Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Rock Star - Sept 7 Moist Rub

It was a hell of a week, Dave.

Speaking of hell, we were obligated to witness the discussion of this week’s events. Here is what we learned:

  • Dave wants Jordis to mow his lawn after the photo shoot. How about a Fresca?
  • Suzie is a transformer. She can turn herself into a giant robot mini-van that shoots plastic laser beams out of her finger tips. Choking Hazard - Not recommended for children under the age of three.
  • Dave is hot for JD. I’m not one to judge. My rule is, you don’t tell me what you do what your tallywacker, and I won’t tell you what I do with mine (unless it’s something really cool or really gross).
  • JD is fun to have at a birthday party. I’m going to hire him out for my daughter’s 10th birthday.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if Brooke asked the Rockers who thought she/he deserved the encore to slap the person to her/his right in the face? Or maybe they could stand up and do the Karate Kid pelican stance. The raising of the hands was fun for the first 8 weeks, but it’s getting kind of stale. Marty and JD professed faith in themselves for the encore by exposing their armpits. JD proved correct. Supposedly, the encore was determined by the online votes for the original songs. And JD won. Yeah, OK. As JD barreled towards the stage, Dave recommended he return to the trousered position. There was to be an opening encore. Dave requested permission from the Rockers to choose the opening act performer. What would have happened if they said no? I’ll tell you what, Dave would have pouted, that’s what. Dave decided it would be wise to ask the INXS to perform their new tune, Us, with the Fab Five singing. Tim asked Dave to play along with them. It was just like Woodstock!

JD began the vocals in a forgettable manner. Then MiG chimed in to preserve the banality. He’s a team player. They flew in USA for Africa to help out with the chorus. Eventually, they gave us the second verse, which Jordis began. What’s that I smell? Yes, there is some life in this desert of a song. Thank you, Jordis. Marty and Suzie finished off the second verse in no part harmony. I don’t think Marty likes singing with other people. It’s a damn good thing it’s not Christmas and Bing Crosby is dead. Cue USA for Africa (not as good as Band Aid, in my opinion) for the chorus again. Dave provided some life support with a fat nasty blues riff, and Suzie carried us through to the end with some heart-felt belts. Without the Suzie, the Jordis and the Dave parts, that song suffers up some cruel blandness.

On to the encore we’ve all been waiting for. JD and Pretty Vegas. Pretty boring, really, especially the second time around. Hop, hop, point, point, shimmy-hop, shimmy-hop, shimmy, hop, hop. OK, I get it. As soon as the song was over, my phone rang. It was Kevin Cronin. He said, "Dwip dwip, deee diddly dip; dwip, dwip, deee diddly dip; dwip, dwip, deee diddly dip, diddly dip, diddly dip, diddly dip dip dip dip." To which I responded, "Kev, my axe ain’t plugged in, I got another call." The other call was my sister. She sings, "...after the showawawawoh. That’s Ethel Merman. That’s all I gotta say." She hit it right on the head. Yesterday, I thought JD’s vocalization sounded familiar, but I just couldn’t put my finger in it. My sister did. The spirit of Ethel Merman got tired of hanging out with Donny Osmond inside of MiG and chose to rummage through JD’s cupboards for a stay. "...after the showawawawoh". Top ten hit if I ever heard one. Actually, I haven’t heard one lately. I have no idea what’s in the top ten nowadays. I must be cootish. Maybe that’s why I can’t comprehend the JD appeal. I can live with that, but not for long since I will probably be dead soon, being cootish, and all.

Back at the mansion and the subsequent questioning by Dave. Here is what we learned:

  • JD has good interviewing skills and will be the new elevator killer someday.
  • Marty likes to give curt responses when he’s mawgin’ on free food.
  • Suzie mopes about not having Bonnie Raitt’s gray spot in her hair.
  • MiG has nerves of nerf.
  • MiG cowers to JD. JD lets MiG pick bugs out of his fur.
  • Jordis joins in the JD bug grooming.
  • Jordis basically tells the INXS that she can’t do it. Not in those words, but she may as well have. Just because they put a camera on you, it doesn’t mean you have to be blatantly truthful. The INXS watches these clips. Don’t talk about how bad you suck. Unless you’re trying to get yourself kicked off the show. That’s it. Jordis must have gotten a nice deal from the record company slag who snuck backstage and gave her his card. It’s all coming together now. I have seen the bic lighter. She’s a genius.
  • Jordis admits that she hasn’t been doing her best because she has a million dollars stashed in her secret hide out waiting there for her when she gets paroled.
  • JD tells us he has stopped playing games because he finally figured out, with two weeks to go on the show, that he wants to be a member of the INXS. Until now, he had thought he was trying out for Name That Tune.
  • MiG explains to us why JD is so wonderful. It’s because his breath smells like sausage.

