave you tonight – thanks to everyone that’s stopped by LeperPop this summer. You can expect continuing commentary from LeperPop (scalping tickets to the great American freak show) and we hope you continue to visit even though the rockers have left the mansion. More thanks to Mrs. F’er for giving me the time to get these words down as it’s really taken time away from our quilting bees. And finally, special thanks to Moist Rub for joining me in this endeavor and taking it to a whole new level.