Hand raising time. Air out those pits. Suzie, MiG and, eventually, Jordis admit to inconveniencing the voters with their performances last night. Brooke announces the early returns and then throws a lawn dart at Jordis to let her know the voters didn’t help her out. The lawn dart stung a little, so Jordis didn’t put too much effort into her hug with Brooke.

Jordis sang Need You Tonight. She was tentative and self-conscious. And then she messed up a lyric. Given that I have a degree in Psychology, which gives me license to make shit up and have it be true, I have determined Jordis’ problem. With songs not of her choosing, she has been unable to express her true self through the song. Her unfamiliarity with it imprisons her in a cage of self doubt and indecision. We saw evidence of this with her photo shoot. This world of the unknown, whether it be a new situation (photo shoot) or an aloof song, sets her defenses in motion, which is a momentum her talent is not yet refined enough to overcome.

Brooke cursed Suzie to the center stage. Her challenge was Never Tear Us Apart. Not only have we heard this song too often on soot Wednesday, we’ve already heard Suzie sing it in the first elimination episode. Enough with this song. During her performance, Suzie entered the audience to connect with the crowd. She also had to fart and hoped everybody would think it was the fat guy in the third row. She did fine (with the song and the fart). And they new she would, those INXS.

Marty, MiG and JD stood together like Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander and Dusty Bottoms hoping El Guapo would decide to shoot none of them with an invite to the elimination stage. Brooke let Marty go free first. JD was the chosen one. MiG did his best to look stunned. Let me get this straight - the voters voted enough for JD's song to get him the encore, but not enough to keep him out of the bottom three. That sounds right. It makes sense to learn that the JDidiots are a confused lot. Not to worry, because the INXS had a grand challenge in store for JD. JD, could you please sing the song everybody, including ourselves, has already heard you sing on the LA radio station. We know you’ve shown you can sing it pretty well, but we want to double check, just to make sure. Heard from off camera, Jordis, "Those fuckers." He sang Mystify similarly to the way he sang it on the radio, although with less heart. The INXS asked him where he would take their band musically. JD’s response was surprisingly vague, obtuse and groveling. I wouldn’t have expected that from JD. He said he would take the band into his heart and give them back everything they gave to him. That’s exactly what the record company told the INXS to look for when searching for a new lead singer! They found their man. What a relief.

Let’s recap. Jordis has been having some trouble, so they bring it up in conversation and make her feel worse about herself right before they tell her the voters hate her. They give Suzie a song she’s already sung. They give JD a song he’s already sung. They launch Jordis. I’m not saying Jordis shouldn’t have been let go, but this reeks of a set up to me. And, I would be offended and appalled if not for the fact that I really don’t give a movement.

To make Jordis feel better Tim offers to buy the first record she ever sells. Dave just about rubs one off in her face and Andrew, without announcing himself, I don’t know, blew her a kiss or something. Everything was so sad. I said, above the canyon wall...strong eyes did glow. It was the leader of the land, baby. OH MY GOD, The GREAT WHITE BUFFALO.....


Anonymous said...

If they really want to make this show ratings go up for the final two weeks they should have Jeff Probst come on the show and make the final two rockers stand on poles for 11 hours to determine the winner. On a more serious note, thanks to both Moist and Sid for providing the most original and entertaining thing about this whole show

L A Ray said...

Bitter Tears? Missed you at the Rainbow and the Dresden tonight!

Sid F'er said...

I think he went to 157 Riverside Avenue by mistake.

213 said...

"...really don’t give a movement"?

What ever happened to a rat's ass?

Sid F'er said...

As a half Polish-American, I am offended that you think we, as a people, should be stood upon for 11 hours for your entertainment. We, as a people, are already sorely underrepresented in rock and roll.

(Comment pauses while Sid cries)

Moist Rub said...

The Rat's Ass is still in pre-production. Please remain trousered.

Moist Rub's sister said...

Ethel Merman rocks!

And let it be known that Ted Nugent took that line from you, and not the other way around.

dalebud said...

You bet your ass, baby

Mack the Fork said...

I'm bummed Marty didn't get the encore. I had it in good confidence that he was going to mix things up and encore with "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight." With all new choreography for Dave and the other dwarves.

Sid F'er said...

I noticed that Dave didn't appear to be much taller than Jordis...
suddenly PPoD makes sense.